- 6 days ago
Tv, Allo Allo S7E01 - A Quiet Honeymoon
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00:00That noise you can hear is my wife, Edith, upstairs, banging in the spare bedroom with
00:23M. Alphonse the undertaker. They are constructing a secret compartment for us to hide in should
00:32the Germans ever discover that we are helping the British Airmen to escape. Needless to say,
00:38the plan to get the Airmen away by balloon went wrong. The ropes of the balloon became
00:43accidentally entangled in the bed containing my wife's mother and her toy pensioner husband,
00:49M. Leclerc. They were last seen floating at 500 feet due south. Edith is, of course,
00:58very upset by all this. Fortunately, I am made of stronger stuff and I'm managing to contain my grief.
01:06The secret compartment is finished. Oh, good. I was beginning to think I had a severe case of dandruff.
01:13Well, Alphonse is a dabander doing it himself. I'm sure he is.
01:17It's all those years making coffins, but I shall sleep more soundly now, knowing that should the end
01:24come, we will be safe in our secret compartment. Just the two of us. The three of us, huh? You'd have to
01:31slim a bit. M. Alphonse, what a comfort it is to have such loyal friends. Oh, do not mention it,
01:38Madame Edith. Next week, I will send you the bill for the wood. And the screws.
01:47Quenny, is there any news of Mama? I am afraid not. Oh, I am so worried about her. To think of her
01:53floating up there in bed, suspended under a balloon. She's probably fast asleep, floating along quite
02:00safely. Oh, what a comfort your words are. Of course, there is always a chance she will forget
02:05where she is and decide to go to the bathroom. Listen very carefully. I shall gasp this only once.
02:16I have bad news. M. Leclerc and Madame Fanny have been shot down over Abbeville. Oh, no. Are you sure
02:24it was them? How many old couples are floating around France in the day? Perhaps the springs of
02:31the mattress have cushioned the lending. There were no springs in the mattress. Oh, we must say a prayer
02:37for them. Oh, all right. Dear Lord, if you have a moment, please watch over my wife's mother and
02:44Monsieur Leclerc. And if possible, make sure we get the bed back. What was that? Where's the motorbike
02:54and sidecar? It's Madame Fanny. What? I'm Monsieur Leclerc. Mama, thank heaven you are safe. But
03:08what happened? The balloon was hit by shrapnel, but we landed in an a-stack. It was Ernest who
03:14saved the day. He deserves a euro's reward. Do not tell me you have brought the bed back
03:19with you. He stole a motorbike and we drove like the wind. My God, did anybody see you? Only
03:29the Germans who shot at us when we smashed through the roadblock. I am revitalized. I demand that
03:38we sign on for active service in the resistance. You silly old fools. You'll have half the German
03:45army coming here. Oh, my God. They are here already? They must not find me here. I will
03:51disappear down the back passage. I have just suddenly remembered an urgent appointment with
03:58a stiff. Well, we must deny knowing anything about the motorbike. The wanted motorbike outside
04:07and proceed entering the town doing a wheelie. Where is the driver? We will not talk. Then
04:14you are all under arrest. But we do not even know these people. Silence! Take them away.
04:20And to think I paid for the wedding. What is it, Helga? Can't you see we're busy?
04:33There are some prisoners outside, Colonel. Oh, all right. Bring them in. Bring in the prisoners!
04:46Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right.
04:52Help! Get out. I am sure there has been some mistake. Be quiet. I warn you, René, I am not
05:01in a good mood. We are doing very badly on the Russian front. Oh, I am sorry to hear that.
05:07The man, Fanny, and Monsieur Leclerc are charged with assaulting a German officer, stealing
05:12a motorbike, failure to stop at a roadblock, and flying a bed attached to a balloon in
05:17a military airspace. These are serious charges. What do you mean to say for yourselves?
05:24You are a fat pig. Please note that I do not wish to be associated with any personal opinions
05:32of my wife's mother. We quite understand. Now, Madam Fanny, perhaps you could explain.
05:41Shermans, I spit on you.
05:45Shut up, you silly old butt. You will get us all shocked. Do something. She is your wife.
05:50I hardly know the woman. In view of the seriousness of these offences, I have to send you to jail
05:57for at least seven days. But Colinello, they are very old. And they were on their honeymoon.
06:06Make it 14 days. To be on the safe side, make it 21.
06:12Much fun. Let's say justice. 30 days. Are you going to try for life?
06:20My mother-in-law is an old lady. She has moments of insanity. It runs in the family.
06:27The balloon was an accident. And assaulting a sentry. And stealing a motorbike. And riding
06:33full speed through roadblocks. How do you explain that?
06:38She had left a cake in the oven.
06:41Please, Colonel. Be merciful.
06:44Yes, perhaps we could show the magnanimity of the conqueror.
06:48You're right, Cooper. But I must make an example.
06:51Guard. Take those people to the police station. Make sure they get a comfortable serum.
06:58Long live France. Long live France.
07:03She did not mean that.
07:05I can send you there as well.
07:07They will be more comfortable on their own. Thank you.
07:10And look on the bright side, Edie. There is very little difference between being married
07:15and being in the nick.
07:17Oh, sorry. Sorry.
07:19I'll... watch his name.
07:30You sent for me, Heflick?
07:32Yes, Helga.
07:33My spies inform me that the old lady from the cafe and her geriatric husband
07:39have been jailed for flying an unlicensed bed in military airspace.
07:44Your spies work quickly. I was just about to tell you this.
07:48I suspect that the airborne bed has something to do with the British airmen.
07:53We must therefore interrogate the two flying pensioners.
07:57But how? They have been taken to jail.
07:59I am aware of this.
08:01And have therefore instructed von Smallhausen
08:04to disguise himself as a common criminal.
08:07He will commit a crime,
08:09get himself locked up in the same cell as the old couple,
08:12and ingratiate himself with them.
08:15Reveal yourself von Smallhausen.
08:18Why do you spit von Smallhausen?
08:29I am getting into the part, Heflick.
08:32Do not do it again. I have just had the floor polished.
08:35What crime will this very common-looking criminal commit, Heflick?
08:39It is not yet decided.
08:41Could he not climb into the colonel's office
08:43and steal the petty cash?
08:45That is a good idea, Helga.
08:47My dazzling brilliance is obviously rubbing off on you.
08:50As a reward, you may kiss me.
08:57Get up!
08:59I must not spoil you.
09:01Do I get a kiss too?
09:03Von Smallhausen, you are not Raffles.
09:06You are a common criminal.
09:08And, if I may say so, rather uppity.
09:11I have odours to lick you up.
09:16But I am potting you in a good sill.
09:20What did he say, Ernest?
09:25I have no idea.
09:27I think he is drunk.
09:29I am not drink.
09:30I am just doing my dirty.
09:32Now, make yourselves comfy and I will bring you a nice pot of two.
09:38It means a pot of tea.
09:39Oh, what a relief.
09:40Oh, I do not like being banged up like this at my age.
09:53We must get out of here.
09:55We could dig a tunnel at the Count of Monte Cristo.
09:58Oh, that took him twenty years.
10:01I would be, er, oh, er, under the four by the time I get out.
10:08You will still look the same to me.
10:10I thought you were once one of the best cracksmen in France.
10:17Hmm, a long time ago.
10:19Take this there, Peen, and try your luck with the lock.
10:23Oh, where is it?
10:28Don't tell me.
10:31Monsieur Leclerc, you were not supposed to leave your sill.
10:47You would get me into trouble.
10:49Oh, what is that case?
10:51Could we have coffee instead of tea and perhaps a sandwich?
10:55Crib meat, simon or sardine?
10:58Oh, just a biscuit will do.
11:04General von Flockenstaufen,
11:06I am cross first class,
11:08holder of the Distinguished Order of the Silver Eagle
11:11and member of the Burgess Garden Ramblers.
11:14Heil Hitler.
11:15Heil Hitler.
11:16Heil Mussolini.
11:19Mussolini is still no go too good, eh?
11:22I have come to inform you that since von Klinkerhofen
11:25seems to be having a nervous breakdown,
11:27I will be taking charge of the Galson until he is fit to return.
11:31We all wish him a speedy recovery.
11:33And may I say, General,
11:35that it will be an honour to serve under you.
11:38It is noble.
11:40So, now that I am in charge, Colonel,
11:42there are urgent priorities for us to discuss.
11:45Like recapturing the escaped British air?
11:47Well, you should.
11:48That is high on my list, of course.
11:50But first, I think we should redecorate this room.
11:53Then come, it is a disgrace.
11:55And as for the colour of the walls, unspeakable!
11:58I mean, how could you live with these paintings?
12:01It has not been easy.
12:04I admit they do get up my nerves.
12:07Come, Grobel.
12:09Perhaps we could stroll around
12:11and see what is worth keeping.
12:14I'll take notes.
12:15Yes.
12:16You see, this will have to go, of course.
12:18Naturally.
12:19What would you put in its place, Lieutenant?
12:21Still life, perhaps?
12:24Or one of the impressionists?
12:26Ah, good idea.
12:27Huh?
12:28Hmm?
12:29Perhaps I could persuade Marshal Goring
12:31to lend us a, uh, money.
12:33You'll not get him to lend you the money.
12:37We hear he's a very tight-fisted with the cash.
12:41Pleasant.
12:42Captain Bertrande,
12:43maybe you'll just pour the drinks
12:44and leave us to discuss the paintings.
12:49You know, uh, Hubert,
12:51I'm surprised you're still only a lieutenant.
12:54I've been looking at your war records.
12:56That's most impressive.
12:57Thank you, General.
12:58Yes.
12:59I had not realised that you had spent
13:01ten days under fire at the Russian front,
13:04trapped in a foxhole with nine stormtroopers.
13:08It must have been hell.
13:11I'm still trying to forget it.
13:14Well, I wish I had been with you.
13:16It would have been nice to be in on the action
13:18for a change.
13:21Do I take looks at this?
13:23Certainly not.
13:27Ah.
13:28Ah, dear.
13:29Taken not private.
13:30Crystal glasses.
13:32One cannot drink cognac out of rubbish like this.
13:35They were given to me by my mother.
13:37Oh, really?
13:38Did she give you the decanter as well?
13:40No.
13:41No, I thought not.
13:42It looks quite good.
13:48Ah, Rubens.
13:50Not an original, of course.
13:52Well, I spotted that.
13:53No, the original has a famous title.
13:55I'm trying to recall it.
13:56I got it.
13:57Look, Mama.
13:58I've been at the pasta again.
13:59Papillion.
14:01Aye, Lieutenant.
14:02I think it's best if we continue this discussion elsewhere.
14:05Look, I'm just off to see poor old Klinkerhofen.
14:07Will you accompany me?
14:08I shall drive you in my little tank.
14:09Oh, sure.
14:10That will be fun.
14:11Oh, by the way.
14:12I see from my daily reports that you have jailed an old man and a woman today.
14:15Oh, it's a very serious offence to fly around in a bedstead, General.
14:17Nonsense.
14:18Such actions will make us extremely unpopular.
14:19One night in jail will be enough.
14:20I want them released at dawn.
14:21Hmm?
14:23Come, Huber.
14:24I'm going to take a look at this discussion elsewhere.
14:25Look, I'm just off to see poor old Klinkerhofen.
14:26Will you accompany me?
14:27I shall drive you in my little tank.
14:28I'm sure that will be fun.
14:29All of you.
14:30I guess your past actions would make us extremely unpopular.
14:32One night in jail will be enough.
14:33I want them released at dawn.
14:34Hmm?
14:37Come, Hubert.
14:45Who does that jumped up interior decorator think he is?
14:49Coming in here and taking over like that?
14:50I agree, and Lieutenant Gruber is being very crawly.
14:55Well, that word had crossed my mind.
14:57mind should be glad when one thinkerhofen is well enough to return should i remove the paintings
15:03no leave it alone that's right hey this is your office if you want the rubbish on the wall you
15:08have the rubbish on the wall leave the carpet and when i return i want the paintings removed and a
15:16new carpet in place and let grober choose something with pink perhaps i had the same thought i'm not
15:23surprised see to it of course general uh just as i thought all a mouth and no trousers
15:31get out and whilst you're out why don't you kill a chicken and get your hat re-stuffed
15:36good idea i got chase a bird or two
15:39oh your soup and general
15:57how am i supposed to drink it through this straw
16:09how am i supposed to drink it through this straw
16:30hello
16:31hello operator get me berlin at once
16:38i'll give you a line and you can dial the number yourself
16:45you incompetent idiot come back yes
16:47thank you general may be well enough to come up for a period of convalescence
16:52what is your name rank and number talk to me if you do not reply i will have you called marshall
17:01he's talking to the fruit
17:03second thoughts i think we'll keep him in for the time being is there anyone there
17:13hello hello
17:22fish soup will make a nice change on the menu
17:25it still does not smell very fishy we will add some of this seaweed
17:32that will give it a bit of body is this wartime rationing
17:36um get me the leftovers from lunch
17:44yes we will have to throw it in a tin of sardines to fill it out a bit
17:49how we ever got three stars in the michelin guide i cannot imagine
17:54i'll see who that is
17:58it is michelle of the resistance
18:01are you alone apart from you yvette and a couple of dead fish yes i am alone
18:06then listen very carefully i have a new plan to get the british airmen back to england
18:11oh what a surprise we are going to ask london for a light aircraft which will land that night
18:17guided by the headlights of my resistance girls bicycles
18:20unfortunately we are short of batteries for the cycle lamps at the moment but we are only in the
18:25planning stage i will not hold my breath i will go along with anything as long as it gets the two
18:31airmen out of my house don't worry it cannot fail by the way where are the airmen
18:36hello hello chaps everything tickety boob bang on i must say we're damn glad to be out of those
18:49bridesmaids dresses why were they uncomfortable crepe to shin that brings me out in a rash
18:55oh never mind we'll soon have you out of there good show i say that soup smells good
19:01they are hungry this is for customers only
19:10that's not good
19:13but it tastes awful michelle one thing a frenchman cannot stand is to have somebody insulting his
19:19buia base don't worry i'm going
19:24oh renee i love it when you are so masterful oh hold me see how my lips quiver in anticipation
19:42wouldn't it be nice if we could escape to england in that airplane instead of the potish airmen oh if
19:47only we could one day kiss me as you've never kissed me before that will not be easy
19:59what are you doing holding that servant girl in your arms you stupid
20:06can you not see that this poor child had got a fish bone stuck in her throat from tasting the soup
20:10i was trying to get it out here you get take a chunk of this bread it will help then go and lie
20:15down here open wide there oh quick love you as he says
20:23oh renee how thoughtless i am did you want something i have come to a decision we must get mama and
20:30monsieur leclerc out of jail oh do not be silly edie mama is not well how will she endure the hardships
20:37of prison life the isolation the damp the lack of gin she is only in the local nick she has not been
20:46sent to devil's island not yet anyway it is so ignominious a couple of days with your mother and
20:53the germans will send her on parole no we must get them out i have thought of a plan oh i do not want
21:01to hear it we must break them out of jail and smuggle them into spain well that does have its
21:07merits and pass the salt then you will help oh well no i did not exactly say that i have got the
21:14bouillabaisse to finish it is my own secret recipe which everybody talks about you coward i will do it
21:21myself now everyone will talk about your secret recipe even more now you have ruined it you stupid
21:30woman oh it is all the fault of those damned airmen was that the dinner gong
21:37if it was i think we're eating outside
21:53i have come to commit the crime but it's broad daylight why do not come at night like a normal
21:58burglar the gestapo do not pay overtime here you go
22:04i will give you about one minute and then i will come in and catch you red-handed
22:13oh captain bertarelli what a surprise i kiss your hand you beautiful lady
22:20i bring you these flowers oh captain they're lovely
22:27i kiss the flower seller she give me the flowers before she faint
22:31maybe you should cut down once a garlic you always make it a joke
22:39what's that i didn't hear anything
22:44me i investigate
22:45is it is a burglar no yes i capture him the red hands it is a fair cop i have been done bang to
22:59rights oh fair done captain bertarelli i will telephone the police they will take him off to jail
23:05eh what for the jail they mean nothing to these people inside they only learn the bad ways i handle this
23:11my way turn around bend over
23:17touch your toes
23:24did not take much
23:25it is the colonel's pretty cash he must go to jail
23:29ah he's only the smaller fry we should give him the break i am a dangerous criminal i must be punished
23:35rubbish come i give you the buns rush
23:41come back when you're bigger
23:45that's the way to handle them why do you always have to interfere
23:49because i've got the more important things to do
23:52how about you and me sitting in the back row of the pictures for a bit of the slap and the tickle
23:58if i wait until then
24:02what a mistake to make
24:04it is you what risk do you take to be with me less of a risk than usual i found this note on edith's pillow
24:23dear cowardly husband i have gone with mimi to rescue mama if i do not come back think well of me
24:34edith kiss kiss kiss
24:38the idiot she will get us all shocked
24:41listen someone is coming up the stairs oh my god
24:44it is the germans they have monsieur leclerc and madame fanny
24:48must mean they have made them talk we are done for
24:50oh daddy we have bust them out we used to push documents since the idiot's crutch we let them
24:58go now you have done it the germans will be after them we will hide them they will look everywhere
25:04we will use the secret compartment in the spare bedroom
25:12now mama you get into bed with monsieur leclerc and all i wanted was a quiet honeymoon
25:17what kind of a secret hiding place is this the germans are bound to look in the bed
25:24now mama turn the bed up at the top to the left what does it do oh i have no time to explain do it
25:31it look like two bats ibernating
25:47fanny lieutenant gruber has just entered the cafe
25:51he's coming upstairs you could not even lock the door
25:54i'm searching for them quick into the wardrobe why you are both dressed as german soldiers
26:02oh the strain of this world
26:08don't really it's only me
26:11india lieutenant i have come to give you some good news renee your mother-in-law and monsieur
26:18leclerc have been pardoned they are being released about now
26:26what is that strange noise we hear it every morning it is the restless spirit of my poor dead brother
26:33the one you shot
26:36do not remind me how long has this ghastly phenomenon been going on for weeks i was just trying to
26:43exorcise it excuse me two dominoes benedictine benedicos spiritus scarpus
26:55i think i am getting to it
26:57i do not think my conscience can stand it quick yvette take the lieutenant downstairs give him a brandy on the house
27:04on second thoughts i think i will return to my quarters
27:11before it comes through the wall if it does do not tell it where i live
27:19you heard that your mother and monsieur leclerc have been pardoned this was all a waste of time
27:25now how do we get this bed down it can only be done from the inside by turning the knob the other
27:30way then why do they not turn it perhaps because the knob has fallen off wonderful so much for do
27:39it yourself hiding places where are you going to have a drink and then to bed what about mama and
27:45monsieur leclerc he wanted a quiet honeymoon now he can have one
27:58so
28:07so
28:09so
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