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Finding My Father Season 1 Episode 100
Finding My Father
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Finding My Father
#RealityInsightHub
🎞 Please subscribe to our official channel to watch the full movie for free, as soon as possible. ❤️Reality Insight Hub❤️
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FunTranscript
00:00:30It's me!
00:02:38You have to tell him.
00:02:40You do.
00:02:44This is the year.
00:03:28Kung Pao chicken.
00:03:42Chris.
00:03:44You're at an age now where, as a parent, it's my job to tell you certain facts that you might
00:03:54not want to hear.
00:03:56Go.
00:03:57Go.
00:03:58Relax.
00:03:59We've done this all in school.
00:04:00You have?
00:04:01Yeah.
00:04:02Last year.
00:04:04Oh.
00:04:05Oh.
00:04:06Oh.
00:04:07Oh.
00:04:08That is a weight off.
00:04:10I can't tell you.
00:04:11I can't tell you.
00:04:12Oh.
00:04:13Your face.
00:04:14I don't think I've ever heard you say sperm.
00:04:18What?
00:04:19Oh, God.
00:04:20You want to teach me to put on a contraception?
00:04:22God, no.
00:04:23Chris.
00:04:24No.
00:04:25That's...
00:04:26That's not what this is about.
00:04:27It's about Father Christmas.
00:04:31What do you mean?
00:04:32Is he all right?
00:04:34Did something happen?
00:04:35Yeah.
00:04:36Well, no.
00:04:37Remember the snow on the roof on Christmas morning?
00:04:42And, erm...
00:04:43And the sleigh tracks?
00:04:45And the...
00:04:46The soot in the grate?
00:04:47And the presents under the tree?
00:04:49Well...
00:04:51Well, that was all me.
00:04:54I did that.
00:05:02Your Father Christmas.
00:05:04You've been drawing happiness to billions of children all over the world.
00:05:08No.
00:05:09That's not what I mean.
00:05:10Dad, I'm not being funny, but I really can't see you getting down our chimney.
00:05:14Let alone back up it.
00:05:15I've seen you on the monkey bars.
00:05:17Chris, we had the chimney sealed off before you were born.
00:05:21When we had the gas fire put in.
00:05:23What about the carrots?
00:05:25And the single malt?
00:05:28I suppose that was all you as well, was it?
00:05:31Yes.
00:05:32Obviously.
00:05:33I'm sorry, Chris, but...
00:05:36He isn't real.
00:05:40Father Christmas doesn't exist.
00:05:43I mean, think about it.
00:05:45A billion children.
00:05:46All over the world.
00:05:48I mean, it is physically impossible to deliver that many presents in a single night.
00:05:53You would say that.
00:05:54You look for the Royal Mail.
00:05:56He probably uses different software.
00:05:57And what software makes a reindeer fly at warped speeds and lights up his hooter?
00:06:07Nothing that's commercially available, but...
00:06:09And how does a man of that girth fit down a chimney?
00:06:14Even if you haven't even got one.
00:06:16And to never be seen.
00:06:18I'm sorry, Chris.
00:06:20I know this time of year is special to you.
00:06:24But you're old enough now to know the truth.
00:06:26The truth.
00:06:27I don't know.
00:06:57You'd be able to explain it, wouldn't you?
00:07:14If you were here.
00:07:16But you're not.
00:07:20You're probably at Lord's.
00:07:23Or in Norfolk.
00:07:24Or a book library.
00:07:27What's this?
00:07:51Egg banjo.
00:07:51Egg banjo.
00:07:55I've had a little time to think about what you said.
00:08:01And I did it.
00:08:03I do.
00:08:04It's been a rough year.
00:08:06Seriously.
00:08:07One for the ages.
00:08:09And it's not like there isn't stiff competition.
00:08:11Professionally, you were laid off, then fired, then you became a postman to be demoted almost immediately to the sorting office.
00:08:23Medically, although it wasn't proved serious in the end, you had to undergo a number of probes that people tended to laugh at rather than feel sorry for you for.
00:08:37It was during that health scare that you lost your place on the pub dance team to a man who was almost double your age.
00:08:44He was so talented.
00:08:46And it's hard to see a way back.
00:08:51Romantically, I'm sorry, but it's been a complete and utter disaster.
00:08:56Miss Bailey, who lives almost opposite, who you like, and I like, even though she teaches me double science.
00:09:03She asked you on a date back in April.
00:09:06And you still haven't called her back.
00:09:08Sorry to interrupt, but is there a point to all this or are you just trying to boost morale?
00:09:12Yeah. Yeah, there is.
00:09:15And the point is, is that it's only natural after the year you've had to lose a little bit of that Christmas feeling.
00:09:23Chris, come on, please.
00:09:24To become jaded and cynical.
00:09:26I'll not this again.
00:09:28Dad, you're wrong.
00:09:30I love you, but you're wrong.
00:09:33Father Christmas is real, and I'm going to prove it to you.
00:09:42Father Christmas is real, and I'm going to prove it to you.
00:10:12Father Christmas is real, and I'm going to prove it to you.
00:10:18Pat, what I'll do with this one, mate?
00:10:20Ho, ho, ho!
00:10:22Follow me.
00:10:23I'll let you into a little secret.
00:10:33In there!
00:10:33Don't worry, you get used to it.
00:10:48What happens to all the shredded paper?
00:10:50It's put in the back of a blue lorry, and then no one knows.
00:10:52To be fair, we live in such a cynical age.
00:10:54I'm surprised anyone still writes the Father Christmas.
00:10:59My boy does.
00:10:59I thought you said he was 16 and doing his GCSEs.
00:11:03He is.
00:11:04Cryptozoology is essentially the study of creatures that are said to exist, but are unproven, undocumented by science.
00:11:27The creatures that are studied are called cryptids, and people are familiar with Loch Ness, Monster, Chupacabra, things like that.
00:11:35And within cryptozoology, it just doesn't get any bigger than Bigfoot, because of all cryptids out there, Bigfoot has the most sightings.
00:11:46It's sightings by very credible people from the whole life.
00:11:52The fact that this occurred in Alaska, in an area, you know, the population density is like...
00:11:59Fonny!
00:12:00It's me, Chris!
00:12:02Okay, good.
00:12:03Yeah, I thought so.
00:12:04And another
00:12:07And another
00:12:09Wait
00:12:11One more
00:12:12And open sesame
00:12:14I need a favour
00:12:17Sorry love, I'm on break
00:12:32Look, I'm like a long distance lorry driver
00:12:34I have to take a break every 45 minutes
00:12:36No, you're a disgrace
00:12:38Sorry, it's regulations
00:12:39Merry Christmas
00:12:40No, no, no, no, no, no
00:12:43You are banned, okay
00:12:44No, I told you last year
00:12:46That was the last year
00:12:48You're too old for this now, mate
00:12:49I just want to ask you a question
00:12:51What's my mic for?
00:13:00I don't do podcasts
00:13:01I've got my reputation to think about
00:13:03Yeah, Chris wants to prove to his dad
00:13:05That Father Christmas is real
00:13:06Oh my God
00:13:07How many times do I have to tell you, mate
00:13:09I'm not Father Christmas
00:13:11Okay
00:13:12This beard isn't real
00:13:13And
00:13:14I'm a Muslim
00:13:17Okay, but what about the paunch?
00:13:19Yeah, the paunch is real
00:13:20Obviously I know you're not Father Christmas
00:13:23I'm not stupid
00:13:24It's only, what, seven more sleeps until the big day
00:13:27He's not going to be here, is he?
00:13:29This is crunch time
00:13:30He's got more important things to be doing
00:13:32What do you want to ask me?
00:13:34Last year, when I was here
00:13:36I overheard you talking to one of the single mums
00:13:39Who was really impressed about how you knew Stephen Fry
00:13:43You knew Stephen Fry?
00:13:45Yeah
00:13:45I mean, I wouldn't say he's a close friend, but yeah
00:13:48No, that is literally what you said
00:13:50Yeah, he's more of a close friend of, like, a casual acquaintance
00:13:53But what's that got to do with anything?
00:13:56Stephen Fry is like God to my dad
00:13:57He will listen to anything he says
00:13:59I mean, he won't necessarily understand it, but he will listen
00:14:03So the best way to prove to my dad that Father Christmas is real
00:14:07Is to have Stephen Fry say that he is
00:14:09I just need you to introduce us
00:14:12Right, I'm going to level with you, okay?
00:14:14Honestly, honestly
00:14:15I don't really know him that well
00:14:17I feel like you don't know him at all
00:14:18No
00:14:19No
00:14:20Although I did bump into him in a Sainsbury's car park
00:14:23Shut up
00:14:24What was he like?
00:14:25He is so nice
00:14:27And it was my fault
00:14:28Because I was reversing
00:14:29Didn't realise he was in first gear
00:14:30Bumped into him
00:14:31Oh, my God, Stephen Fry
00:14:32So you bumped into him in a car?
00:14:35Yeah
00:14:35Did he just want details?
00:14:40Well, no, I think he's married, isn't he?
00:14:42Insurance details
00:14:43Insurance details, right
00:14:44He didn't have his details on him
00:14:45So he wrote his name and address down
00:14:48And then he put them into my phone
00:14:49Got it in my phone
00:14:51Big red bin of shredded dreams coming through
00:15:05Hello
00:15:09Oh, Mr. Massey
00:15:12Yep
00:15:13It's Georgina Bailey
00:15:14From the school
00:15:16And
00:15:17The house
00:15:18Almost opposite
00:15:19Georgina, hi
00:15:21I'm so glad you called
00:15:24I've been meaning to call you back
00:15:26Oh, Nick
00:15:27No, honestly, I have
00:15:29It's just been a really hectic couple of
00:15:30Eight months
00:15:32Yeah, that's not
00:15:33That's not the reason that I'm calling
00:15:35Oh?
00:15:36It's Chris
00:15:37He didn't come into school today
00:15:39I wouldn't have called
00:15:40It's just that I saw him
00:15:42When I left for school this morning
00:15:44And it looked like he was on the way in
00:15:45I know it's the last day of time
00:15:48Yeah
00:15:49No, thank you
00:15:50It's good to know that you're
00:15:51Really on it over there
00:15:53Um
00:15:54No, um
00:15:55He actually
00:15:56Had a doctor's appointment today
00:15:58And that's why he couldn't make it in
00:15:59Yeah, no, it's nothing serious
00:16:01He's just got a
00:16:02Rash
00:16:03On his
00:16:04It's okay
00:16:05Don't need to know the details
00:16:06Okay, listener
00:16:16So, we are currently outside a house
00:16:19Of Stephen Fry in a yellow van
00:16:21Don't you?
00:16:23I'm not going to
00:16:24In fact
00:16:25What?
00:16:27Sorry
00:16:27What are you doing?
00:16:29This way
00:16:29He
00:16:31Can't
00:16:32Track you
00:16:33No, don't
00:16:36That is really annoying
00:16:45Not to mention
00:16:47So irresponsible
00:16:48And this is why they tell you to back everything up
00:16:57In case a stray lunatic
00:16:59Decides to literally
00:17:00Eat
00:17:01Your data
00:17:02I've seen it happen
00:17:04Anyway, thanks for me your dad doesn't have a clue where we are
00:17:09Well, hello, Uncle Nicholas
00:17:14I might have known you'd have something to do with this
00:17:16What even is this?
00:17:18Wait, sorry
00:17:19Can you
00:17:19Can you do that one more time?
00:17:20I'm just
00:17:20I forgot to click record
00:17:22Don't tell me you bunked off school to do a podcast
00:17:24You can't
00:17:26What?
00:17:28I don't
00:17:28I can't see anyone
00:17:29Who?
00:17:31Who can't you see?
00:17:33Oh
00:17:33Oh, it's
00:17:35It's him
00:17:36What?
00:17:38Why?
00:17:39How?
00:17:40Huh?
00:17:41Oh, it's alright
00:17:42Breathe
00:17:42In
00:17:43And out
00:17:44In
00:17:45And out
00:17:46Breathe
00:17:46It's alright
00:17:47Chris wants to ask Stephen Fry if Father Christmas is real
00:17:49Chris, I thought we'd discuss this
00:17:53We did
00:17:54And I said that I'd get you proof
00:17:55This is it
00:17:56If Stephen Fry says that Father Christmas is real
00:17:59Then perhaps he'll believe me
00:18:01Alright, and if he says he isn't
00:18:02Will you believe me?
00:18:03If I'd have known I would have put on a different shirt
00:18:13Okay, you need to calm down
00:18:15I need the toilet, it's what I need
00:18:16Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were carol singers
00:18:25Good King Wenceslas looked out on the feast of Stephen
00:18:32Gag, please, and you'll have to wait in the car
00:18:37Sorry
00:18:37We're not carol singers
00:18:39I'm just a huge fan
00:18:40That I've watched everything you've ever done on television
00:18:43I've listened to all your books, even the one about ties
00:18:45Isn't that adorable?
00:18:48Well, what impeccable taste you have
00:18:49Now, if you don't mind, I'm just going to call the police
00:18:52No, please, we literally just want to ask you one question
00:18:54Can I use your toilet?
00:18:56That wasn't it
00:18:57I'm going to close the door now
00:19:00Goodbye
00:19:00Wait
00:19:01Is Father Christmas real?
00:19:08I'm sorry
00:19:09What did you say the name was?
00:19:11Father Christmas
00:19:12You have heard of Father Christmas?
00:19:15Yes, no, I mean, I thought you said
00:19:18Oh my goodness, I left the oven on
00:19:19Goodbye
00:19:20Stephen, please, it will only take a minute
00:19:22Come on
00:19:24It is Christmas
00:19:25It's just as I imagined it
00:19:34Is Father Christmas real?
00:19:41In order to deliver all those satsumas and pairs of socks
00:19:44Father Christmas would have to travel jolly fast
00:19:46But how jolly?
00:19:48Show your workings, Fry
00:19:50Certainly, sir
00:19:51Well, speed, as we know, is distance divided by time
00:19:59Divided by time
00:20:00And we calculate distance by seeing the number of households that celebrate Christmas
00:20:06Which is roughly 45% of the population
00:20:098.2 billion
00:20:12By the average number of people in a household
00:20:14Which is approximately 3.95
00:20:173.95, yep
00:20:19That gives us 934,177,215 households
00:20:31Basically a billion
00:20:32Basically a billion
00:20:33Dad, final warning
00:20:35By the global average spacing
00:20:39So, 186 million kilometers plus change
00:20:42Which is more than 100 return trips to the moon
00:20:45So, all that distance over time
00:20:49Gosh
00:20:50And how much time does Father Christmas have at his disposal?
00:20:54Well, I'm going to say 30 hours
00:20:56If you think of when the last children go to sleep on Christmas Island
00:21:00And the first children wake up in American Samoa
00:21:03Gives us a total of 6,277,848 kilometers per hour
00:21:15Well, that is jolly fast, like you said
00:21:19Not as fast as the speed of light, mind you
00:21:23But, alas, the air resistance alone will be enough to instantly vaporize any normal human being
00:21:29And actually, these figures are a trifle optimist
00:21:32Because they don't take into account
00:21:33The fact that Father Christmas has to stop a billion times
00:21:38To deliver the actual presence
00:21:39That means constant acceleration, deceleration
00:21:43Not to mention going down all those chimneys and up them again
00:21:47It just stretches credibility even further, doesn't it?
00:21:50How does he do that?
00:21:51Especially when there is no chimney
00:21:52And given the fact that he is, pun intended, widely reported
00:21:56To be generously proportioned
00:21:58Right, yeah, well, um, thank you, Stephen
00:22:03It's been really helpful
00:22:04That's not everything
00:22:06Well, it's enough to be getting on with, so
00:22:08What else were you going to say?
00:22:11Nothing really, that was, that was the nub
00:22:13Please tell me
00:22:15Well, it's just that, based on the lack of verifiable sightings
00:22:20And bona fide photographic evidence
00:22:23We have to conclude that Father Christmas does all this
00:22:26While remaining completely invisible
00:22:30I'd like to go home now, please
00:22:38Yeah, of course, mate
00:22:40Yeah, um, let's get you on
00:22:41Excuse me, Chris
00:22:53Um, I just wanted to add
00:22:57That until 1903 and the Wright brothers
00:23:02Powered human flight was thought to be impossible
00:23:06But it wasn't
00:23:08We just didn't have a proper understanding of aerodynamics and propulsion
00:23:12And three-axis steering
00:23:14We had to wait for the science to catch up
00:23:17And what I'm saying is
00:23:18All of that in there
00:23:20Might not be impossible
00:23:22It might just be that we can't explain it
00:23:26Not yet
00:23:27We have to wait until we can see the bigger picture
00:23:31Oh, and, er, talking pictures
00:23:36I, I don't know
00:23:37I thought perhaps you might like to have this
00:23:38Scary, we'll get enough to spend
00:23:40Oh, I would
00:23:40Oh, look at that
00:23:42Wow
00:23:43Oh, that is the best Christmas present ever
00:23:45Oh
00:23:46I feel a bit embarrassed now
00:23:51Really?
00:23:52There's no reason to be in
00:23:53If I'd have known, I'd...
00:23:55Probably wouldn't have taken that
00:23:59Have you taken anything else?
00:24:15God, Uncle Nicholas
00:24:16Hello?
00:24:38No
00:24:39No
00:24:40I, I, I didn't say anything
00:24:42I promise
00:24:43In fact, I said the exact opposite
00:24:46I, I was very careful
00:24:49Hey
00:25:11How'd it go to the doctors?
00:25:13Yeah
00:25:15No, it, er, it was good
00:25:17Thanks
00:25:18Yeah, no, they, um
00:25:18They gave him a cream
00:25:21Merry Christmas
00:25:25Merry Eczema
00:25:27Merry Eczema
00:25:34I just got it
00:25:37Because of the
00:25:37Because of the rash
00:25:39No
00:25:49Merry Eczema
00:25:52Yeshua
00:25:55No
00:25:56Need there
00:25:57Me
00:25:58I
00:25:59Sounds
00:26:00arme
00:26:00Shen
00:26:01Kh�
00:26:02Sh
00:26:05Sh
00:26:06Sh
00:26:07Good night, son.
00:26:36Good night, Dad.
00:26:38Chris, I know you're disappointed, but this doesn't mean that Christmas is cancelled.
00:26:44We can still do all the other stuff.
00:26:46Everything else will stay exactly the same.
00:26:48Yeah, but it won't be the same, will it?
00:26:50Which comes to 934,177,215 households, so basically a billion.
00:27:10Basically a billion.
00:27:16We have to wait until we can see the bigger picture.
00:27:21The bigger picture.
00:27:22The bigger picture.
00:27:24What?
00:27:25The bigger picture.
00:29:08Well, it definitely looks like Father Christmas.
00:29:11Who do you say these other people were?
00:29:14Professor Hannah Fry, Professor of the Public Understanding of Mathematics and Serial Podcaster.
00:29:19Dave Maggie, a Darren Pocock, space scientist and honorary fellow of the British Science Association.
00:29:28Jason Fox, ex-Special Forces and TV personality.
00:29:34Right.
00:29:36And you think, what, they all work for Father Christmas and basically make it possible for him to deliver all those presents to all those children in a single night and not be seen doing it?
00:29:48Yeah.
00:29:50I know it sounds tenuous.
00:29:52I'm in.
00:29:54You have me a tenuous.
00:29:56Yes.
00:30:15Oh, my God.
00:30:45Professor Hannah Fry?
00:30:59Yeah.
00:31:02Relax, relax.
00:31:03We just want to ask you a couple of questions.
00:31:05Oh, you're doing a podcast.
00:31:07Oh, I love a podcast.
00:31:10We're trying to find proof that Father Christmas is real.
00:31:13Oh, OK.
00:31:14No, I'm sorry.
00:31:15I cannot help you with that.
00:31:24Where did you get this?
00:31:26Journalist never reveals their source.
00:31:28Stephen gave you this, didn't he?
00:31:30Yeah, 100%.
00:31:31Yeah.
00:31:32I'm not a journalist.
00:31:33He's such a blabbermouth.
00:31:34What else did he tell you?
00:31:36Nothing.
00:31:36I find that very difficult to believe.
00:31:38Well, he said that it might not be impossible for Father Christmas to climb down cindies that aren't even there.
00:31:45It's just that we can't explain it yet.
00:31:47I mean, he can't explain it yet.
00:31:50Do you know that he failed O-level physics?
00:31:55Does that mean that you can explain it?
00:32:01Well, yeah, of course I can explain it.
00:32:03It's just, you know.
00:32:05Yeah, you don't want to.
00:32:06Yeah, I don't want to.
00:32:08I mean, obviously she can.
00:32:10She just doesn't want to.
00:32:11I can actually explain it, guys.
00:32:13No, I believe you.
00:32:14Professor?
00:32:15Excuse me.
00:32:15What are these fake air quotes?
00:32:17I'm an actual professor.
00:32:19Okay, Chris.
00:32:20Come on.
00:32:20Let's go.
00:32:21Oh, have you still got that number for Professor Brian Cox?
00:32:24Okay.
00:32:24Yeah, somewhere.
00:32:25Okay.
00:32:25It's macroscopic quantum tunnelling.
00:32:29Just remind me what that is again.
00:32:31Okay.
00:32:31So Father Christmas turns himself and his presence into a single quantum object.
00:32:35And that way he can pass through solid walls.
00:32:38Like a ghost.
00:32:39No, nothing like a ghost.
00:32:41This is the quantum world.
00:32:42That's where particles don't exist at a single point.
00:32:45They exist everywhere and nowhere all at once.
00:32:47In like a cloud of probability that spreads through space.
00:32:50And that way a particle could be on the roof of a house.
00:32:54But it could also be inside the house underneath a Christmas tree.
00:32:59That's quantum tunnelling.
00:33:01I see.
00:33:01Yeah.
00:33:02And how can you travel fast enough to be able to deliver all those presents in a single night?
00:33:08Oh, he's using an alcoopier drive, right?
00:33:10He's engulfing his sleigh in a bubble of Minkowski space.
00:33:13And that way he doesn't need to feel any of the G-40s.
00:33:16Uh, okay.
00:33:22I, uh, I forgot.
00:33:24Actually, I...
00:33:25I need to go.
00:33:26I've got a lecture to do.
00:33:27Sorry.
00:33:28Bye.
00:33:30How does he make himself turn invisible?
00:33:32That was weird.
00:33:48I know, right?
00:33:50Since when did the pencil moustache come back into fashion?
00:33:52Before that, I mean.
00:33:55That photograph, it really put her on edge.
00:33:59That's it?
00:34:00We need to talk to the other people in the photograph.
00:34:02That's what we're doing, Holly.
00:34:04You've got to call them.
00:34:06You've got to call them right now.
00:34:07How?
00:34:08I'm going to have a number.
00:34:09Or a SIM card.
00:34:12Oh, sorry, mate.
00:34:12One second.
00:34:13Yeah, I'd better get this.
00:34:15This might be for me.
00:34:17Hello?
00:34:18Yeah, speaking?
00:34:19Oh, hello, Dame Maggie Adair in Pocock.
00:34:27How is it your number?
00:34:30No, ask her.
00:34:32Yeah, no, sorry, still here.
00:34:36She wants to meet.
00:34:49I'm not sure this is a good idea.
00:34:54Yeah, that's what makes it a good idea.
00:34:57She wouldn't ask to meet in a place like this
00:34:59unless we were dangerously close to the truth.
00:35:01I feel the truth is real.
00:35:28He's real, if you believe he's real.
00:35:32That's good enough for me.
00:35:33But my dad wants proof.
00:35:36What makes you think I can help?
00:35:37Oh, Stephen, he can't help himself.
00:35:50Have he met the other two?
00:35:52Professor Hannah Fry, but not Foxy.
00:35:55He's a hard man to find.
00:35:57You don't know where he is.
00:35:58I haven't seen Foxy since this photograph was taken.
00:36:02So, Hannah, what did you two discuss?
00:36:06Oh, just macroscopic quantum tunnelling.
00:36:09It's how far the Christmas gets down the chimneys.
00:36:11Anything else?
00:36:12She touched on the, um, the Alan...
00:36:15Alan Cube...
00:36:16The Alan Cube...
00:36:19The Alcubier drive.
00:36:20Yes, the one.
00:36:22And did it make sense?
00:36:24Well, I'd be lying if I showed it all went in.
00:36:27But then, I've only predicted a grade three in GCSE maths.
00:36:32It's not that complicated.
00:36:34Let's get that three up to a four.
00:36:37Rather than making Father Christmas travel to every household,
00:36:40the trick is to make every household travel to him.
00:36:44What is she doing?
00:36:46Who keeps a rug in the blue of her car?
00:36:50Now, imagine that this rug represents space and time,
00:36:53but all smooshed together.
00:36:55And it's running from one end of a room...
00:36:58all the way to the other.
00:37:01Would you like to step inside the room?
00:37:03Ah, classic.
00:37:04She wants to roll up a body and dump it in the canal.
00:37:07Now, conventionally, it will take a number of steps
00:37:10to get from one end to the other.
00:37:11But imagine if we could squish up or concertina
00:37:14space and time in front of you, like this.
00:37:20OK, good.
00:37:22False alarm.
00:37:23Teacher's got to teach.
00:37:28So now, you can step from one end of the room to the other
00:37:31in a single step.
00:37:33And if I elongate space and time behind you, like this...
00:37:41You've miraculously got from one end to the other.
00:37:48Wow.
00:37:49That actually makes sense.
00:37:53You can relax.
00:38:02He doesn't know anything.
00:38:03In fact, I'm not even sure he knows that.
00:38:07Good.
00:38:08But we have to be careful.
00:38:10The belief is strong with this one.
00:38:12Alcubia Drive, that's sort of like a magic carpet thing.
00:38:26No, the carpet was just a teacher laid.
00:38:30I don't know.
00:38:31It may take my seat, I guess.
00:38:33Oh, pizza!
00:38:48Oh, wait a minute!
00:38:49Yeah?
00:38:51When did you order pizza?
00:38:52Well, no, I didn't.
00:38:54So what are you doing?
00:38:55What's the point of having all this security
00:38:58if you're just going to open the door to anyone with a pizza?
00:39:01Well, I like pizza, and I also haven't eaten since breakfast, so...
00:39:05Oi!
00:39:06That's weird.
00:39:08He's opened up the pizza box, but there isn't any pizza in it.
00:39:11There's just words.
00:39:13What do you mean?
00:39:14What words?
00:39:15It says,
00:39:16I am here on behalf of Jason Foxy Fock.
00:39:31Why not?
00:39:33Sorry.
00:39:34Sorry.
00:39:34My bad.
00:39:35PHONE RINGS
00:39:35He's telling me we don't have long,
00:39:54but you can talk to Foxy
00:39:55through me.
00:39:57Are you psychic?
00:39:59No.
00:40:00I have a microphone and a camera.
00:40:02Foxy can see us and hear us.
00:40:04Hello, Chris.
00:40:05Hello, Holly.
00:40:06It's Foxy here.
00:40:07I'm really sorry about the tight security,
00:40:09but I can't take no chances.
00:40:11Can't take no chances.
00:40:12They can't know where I am.
00:40:14Who's they?
00:40:15Father Christmas.
00:40:16And his organisation.
00:40:17Shall we feel?
00:40:18Yeah, mate.
00:40:19As real as I am, standing right here.
00:40:22What do they want?
00:40:23Get that photograph out.
00:40:24That was taken at a Channel 4 Christmas party.
00:40:35I thought it was going to be well boring,
00:40:37stuck with them lot all night.
00:40:39But it turns out we had a lot in common,
00:40:41like ideas about Father Christmas
00:40:42and how it is he can do what he does.
00:40:44You know, theoretically.
00:40:46We really got into it
00:40:48and was going to organise a convention and everything.
00:40:50And call it the science of Christmas
00:40:52and use it to get children interested in the subject
00:40:55from a young age.
00:40:57Inspire future generations.
00:40:59We had publishers interested
00:41:00and television people.
00:41:02There was even talk of a podcast.
00:41:03What happened?
00:41:05Father Christmas.
00:41:06He shut us down.
00:41:07I'm not saying he did it personally.
00:41:09But he was definitely involved.
00:41:10What I think did you have?
00:41:12Active camouflage.
00:41:13It's what the big man uses to make himself invisible.
00:41:15His red jumpsuit is actually just an image of a red jumpsuit
00:41:19projected onto a flexible, wearable OLED screen.
00:41:23Hidden cameras constantly film what is around him
00:41:26and then project that on the screen on the opposite side.
00:41:29It's like he's wrapped in a live feed of his immediate environment.
00:41:32It's the same technology James Bond used
00:41:34to make his car invisible in Die Another Day.
00:41:38Why didn't you see it?
00:41:39Exactly.
00:41:41Sorry, that's all I have time for.
00:41:43I've got to take a cake out of the oven.
00:41:45Wait.
00:41:48How do I find Father Christmas?
00:41:51Keep doing it, soldier.
00:41:52That's what I've been trying to tell you.
00:41:55Stay clear.
00:41:56You don't want to get mixed up in this.
00:41:58You don't want to get mixed up in this.
00:42:15Well, that period of time has ended in the lake.
00:42:21One, two, three, four.
00:42:23Blue, two, three.
00:42:23I'll get it.
00:42:28I'll get it!
00:42:32Straight in the double.
00:42:34Pause this line.
00:42:35Miss Georgina.
00:42:50Miss Bailey.
00:42:51How do I look?
00:42:53I've got gear and headlights.
00:42:55Coming!
00:42:55Let the old ribbells up holly.
00:43:10Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:13Tis the season to be jolly.
00:43:16Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:18Fill the meat up.
00:43:20Drain the barrel.
00:43:21Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:23Trail the ancient Christmas chow.
00:43:26Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:29Follow me in merry measure.
00:43:32Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:34Burst away the old year passes.
00:43:37Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:39Hail the lonely lads and lasses.
00:43:42Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:44Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:47Burst away the old year passes.
00:43:50Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:43:54La.
00:44:09I can explain.
00:44:16My letter to Father Christmas that I posted.
00:44:19I know.
00:44:20You know that it's a criminal offence to interfere with an envelope that is stamped and addressed.
00:44:25I rescued it.
00:44:26For what?
00:44:27Do you know what happens to letters addressed to Father Christmas?
00:44:30Well, I know what's supposed to happen.
00:44:32They get sent to Father Christmas, so we know you've got presents to get.
00:44:35They get shredded.
00:44:37All of them.
00:44:39They're put into a big machine that cuts them up into long thin strips,
00:44:43which are dumped into big red bins and then stuck on the back of an old blue lorry and taken to God knows where.
00:44:51So you don't know where?
00:44:52I know it's not the North Pole.
00:44:54How do you know?
00:44:55Because I do.
00:44:56You don't.
00:44:58You don't know.
00:44:59You just don't want to believe.
00:45:00You always think that everything is destined to ending disaster.
00:45:05Not everything is destined to end in disaster.
00:45:20Hi, this is Georgina.
00:45:29I can't come to the phone right now, so please leave a message.
00:45:33Hey, Georgina.
00:45:35It's Nick here.
00:45:36Nick.
00:45:37Massey.
00:45:38From the house opposite.
00:45:39Well, it's not really opposite, is it?
00:45:42It's more sort of, I'd say, ten o'clock?
00:45:44Um, it's definitely across the street.
00:45:46It doesn't matter.
00:45:48Um, I'm just returning your call, basically.
00:45:51Um, from April, I think it was.
00:45:55Um, just to say that, yes.
00:45:58I'd really like to go for that drink.
00:46:01Um, if the offer still stands.
00:46:04And that I'm free tonight.
00:46:08If that's not too rash.
00:46:15Nailed it.
00:46:17So letters to Father Christmas are shredded, put on that blue lorry, and then taken where?
00:46:21That's the reason we're following the blue lorry.
00:46:38Hiya.
00:46:39Um, yeah.
00:46:40Tonight.
00:46:41Sounds great.
00:46:42Um, I think I can get to you for about, uh, eight o'clock.
00:46:46So, yeah.
00:46:47I guess I'll see you then.
00:46:50Bye.
00:46:51Still got it.
00:46:56Ah!
00:47:16Oh!
00:47:17Chris, before I forget...
00:47:18There you go.
00:47:20You got me a U-SIM card?
00:47:24No.
00:47:25That's just the one I swallowed.
00:47:28You wait here.
00:47:30Where are you going?
00:47:31I have an idea.
00:47:39No, no!
00:47:40Can I help you?
00:47:40Can I help you?
00:47:43I don't know.
00:47:44Can you?
00:47:46Well, not unless you tell me what it is you want.
00:47:48No.
00:47:51I'm, uh...
00:47:52I'm here to see Father Christmas.
00:47:55Oh, yeah.
00:47:57Got an appointment?
00:47:59Do I need one?
00:48:04Does this look like the North Pole to you?
00:48:06Hmm?
00:48:07I don't know.
00:48:08I've never been.
00:48:09Yeah.
00:48:09Well, it's not.
00:48:12It's Milton Keynes.
00:48:13Okay.
00:48:14Now, clear off.
00:48:15Fair enough.
00:48:16Yep.
00:48:18Well, yep.
00:48:29He's definitely in there.
00:48:31Father Christmas?
00:48:33How do you know?
00:48:35Women's institution, Chris.
00:48:38What now?
00:48:40Plan B.
00:48:40No, sir.
00:48:49No problem.
00:48:50No problem.
00:49:10Are you sure that she's going to work?
00:49:29I don't look anything like a security guard.
00:49:32Yeah, because you haven't put the hat on yet.
00:49:38Oh.
00:49:40I know you've just done this before.
00:49:43But I suppose the question is, how many times?
00:49:46I really don't know.
00:49:47It's not like I can count.
00:49:49Like, less than a hundred more than once.
00:49:51You mean twice?
00:49:52Well, you know what they say, but I'm lucky.
00:49:55The first two times failed.
00:49:58Chris, now is really not the time for second thoughts, okay?
00:50:00Did you want to find out if Father Christmas is real or not?
00:50:03Well, yeah, but...
00:50:04Good, because there is a very small chance
00:50:06that he is on the other side of that wall.
00:50:08A very small chance?
00:50:09Yes, you say definitely.
00:50:11Definitely a very small chance.
00:50:13Now, you just remember what I told you, yeah?
00:50:15Tuck and roll.
00:50:16You didn't tell me that.
00:50:18Well, I'm telling you now, aren't I?
00:50:19Tuck and roll.
00:50:21Okay.
00:50:21Okay.
00:50:22Tuck and roll.
00:50:23Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:50:25Wait, wait, wait.
00:50:30Aim for the minnows.
00:50:33And tuck and roll.
00:50:34I got it.
00:50:36I got it.
00:50:37It works.
00:51:00Stay right where you are!
00:51:24Oh, I'm so sorry, mate. I didn't realise you were one of us.
00:51:27Oh, yeah. You know, I am. Definitely.
00:51:35Hang on. I don't recognise you.
00:51:40Well, you must be new.
00:51:44That's right. Yeah, yeah, I am. I'm just, um, just trans-frogging.
00:51:49Well, then, how come you have a different uniform?
00:51:54Well, it must be from a different branch.
00:51:56Go on, then. Let's have a cup of tea.
00:51:59I'll introduce you to the crazy gang.
00:52:01Oh, no.
00:52:02Uncle Nicholas. Uncle Nicholas. I tried to talk him out of it. I swear. I really did. I really...
00:52:07Are you all right? Hi.
00:52:08But he just... he wouldn't listen. He wouldn't listen.
00:52:10Holly, he said. That is very mature and incredibly level-headed advice.
00:52:13But I will... but I will fundamentally ignore it.
00:52:15Holly, Holly, slow down. What are you talking about? Where is Chris?
00:52:19Newroom Keynes? I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm out of ideas. I mean, he's 16 years old and he still believes in football.
00:52:21I'm out of ideas. I mean, he's 16 years old and he still believes in football.
00:52:22I'm out of it. I'm out of it. I swear. I really did. I really...
00:52:23Are you all right? Hi.
00:52:24But he just... he wouldn't listen. He wouldn't listen.
00:52:25Holly, he said. That is very mature and incredibly level-headed advice. But I will... but I will fundamentally ignore it.
00:52:32Holly, Holly, slow down. What are you talking about? Where is Chris?
00:52:42Newroom Keynes? I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm out of ideas. I mean, he's 16 years old and he still believes in football.
00:52:48And he still believes in Father Christmas. I think that's good. I don't. I think it's sad and pathetic.
00:52:55He's becoming more and more like his dad each day. At least he believes in something. A lot of people don't.
00:53:03I mean, I don't know. I'm not his parent. You are. But I am his teacher.
00:53:08And what I see is a boy who's bright and curious and tenacious and who shows initiative.
00:53:15Those are all good qualities.
00:53:22And thanks for coming tonight.
00:53:25This wasn't really what I had in mind for our first date.
00:53:28Listen up, everyone. This is Chris. You just transferred in.
00:53:34All right, Chris. Hiya.
00:53:35Chris, this is Danny. Where were you before?
00:53:38Swinging.
00:53:40That's Frank.
00:53:41I didn't know we had an office in Swingham.
00:53:44They wouldn't tell us if they did.
00:53:46You got that. Right.
00:53:48Angela. Hi.
00:53:49Come on, then. I'll show you round the kitchen.
00:53:52So that's Robbo, Big Gen and tea bag.
00:53:55Cup of tea, Chris.
00:53:56No, no, no. No children. I need a girlfriend first.
00:54:17Oh, sorry.
00:54:19Go ahead. This is good talk. Over.
00:54:22Yeah. You haven't seen anyone you're not supposed to on your rounds, have you?
00:54:26Over.
00:54:27No. What kind? Over.
00:54:29Got a gentleman here. This is lad Trump leaned over the back wall earlier on tonight.
00:54:33Over.
00:54:34No. Sorry.
00:54:37Hang on a minute.
00:54:41Chris?
00:54:43Yeah?
00:54:44You were round the back earlier.
00:54:46See anything that looked like a young lad?
00:54:49No, no.
00:54:51Not back from Finkel.
00:54:52Sorry, mate.
00:54:53Can't help you. Over and out.
00:54:56It's the toilet.
00:54:57Oh, it's just out there, second on the left.
00:55:04Good kid.
00:55:06Settling in very nicely.
00:55:14Where is he?
00:55:19Where is he?
00:55:22Yeah.
00:55:23Let's go.
00:55:53Let's go.
00:56:23Let's go.
00:56:53Let's go.
00:57:23Let's go.
00:57:30Let's go.
00:57:31Come on.
00:57:32In you go.
00:57:33Actions have consequences.
00:57:36Right.
00:57:39What do you want to say?
00:57:41Sorry.
00:57:42Remember, you have to be specific if you want to sound sincere.
00:57:47I'm sorry I was so heavy-handed.
00:57:50Speak up!
00:57:51I'm sorry I was so heavy-handed.
00:57:54I didn't mean to scare you or put you in danger.
00:57:57It won't happen again.
00:57:59I promise.
00:58:11Right.
00:58:12Off you go.
00:58:13Poor old Ruprecht.
00:58:22His heart's in the right place.
00:58:24And the truth is, well, I couldn't do without him.
00:58:27He takes care of that part of the business, and that leaves me free to do the things that I need to do.
00:58:31Which is a random-ed way of saying, I have no idea who you are, why you're here, why you didn't just write a letter like everyone else.
00:58:39I did.
00:58:41And I'm Chris, by the way.
00:58:43Right.
00:58:44Do you have the letter on you?
00:58:45Yes, I do.
00:58:48Here.
00:58:49Oh.
00:58:52Right.
00:58:54Let me guess.
00:58:55Wireless headphones.
00:58:57A hoodie.
00:58:58A black Namdo's card.
00:59:00All you want for Christmas is for your dad to believe in Father Christmas.
00:59:11He doesn't think to exist.
00:59:14Tell me, Chris.
00:59:16It is Chris, isn't it?
00:59:17Have you, uh...
00:59:20Have you ever seen a magic trick?
00:59:22Were you amazed?
00:59:34I was.
00:59:39What do you think could have happened if the magician had explained the trick to you first?
00:59:44It wouldn't feel like magic.
00:59:45Well, that's the approach we like to take here.
00:59:51Truth is, it helps to have people like your dad out there, the skeptics and non-believers.
00:59:56It makes it more special for the children and those that do believe.
01:00:00And that's the most important thing, wouldn't you agree?
01:00:04Unfortunately, it's getting harder and harder to amaze people.
01:00:08A hundred years ago, the science I had, it was a thousand years ahead of anyone.
01:00:12A decade ago, only a century, and now it's getting closer.
01:00:17The gap is closing fast.
01:00:20The inexorable march of progress.
01:00:22Those people in the photograph, I'm sure they had good intentions,
01:00:27but they were getting dangerously close to the truth.
01:00:30And that would have ruined Christmas for an awful lot of people.
01:00:34We'd wait to step in.
01:00:35Now, I understand that you want to prove to your dad that I'm real and that you were right,
01:00:44but I need to ask you a favor.
01:00:47I need you to keep all of this a secret.
01:00:54You know, to preserve the magic for at least one more generation.
01:01:01Do you think you could do that for me?
01:01:06Well, I can't really say no to Father Christmas, can I?
01:01:10Well, what can I get you instead?
01:01:17How about an air fryer?
01:01:18I've had a run on those.
01:01:22No.
01:01:24I know what I want.
01:01:26Oh.
01:01:26Oh.
01:01:40With your science teacher?
01:01:43No, I don't...
01:01:43No, not for me.
01:01:45Oh.
01:01:53Well.
01:01:57It's a little outside my remit, but...
01:02:01I'll see what I can do.
01:02:10I'll see what I can do.
01:02:40You do know that this is not about Father Christmas, don't you?
01:02:48For either of you.
01:02:49You know, I wouldn't say this out loud, but, um...
01:03:01I was really proud of the way you kept going back there.
01:03:23You know, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, you...
01:03:30You showed real determination.
01:03:35She loved Christmas.
01:03:48Not as much as you, obviously.
01:03:51But it was definitely her favourite time of year.
01:03:53You know, I think part of the reason why you wanted to still believe in Father Christmas was because of that.
01:04:05Because Mum and Christmas are so closely associated, it's as if...
01:04:12It's as if to believe in Father Christmas was to keep the memory of her alive.
01:04:20But you'll never forget her.
01:04:23She'll always be here.
01:04:24And we'll still have a great Christmas, won't we?
01:04:29Yeah.
01:04:29Eh?
01:04:30We'll open presents and pull crackers, put up decorations, cook a goose, pretend we like Christmas pudding.
01:04:38The works.
01:04:39Thanks, Dad.
01:04:41I love you, son.
01:04:41Dad.
01:04:47Hmm?
01:04:49I also think that part of the reason that you didn't want me to believe in Father Christmas was because of Mum as well.
01:04:59Oh?
01:05:01Almost as if...
01:05:04I don't know, because Mum and Christmas are so closely associated that...
01:05:08If I still believed in Father Christmas, then it would just be too hard for you to move on for the rest of your life.
01:05:23But you can.
01:05:27You're not going to forget her.
01:05:36That's an interesting call.
01:05:38Bye.
01:05:45Bye.
01:05:46Bye, Daddy.
01:06:07Bye.
01:06:08Bye.
01:06:08Bye.
01:06:08Bye.
01:06:08Bye.
01:06:08Bye.
01:06:08Bye.
01:06:08I don't know.
01:06:38I don't know.
01:07:08I don't know.
01:07:09Anyway, come on.
01:07:10That goose isn't going to cook itself.
01:07:15Merry Christmas.
01:07:45Merry Christmas.
01:07:52Merry Christmas.
01:07:54And we'll get to see if some of that Merry Christmas magic reaches the Bake Off tent as David Mitchell and Olivia Colman join some of their Peep Show co-stars for the great Christmas Bake Off tomorrow, Christmas Day at 8.
01:08:06And talking of Bake Off, Alison Hammond and the megastar Rick Astley join Adam, Josh and Alex for the last leg of Christmas.
01:08:12That's tonight's September.
01:08:14That's right after our Cats Countdown Christmas special close out next.
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