- 2 weeks ago
Herman is robbed so Mr. Crawford insists on getting him a gun.
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00:00This is Herman Brooks.
00:06Herman is just like the rest of us.
00:09Every day he has to make all kinds of decisions.
00:13Like what to wear,
00:15whom to date,
00:18and when to panic.
00:21Now, these decisions should be easy.
00:23But if you take a look inside Herman's head,
00:26you'll see why he sometimes has trouble
00:29making up his mind.
00:32I'm Herman's intellect.
00:33Without me, he couldn't hold his job,
00:35pay his rent, or tie his shoes.
00:37I'm Herman's sensitivity.
00:38Without me, he wouldn't feel tenderness,
00:40honesty, or love.
00:42The good things in life.
00:43I'm Herman's anxiety,
00:45and I keep him out of trouble.
00:46And believe me, there's trouble everywhere.
00:49I'm Herman's lust.
00:50Without me, he'd miss out on all the good stuff.
00:53You know, fun, food, things.
00:56Sometimes they agree.
00:57Hmm, usually they don't.
00:59But this struggle is going on inside all of us.
01:03And it's all going on inside Herman's head.
01:07Boy, that racquetball's a lot of fun.
01:19Yeah, and that woman had some backhand.
01:21Yeah, yeah, how's your face?
01:22Oh, the swelling's gone down.
01:28Have you thought about getting a maid?
01:29You're really starting to let this place go.
01:33Jay, I can't leave a place like this.
01:34Somebody broke in here.
01:36I've been robbed.
01:37Quick, call the police.
01:38Let's not panic.
01:39Oh, my God.
01:40Oh, my God.
01:41Oh, my God.
01:42Oh, my God.
01:42I said not panic.
01:45Sorry, I misunderstood the instructions.
01:48It took everything.
01:49My phone, my clock, my toaster, my...
01:53My potatoes.
01:56It took my potatoes, Jay.
01:58I had three potatoes right there.
01:59I was saving those potatoes.
02:00I just bought a tub of sour cream and chives.
02:03Bad news, Hermo.
02:06Oh, not the sour cream, Jay.
02:09Yeah.
02:12Scum!
02:12All right, take it easy.
02:14It's just sour cream.
02:15Jay, it's more than just the sour cream.
02:17It's the chives.
02:20Look at the bright side.
02:21You can pad the insurance claims.
02:22I don't have insurance, Jay.
02:25Look what they did to my apartment.
02:26Someone is going to pay for this.
02:28I think it's going to be you, Hermo.
02:36Ooh, quite a fashion statement, Hermo.
02:38Not today, Hetty.
02:39My apartment was robbed last night.
02:41Oh.
02:42Yeah, they took everything.
02:43My stereo, my typewriter.
02:44They even took my clothes.
02:46I feel so violated.
02:48I know exactly what you mean.
02:50Last night, a man took me out to dinner
02:51and suggested we split the check.
02:53I felt so dirty.
02:55Hetty, I could have walked in on them
02:58and been killed.
02:59I'll understand if you want to take the day off.
03:01Oh, thank you, sir.
03:02Hetty.
03:05I appreciate that, sir,
03:06but right now I think work
03:07will take my mind off things.
03:08Fine.
03:09You finished that article on origami?
03:11I'm sorry, sir.
03:11I took it home to work on it
03:12and the burglars stole it.
03:14So right now there are armed men
03:15running around New York
03:16with advanced knowledge of paper folding.
03:20That can't be good.
03:21Sherman.
03:26Herman.
03:27Whatever.
03:28I came as soon as I heard you'd been robbed.
03:30How did you hear that?
03:32One of these people is a mole.
03:35Crawford, what can we do for you?
03:36Do you realize New York is filled
03:38with crazed, psychotic criminals
03:40hopped up on Mary Jane?
03:43You don't have to tell me.
03:45That's why I have this stun gun.
03:46Oh.
03:48Would I love to see that baby in action.
03:50Stun this man.
03:51Crawford, really?
03:56It's okay.
03:57He's the mole.
03:58Oh.
04:06Okay.
04:07Now, stun me.
04:09Crawford, is this really necessary?
04:10Stun me.
04:11Dammit, I can take it.
04:16Why is he doing that?
04:18I don't think his parents
04:19spent enough quality time with him.
04:20You.
04:24You.
04:24Come here.
04:25Me?
04:26Yeah, you.
04:27Are you prepared for Armageddon?
04:30No, I still have a little more shopping to do.
04:35I am an armed assailant.
04:37What are you going to do?
04:38Huh?
04:39Ah!
04:39Ah!
04:42That probably won't work.
04:45Here's a hundred bucks.
04:47Learn a martial art.
04:50Researcher.
04:52Herman, it's the police.
04:53I'll tell him he'll call him right back.
04:54Don't worry, son.
04:55You shot that man in self-defense.
04:57I didn't shoot anyone.
04:58What?
04:59Why not?
05:01One thing, I don't have a gun.
05:03Sherman, I can't believe you don't pack heat.
05:06Well, I've never needed heat in the past,
05:08except that one time I threw my back out,
05:09but that was a moist heat.
05:12That settles it.
05:13I'm taking you to a gun shop.
05:14He's right.
05:15We have to protect ourselves.
05:17We should buy a gun.
05:18We don't have to buy a gun.
05:20We can protect ourselves in other ways.
05:21Why don't we buy a dog?
05:23Because you don't have to follow a gun
05:25around Manhattan with a plastic bag.
05:28Look, if we're going to buy anything,
05:30let's get a hooker.
05:35It'll cost the same,
05:36and for an extra five bucks,
05:37you'll bark and roll over.
05:41I guess there's no harm in looking.
05:43That's more like it.
05:44See you downstairs in ten minutes.
05:47Herman, I know you're angry,
05:48but a gun is not the answer.
05:50Mr. Bracken, I assure you,
05:51I'm just going to look.
05:52Besides, it'll keep Mr. Crawford happy.
05:55Herman, a shiny object
05:57would keep Mr. Crawford happy.
06:04Hey, Jim!
06:05Fred!
06:07Jay, thanks for coming.
06:08I really didn't want to be alone with Crawford.
06:11I know he's a little nutty.
06:12He's a little nutty.
06:13All right, he's out of his freaking mind.
06:16He's interested in guns,
06:17so you pretend you're interested in guns, too.
06:19It's a great way to get ahead.
06:20You just got to be subtle, you know.
06:22Sherman here wants to buy a piece.
06:24Mr. Crawford, I'm still not sure
06:25how I feel about owning a gun.
06:26And I'm not sure how I feel
06:28about candy-ass crybabies.
06:30You don't like them.
06:33Joy isn't any good, Fritz.
06:33I'm going to go over here and browse.
06:34Okay, let me guess.
06:38Last night, someone broke into your apartment.
06:40They took your stereo, your TV, your clothes.
06:43Hey, Fritz, does this thing cut through bone?
06:45Aisle 5.
06:48New York City, every day,
06:504,000 people are held up at gunpoint.
06:52And when the police say
06:53they can't do anything about it,
06:54you know what those poor suckers do?
06:56They come to me.
06:58You got me wrong.
06:59I'm just here to humor my boss.
07:01Sure you are.
07:02Let's start off with something small.
07:04How do you like the feel of that, baby?
07:06I like it.
07:07I like it a lot.
07:10Put that down.
07:11Don't you realize guns are just phallic symbols?
07:13You have anything bigger?
07:15Sure.
07:19Oh, good choice, Sherman.
07:21Wrap it up.
07:22Mr. Crawford, I'm still not sure if...
07:23Jim, you know, there is a waiting period.
07:25Oh, come on, Fritz.
07:27Jim, I could lose my license.
07:29Well, I don't want Sherman to be without a gun.
07:31It's okay, Mr. Crawford.
07:33I know.
07:33Take mine.
07:36Thanks.
07:36Thanks anyway,
07:37but I wouldn't want to leave you defenseless.
07:39No problem.
07:45It's a very nice gun, Mr. Crawford.
07:46Do you mind if I take a look at it?
07:48Well, all right.
07:49You ever handle this?
07:53Give me that!
07:57Here, Sherman.
08:01Mr. Crawford, I don't want your gun.
08:03You don't want to be unarmed when those burglars come back.
08:06And they always come back.
08:08Come back?
08:09I'm not sure I can handle it if they come back.
08:11Don't worry, little fella.
08:12I'll take care of you.
08:13I think it's testosterone time.
08:16I hate testosterone time.
08:37Okay, I'll take it.
08:39Are you prepared to use it?
08:40If I have to.
08:42If you're going to pull a gun,
08:43be ready to use it.
08:44I will.
08:45I will.
08:46I'm not convinced.
08:47Jane!
08:47Mr. Crawford, I'll use it.
08:49Can you please leave?
08:50Put that gun on my tab
08:51and send it to Sherman over at the magazine.
08:54Oh, Swiss Army 9.
08:55If I could use one of those.
08:58I'll take this one.
09:07Wow, they really cleaned you out.
09:09Ah, we've all seen the place before.
09:11They did them a favor.
09:13Makes you realize how vulnerable we all are.
09:16Glad I started that self-defense class today.
09:18You did?
09:19Yeah.
09:20Let me show you what I learned.
09:21Grab my throat.
09:24Hi-ya!
09:25Hi-ya!
09:25Hi-ya!
09:26Hi-ya!
09:26Herman, look out!
09:27You're choking me!
09:31Herman, aren't you afraid to be here alone?
09:33No, not anymore.
09:35Now that I have little Herman here.
09:38Is that a real gun?
09:39Yeah.
09:40I can't believe you own a gun.
09:42Can't believe you call it little Herman.
09:46So where are you going to keep it?
09:47I don't know.
09:48Maybe in the desk drawer here?
09:50Well, suppose you're in bed
09:51and somebody breaks in through the front door
09:53then you won't be able to get to it.
09:54Okay, then I'll keep it in the nightstand.
09:56Well, suppose you're working at your desk
09:58and they break in through the window?
10:00Gosh, you're right, Louise.
10:01I should have gotten five guns.
10:02She's trying to help, Herman.
10:05I know.
10:06I'm sorry, Louise.
10:07I'm on edge.
10:08You gonna be okay?
10:08I'll be fine.
10:09Sure you will.
10:10Hey, thanks for coming with me
10:12and helping me shop.
10:13Sorry we couldn't find anything for you.
10:15Oh, that's okay.
10:16See you tomorrow.
10:41He's back.
10:43Huh?
10:43He's back!
10:44Where's the artillery?
10:48Could I play to shoot the bear?
10:51No.
10:51First we'll exchange pleasantries,
10:53have a little sponge cake together,
10:55form a lifelong friendship,
10:56then we'll shoot the son of a bitch!
11:06I've got a gun and I'll use it.
11:09Shoot her!
11:09Shoot her!
11:10Mr. Crawford!
11:22Thank God I shot Mr. Crawford!
11:25Help!
11:26Help someone call the police!
11:31Help somebody!
11:33Help!
11:33Sherman, keep it down!
11:36You're giving me a headache.
11:37Mr. Crawford, what were you doing?
11:39I was testing the son.
11:41Testing me?
11:41I didn't think you'd shoot.
11:43Guess I was wrong.
11:45Nice grouping.
11:47What?
11:48Besides, I figured I could take a couple of bullets.
11:51Do you hear birds?
11:52Oh my God, we shot a man!
11:56We didn't know it was Crawford.
11:58We thought it was a different lunatic.
12:00We weren't protecting ourselves.
12:02We did what we had to do.
12:03It was fight or flight.
12:04We have to get help!
12:06Help!
12:07Somebody help!
12:09Sherman,
12:10I asked you nicely the first time.
12:14Mr. Crawford?
12:16Mr. Crawford,
12:17oh God,
12:18what have I done?
12:19Oh,
12:20Crawford.
12:20Is this
12:21the little girl
12:23I call?
12:27Sing with me, Sherman.
12:28Mr. Crawford,
12:29I just shot you!
12:30Sing with me,
12:31dammit,
12:32it's my dying request.
12:33You are not going to die.
12:34Is this
12:36the little boy
12:37at play?
12:38I don't remember
12:42growing older.
12:45Harmonize, dammit!
12:46When
12:47did
12:49they
12:50What's going on in here?
12:52Quiet!
12:53Can't you see we're singing?
12:54I shot Mr. Crawford,
12:55but it isn't my fault.
12:56He came in dressed as an intruder
12:57because he didn't think
12:58I was man enough to shoot.
12:59God love him,
13:00he didn't let me down.
13:02Everybody,
13:02sing!
13:05Sunrise,
13:06sunset,
13:07Sunrise,
13:09sunset,
13:10swiveling
13:12by the years
13:14One season following
13:18another
13:20Oh, God!
13:23Laden with happiness
13:28and fears
13:30Sunrise,
13:33Sunset
13:34Sunrise,
13:36Sunset
13:37Sunrise,
13:38Sunset
13:39Moon
13:42Have you heard?
13:47Herman shot Mr. Crawford.
13:49I heard they had a duel
13:50over a woman.
13:51I heard Crawford caught
13:52Herman embezzling money.
13:54I am sick
13:56of these rumors
13:57that I've been hearing
13:58and I wanted to stop
13:59right now.
14:01Besides,
14:02I heard they bought a house
14:03together on Fire Island
14:04and couldn't agree
14:05on the color scheme.
14:05man
14:09Herman, what happened?
14:11Crawford broke into my apartment
14:12aww, you think a guy has all the money in the world
14:16probably blew it on the ponies
14:17no, Louise
14:20he broke into my apartment
14:21because he didn't think I'd use the gun
14:22I didn't know it was him, so I shot him
14:24you mean Crawford is dead?
14:29no, no
14:30well, actually, he was dead for 15 seconds
14:34in my apartment
14:35can you believe it?
14:36all that reminds me of the funniest joke
14:38this guy walks into a bar
14:40with a pig under his arm and the pig says
14:42I'll have Rob Royce
14:43what does this have to do with Mr. Crawford?
14:46nothing, I was just trying to take the focus away from Herman
14:48are you going to be okay?
14:51I'll be fine
14:52I was talking to her
14:53he said I almost killed a man with a .38 slug
14:56if it had been the .44 Magnum he ordered for me
14:58we'd be at a funeral
14:59you want to take the day off, you go right ahead
15:01thank you, sir
15:02not you
15:03I nearly killed a man
15:07all because of that stupid gun
15:08research
15:11Herman, it's Mr. Crawford
15:14I'll put him on speaker
15:15Mr. Crawford?
15:18Sherman
15:18Sherman, is that you?
15:23yes, Mr. Crawford
15:24I just wanted to hear your voice
15:28I'm here, Mr. Crawford
15:30how are you?
15:32oh
15:33you in pain?
15:37oh
15:37Oklahoma
15:38where the wind
15:39is sweeping down the ground
15:41code blue
15:42code blue
15:43clear
15:44we're murderers
16:00Crawford cleared us
16:01no one will be pressing charges
16:03is that all you care about?
16:05a human being is lying in this hospital bed
16:07because he cared more about our safety than his own
16:09we're in a hospital?
16:11let's see if we can get a nurse to shave us
16:12Mr. Crawford
16:17Mr. Crawford
16:18you can't die
16:19please
16:19Mr. Crawford
16:20please
16:21hey, excuse me
16:22who are you?
16:23don't tell him our name
16:24a deranged family member may want revenge
16:26what are the chances of Crawford having a deranged family member?
16:30I'm Dave Smith
16:34nice to meet you
16:35hi Herman
16:37how's he doing Herman?
16:39who's Herman?
16:39that would be me
16:40I just told you my name was Dave Smith
16:42because I didn't want you to know
16:43I shot Mr. Crawford
16:44oh, I thought Sherman shot him
16:46I'm Sherman
16:47I thought you were Herman
16:47I am
16:48but for some reason
16:50Mr. Crawford calls me Sherman
16:51in any event
16:52I'm the man who shot him
16:53Sherman
16:57I'm so happy to finally meet you
17:00you know, we thought of you
17:02I was the son he never had
17:03who are you?
17:05I'm the son he had
17:06hey everybody
17:08it's Sherman
17:09hi
17:10I'm Mrs. Crawford
17:13Jimmy told me all about you
17:15really?
17:16yes
17:17he said you were a sissy girl
17:18and you didn't have the guts to shoot
17:20I guess he was wrong
17:22you look tired
17:26why don't you sit down
17:27grandma, get up
17:28it's Sherman
17:28why are you people being so nice to me?
17:33I shot your father
17:35well, it was bound to happen
17:36you know, he's pulled this stunt before
17:38oh, yeah
17:38I put two bullets in him
17:40during a hunting trip
17:41he put on a bear outfit
17:42and attacked my tent
17:44at two in the morning
17:45and I thought my family
17:48was dysfunctional
17:49I still somehow feel
17:52it's my fault
17:53hey, take it easy
17:54an hour ago
17:55he was singing
17:55Porgy and Bess
17:56he's gonna be fine
17:58Herman
18:00I came as soon as I heard
18:02listen, don't worry
18:03everything's gonna be okay
18:04Mr. Crawford's gonna pull through
18:06ooh, this guy's dying
18:08it's not our fault
18:12we bought a gun
18:13and shot a man
18:14well, what were we supposed to do?
18:16he broke in
18:17and attacked us
18:18we got down a man
18:19in the prime of his life
18:20that's ridiculous
18:21the man's 50
18:22if he's a day
18:23Mr. Crawford might die
18:26and we will have taken
18:27a human life
18:28this is going to haunt us
18:30for the rest of our days
18:31and no matter how hard we try
18:33we will never be able
18:34to forget it
18:34we will never be able
18:36to think of anything else
18:37man, Crawford's life
18:39is stacked
18:39I just talked to the doctor
18:45what'd he say?
18:46he said these shoes
18:47look great on me
18:48did he say anything
18:50about Crawford?
18:51oh, he said something
18:51about that
18:52but then we started
18:52talking about my shoes again
18:54excuse me
18:56this man is critically ill
18:58I need for you all to leave
18:59that includes you, son
19:05I'm sorry, doctor
19:06I have to make peace with him
19:07I'm the man who shot him
19:08oh, okay
19:10doctor
19:12is he going to make it?
19:15I don't know, son
19:16at his age
19:18it's very hard to break
19:20into musical theater
19:21Mr. Crawford
19:25it's me, Sherman
19:29can I get you anything?
19:30are you thirsty?
19:32can I
19:33turn up your drip?
19:37Mr. Crawford
19:38I'm so sorry
19:38this happened
19:39the last thing I wanted
19:40was to shoot anyone
19:41this is
19:43very hard for me
19:44but I'm trying to speak
19:45to you truthfully
19:46from my heart
19:46you
19:50stupid
19:51depraved
19:52maniac
19:53you had no right
19:55to do what you did
19:56I didn't want that gun
19:57and now because of you
19:58I'm going to feel guilty
19:59for the rest of my life
20:00why don't you make me
20:02shoot you
20:02you stupid bastard
20:04Sherman
20:07is that you?
20:10my name is
20:11Herman
20:11get it?
20:12her
20:13my god
20:14you're alive
20:16you're alive
20:16I heard your voice
20:18calling me
20:20calling me back
20:22from the other side
20:24I'm coming back
20:27I'm coming back
20:30I'm here
20:32Mr. Crawford
20:37thank god
20:38you're alive
20:38I heard your voice
20:40and I was nearly ready
20:42to let go
20:43and it made me realize
20:45that
20:46life is worth
20:47living
20:48besides
20:50I got investments
20:50I came this close
20:54to taking your life
20:55all because of that
20:56stupid gun
20:57have you been
20:58cleaning it?
21:00aren't you listening
21:01to me?
21:02I nearly killed you
21:03I mean so what
21:04I got robbed
21:05big deal
21:05I can buy new stuff
21:06but I can't
21:07replace you
21:08Sherman
21:10are you coming
21:10on to me?
21:11I'm trying to tell you
21:15I'm giving you back
21:16your gun
21:16I never should have
21:17taken it from you
21:18in the first place
21:19the fact is
21:20I don't need
21:21a handgun
21:22and I just do not
21:23want to live my life
21:24that way
21:24oh you're absolutely
21:26right
21:27you
21:27you have learned
21:29a great deal
21:29Sherman
21:30but there's
21:31there's one more
21:32lesson
21:33I must teach you
21:34what is that
21:36Mr. Crawford?
21:38disarm me
21:38ah
21:46Thurman
21:46well I see
21:47you got the gun
21:47we sent over
21:48is there a problem?
21:50yes there is
21:51I came this close
21:52to killing a man
21:53oh no
21:54I am so sorry
21:55let me adjust
21:56those sights for you
21:57you don't understand
22:00I don't want
22:01this gun
22:01oh you want
22:03another gun
22:03no I don't want
22:04another gun
22:05I don't want
22:05any gun
22:06it's a dangerous
22:07world out there
22:08yeah well I'll
22:09take my chances
22:09okay
22:11you'll be sorry
22:12I already am
22:15tomorrow night
22:32is not just
22:33another Monday night
22:34of watching TV
22:34tomorrow a two hour
22:35music event
22:36from Fox and MTV
22:37that will reach
22:38an estimated half
22:38a billion people
22:39throughout 70 countries
22:40in the world
22:40it's a concert for life
22:42starring Elton John
22:43Guns N' Roses
22:43George Michael
22:44U2
22:44Death Leopard
22:45members of Queen
22:46and more
22:46you'll see him in
22:47concert on stage
22:48and we'll talk to him
22:48backstage
22:49tomorrow night
22:50here on Fox
22:50now stay tuned
22:51for Stand By Your Man
22:52I'll see you around about
22:5520 years away
22:56I'm
22:57You're
23:08you're
23:09you're
23:10beating
23:11them
23:11up
23:11here
23:13you
23:13you
23:14you
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