- 2 days ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Mo Gilligan!
00:30How are we doing in London town, are you all right, are you good?
00:49Fantastic stuff man, so nice to be here at live video polo in Hammersmith, you're looking fantastic,
00:56can I get a little woo ladies and gentlemen?
00:59Yeah man, now listen right, when I started doing TV, 2016 right, people would often say to me yeah,
01:07they're like mate you've only got this job, you've only won a BAFTA because you're ticking a box, that's right, yeah yeah yeah,
01:12no you're ticking a box, it's because of diversity, so tonight I'm going to give you the most blackest show I've ever given you, okay?
01:19We're going to say all the black words that never get to make it on TV, look at all the black people, right finally bro,
01:25this is what we've been fighting for bro, I might say blood fire, can I get a woo?
01:31I might even say blood clot, that's right, you liked that one didn't you?
01:35Oh gosh, oh my gosh, it's like Notting Hill in here isn't it?
01:39And if you're lucky, I might even give you a bumber clot, can I get eugh?
01:45South Londoners are loading up the invisible gun that your blood, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up,
01:52listen when I first started doing TV yeah, because this is the gun finger yeah, if you're not familiar with this, this is what we call a gun finger right?
01:59Now sometimes you get a negative connotation that comes with the gun finger, do you know what I mean?
02:04You know, you get a negative connotation man, but that's not true, you can use it for the positive my friend, do you know what I mean?
02:09What's getting on bro, happy birthday, you can do stuff like this, you can use it for the sad,
02:14oh what's getting on Jerome, oh bro my dog died, oh I'm sorry to hear about that man, yeah man, but it's alright, listen,
02:20he's going to be looking down for you on heaven, do you know what I mean? Ruff, ruff, you can do stuff like this with the gun finger yeah?
02:27Listen, the South London comes out yeah, at times where it shouldn't come out for me yeah?
02:32I go to church people yeah, I go to Hillsong in Golders Green right?
02:36And that's not a place where we should have a gun finger madam, we should not have gun fingers right?
02:40But when the spirit is inside you and a pastor said if you can feel Jesus Christ, put your hands in there, I'm like don't know, oh, whoops, oopsie.
02:49But no, I love living in London man, you know, there's a recently, there was a debate, I don't know if you guys are familiar with this,
02:56there was a debate recently and they said is London safer now or was it safer ten years ago, right?
03:02No I don't know, I don't know, I think London is safer now personally, do you know what I mean?
03:06Because we don't really have crime, you know, especially in central London where we are right now, there's no real crime, do you know what I mean?
03:13You know, don't get me wrong, we get some pickpocketers, we get some pickpocketers, yeah?
03:17But the beautiful thing about living in this city, yeah? Londoners, we will mind our business, that's what we would do.
03:22We will see someone getting pickpocketed and instead of speaking up, what do we do?
03:26We go, bro, let me hold my phone a bit tighter.
03:29Bro, they're really out here stealing.
03:31Like, I don't know if you guys have seen, they got this one lady on TikTok, have you seen this woman?
03:35Attentione, it's pickpocket! Have you seen this lady? This niche, let people pickpocket in peace!
03:45The most recent crime I see in central London is phone snatching, yeah? That's the real crime, yeah?
03:51Look at some of you right here, you know, some people got the little thing on their wrist and stuff, you know what I mean?
03:56Got your phone, connect to your wrist like a briefcase in Ocean's Eleven, do you know what I mean?
04:02I don't know, man, listen, I kind of like the phone snatches.
04:05You know why? Because that's a man who says, I'm going to rob and steal at 2pm!
04:10Do you know how crazy that is? That he puts on a balaclava at 2pm and snatches your phone, but he doesn't do it on foot!
04:17He doesn't do it on foot! He doesn't do it on foot! He does it on an electric bike!
04:22The fact that your phone just goes whoop, and you can just hear the bike go...
04:29That's a man who says, you know what, I don't care about society, I don't care about society.
04:34And you say, why? You know, because I don't, I'm here to rob and steal, I don't care about society.
04:39What do you care about? My carbon footprint, so let me just load up this bike.
04:44But this is, this is the top tier of comedy, people, yeah?
04:50This is live at the Apollo, ladies and gentlemen.
04:53This is the highest that you can get when it comes to doing comedy, you know?
04:57And I'm so pleased tonight to be able to host, I really, really am.
05:00You know, when you first start doing comedy, people say,
05:02Mike, what you want to do? You know, you want to get on live at the Apollo?
05:05You're like, I will, man, why are you talking like Ray Winston? Why are you talking like this, man?
05:09And here I am, you know, I've been able to do this before,
05:12but life wasn't like this. This was not my comedy journey, ladies and gentlemen.
05:16I started doing comedy on the black circuit, right?
05:19That's right, you have two circuits, you have the mainstream circuit and the black circuit.
05:23Now, the mainstream circuit is very different, right?
05:25Because you have comedy clubs that run from Monday to Sunday.
05:29On the black circuit, we normally get about four shows a month, right?
05:33Dotted around different parts of London.
05:35You know how I came out earlier on, people, and I was like,
05:38Oli, Oli, Oli. Oi, oi, oi. I tried it.
05:41Done a show in Halsdon. I came out, so much confidence.
05:45I was like, hey, what's up? Oli, Oli, Oli.
05:47One guy at the back was just like, suck your mum.
05:50It was awkward. My mum was there, she's laughing.
05:54I'm like, what are you laughing for? I was talking about you.
05:57Couldn't do any kind of crowd work, because crowd work is huge now for the comedy community.
06:05You know, there's comedians out there that do crowd work now.
06:08You can put it on Instagram, YouTube. Your clip can go viral.
06:11You can even tour off the back of crowd work. It's sensational.
06:14Now, in the black community, especially at black comedy shows,
06:17we don't do any crowd work, you know?
06:19But I thought, let me break the mould.
06:21Let's say there was someone where you were sitting, Madam Rat,
06:23and this lady had a cross on. I thought, perfect.
06:26I go to church. I can connect with this lady.
06:28She's a woman of God. She's not going to judge me.
06:31I said, hey, what's up? I see you. You got the cross on.
06:33This woman looked at me. She was like, big man, do the jokes.
06:40I was afraid for my life. I was like, why is your voice so deep, Chantel?
06:43Your voice is deep.
06:47But doing this job is great. It pays very well.
06:50You know, it pays very well.
06:51And some people ask me, they say, Mo, you're doing all right for yourself now.
06:54Let me ask you something. Does money change you?
06:56I said, what? Money change me? Does money change me?
07:00Of course, 100%.
07:02100%. No, money doesn't change you.
07:04Money makes you curious.
07:05I think that's what I believe.
07:07I think money doesn't change you, it makes you curious.
07:09Because we didn't grow up with a lot of money.
07:11We grew up poor.
07:12We didn't know we grew up poor until you kind of come home
07:15and you get a poor meal.
07:16You know, that's when you come home and your mum cooks corned beef and rice.
07:20And that's when you come in for a long day of school and you're like, oh, we're fucked.
07:24There's no money.
07:26Now, when you're 10 years old, you don't understand what it's like to be poor.
07:30You know, asking my mum for a pound.
07:32I'm like, mum, have you got a pound?
07:34My mum would say things.
07:35And as a child, you take it literally, you take it to heart.
07:37I was like, mum, have you got a pound?
07:38I was like, mum, have you got a pound?
07:39My mum's like, listen, I don't have two pounds to rub together right now.
07:43I was like, you ain't got two.
07:44Look at the sofas.
07:45Why are you watching Rikki Lake and Kilroy?
07:47Let's find some money here, man.
07:49How ain't you got two?
07:50You got three kids, a house.
07:52How do you have two pounds to rub together?
07:55Actually, furthermore, where is my child support?
07:58Where's that money going?
07:59Because that's what we do when you grow up.
08:02You're like, where did the child support money, mum go?
08:04Where's that?
08:05Buying Lambrini and cigarettes.
08:06What do you mean?
08:07Where's the money?
08:09But growing up poor teaches you a lot about life.
08:11You know, buying name brand food.
08:13We didn't even get to go to name brand supermarkets growing up.
08:16Because I believe there was a league table.
08:18You know, you had your Sainsbury's, you had your Tesco, you know,
08:21you had Morrison's.
08:22Back in the day, it wasn't called Morrison's.
08:24It was called Safeway, yeah?
08:26That let all us poor people know this is the safe way to shop, okay?
08:31I didn't get to go to any of these supermarkets.
08:33I went to a supermarket called Quicksave.
08:35Do you guys remember Quicksave?
08:36Quicksave.
08:37Quicksave.
08:38Don't woo.
08:39Listen.
08:40Quicksave.
08:41Quicksave was horrible.
08:42Do you know why?
08:43I'll tell you why.
08:44Because Quicksave had their own branded food, right?
08:46Now, in some branded food, they would call it essentials, yeah?
08:49Do you know what Quicksave called it?
08:50No frills.
08:51Do you know how fucked up that is?
08:53That's it.
08:54You're so poor.
08:55There's no frills in this food, yeah?
08:57We would buy beans.
08:58We didn't know if they were baked beans, kidney beans, runner beans.
09:02We didn't know what beans these were, yeah?
09:05We didn't have no branded food at all.
09:07And that's okay.
09:08You know, you grow up until you go to a friend's house and they have branded food.
09:12You know, I went to one of my middle-class friends' house.
09:15You know, they was like, Moe, Moe, would you like some Ribena?
09:19I said, yeah, I love some Ribena.
09:20He took out a carton of the fridge.
09:22I said, Pierre, bruv, we're both going to get beets.
09:25What are you doing, bruv?
09:26Put that carton back.
09:28You know, he gave me the juice.
09:29He poured it up to the top and then he was like, Moe, Moe, would you care for a biscuit?
09:34I said, I love a biscuit.
09:35He had a biscuit tin.
09:37I said to myself, if this boy pulls out a chocolate McVitie's biscuit,
09:41I'm going to slap his mum in the chest.
09:43There's no way we didn't have any branded food, even biscuits.
09:47We didn't have any branded biscuits.
09:49We grew up poor.
09:50We had biscuits called broken biscuits.
09:53Are you guys familiar with what broken biscuits are?
09:56These are the biscuits that are like hobnobs that are broken.
10:00Pink wafers that are blue.
10:02You've just got all the injured biscuits.
10:05A custard cream with no custard.
10:07Yeah?
10:08The bag was five kilograms.
10:10Like, I used to think, how does the factory work?
10:13Like, is it just like two guys at work in a factory just sweeping up all the biscuits?
10:18And they're like, listen, we can't sell those.
10:20They're like, no, no, sweep them up, sweep them up.
10:22It's all right.
10:23Moe's mum will buy these.
10:25But no, money doesn't change you.
10:30It makes you curious.
10:31Even for where I'm at in life, I'm able to, you know, earn my own money, have my own living, you know.
10:36I started finding out secrets, though, when you have money, you know.
10:40Now I go to the top-tier supermarkets, yeah?
10:42I'll be going Waitrose.
10:43Hey, listen, middle-class white people, why did you not tell us about Waitrose?
10:47There's no security in there.
10:49Hey!
10:50Day one, I was stealing!
10:53On the self-checkout, you can't steal on the self-checkout.
10:56If you go Tesco, you try to steal, boop, they got a camera there.
10:59Bow, it's right there.
11:00You can't steal nothing.
11:02Day one, I was like, boop, one for the bag, boop, one for me.
11:06Boop, one for the bag, boop, one for me.
11:09You try it out in one of these supermarkets now, you know.
11:12Seek assistance, yeah?
11:14The light is flashing.
11:16Now you've got to pretend like you weren't trying to put fresh mangoes in your pocket.
11:20They're bulging out.
11:22He's like, oh, excuse me, I don't know what's going on.
11:24I don't know what's going on.
11:25And then this guy comes over.
11:27I don't know what piece of paper he has when he comes and he goes,
11:31it's all right, it's okay.
11:32Boop, I steal the mangoes too.
11:33You're like, what?
11:34I wasn't stealing mangoes, bro.
11:36Look at some of you like, yeah, I steal the mangoes too.
11:41You're like, yeah, I steal the mangoes as well.
11:42You know, yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:45It's different when you go to some of these middle-class establishments, man.
11:48Especially going Waitrose.
11:49I started buying middle-class food, man.
11:51Do you know what I mean?
11:52Because I know the entry level, you know, when you're middle-class is quiche.
11:55That's where you start.
11:56I started off with quiche.
11:57You know, I'm not just getting the ham and cheese quiche.
12:00You know, I'm experimenting.
12:01I'm getting spinach quiche, you know.
12:04And then I thought, rah, what's this bread that everyone keeps talking about?
12:07Sourdough.
12:08Sourdough.
12:09Oh, my God.
12:10Why didn't you guys tell black people about sourdough?
12:13This stuff, at first, it's disgusting, black people.
12:16At first, sourdough is disgusting.
12:18Because sourdough, I'm like, what in the ancient Roman bread is this?
12:22After one day, this bread is like, no, I'm so hard.
12:26I'm not moving.
12:27I'm not moving.
12:28It's the hardest bread you've ever felt in your life.
12:30You ever tried to cut some sourdough, my friend?
12:32You ever tried cutting sourdough?
12:33You're just there, zzzz, zzzz, zzzz, zzzz.
12:37Then I asked one of my friends, man.
12:39I said, Windthorpe, let me ask you something, bro.
12:45Why do you lot think I don't have friends that at Windthorpe?
12:47Why?
12:48You lot looked at me like, nah, that's Jerome, bro.
12:50They don't know no Windthorpe.
12:52I said, bro, let me ask you something.
12:55Sourdough bread, I don't get it.
12:57I don't get it, man.
12:58You know, and he said to me, he's like, no, no, no, no, no.
13:01What you've got to do, you've got to get the sourdough,
13:03cut a thin slice, and then you toast it.
13:06I thought, oh, OK.
13:08I thought, all right, cool, I get it now.
13:10I was like, I tried to make a sandwich, man.
13:11I was chewing this bread for days, man.
13:17He goes, no, you have to toast it.
13:19You've got to toast it.
13:20So I did.
13:21I started toasting it.
13:22And then I was like, OK, cool.
13:23Like, what do I put on it?
13:24Like, flora butter?
13:25He started laughing.
13:28Flora butter.
13:30Oh, my gosh.
13:31You're really showing where you grew up, don't you, man?
13:33You're really showing where you're from, aren't you?
13:35I said, what do you mean?
13:36What do I put on it?
13:37And then I discovered Lurpak.
13:39Oh, my God.
13:42That stuff is delicious, you know?
13:44Hey, do you know how good Lurpak is?
13:47Listen, if I could invest, I would sell my house
13:49and put all the stocks in Lurpak.
13:52This is the nicest butter ever invented.
13:54I can see some middle class people like,
13:56hold it down, Moe Killigan.
13:58This butter is delicious.
13:59It's so nice.
14:00Listen, it's expensive.
14:02Don't get me wrong.
14:03£9 for butter.
14:04Oh, my God.
14:05I was like, listen, I don't know if I can afford this.
14:08Look at some people right now.
14:09OK, calm down, Bill Gates.
14:10This is some expensive butter.
14:12But it's delicious, man.
14:14Oh, my God.
14:15I don't waste any drop, boy.
14:16I'd be like, you know, when you get the sides,
14:17I'd be like, listen, man, you might not feel the butter,
14:19but, you know, I'll put a little bit on my elbows.
14:25The best thing my money's ever done for me, you know,
14:28and I don't mean to say it in a way to show off,
14:30it's probably improved my health.
14:32You know, when I say my health, my mental health as well.
14:35You know, started going to therapy.
14:37Therapy's one of the best things ever.
14:38I try my best to promote therapy.
14:40You know, especially young men as well, man.
14:42Try your best to go to therapy.
14:43Do you know what I mean?
14:44You know?
14:45You can clap at that if you want.
14:46It's up to you.
14:47It will look.
14:48Oh, thank you very much.
14:52Nah, I try my best to go to therapy, man.
14:55Therapy's interesting, though,
14:56because the reason why I say it's interesting,
14:58I grew up in a community where we don't like sharing
15:02what's going on in our life.
15:04Do you know what I mean?
15:05Like the barbershop, the hair salon,
15:07that's where you kind of find out what's going on.
15:09You know, that's where the gossip really starts.
15:11You know, I could never have heart-to-hearts with my dad.
15:13My dad came over here in the 70s by himself,
15:16moved to Brixton, had to fight racism.
15:19You know, as a Rastafarian, you know,
15:21trying to tell my dad,
15:22Hey, Dad, listen, man.
15:23You know, I'm thinking of going to therapy,
15:24you know, opening up,
15:25trying to do better for my mental health.
15:27You know, my dad just looked at me and he just said,
15:29Why are you gay?
15:31I was like, what is wrong with you?
15:34You're so childish, man.
15:36You're so childish.
15:37How do you even know that joke?
15:39How do you know that?
15:41No, I went to therapy, my friend.
15:45I loved going to therapy, man.
15:47It was very hard at first, though, to open up.
15:49Very, very hard.
15:50You know, my therapist would say,
15:51Mo, you seem like you're holding back.
15:53I said, I'm not holding back, man.
15:55You know, she goes, open up.
15:56How do you feel?
15:57I said, I don't know.
15:58And she tried to, you know, she tapped into me.
16:00And this was quite weird, man.
16:01She was like, does your job make you feel like a superhero?
16:04And I said, oh, okay.
16:06Analogies.
16:07I love analogies.
16:08I said, it kind of does a little bit.
16:09She goes, go on, expand.
16:10I said, well, listen, man, doing this job,
16:12it can make you feel like Batman.
16:14It can make you put on the cape, go at night,
16:16be the crusader, make everyone laugh.
16:18You lift up the spirits.
16:19But, you know, daytime, I go back home.
16:21I'm Bruce Wayne.
16:22I take off the mask and I'm eating sourdough and lurpak.
16:27And she goes, how does that make you feel deep down?
16:29I said, I don't know, you know.
16:31Makes me feel a little bit down.
16:32She goes, it's okay.
16:33This is a safe space.
16:35Open up.
16:36Tell me how you feel.
16:37Now, the problem is when you go to therapy,
16:39one, you're paying for it.
16:40So you do have to be very, very open.
16:42And two, you're on the clock.
16:43Now, I didn't notice, right?
16:45So I start opening up and she goes, no, it's a safe space.
16:47It's okay.
16:48I said, listen, I do feel really, really depressed.
16:51I feel like sometimes I have a community on my back.
16:54And having a community on my back means that I have to be,
16:56you know, very, very, you know,
16:58sometimes black, black, black on TV,
17:00but then sometimes not too black enough.
17:01Do you know what I mean?
17:02So sometimes I'm in this weird juxtaposition place
17:04and that can sometimes make me feel depressed, you know?
17:07And she goes, see, that's where we are.
17:08But do you feel depressed?
17:10And I said, rah, I actually do feel depressed.
17:13And she looked at me and she goes, well, that's time.
17:17I said, rah, put the money on the fucking clock.
17:20Are you serious, bro?
17:24But listen, we have a fantastic show for you lovely people tonight.
17:28Is that all right, people?
17:32So, if I ever do, can I get the claps?
17:34Can we bring it up a little bit more?
17:36A little bit lighter?
17:37A little bit lighter?
17:38Please, welcome to the stage, Laura Smith!
18:00Thank you, thank you.
18:01And how are we all doing, Apollo?
18:05You all have a good day?
18:07I ain't.
18:09I've had a bit of bad news.
18:12It's worse than that.
18:15Listen, I've been doctors.
18:17I have my BMI checked.
18:20It turns out I'm too short.
18:27We're just processing that as a family.
18:32I keep finishing the kids' dinners.
18:33Do you do that?
18:34I say, I hate waste.
18:35I hate waste.
18:36I never finish their salad or broccoli.
18:39Just sort of eating chicken nuggets over the bin.
18:43I've got three children.
18:44I've got a 23-year-old, a 10-year-old and a 7-year-old.
18:48Yeah, different dads, fuck off.
18:51But the...
18:53Parenting's changed, though.
18:56It's all changed.
18:57It's all gentrified now.
18:58Parenting's been gentrified.
19:01They all do this gentle parenting.
19:02Have we heard of this gentle parenting?
19:05Right, I'll explain.
19:06For them that don't know, gentle parenting is where a middle-class woman
19:09is getting beaten up by her son called Oscar.
19:15And all she says to Oscar is,
19:17I know you've got big feelings.
19:21That's it.
19:22That's all she says.
19:23And my kids wouldn't dare,
19:24because you know who else has got big feelings?
19:26Mummy!
19:28Mummy's got big feelings,
19:29because she drank a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc last night
19:31and she can't control this eyeball,
19:32so get your bloody shoes on!
19:37East London's changed,
19:38but the gentrification,
19:39it gets to you.
19:40It gets you.
19:41It gets to your kids.
19:43I talk like this,
19:44my family talk like this,
19:45I won't lie to you,
19:46my eldest,
19:47she kind of...
19:48she kind of talks like this.
19:51She's a bit like,
19:52rah, where's my back here?
19:55I sort of want to break her jaw for her,
19:56if I'm honest.
19:57No.
20:00The thing is like,
20:01she kind of said,
20:02they all do,
20:03all these young people,
20:04the thing is,
20:05when they're little,
20:06you can delude yourself,
20:07you're doing quite a good job,
20:08you know?
20:09But they emerge into those late teens,
20:10early twenties,
20:11and you do look at them and think,
20:12uh-oh,
20:13I might have raised a prick here.
20:17She kind of says everything,
20:18like she just invented it,
20:20and she's just checking you're on board.
20:23You know?
20:24She says,
20:25I'm just going to go upstairs.
20:26Like,
20:28to bed?
20:29I'm like,
20:30yeah,
20:31stairs,
20:32bed,
20:33I pay for both of them,
20:34jog on,
20:35enjoy yourself.
20:36I'll tell you what she talks like,
20:37have you ever heard rich American women
20:39ordering a restaurant?
20:40They act like they're the first people,
20:42people are nodding,
20:43they act like they're the first people
20:44to ever think of doing that.
20:45They go to the waiter,
20:47I think,
20:48we're all going to have the burrata.
20:53Like, the waiter's going to go,
20:54you what?
20:55You know?
20:56What's going on with burrata,
20:57by the way?
20:58What's the essence burrata come from?
20:59I love it!
21:00Don't you love it?
21:01Probably mugging off mozzarella, innit?
21:03It's like,
21:04I'm here now, clear off!
21:05Mozzarella should have made up its mind.
21:07It's like,
21:08are you plastic grated cheese,
21:10or are you just in a little wet ball bag?
21:12What are you, mozzarella?
21:14Because burrata knows,
21:15and I love it!
21:17I'm here now,
21:18you rubbery little freak,
21:19you know what I mean?
21:21It's kind of done what Prosecco done to Carver
21:24about 20 years ago,
21:25do you remember that?
21:26I'm the £10 fizz now!
21:29Imagine bringing Carver
21:31to a dinner party nowadays.
21:34You'd get shot, wouldn't you?
21:37Yeah, that's how she talks.
21:39And I'll tell you what,
21:40my daughter,
21:41she knows her rights.
21:42Lads, feminism, we've won!
21:43We've won!
21:44Feminism's won!
21:45These young women,
21:46they need knocking down a peg or two,
21:47I'll tell you that much.
21:48She knows her rights!
21:50My God,
21:51does she know her rights!
21:52What I'm telling you,
21:53I found weed in her bedroom,
21:55long story short,
21:56I apologise to her!
21:58She's like,
22:00oh my God,
22:01you've actually breached a boundary!
22:03You've actually breached a boundary!
22:06and now I feel emotionally unsafe,
22:09in my own home,
22:10well done you,
22:11you're toxic!
22:13I said,
22:15well babes,
22:16I feel stoned!
22:18I'm sorry,
22:19we'll have to talk about it later!
22:21They're funny,
22:22aren't they?
22:23And I think the big uns spoil,
22:24I'll tell you what,
22:25the little uns are worse!
22:26The little uns are worse!
22:27I took my kids to Disneyland recently!
22:31Thanks,
22:32so patronising!
22:33Who's done Disneyland?
22:36Right,
22:37I'm telling you,
22:38I thought I was going to be cynical about Disney,
22:39took the kids,
22:40they wanted to go,
22:41but something happens when you get into Disneyland,
22:43I'll tell you what,
22:44you see that purple castle,
22:45you lose your mind!
22:46You go full Disney,
22:48didn't you?
22:49There's doughnuts shaped like Mickey Mouse,
22:50nine euros!
22:51I'm like,
22:52yes please,
22:53five of them,
22:54what do you want kids?
22:55You just go full Disney,
22:57and then,
22:58Mickey will appear on a balcony,
22:59and it's like they've announced the new Pope,
23:01you're like,
23:02Mickey!
23:03Mickey look at me!
23:04Mickey!
23:05Mickey look at me!
23:06Elbowing just the wish kids out the way,
23:08Mickey!
23:10He waved at me!
23:12You totally forget,
23:13it's just some French prick in a suit that hates ya!
23:19And I like to play a game at Disneyland,
23:21you can do this,
23:22you can have this game,
23:23it's a lot of fun,
23:24you can have to guess the nationality of people,
23:26because there are people there from all over the world,
23:27and it's quite fun guessing the nationality,
23:29like a whole family will rock up,
23:31you know,
23:32calf tattoos,
23:33no teeth on the tins,
23:34nan in a mobility scooter,
23:36you're like,
23:37oh thank God,
23:38some English!
23:39And then they'll be like,
23:41Spanish or something,
23:42you're like,
23:43hello,
23:44cultural appropriation march,
23:45we invented that look!
23:46You do,
23:47you just lose your mind at Disney,
23:49you just do too much,
23:50you go full Disney,
23:51too much merch,
23:52it's like Christmas,
23:53that's what it's like,
23:54you know,
23:55when you just eat too much,
23:56drink too much,
23:57spend too much,
23:58then January comes,
23:59and you think,
24:00what was all that about?
24:01That's what happens at Disneyland!
24:04And then you get back on the Eurostar,
24:06and it's like the scales fall away,
24:07you know,
24:08you're sort of free grand in a shtoop,
24:11looking over at your husband,
24:12still with her ears on,
24:13thinking,
24:14oh,
24:15that will never shag you again,
24:19you know?
24:20Right,
24:21we're all mates now,
24:23so I'll tell you,
24:24I've hit a menopause!
24:26So,
24:27I'll tell you what menopause is like,
24:29it's like being gaslit by your own body,
24:31that's what it's like.
24:32You know when you're due on,
24:34and you're mad dog,
24:36you know when you're mad dog,
24:37when you hate your partner,
24:38you hate yourself,
24:39you hate everyone at work,
24:40but you're paranoid,
24:41they hate you,
24:42and you feel weird,
24:43sick,
24:44anxious, guilty,
24:45and in the end,
24:46you phone your sister,
24:47and you instantly regret it,
24:48because now she's got something on you!
24:49And the next day,
24:50you get your periods,
24:51and you go,
24:52oh!
24:53Oh!
24:55And you've got to try and be cute
24:56if you're other half again,
24:57like,
24:58oh, shut up!
25:00Obviously,
25:01I weren't going to leave the kids,
25:02shut up!
25:04I know,
25:05but was I snarling and throwing things like,
25:07in a bant's way?
25:09But he can't answer,
25:11because he's still hiding behind a bin lid with oven gloves on.
25:14I'm telling you now,
25:15that's what the menopause is like all the time!
25:18All the time!
25:19And that's why it's like being gaslit by your own body,
25:22because you've got all this rage,
25:23you've got all this rage,
25:24and you don't know if the rage is hormones,
25:26or if your husband is in actual fact,
25:28a stupid bloody useless prick
25:30that never bloody listens!
25:32I don't know!
25:34I don't know!
25:37And then the hot flushes,
25:38you've got the hot flushes?
25:40Oi,
25:41these are insane,
25:42they're mad,
25:43they're mad!
25:44That's what it is,
25:45they feel like embarrassment,
25:46all of a sudden you're red,
25:47you're sweating,
25:48you're hot,
25:49you know,
25:50it feels like embarrassment.
25:51But I've got a theory, right?
25:52That it ain't hormones,
25:53it is embarrassment.
25:54Listen,
25:55it's delayed embarrassment.
25:57It's flashbacks from your twenties.
25:59about all the men you wasted time dating when you had a fully functioning fanny.
26:05And brilliant tits.
26:07You're like,
26:08oh my God,
26:09I paid for the cab,
26:10open a window.
26:12Oh my God,
26:13he moved his lips when he read,
26:14ugh!
26:16He slept under a duvet with no cover on it,
26:19ugh!
26:20He had white stuff gathering there.
26:23He pronounced it pacifically.
26:27And that's the way,
26:29it's coming back to haunt you,
26:30that's what's going on.
26:31But listen,
26:32there's another symptom,
26:33I don't know if you're there yet,
26:34but I'm there,
26:35and I want to tell you all about it,
26:36because it's coming for all you bitches,
26:38okay?
26:39And I did not know when it happened to me,
26:41I was so shocked when it happened to me,
26:43I didn't learn about it in school,
26:44I'd not read about it in books,
26:45Oprah hadn't mentioned it,
26:46not even Davina McCuller talks about it,
26:48she talks about bloody everything,
26:50doesn't she?
26:51Have a day off Davina,
26:52anyway,
26:53I digress.
26:54It's coming for all you bitches,
26:56right?
26:57And here it is,
26:58vaginal dryness.
27:00Listen,
27:01I can't run for a bus,
27:02I'd start a fire.
27:03No, listen,
27:05it's hazardous down there,
27:06hazardous.
27:07They won't let me in California,
27:09it is hazardous down there,
27:10right?
27:11And it's not as if,
27:12before it happens,
27:13you're walking about all cocky,
27:14like, yeah,
27:15I'm sopping wet,
27:16but when it goes,
27:17it's like...
27:18I thought my dog had eaten something spicy,
27:22I was chasing it round the kitchen.
27:23And again,
27:27listen,
27:28that is meant to be hormonal,
27:30but recently,
27:31my husband has started wearing Crocs,
27:33so...
27:34That could be shutting up shop down there,
27:37couldn't it?
27:38That could be snapping shit shut.
27:39He swore blind,
27:40he just got him to do the gardening,
27:42but I've seen him do the school running them,
27:44and I'm a bit of a face now,
27:45so I'm like,
27:46you get back here,
27:47huff, huff, huff, huff.
27:49I put a strepsel up there in the end.
27:51Erm...
27:55It affects everything,
27:56it affects everything.
27:57Yeah, me and my husband have been together 13 years!
27:59CHEERING
28:01We went away for our anniversary,
28:03we had a spa break.
28:04CHEERING
28:06Listen,
28:07you can woo,
28:08but I'm telling you now,
28:09once you're over 40,
28:10a car break ain't that sexy, you know?
28:12You're both naked in the hot tub,
28:13and he's scrotum,
28:14keeps floating to the top.
28:15LAUGHTER
28:16I shit myself,
28:17I thought someone else was in there.
28:19LAUGHTER
28:20I'm trying to lean in for a kiss,
28:21get all cute,
28:22I'm trying...
28:23Whoa!
28:24I'm like...
28:27Turned into soggy whack-a-mole,
28:29it was ridiculous.
28:30LAUGHTER
28:31And I'm not...
28:32Wait, listen,
28:33I'm not here to insult my husband's body,
28:35he is a good man.
28:36I'm not...
28:37Look, time and gravity
28:38and carbohydrates
28:39and saturated fats,
28:40they affect us all,
28:41is what I'm telling you, Apollo.
28:43And look,
28:44I'm aware of my own body limitations.
28:45I'm aware of my own body limitations.
28:47You know,
28:48I'm...
28:49What I'm telling you...
28:50I do not expect oral sex from my husband.
28:53I don't,
28:54he's a good man.
28:55LAUGHTER
28:56He's a good...
28:57You know,
28:58after three kids,
28:59it's more like a bush tucker trial.
29:00Honestly,
29:01I couldn't bear to see his face afterwards
29:03all moist and haunted, you know?
29:05A man get a look in his eye,
29:07I might never leave him.
29:09And look,
29:10he's willing to go down there,
29:11of course he is,
29:12he's a feminist,
29:13but I...
29:14But I don't relax, you know?
29:16When he goes down there,
29:17I go...
29:18I look at him the same way
29:19I'd look at a plumber
29:20come to fix an old washing machine,
29:21you know?
29:22I know it's not going to be good news.
29:25LAUGHTER
29:26He goes down there,
29:27best will in the world,
29:28hammering away,
29:30phoning his mate,
29:31see if he's ever seen anything like it.
29:33LAUGHTER
29:35Yeah, you all right, Tone?
29:36Yeah, it's a bigger job than I thought.
29:38LAUGHTER
29:39And then I get more awkward,
29:40I'm like that.
29:42You all right, Dan, now?
29:45LAUGHTER
29:46Do you want a cup of tea?
29:48LAUGHTER
29:49Oh, sorry, you're on the phone.
29:50You know, it just gets weird.
29:52LAUGHTER
29:54APPLAUSE
29:56But listen,
29:57I've been Laura Smith.
29:59You've been absolutely amazing.
30:01Enjoy your night.
30:03Thank you very much.
30:04God bless.
30:11Show your love and your energy
30:12to Laura Smith, everyone!
30:14Yeah, man!
30:16All right, so I'm going to introduce you
30:18to your next comic.
30:19Please, let's get the clap starting from up here.
30:22Let's get a little bit louder
30:24and make some noise for Josh, please!
30:28APPLAUSE
30:29Hello, Apollo, good evening!
30:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:43Thank you so much for having me.
30:44Feeling good?
30:45Yeah!
30:46I'm feeling good.
30:47I'm trying to be a good person this year.
30:492025 is the year that I start calling my toxic male friends out
30:54for their poor behaviour.
30:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:58Do you think that's a good thing to do?
31:00Absolutely.
31:01Do you guys know what love bombing is?
31:02If you don't know love bombing,
31:03it's when somebody bombards their partner with affection
31:06and it creates, like, a weird power dynamic.
31:08Well, I sadly caught a good friend of mine doing this
31:10a couple of weeks ago.
31:11We were all out together
31:12and he starts making all these promises
31:13in front of everybody to his partner.
31:14He says he's got to take care of her and look after her.
31:16I thought, that's strange.
31:17And then later in the day,
31:18this guy gets up, he does a speech
31:20about how much he means to him,
31:22I was never going to leave her.
31:24And it was hard for me to do,
31:25but I actually took him to one side.
31:26I was like, listen, mate,
31:27what you're doing here,
31:28it's not cool,
31:29it's actually very toxic,
31:30it's a form of abuse,
31:31it's called love bombing.
31:32And that was hard for me to do.
31:33He got really defensive,
31:34started saying it was his wedding day and all this.
31:36LAUGHTER
31:42I had to call it out.
31:43I've seen it and I had to call it out.
31:44I'm at a lot of weddings at the minute,
31:46to be honest with you.
31:47I think it's my age,
31:48I'm in my thirties,
31:49and it's like every other weekend.
31:50It's a wedding,
31:51and you've got to get the gifts for the weddings.
31:52And usually,
31:53my wife,
31:54she's very organised,
31:55she gets the gifts for the couples.
31:56And she usually gets the gifts,
31:57right,
31:58from a website,
31:59called notonthehighstreet.com.
32:02Are we familiar with this website?
32:04If you don't know it,
32:05it's things like,
32:06not on the high street.
32:07They've nailed it, really.
32:08Now,
32:09the reason you won't find those items
32:11on the high street,
32:12is because no high street retailer,
32:15in their right mind,
32:17would stock any of it.
32:19It's all complete dog shit.
32:21Answer me this.
32:22Why would anybody need,
32:23a personalised chopping board?
32:26Now,
32:28as an item,
32:29chopping boards,
32:30they don't really leave the house.
32:32They're not getting mixed up with other chopping boards.
32:38I've never woke up to a phone call from a friend one morning.
32:41You're right mate,
32:42bit of an awkward one.
32:43Yeah,
32:44I'm asking him now.
32:45He didn't pick up our chopping board last night.
32:50I love to shop though.
32:51I'm a big shopper myself.
32:52I love the gadgets.
32:53I always get the gadget.
32:54You know every year,
32:55they bring out a new gadget.
32:56I said,
32:57I'm going to get that gadget,
32:58and that gadget will make me happy.
32:59I buy the gadget,
33:00three weeks later,
33:01it's in a cupboard,
33:02and I'm still miserable.
33:03I've had them all over the years.
33:04You name it.
33:05I've had the George Foreman grill,
33:06I've had the Spiraliser,
33:08I've had the Nutribullet,
33:09I've had the Nespresso coffee machine,
33:11I've had the inflatable hot tub,
33:13I've had the Fleshlight,
33:14I've had them all.
33:15You name it.
33:18And what's the latest gadget
33:19that people say you should get?
33:21What's the latest gadget
33:22people say you should get?
33:23Airfryer.
33:24The airfryer.
33:25People love telling you
33:27to get the airfryer,
33:29don't they?
33:30People will not miss an opportunity
33:32to recommend an airfryer to somebody.
33:35Any situation,
33:36you can be like,
33:37you know what mate,
33:38I'm actually really depressed
33:39at the minute.
33:40I'm having a really,
33:41really tough time.
33:42I've actually made a decision
33:43that when I get home from work
33:44this evening,
33:45I'm going to go into the kitchen,
33:46I'm going to put my head in the oven,
33:48and I'm just going to end everything.
33:49They have someone pipe up on,
33:50mate,
33:51you should do that in the airfryer.
33:52You'll be dead in a quarter of the time
33:55if you do it in the airfryer,
33:56so...
33:57It's actually a much healthier way to diet,
34:00the airfryer,
34:01it really is.
34:02Favourite gadget of all time,
34:04if I had to choose one,
34:05would probably be
34:06the George Foreman grill.
34:08Great piece of machinery,
34:09I'm sure you'll agree with that.
34:10And we sadly lost
34:11big George Foreman.
34:12Heartbroken,
34:13love George Foreman.
34:14And I was watching a news break
34:15of George Foreman's death
34:16with my little brother,
34:17he's much younger than me,
34:18and my little brother,
34:19he didn't realise
34:20that before the grill,
34:22that George Foreman
34:23was formerly the heavyweight
34:24boxing champion of the world.
34:26He didn't know that.
34:28And it absolutely blew his mind.
34:31Well it would do,
34:32wouldn't it?
34:33That's how I could find out this evening
34:34that Russell Hobbs
34:35was the lead singer of Led Zeppelin.
34:41I'm from a small town in the Midlands,
34:43I love it there,
34:44I've never left,
34:45I never would leave,
34:46and a lot of my friends are from there,
34:47and I went to school with them,
34:48and they do real jobs,
34:50proper hard-working jobs,
34:51like they do plastering,
34:52or tarmacking,
34:53or work in factories,
34:54but I've got new friends as well now,
34:56because I do this,
34:57I've got kind of arty,
34:58middle-class city friends,
34:59and they're great as well.
35:00I love hanging around with them.
35:01They say things like,
35:02erm,
35:03I know a great ramen place.
35:05I love you guys,
35:07I don't know what you're talking about,
35:08but they're great,
35:09I'm loving hanging around with them.
35:10You know what I've found
35:11about this new,
35:12arty, middle-class group of friends
35:13I'm hanging around with?
35:14They're actually nice to each other.
35:17It's a complete alien concept to me,
35:19right?
35:20I went out the other day in London with them,
35:21one of the guys,
35:22a man,
35:23came out with a tote bag over his shoulder.
35:26Nobody said anything to him,
35:27everybody just accepted it.
35:32No-one shattered it,
35:33chucked it on the roof,
35:34it was beautiful,
35:35beautiful people.
35:38Because I think as a man,
35:39we're not as good at making friends,
35:40blokes,
35:41we're not as good at getting to know each other,
35:42because we're a bit weird,
35:43we want to get to know each other,
35:44blokes,
35:45we want to find out about each other,
35:46but none of us want to appear vulnerable,
35:47so what I notice blokes will do,
35:48right?
35:49We'll ask questions to get to know each other,
35:50but we'll frame those questions in like a needlessly macho way.
35:53I was on a stag do with a guy last year,
35:55I didn't really know,
35:56hop up at the conversation,
35:57he goes,
35:58Josh,
35:59here's a question for you.
36:00If you were on death row,
36:02what would your meal be?
36:04I was like,
36:05can't you just ask me what food I like?
36:12What have I got to be on death row for this?
36:14I've got a needlessly morbid detail.
36:17OK, I've got a question for you then actually.
36:19If you had to give your kids up for adoption,
36:21what album would you listen to on their way to the orphanage?
36:29Just trying to get to know each other, you know,
36:31but I'm very lucky.
36:34I've got a couple of kids as well.
36:35I've got two young boys.
36:36I've got a three-year-old and a seven-month-old.
36:39They're great.
36:40Is there parents in the room?
36:41Yeah, it's great.
36:42Now, I don't know if this is a universal experience,
36:44but what I'm finding with my children is, right,
36:46they don't like the feeling of like being asleep.
36:51Have you noticed this?
36:53I'm finding they're much preferred to be awake.
36:55That's what I'm finding.
36:56My eldest, he's never slept, right?
36:58Every night I put him down about half seven,
37:00by 10 o'clock he's awake,
37:01then he comes into my bed,
37:03then I go into his bed,
37:04and every night I'm surrounded by cuddly toys
37:06looking at fluorescent stars on the ceiling.
37:08I just think, I've got this wrong.
37:10This has gone wrong here.
37:12I'm paying the mortgage,
37:13I'm trying to sleep in a four-foot Lightning McQueen bed.
37:18He's in my bed,
37:19listening to me on the baby monitor.
37:21That's the wrong way down, surely.
37:23Completely the wrong way down.
37:27I'll get downstairs in the morning,
37:28he's got a coffee and a paper.
37:29What time do you call this?
37:34It's hard parenting.
37:35It's hard, it's challenging, it's tiring,
37:37but there's another side of parenting
37:38that people don't talk about as much.
37:40It's also as well, of course, very, very boring.
37:44It's boring as well.
37:46People do not prepare me for how boring having children is, right?
37:49My eldest, he's three years old.
37:51I'm not being arrogant here at Hammersmith,
37:53but I'm much more advanced than he is.
37:56I'm much further along in my development,
37:58and yet we spend all day doing everything that he wants to do, right?
38:01Sometimes my wife gets back, she's like,
38:03have you had a good day today?
38:04I'm like, no.
38:06I've been massively under-stimulated, to be honest with you.
38:11We did a jigsaw earlier today that had four pieces in it.
38:13That's just not enough for me.
38:15And he's struggling with it.
38:18He's going, Daddy, we need to find the corners.
38:20Like, mate, it's all corners, there's four pieces.
38:24The whole thing is corners.
38:29Trying to do a good job parenting.
38:30I think the key is to not stress about it.
38:32Do your best, don't stress.
38:33If I had to describe my parenting style in one word,
38:35I'd probably say, efficient, is what I'm saying.
38:38I'm parenting smart rather than hard.
38:40My eldest has got to start school soon,
38:42and my wife's like, what school do you think we're going to send him to?
38:45I'm like, well, you know,
38:46the nearest one to our house, I would have thought.
38:49She's like, no, no, we should meet a few other schools,
38:51find out where their core values are.
38:54I was like, I tell you what my core value is, convenience.
38:59That is deeply at my core, to be honest with you.
39:01There was a school at the end of my road.
39:03I cannot stress to you guys how bad that school would need to be...
39:09..for my kid to not be going to it.
39:12That could be a jihadi training centre...
39:16..with a paedophile headmaster.
39:20If he can walk himself there...
39:23..sign him up, he'd be absolutely fine.
39:27I've got my in-laws as well, very fortunate to have my in-laws.
39:29He's got a wonderful father-in-law.
39:31He can do anything around the house.
39:33He can do anything.
39:34He can do electrics, woodwork, whatever.
39:36And I cannot recommend that enough,
39:37to have somebody in your life that can do...
39:39I actually think now that's the number one thing that I look for
39:41in a sexual partner now.
39:44Is for them to have a dad lit as good at DIY.
39:47Honestly, if you go on a date,
39:48that should be your first question always.
39:50What does your dad do for a living?
39:52He's a plumber, I would love to see you again.
39:54I would love to see you again.
39:56Honestly, if I was ever single again,
39:57I wouldn't do Hinge, I wouldn't do Tinder.
40:00I'd get on Trusted Trader, right?
40:06And I'd work backwards from there, that's how I'd do it.
40:12It's great.
40:13I hope I've done the right thing, having kids as well,
40:15because it's a scary world out there.
40:16People are angry out there.
40:17People are very angry at lots of things.
40:19People are angry at the water companies at the minute.
40:21People are very angry at the water companies,
40:22and absolutely, listen, I'm angry at the water companies as well.
40:25I'll tell you who does deserve respect, though.
40:27The sparkling water companies.
40:30What an incredible industry the sparkling water industry is.
40:34An industry built entirely on a product
40:36that 90% of people only ever buy by mistake.
40:44Did you know that in the UK last year
40:45only one in ten bottles of sparkling water were bought intentionally?
40:48You know that?
40:49Only one person wanted it.
40:50It was a nine-gantle shop like,
40:51Tsss, oh, for fuck's sake!
40:56Down at the sparkling water factories,
40:57those guys can't believe it.
40:58They're like, keep making it!
40:59Keep making it!
41:00Get the word sparkling as small as you can on the bottles.
41:02Keep doing it!
41:03Keep doing it!
41:06One minute, by the way,
41:07how are hot water bottles still a thing?
41:09How are hot water bottles still a thing?
41:12How have they slipped through the health and safety net?
41:16Imagine trying to get the hot water bottle off the ground
41:18now as an invention in 2025.
41:20What is it then?
41:21Oh, basically what it is, mate,
41:22it's a sack of boiling water
41:25that you take to bed with you.
41:28Wow, that sounds lethal.
41:29Can I just ask, how are you filling that up?
41:31Oh, just directly from the kettle through a hole that big.
41:33Sort of a two-pence piece, just kind of...
41:39Also, it's completely opaque,
41:40so you can't see how much you put in,
41:41you've got to just squeeze it out for the best.
41:42OK, wow.
41:46Who are you thinking of selling that to?
41:47We're thinking old people and pregnant women, OK?
41:55We've got one hope, I think, for the future,
41:58and that's teachers.
41:59I love teachers, got so much respect for teachers.
42:01Yeah, absolutely.
42:02They get treated so badly in this country,
42:04and they go on strike and they get treated badly,
42:06and absolutely solidarity with those guys.
42:08They get treated awfully.
42:09But whenever I see a teacher getting treated badly,
42:11I always think, what did you expect?
42:14Do you know what I mean?
42:15We all know that teachers get treated badly.
42:17That is the one job that we all got to see close up
42:20when we were kids.
42:22We could see them getting treated badly then,
42:24we were treating them badly ourselves then.
42:26And yet people are still joining the teaching profession.
42:29What are you thinking?
42:30Do you know what I blame for this?
42:32Those get-into-teaching adverts.
42:34They're too good.
42:35The new you get me every time I'm at home watching TV,
42:37one comes on, it's always the same.
42:39Young guy, early thirties,
42:40incredible bone structure,
42:42lovely M&S cardigan.
42:44He's in the playground high-fiving the kids,
42:46like, yeah, go on, buddy.
42:54Get into teaching.
42:55I'm like, I fucking might get into teaching, actually.
42:58That looks quality.
42:59I could shape a young life.
43:00That's not the reality.
43:01They should show the reality.
43:02That same guy in his lunch hour chain-smoking in a Nissan Micra.
43:05Crying his eyes out, he's found TikToks a kid's been making,
43:10saying that he fucked dogs.
43:11That's the reality.
43:13Listen, I'll be Josh Pugh.
43:14Thank you so much, Apollo.
43:15See you soon, check out.
43:18Show some love one more time to Josh Pugh.
43:25Please give up for everybody that you've seen tonight.
43:27You've seen Laura Smith.
43:28Can you make some noise for Laura Smith?
43:32You've seen Josh Pugh.
43:33Make some noise for Josh Pugh.
43:36And my name has been Mo Gilligan.
43:38Thank you, take care, and good night.
43:40See you later.
43:41Peace.
43:47Peace.
43:48Peace.
Be the first to comment