- 2 weeks ago
In this episode, Jay helps Herman buy a computer. Herman soon discovers that the computer is stolen and is overcome by guilt. He goes to absurd lengths to try and return the computer to its rightful owner.
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TVTranscript
00:01This is Herman Brooks.
00:03Herman is just like the rest of us.
00:06Every day he has to make all kinds of decisions.
00:09Like what to wear,
00:12whom to date,
00:15and when to panic.
00:18Now, these decisions should be easy,
00:20but if you take a look inside Herman's head,
00:23you'll see why he sometimes has trouble
00:26making up his mind.
00:28I'm Herman's intellect.
00:30Without me, he couldn't hold his job,
00:32pay his rent, or tie his shoes.
00:34I'm Herman's sensitivity.
00:36Without me, he wouldn't feel tenderness, honest to your love,
00:38the good things in life.
00:40I'm Herman's anxiety,
00:42and I keep him out of trouble.
00:44And believe me, there's trouble everywhere.
00:46I'm Herman's lust.
00:48Without me, he'd miss out on all the good stuff.
00:50You know, fun, food, things.
00:52Sometimes they agree.
00:54Usually they don't.
00:56But this struggle is going on inside all of us.
01:00And it's all going on inside Herman's head.
01:04Heady, what happened to you?
01:08What happened to me?
01:10I'm standing on the subway platform when some guy knocks me down,
01:14grabs my purse and starts running.
01:16Oh, did you catch him?
01:18Yeah, I caught him, I rehabilitated him,
01:20and now he's got a job working with deaf children.
01:22You know, Heady, it's hard to show concern
01:24in the face of such sarcasm.
01:26I don't need concern, I need my purse back.
01:28Everything I want's in that purse.
01:30Credit cards, phone book, makeup, mace,
01:32brass knuckles and some gum.
01:34Here, I'm gonna need some money.
01:36And some cash.
01:37Well, Heady, I don't have any money,
01:38but I can give you my spare set of brass knuckles.
01:40Thanks.
01:41Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the store
01:42and get a new skirt.
01:43This one's ruined.
01:44Bye, Heady.
01:45Sorry about your purse getting stolen.
01:46Bye, Heady.
01:47Sorry about your purse getting stolen.
01:48Ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:49Ha, ha, ha.
01:50Ha, ha, ha.
01:51Ha, ha, ha.
01:52Ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:53Ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:54Ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:55Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:56Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:57Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:58This skirt, this one's ruined.
01:59Bye, Heady.
02:00Sorry about your purse getting stolen.
02:02Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
02:05Isn't that awful, Herman?
02:06Louise, you were laughing at a woman who's just been mugged.
02:09I'm sorry.
02:10I can't help it.
02:11I'm in a great mood, Herman.
02:12I met a guy.
02:13I met a guy.
02:14I met a guy.
02:15Let me get this straight.
02:16You met a guy?
02:17His name is Chuck.
02:19He's nice.
02:20He's smart.
02:21He's codependent.
02:22Well, he sounds perfect, Louise.
02:24Listen up, people.
02:25I want to introduce to you,
02:27Deirdre Jeffrey.
02:28She's a temporary.
02:29She'll be working here for the next few days.
02:31This girl is beautiful.
02:32Look, we only got a few days, so we've got to move fast.
02:35She may be smart, so you handle being clever.
02:37She may be sensitive, you handle being sweet.
02:40And you?
02:41I'll prepare for rejection.
02:42No.
02:43I'll sweat and worry.
02:44No.
02:45You have a more important job.
02:46I do?
02:48Now we're cooking.
02:49And, uh, what will you handle?
02:51I'll handle whatever she lets me handle.
02:55Hi, I'm Herman Brooks.
02:56Nice to meet you.
02:57Well, listen, just let me know if there's anything I can handle for you.
02:59Okay, I will.
03:05How we doing?
03:06Great.
03:07Keep up the good work.
03:08Herman, did you finish that...
03:10Herman?
03:11Yes, sir.
03:12Did you finish that writing sample you wanted me to take a look at?
03:15Yeah, I was home all weekend working on it.
03:16I hope you'll like it, sir.
03:18The doll rolled in the nick?
03:20What the hell is that, German?
03:21I lost the G on my typewriter last week.
03:24It's supposed to be the dog growled in the night.
03:26I can't read it in this condition, Herman.
03:28If you want to be a professional writer, it has to look professional.
03:30My suggestion is get rid of that typewriter and clean that up.
03:34Hey, J.
03:35Yo, Hermo.
03:36Hi, J.
03:37What's this, German?
03:39It's that story I told you about.
03:42It's a little hard to read.
03:43My typewriter is old.
03:44I have no G.
03:45Hermo, you ever hear of a computer?
03:47People wrote before there were computers.
03:49F. Scott Fitzgerald did not need a computer.
03:51Hermo, if F. Scott Fitzgerald had your typewriter, he'd have written the Rate Espy.
03:57Look, J., I'd love a computer, okay?
03:59I'd kill for one.
04:00Well, maybe not kill, but I'd slap someone silly.
04:04Any decent computer is going to set me back at least 2,500 bucks.
04:07What would you say if I told you I could get you one for a fifth of that?
04:10I'd say, what's wrong with it?
04:11Nothing.
04:12Only talk to Uncle Harry about it.
04:14You have an Uncle Harry?
04:15Well, technically he's not my uncle, and I'm actually not too sure about the Harry part,
04:18but the guy knows where to get bargained.
04:21A computer! I want one!
04:23How can we afford a computer?
04:24Well, you heard what Bracken said. Our writing should look professional.
04:27We need that computer!
04:28Yeah, but from a guy named Uncle Harry?
04:35So, how's it going with Deirdre?
04:37Huh?
04:38Oh, oh, we're doing just fine.
04:39We're at a very delicate stage.
04:41Keep up the good work.
04:42Keep me posted.
04:44Right.
04:46What do you say? You interested in a computer?
04:48Yeah, I'm interested.
04:49Great. I'll tell Harry.
04:52Herman, I just bought this skirt.
04:53Think it's too tight?
04:55Not if you've been shot in the ass and want to stop the bleeding.
04:59Perfect!
05:00Wow.
05:01People actually wrote on these things?
05:13Hey!
05:14Come on, it's served me well over the years.
05:16School papers, short stories, love letters.
05:19Well, you can always change your mind, Herm.
05:20You don't have to have a computer.
05:21What are you, nuts?
05:26Getting a computer!
05:27Getting a computer!
05:29I hate to bring this up, but doesn't $500 seem a little cheap for a $2,500 computer?
05:34Who let you out?
05:35Yeah, but I just...
05:36Getting a computer!
05:37I'll get it.
05:38Uncle Harry!
05:39Hiya, Ray!
05:40Can I come in or do you want to hear my shoulders separate?
05:41Please, Ray.
05:42Broccoli box?
05:43What is a computer doing in a broccoli box?
05:44This guy's not from New York, is he?
05:45I don't know.
05:46I'm sure it's not...
05:47It's just...
05:48I don't know.
05:49But I just...
05:50You're getting a computer?
05:52I'll get it.
05:53Uncle Harry!
05:54Hiya, Ray!
05:55Can I come in or do you want to hear my shoulders separate?
05:57Please.
05:58Broccoli box?
05:59What is a computer doing in a broccoli box?
06:03This guy's not from New York, is he?
06:06Okay, just because it's in a broccoli box doesn't mean anything.
06:09I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation.
06:11But it's obvious...
06:12and there's plenty of locker space still available get it got it good okay we agreed on 500 right
06:19yeah how can you afford to sell it that cheap look you want my business secrets or you want
06:23a computer wait a second are you wearing a wire what a wire this isn't an unsolved mystery here
06:30we're buying a stolen computer a we have no proof it's stolen b a man is innocent until proven
06:36guilty and c most important of all i want this computer look you want this computer or not i want
06:44this computer what is this there's only 400 here sorry oh no not the emergency money
06:54lose my number ray i don't need this in my life excuse me what about the warranty all right the
07:02warranty 30 years parts of labor i come to your house fix the computer i do your dishes clean your
07:08toilet and i sprinkle fairy dust on your head smack them for me were you right
07:12you wanted a computer i got your computer jay does the phrase receiving stolen property mean anything
07:20to you herman this computer was manufactured in japan shipped over to germany it made its way over
07:25here where uncle harry found it raised it as his own and brought it here to you today it's not stolen
07:30now trust me okay this is a brand new computer it's never been used
07:36what does that say it says hello bob who's bob bob's the guy this computer's not stolen from
07:46research yes this is miss newman brazil but i didn't contribute to save the rainforest fund
08:02hey what's going on what kind of maniac steals your purse and uses your credit cards to make
08:08donations to world causes how much did i give why would i want to give 500 to save a rainforest what
08:15do i get out of it that's it oxygen better be a whole lot of oxygen pal
08:22so you feel better you come to your senses you're gonna keep that computer jay i told you i don't want
08:31a stolen computer i just can't live with it i'm returning it and i told you harry doesn't take
08:36returns well i'm not returning it to harry i'm returning it to bob i opened up some of his files
08:41and i got his address i'm going over there on my lunch hour promo you wanted a computer you have a
08:45computer why not just let it go at that jade the reason that people steal something is that other
08:49people buy it from them if no one bought stolen computers no one would steal them that makes me just
08:54as guilty as the guy who stole this thing i'm not sure but i think this is the reason why you're no fun at parties
08:59hi how's it coming along just fine okay again i backed you on the computer thing now say something
09:09to get me this woman well um i'll see you later that's it i'll see you later geez how do you come up
09:19with them well how do i look you look lovely louise chuck's taking me out to lunch he said he wants to
09:26get to know me he's a very sensitive man herman as a matter of fact there's something about him
09:31that reminds me a little of you really i'm flattered i'd like to meet him but i i've got to go i have
09:36to run an errand hey louise hi chuck you look great hi go on you're just saying that yes i am and i'll
09:46say it again you look great chuck i want you to meet my friend herman oh well any friend of louise's
09:53is certainly a friend of mine hi there's something about this guy i just don't like you notice it too
09:59hey i like this guy look at him he's a stud
10:02so uh where'd you two meet uh at the gym okay i just joined
10:10tell him what happened it's very romantic i was riding the stationary bike next to louise
10:16it broke loose from his stand and i rode into the hot tub louise fished me out
10:22well come on chuck let's go herman would you like to join us for lunch well i would but i've got to
10:27take something back oh bad broccoli huh boy i've done that well nice to meet you herman
10:33i still have a bad feeling about louise's boyfriend what are we going to do about this
10:38nothing what are we going to do about getting deirdre in the sack
10:41nothing what are we going to do about keeping this computer nothing what are we going to do
10:45about getting me out of this locker nothing
10:52hey are you bob randall yes now let's make this quick i gotta get back to court court that's right
11:08i'm judge bob randall great it's one-stop shopping arrested convicted and sentenced all in one convenient location
11:16i didn't realize you were a judge well i am so let's get down to business excuse me wait a minute
11:29aren't you the guy for the insurance company no no this is yours broccoli
11:34no it's your computer my what oh my god look i didn't know it was stolen when i got it
11:43the thing is i have no g on my typewriter i just want you to have your computer you keep it really
11:47just get it out of here now why don't you want it look the insurance guy is coming i thought you were
11:53him insurance guy you're not from new york are you
11:57look that computer has to stay stolen or i don't get the insurance check you get a computer i get a check
12:05no one gets hurt case dismissed
12:08judge randall frank keller uniglobe insurance he's judge randall
12:20the picture you sent in for your claim was of you sitting beside your computer
12:24i know who you are and i think i know what's going on here
12:28we're dead so what do you think of honesty now miss goody two shoes
12:32how was i supposed to know he was a crooked judge
12:35you know better than this you're a judge and you you look like you were raised on apple pie
12:40how did you get mixed up in this i have no g on my typewriter
12:43so you get a stolen computer and you get a lot of money from our company do you think that's right
12:49do you think that's fair no it's not fair damn right it's not
12:52yeah it's a shame to have to do this to a judge and such a nice looking kid like yourself but uh
12:57well i'm gonna need two hundred dollars to look the other way
13:00you want to thank me for my donation to greenpeace oh great what the hell do you guys do
13:13dolphins huh i love dolphins tastes like chicken
13:19hey listen if you if you talk to your rainforest pals tell them i'm still waiting for my oxygen
13:25well i just lost another hundred bucks trying to return a stolen computer to the person it belongs
13:32to getting to think there's no such thing as an honest person anymore
13:35i'm looking for hetty newman you're looking at hetty newman i think this is yours
13:41my purse yeah i found it on the street i saw the id inside and figured you'd probably want it back
13:47oh thank god and thank you too here let me give you a little something for your trouble
13:52you don't have to do that no i insist here take this
13:56a stick of gum well i wasn't about to give you the whole pack
14:00excuse me i saw what you just did i think it was incredibly honest
14:05it wasn't much believe me it was a lot more than you think
14:08here i i want you to have some broccoli
14:11no it's a computer
14:13a computer you want to give me a computer are you sure
14:18believe me i don't want it anymore it is all yours
14:21this is incredible thank you
14:24oh it's wonderful isn't it the act of giving it just makes you feel good
14:31and he says she's on the roof and we can't get her down
14:38well this is my stop thanks again for lunch
14:45my pleasure we're still on for this weekend right
14:47you bet
14:48great i'll pick you up friday after work
14:50and don't forget to bring extra warm clothes
14:52it's very cold in vermont this time of year
14:54okay
14:54okay
14:55see you tonight
14:56see you tonight
14:57how about a kiss for the old chuck monster
15:01right here at work in front of all my friends
15:06vermont a weekend a cabin
15:16are you thinking what i'm thinking
15:18yes
15:18so let's grab deirdre and head for vermont while the sap's still running
15:22that's exactly what louise's boyfriend has on his mind
15:26hey chuck
15:28see you louise are going to vermont huh
15:30yeah
15:30nice
15:31so you guys gonna do some skiing or what
15:33skiing
15:33you're talking to a guy who rode a stationary bike into a hot tub
15:36i'm counting on some indoor recreation with louise
15:40you know i i know louise pretty well
15:41you sure that's okay with her
15:43well she says it's not but trust me
15:44once we get up there she'll loosen up
15:46what if she doesn't
15:47she will
15:48don't worry
15:49after all
15:50i'm the chuck monster
15:52louise can we talk for a minute
16:00sure herman
16:01i saw you talking to chuck out in the hall
16:03so tell me honestly
16:04what do you think of him
16:05well what do you think of him
16:06i think i finally met a guy i can trust
16:08he knows i have sort of old-fashioned values
16:11and he respects that
16:12yeah but a weekend in a cabin
16:13herman he said i have nothing to worry about
16:15i believe him all men are not the same
16:19yes they are louise
16:20they lie they cheat
16:21they steal computers
16:22like as far as sex is concerned they have one thing on their mind
16:25but herman you don't do all those things
16:27let me tell you something louise
16:29you know that new woman around here deirdre
16:31this may come as a surprise to you
16:32but there is a part of me louise that looks at her
16:35and doesn't care what she's like
16:37as a person or if she's smart or whatever
16:38i just want to see her heaving breasts
16:41moist with the sweat of our undulating bodies
16:43as she screams out more herman more
16:47herman why are you saying this to me
16:51i'm just trying to warn you louise
16:53i'm telling you to think twice before you get involved with chuck
16:55i just have a feeling i know this guy
16:57look for once in my life i don't need any help okay
17:01i can manage fine on my own
17:03and i don't need your advice thank you
17:05but louise
17:06herman i just saw your computer downstairs in the lobby with a bathe
17:09it is no longer my computer jay
17:11every time i looked at that computer it was a reminder of how dishonest people were
17:14so i gave it to someone who is honest and forthright
17:17someone who really deserves to have it
17:19you'll never guess what just happened to me downstairs in the lobby
17:22i met a woman who was selling this incredible computer for six hundred dollars
17:28now herman i know just how much you've really been wanting one of these so
17:32here
17:33now it's not a gift
17:35just pay me the six hundred when you can
17:37oh now you don't have to thank me your expression says it all
17:45yeah i'd love giving surprises
17:48yes this is miss newman
17:57you'd like to thank me for my generous donation to the playgrounds for children fund
18:03how much did i give
18:05two thousand that's great i love children
18:08they taste like chicken
18:10wait a minute you did what with it
18:14i left it on a street corner ten blocks from here
18:17you just left a computer on the street
18:19it's okay i left it next to a vegetable stand
18:21it'll be right at home
18:22are you crazy
18:24no i was crazy the longer i had that thing the more terrible things happen to me
18:27i'm just glad to be rid of it
18:29hey you're the guy that left this on the street
18:31i've been chasing you for ten blocks
18:33it's back
18:36you chase me to return it
18:40yeah
18:40damn an honest man
18:43it's yours i want you to have it
18:45broccoli
18:46no it's a computer
18:47computer what the hell am i gonna do with a computer
18:50just take it
18:50i don't want it i don't want a computer i want cash
18:53i want a reward
18:54what's going on here herman
18:55i just chased this guy ten blocks
18:57carrying this very expensive piece of equipment that he forgot
19:00and now he won't even give me a reward
19:02hey okay
19:03here
19:04ten bucks
19:05all i have
19:07oh don't worry about it herman
19:08i'll take care of this
19:09here
19:10sixty bucks
19:11thank you
19:12mr rack and i
19:13don't worry about it herman
19:15you can just add it to the six hundred you owe me
19:18oh
19:20there's that look again
19:22we did everything we could
19:26let me have it
19:26please
19:27ask me nicely
19:29please
19:31pretty please with sugar on top
19:33well
19:35nope
19:36sight
19:37well go on and say
19:44say what
19:45i told you so
19:47i would never do that
19:48is this about your date last night
19:50the guy was all over me like a cheap suit
19:52it wasn't a date
19:53it was more like wrestlemania
19:54i knew it
19:56he was only after one thing
19:57no
19:57he was after several things
19:58they all just happened to be in the same area
20:00you're right herman
20:02men are scum
20:03thank you
20:03research
20:06this is hattie newman
20:08the humanitarian association
20:11oh god
20:12what did i give you
20:13you're kidding
20:15me
20:16okay
20:17uh saturday night
20:18eight o'clock
20:19what was that all about
20:21i was getting an award
20:22that's throwing a banquet
20:23in my honor
20:24i am the humanitarian
20:25of the month
20:26i have to get my fur out of storage
20:28hi
20:32hi
20:33hi
20:34i was supposed to pick up the gardening articles
20:36oh yeah
20:37yeah
20:37there you go
20:40thank you
20:42here you go
20:46he's really cute
20:47is he a nice guy
20:48he's okay
20:49fur guy
20:50has he said anything about me
20:52well as a matter of fact
20:53just yesterday
20:54he was saying
20:55that there's a part of him
20:56that thinks when he looks at you
20:57we gotta talk
21:01now
21:02i've been thinking
21:03about this
21:04undulating bodies
21:05huh
21:06undulating bodies
21:10huh
21:11boy i've done that
21:12look
21:13i've been thinking
21:14about this computer thing
21:15now
21:16you wanted an honest man
21:17to have this computer
21:18didn't you
21:18i looked
21:19i tried
21:19and all i found
21:20was lying and cheating
21:21and everyone out for themselves
21:22i couldn't find an honest man
21:24anywhere
21:24you're wrong hermo
21:25you did find an honest man
21:26you're it
21:27you did everything you could
21:29to make things right
21:30to do the right thing
21:31you're beyond honest
21:32you're almost stupid
21:32no one in this city
21:35deserves this more than you
21:36so open it up herm
21:38it is your computer
21:39i've never said this before
21:41and i may never say it again
21:42but
21:43jay is right
21:44we have paid for this
21:45we can keep it
21:47we deserve it
21:48oh joy
21:49oh rapture unbounded
21:51oh gather round my children
21:53gather round
21:53let's savor this moment
22:02broccoli
22:05that's funny
22:07this job
22:13the simpsons come up
22:14with some money saving tips
22:16i made a new bar of soap
22:17by squeezing all our little soap slivers together
22:19gross man
22:21then
22:21will otis drexel
22:22flunk his karate course
22:24find out on an all new
22:25drexel's class
22:26followed by 90210
22:28now stay tuned
22:29for the sunday comics
22:31next
22:31next
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