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00:00In a moment I'll be locking two teams of comedians inside this box and forcing
00:04them to compete in games for a full day and a night. Now that might sound like a
00:08long time but trust me this is the best way to stop them filming travelogues
00:12with their parents. I'm Jimmy Carr, welcome to Battle in the Box.
00:20This is the box, 16 meters long, 3 meters wide. Remember social distancing? Well
00:27this is pretty much the opposite of that. Two teams will spend a day and a night
00:30cut off from the outside world. I snore really loud. Whilst competing in a series of
00:40games designed to test them to their very limits. You're a disgrace, absolute
00:48disgrace. Win and they can fill their side of the box with an array of luxury items.
00:53Here comes some stuff. I'm having pancakes.
00:56A xylophone.
00:57And a train set, choo choo.
01:01And more importantly they get to move the dividing wall deeper into their opponent's side.
01:06You might want to step back a couple of times now. The way you two are pushing it makes you
01:10look like you're actually enjoying it.
01:12In the final challenge one team will find the keys and escape with whatever they can carry
01:16whilst the losers will be locked in the box forever. Well not forever, just until the air
01:22runs out.
01:23Right, let's get on with the game.
01:29Throughout their stay I'll be keeping an eye on our guests. From here my personal
01:34lair. I wanted just to make a peephole but apparently there's all kind of regulations
01:38about that kind of thing now. Let's meet the teams. First to enter the box it's the
01:42orange team. Katherine Ryan and Tom Rosenthal.
01:44I think we're a good team. You know one of us is trash and I feel comforted by small places
01:50and one of us seems very privileged. Look at who's more relaxed.
01:54What do you mean?
01:57Smells just like a box.
02:01What a horrible dystopian vision into our future.
02:06I would say that I'm quite sort of deeply competitive.
02:09I could be friendly to the other team. I think lull them in with a false sense of security.
02:13Yeah, you be friendly and I'll be horrible.
02:15Tom will crush them.
02:16Yeah. I'm going to live inside their heads and make them regret the day they were born.
02:20We have like full spec.
02:23Oh, maybe there's going to be wine.
02:26Next to enter the box it's the blue team made up of comedians and best friends.
02:30Fatia El Ghori and Josh Jones.
02:33Is that where we're going?
02:36When I found out I was doing it with me I was like that's the right person for me to do it with.
02:40Aww.
02:41So.
02:42I think I can turn him guys. I think I can turn him.
02:45What's straight off?
02:48Both. Both.
02:51My mum will be so happy.
02:56Hold on, hold on. Where's the furniture?
02:59There is not furniture. You have to win the furniture.
03:03Oh, my God.
03:10Hello?
03:11Well, I imagine you're ready to find out who you're up against.
03:13Take a look at the screen and remember this is show business
03:16so be ready to pretend you know and like them.
03:20Ah, hello.
03:23You two are little besties, aren't you?
03:25Hello.
03:26Hello.
03:27Hi.
03:28What's that white thing on top of one of the boxes near your sink?
03:33That's a breast pump, but we'll get into that later.
03:35Yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:36I was wondering why we didn't have any of that.
03:38I just got jealous that I saw a thing that I didn't have.
03:41Yeah, yeah.
03:42You're about to see a few more things you don't have, Josh.
03:45Oh, jeez.
03:46It's a breast pump pen.
03:48In my luxury box I've had to bring a breast pump.
03:50Yeah.
03:51The feminists will be outraged.
03:53Don't worry, feminists.
03:54I've also allowed Tom to bring his penis pump.
03:59Well, this is your home for the next day and night.
04:02Take a moment to get to know your surroundings.
04:04And please, don't moan about the facilities.
04:06This box has got a solid two on TripAdvisor.
04:09Should we go through our boxes?
04:14Yeah.
04:15I've allowed the comedians to fill up a small box with items
04:18they deem to be luxury.
04:20And now I'm afraid they can't include a key to escape.
04:25Oh, I've got a fan.
04:27Aren't they good at that pass?
04:29Go on.
04:31You know, I'd just not do the same thing.
04:33No, but I did it a bit gay.
04:35I broke it.
04:36I broke it.
04:37I've got some sort of bunting with my dog's face on it.
04:39Oh, we should put that up.
04:42This is Kiki.
04:43Kiki.
04:44She's a Romanian rescue.
04:45We're not entirely sure because, you know,
04:47she's just roaming the streets of Romania.
04:49Oh my God.
04:50She is a bad bitch.
04:51So I've got some cheese.
04:54Okay.
04:55An onion.
04:57For what?
04:58I have a bit of onion and cheese toasty.
05:01Oh, look, that's perfect.
05:02Yes.
05:05Okay.
05:07Orange team, blue team, stand by for your first game.
05:11They say a man's home is his castle.
05:13In my case, literally, I am incredibly wealthy.
05:17This game is all about building a castle.
05:19The tallest one wins.
05:21Now stand back and get ready to play Castle Mania.
05:25Both teams have two minutes to build their castle using the bricks provided.
05:29The wall must be built around and on top of the portcullis.
05:33The fuck is the portcullis?
05:34Use only...
05:35That's like a gate thing, right?
05:37That's right.
05:38Their castle must be in contact with the gate thing.
05:41What is this, not a sugar brick?
05:44Teams, you have two minutes from when the klaxon sounds.
05:46Three, two, one, begin.
05:52So we need to make it strong but tall.
05:54That's right.
05:55So very much the Jimmy Carr of castles.
05:58You stick to this side, I'm going to do this side, alright?
06:00Ow.
06:02This is what we want to do.
06:03Don't you think?
06:04Yeah, absolutely.
06:05Or is that wrong?
06:08They said tall.
06:09I did, Josh.
06:10And do you know what else I said?
06:14Strongest.
06:15That's good sounds.
06:16We like those sounds.
06:23It's in my eyeball.
06:25I can't see anything.
06:28What the fuck are you doing?
06:29Is this not taller?
06:32Just give me one, I'll be able to put one above it.
06:35If it drops, I'm going to bite you in my fucking leg.
06:40The klaxon sounded, so...
06:42Time's up and the orange team have built a castle
06:44whilst the blue team have given their tribute to 9-11.
06:48Never forget.
06:49Look at my hijab.
06:50I look like a tramp.
06:53We literally did it when the klaxon sounded.
06:56Stand by, we're about to reveal the castles.
07:00Oh, Brock, we've won.
07:02Guys, I don't know if that's around.
07:03That's not technically around, surely.
07:05But it says the tallest.
07:08Well, congratulations, blue team.
07:09Your castle is the tallest.
07:10But you haven't won just yet.
07:11What?
07:12I'm going to give you a chance to lay siege to each other's castle.
07:15Whoever remains the tallest after all shots have been fired will be the winner.
07:20Now, stand back whilst my minions install the catapults.
07:24Ah.
07:25Oh, well, ours is going to get knocked over well easy.
07:28Each player has one attempt to knock down their opponent's castle
07:31by firing a projectile through the hatch in the wall.
07:34This show is great.
07:39Orange team, you're up first.
07:40Should we go to the kitchen in case they hit us?
07:42Good luck, Katherine.
07:43Thank you, Tom.
07:44Fire, fire well.
07:45Three, two, one, begin.
07:48Woo!
07:49Ya Allah, what is this?
07:51Look at this.
07:56Yeah!
07:58Woo!
07:59That's exactly the pinpoint accuracy I'd expect from a ruthless pro like Katherine Ryan.
08:04Oh, no.
08:06That's incredible.
08:07Sorry, I'm a fist bump.
08:08I'm a fist bump for future.
08:09I understand.
08:11How can you do it like this?
08:16Woo!
08:18And that's exactly the pinpoint accuracy I didn't expect from a hapless fop like Tom Rosenthal.
08:24They don't really seem to have anything left.
08:27So the blue team's castle, if you can call that castle, now just has three blocks on top of their port colours.
08:36Let's see what Josh has got.
08:38To have any hope of winning, it's going to have to be an inc...
08:43Oh.
08:45Right.
08:50Good luck.
08:52I don't need it because I've got prayer.
08:54Okay, cool.
08:55You don't really have much of a castle though.
08:58Here we go.
08:59It's all down to Fatia now.
09:01I just don't see how we can move.
09:02Don't say shit like that.
09:05Can she reduce the orange team's castle to less than three blocks with a single shot?
09:14Wow. Katherine looks shocked.
09:16Or at least she would, if she could move her face.
09:26Well...
09:28Sorry Tom, what was you saying?
09:31Don't worry about it, Jimmy's on our side.
09:34Sorry Tom, only side with winners.
09:35Blue team wins!
09:36Oh!
09:37That's not us.
09:38That's us!
09:39Tom, are you alright?
09:41Don't let Jimmy break you.
09:42I'm an angry man now.
09:44As the losers of that game, orange team are about to surrender some space to Fatia and Josh, which Tom seems absolutely fine about.
10:00They're riling me up, Katherine, they're riling me up, they're doing it deliberately.
10:04Well Tom, don't worry.
10:06The next game is going to be fresh.
10:08Can I have some of your breast milk?
10:10Sure.
10:12Blue team, spin the wheel and see how far this wall is moving.
10:17Depending on where the wheel lands, the wall will move between two and five spaces, leaving Tom and Katherine with less room for their pumping and bunting.
10:25That sounds filthy.
10:29To find out how much worse things get for them...
10:32It's not fair if it's high, it's going to be very high.
10:36Join us after the break.
10:42Welcome back to Battle of the Box.
10:46The light entertainment version of a Chilean mining disaster.
10:50After a frankly spectacular win in the first game, Fatia and Josh are about to discover how far the wall will move into orange teams' half of the box.
11:01It better be low.
11:03Five, five, eight, ten.
11:07That's ridiculous.
11:09That's ridiculous.
11:11I'm just repositioning my little area.
11:19Is that five feet?
11:21Five meters, maybe.
11:23No, Fatia. Five spaces.
11:25Oh, here we go.
11:27Nice, lighting change.
11:33Push that wall.
11:35Whoa!
11:36Fucking hell.
11:37Jesus!
11:38Oh, I feel really bad now.
11:46Tom!
11:48It's going further than a fart it was.
11:50I told you it would be five meters!
11:54This is...
11:55Oh, dear, Cathy.
11:56Oh, my God, and the dogs! Kiki!
12:08So they have Kiki now?
12:10Yeah.
12:11We've got half the dogs.
12:12Blue team also get to furnish their box with items from my shop. To find out how much box coin they get to spend, they must simply pick a box.
12:25Erm, pay!
12:27What is it, what is it, what is it, what is it, what is it?
12:33It's a thousand, but they could have won fifteen hundred, or even three thousand.
12:38Oh, we've got the least.
12:40At least they got the least.
12:42Grab your tablets and order your items.
12:44I would remind you, unspent box coin will be forfeited.
12:48Which, no great loss, I mean, we made them up.
12:51We have to spend it all.
12:53We have to spend it all?
12:54Yeah, he said it will be forfeited if you don't spend it.
12:57I wonder what fun items you can actually get in this hellhole.
13:00Good question, Tom, and thank you for the review.
13:02There are hundreds of things available, including essentials like meal kits for 250.
13:08The cookie jar with cookies.
13:10Sofas for 500.
13:12Can I get the armchair?
13:14As well as meaningless luxuries.
13:16I want a flamingo, but not now. I want a gnome.
13:19That serve no purpose other than to stick it to the losers on the other side.
13:24That's you, Tom, loser.
13:26I've processed it. I'm ready.
13:28I've managed to get over the terrific course of events.
13:32That's what I'm going to say when I'm no longer pissed off at home.
13:35I've processed it.
13:37How long do you think we've been in it? I hate not knowing what time it is.
13:40I feel like we've been in here maybe an hour and a half or something like that.
13:44Is that it? I was going to say like five hours.
13:47Nah, bruv.
13:48I would have paid 200 of the dollars to know what time it is.
13:54It's actually been three and a half hours since they first entered the box.
13:57And as Tom practises what I can only assume is his sex position he learnt at private school, Josh is getting box proud.
14:04You'd make a good husband, you know?
14:07Yeah, like a house husband.
14:09If my boyfriend made more money and I could quit comedy, I'd have to go all the way to Hull to tell dick jokes.
14:17Just stay at home and make a pie.
14:18So what are you not good at at home? Like if you had to split the chores, you and your boyfriend, what would you think you hate doing?
14:25Well I wouldn't do anything, I wouldn't like change a light bulb or do anything like that.
14:29Oh is it?
14:30We don't live together but I told you because he's dead manly, right, because a cupboard in me kitchen broke.
14:36And he came round with a toolbox and a bouquet of flowers.
14:39I've honestly never sucked a dick so hard in my home's high life.
14:42It was actually super easy to fix. The blue team's purchases have arrived, including an armchair, which makes sense, a Christmas tree, which really doesn't, and a barrel of biscuits.
14:55Plus I've even unlocked the handy hatch.
14:57Do you want a cookie?
15:02Mmm.
15:04Oh Josh.
15:06This is like the Wizard of Oz.
15:08I'm sorry if I didn't know you was proper napping.
15:11Thanks for sharing Josh.
15:12No worries.
15:14Um, you know how I said that I processed it?
15:17Mhm.
15:18I don't think I have processed it.
15:21Josh and Fatia also spent a hundred box coin on a mystery item.
15:25Here's the bed.
15:28Guys, I'm so sorry.
15:30Look at it.
15:32I got a bed.
15:34Good luck fitting that through the hatch, Tom.
15:36We've got to get back in the competitive spirit. We need to win some stuff.
15:40Do you want me to give you some socks or something to cover your eyes?
15:44No, I'm not going to sleep because I won't sleep tonight.
15:48Is it comfy?
15:49It's all right, yeah.
15:51It's game time. Stand by for this important message.
15:57Jimmy!
15:59It's time for the World Series of Everything.
16:03Do the thing before your opponents, and when the clacks and sounds, whoever's got the most wins, wins.
16:08Let's go.
16:09We can't lose this, Catherine.
16:11Do the thing before your opponent.
16:12Do the thing before your opponent.
16:13Oh, look, here's the Jimian.
16:15What are we doing?
16:16In this game, our teams will take part in a series of head-to-head challenges.
16:20First team to five victories takes the overall win.
16:23And refereeing on the floor for me, my recently rebranded Jimians.
16:27Copyright pending.
16:29Do what thing?
16:30Oh, what?
16:32It's not done enough.
16:36We won that.
16:37You did, Catherine.
16:38One-nil to orange.
16:41Inflated balloons the size we had.
16:43Where's the balloons?
16:44Check the bathroom.
16:45Where are the balloons?
16:46The balloons?
16:47They're in the bathroom.
16:49What balloons?
16:50The balloons in your bathroom, Josh.
16:52But who needs balloons when you've got the power of mind?
16:55We don't have...
16:56We literally don't have balloons.
16:58Maybe try the bathroom?
17:02Catherine there trying to inflate a bin bag.
17:04Well, either that or she's having a panic attack.
17:08Oh, here it is!
17:10Finally!
17:11Now blow, Josh.
17:12Blow like that balloon has just walked in with a toolbox and flowers.
17:18Oh, right, I thought we went out for a go in there.
17:20It's a bathroom, Tom.
17:21Why are you not allowed in bathrooms?
17:22Excuse me.
17:25Blue team have got a head start, but they still need to tie them off.
17:33Tie the knot, tie the knot.
17:37Tie it, yeah, tie it.
17:42Oh my god, my finger's stuck.
17:45No, I can't do it.
17:46Don't do it.
17:50They got the first one, though.
17:56Do a laugh at the box.
17:57I don't know what, we can win that.
18:01Our box is way bigger!
18:07Orange team, take the lead.
18:08Oh, you are joking!
18:09No, no, my mic sucks!
18:10Get in it, jammer!
18:11Ah, no!
18:13He took my wrist.
18:14He's grabbed!
18:16Oh, thank you!
18:17Multiply your ages.
18:18How old are you?
18:1940!
18:2080!
18:21100!
18:22Multiply my ages!
18:23How old are you?
18:2435!
18:25Yeah, so...
18:27Apologies to anyone watching with a GCSE in maths.
18:29Oh, thank you.
18:36Multiply your ages.
18:37How old are you?
18:3840, 80, 100, multiply my ages.
18:41How old are you?
18:4235, yeah.
18:44So...
18:45Apologies to anyone watching with a GCSE in maths.
18:48It's 42, 84.
18:50And what's yours?
18:52Oh, do I have to time the job?
18:54Yeah, so...
18:5670, 10.
18:5872, but you have to multiply it.
19:00Apologies to anyone watching who can spell the word maths.
19:031200 would be 40 times 30.
19:06So 40 times 5 is 200.
19:081400.
19:091400.
19:10That's four.
19:12One more, and orange win this.
19:18Kissed Kiki, the Romanian sweet dog.
19:22I love you, Kiki.
19:24Aw, thanks, guys.
19:25Go, go, go, go, go, go.
19:29Well done, teams.
19:30The winner will be revealed on the screen shortly.
19:33We must have won, so...
19:34I've got another pair.
19:36Do you want a pair?
19:37No, maybe later, you know.
19:39All right.
19:40And the winner is...
19:41The orange team.
19:42Yay, well done.
19:44Blue team, you were dog shit.
19:45Thanks, guys.
19:46We needed that, to be fair.
19:51There we go.
19:52Back to the dusty floor.
19:55Yeah, I don't actually fancy getting back on the floor.
19:58I fancy getting some furniture.
20:00Let's not get ahead of ourselves, Tom.
20:02First, we have the small matter of reclaiming the box.
20:05Now they won one.
20:07I won the next one.
20:09We have to, otherwise it's going to be, like, where the blue share is.
20:13There he is.
20:14There he is.
20:15There he is.
20:16Oh!
20:17Oh!
20:18He's got some metres back.
20:19When you're ready, tap the button and see how far the wall will move.
20:23There's only one five and they got it.
20:25So what are the chances?
20:27Just try to get a five.
20:28Five will only get us back to, like...
20:30Come on.
20:31I'm really sorry if it's anything but five.
20:33Not a two.
20:34Not a two.
20:35Oh, it's a two.
20:36It's going to be a two.
20:37I mean, it's incredible stuff, isn't it?
20:39Couldn't have been worse, Kevin.
20:41Couldn't have been worse.
20:42It's almost.
20:43It's all right.
20:47It's going to move.
20:52I think it'll just go to where they'll get the ducks back.
20:55Push that ball.
20:59What a skill here, George.
21:01She's going to stop where the white thing is at.
21:03Yeah, it's where those white...
21:04Kiki!
21:05Kiki!
21:06Yay!
21:08And we get all of Kiki Leek.
21:10There we go.
21:11This is a lovely sign.
21:12This is workable.
21:13We start out small and then we clear up a bit.
21:16We feel good about ourselves.
21:18Aww.
21:19That's not bad.
21:20We pushed it quite far, you know.
21:22It's exciting.
21:23I'm sure you want to know how much money you've got to spend in the shop.
21:31Or pick a box.
21:32I'm not getting involved.
21:33I'm wrecking everything I touch at the moment.
21:36B.
21:38B can't be the lowest twice.
21:40That's small.
21:41Yes!
21:42We're rich.
21:43I feel so bad for you blue team.
21:44Do you know how to do massages?
21:45Yeah.
21:46No.
21:47Tits out.
21:48Right now get out your tablet and spend some of that cash in my shop.
21:53So exciting.
21:54This is fabulous.
21:55This is actually brilliant.
21:56So...
21:57I thought you said you know.
21:58Oh!
21:59Watch when the chair breaks.
22:00Let me get up.
22:01Let me get up.
22:02Coffee machine, 300.
22:03Yes, please.
22:04Coffee table, just one.
22:05250.
22:06Two full English breakfasts.
22:07Now we've spent 1500 pounds.
22:08One vegetarian?
22:09Yes.
22:10Ideally, just a whole bowl.
22:11And then you have to do a little bit of a bowl.
22:13I can't wait.
22:14I can't wait.
22:15I can't wait.
22:16I can't wait.
22:17I can't wait.
22:18This is a whole bowl.
22:19I can't wait.
22:20I can't wait.
22:21I can't wait.
22:22I can't wait.
22:23I can't wait.
22:24I can't wait.
22:25I can't wait.
22:26I can't wait.
22:27I can't wait.
22:28I can't wait.
22:29I can't wait.
22:30What about you?
22:31Yes, ideally vegan, although with eggs.
22:34So Tom doesn't know what a vegan is, just like Josh doesn't know how to pleasure a woman.
22:39You touch like a little bird.
22:41Who knew?
22:42Ooh, could I get a fluffy robe?
22:45Of course. Why don't we get a xylophone?
22:48Yeah, and that's done.
22:49No.
22:50Is that not done?
22:51Hang on.
22:52Jimmy, can you confirm that my math is correct or can you get in touch with your disgraced accountant?
22:57Was that three grand?
22:59Firstly, your maths is fine and secondly, my disgraced accountant is now one of the Jimmians.
23:05Ask him yourself.
23:06Here comes some stuff.
23:08The Jimmians.
23:11Jimmy?
23:13Your luxury items have arrived. They're at your door. You can collect them now.
23:17And don't make a rug for it. I don't want to have to set the docks on you.
23:21Thank you, Jimmy.
23:22Look, the door's open. It's green.
23:24Ooh, OK, we have to start with the rug.
23:26Are you going to make us some food?
23:28I'm going.
23:34Can you imagine if you just lost your shit right now and be like, see you later, I'm out of here.
23:39I am going to pace a bit just to get me steps in.
23:45Well, that's it for this part. Join me after the break when I'll continue to torment people in exchange for money.
23:50God, I love this job.
23:51Welcome back to Battle in the Box.
24:03It's been nearly six hours since they first entered the box and both teams are showing their true colours.
24:08Josh and Fatia are making the best of a bad situation.
24:12Now pretend you're me and just chat and I'll do a little hand.
24:15You fucking mug.
24:16You fucking dickhead.
24:17That's quite a good deal, actually.
24:18Whilst on the orange side, even after winning, Tom can still be a moany c**.
24:27I said comic.
24:28Didn't fully anticipate that we had to sort of cook the English breakfasts.
24:32What?
24:33I really think that that's something that I'm that keen to do.
24:39I would say that Tom is entitled, but then again, even my butler has a butler.
24:44Did you ever watch X-Men?
24:45I was just about to say that.
24:46Like when they put you in like a box where we can't use our powers.
24:49Yeah.
24:50And I'm like, oh, what would I set fire?
24:57Despite Tom's initial complaints, Orange team have started preparing dinner.
25:01Well, Catherine has.
25:02I won't let you have two at a time, you bastard.
25:05It's like being on like a really shit holiday.
25:11What happened to the knife?
25:14Yes, it's heavy.
25:19What are we doing with our lives, Catherine?
25:22This is so weird.
25:23Well, if you will insist on cooking breakfast before bedtime, it will feel weird, Tom.
25:28If I make it at one of those cheese toasties, would you want one?
25:32Mmm.
25:33I can make it now.
25:34If they're cooking, I might as well just cook.
25:36Have you had grilled cheese, American style?
25:40America!
25:42Have you heard of the U.S. of A?
25:45I'm going to take you there.
25:47Through your taste buds.
25:49Oh, yeah.
25:50Yeah.
25:53It's nice, the xylophone, you know.
25:57Very healing frequencies.
25:59I love new Tom.
26:01Spiritual guru.
26:02Oh, fuck it.
26:05This is going to be the shittiest one I've ever done.
26:11Oh, that's the wrong side, you stupid fuck, Josh.
26:15And now I've got to butter it while it's in.
26:17Oh, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
26:21It's also the worst thing that's ever happened to bread.
26:23Oh, this is.
26:25Shut up, fire.
26:28Look at the smoke.
26:33I'm never going to get booked for anything again.
26:35Certainly not MasterChef, Josh.
26:38Well, maybe naked attraction.
26:41What are vegan sausages made of, Tom?
26:44I don't know.
26:46Self-importance.
26:52Well, this was an absolute disaster.
26:55Well, even a Romanian street dog wouldn't eat that.
26:59I'm in a great mood now, ma'am.
27:01That's delicious.
27:02Thank you so much.
27:04I've absolutely ruined the sausages and it smells like fire in here.
27:06I might change that.
27:08No, look at how burned mine are.
27:10Oh, dear.
27:12That poor pig.
27:13Don't worry, viewers.
27:14Those are vegan sausages.
27:16They need them to offset the pollution next door.
27:19This is really nice.
27:22Yours came out all right.
27:24Do you like cheese?
27:25I love cheese, mate.
27:26Mmm, me too.
27:27You can't eat too much of it, though.
27:29It's not great for your digestive system cheese.
27:31Oh.
27:32No.
27:34No.
27:39Whilst Josh and Fatia digest their cheese monstrosities, in Orange Box, Catherine is opening up to Tom.
27:45I wrote a song about my husband when we were teenagers.
27:47Yeah.
27:48And I just remembered it one day.
27:49And I was like...
27:51I remembered every word.
27:52I was like, do you want to hear the song I wrote about you?
27:54And he didn't like it.
27:55He didn't like the song?
27:58What did it say?
27:59He goes...
28:00I was naive enough to believe all that stuff that you told me that you love me and now I want to say to you now that we're through.
28:13Oh, that's quite sweet, really.
28:14Oh, that's quite sweet, really.
28:15Fuck you!
28:16Fuck you!
28:17Fuck you!
28:18Oh, no, that's more like it.
28:19Everything and everyone you do!
28:20I was kind of the original Taylor Swift.
28:22Yeah.
28:23Now you've sung it, I can understand why you didn't necessarily appreciate it.
28:26That's what you get when you smash the heart of a 16-year-old girl into a thousand pieces.
28:30Yeah.
28:33Yes!
28:35OK, teams, stand by for your next game.
28:37Oh, fucking hell, I've heard that.
28:41To win this game, it's going to take massive balls.
28:43Balls like that, to be precise.
28:45You have one hour to create a balletic routine inspired by my most flexible minions.
28:50Best ball control wins.
28:52You're fired, get out.
28:54This is Ball Routine.
28:57An hour.
28:58Yeah.
28:59Well, at least we know what an hour's going to feel like.
29:02That's ages, especially for a couple of absolute Gs like us.
29:06The iPad says this.
29:08You'll watch a dance, and then you'll have to come up with your own.
29:1160-second ball routine to impress the minions.
29:15I've given both teams a gym ball and sweatbands,
29:18which is everything they need to prepare their own balletic routines.
29:22Balletic?
29:23What's balletic?
29:24I think it's...
29:25You know when you're like...
29:26OK.
29:27When you do that, and then I pass the ball to you, and then you...
29:28So, we have to keep the gym ball between us.
29:34Please look at the screen.
29:35My minions have prepared a little demonstration for you.
29:38Oh, that's crazy.
29:39Oh, that's crazy.
29:40I didn't like that.
29:41That'll get a point.
29:42That's quite nice.
29:43We'll feel that.
29:44Oh, yes.
29:45We're doing that.
29:46We are doing that.
29:47Ooh.
29:48Are these motherfuckers dancers?
29:49They're not dancers.
29:50They're minions.
29:51Or, Jimmions.
29:52Oh, wow, Tom.
29:53Oh, wow, Tom.
29:54We can do that.
29:55Oh, they can bounce.
29:56Yeah.
29:57Yeah.
29:58Can we do that?
29:59Wow.
30:00Oh, yeah.
30:01Oh, I think they're...
30:02Yes, we're doing that.
30:03We are doing that.
30:04We are doing that.
30:05We are doing that.
30:06We are doing that.
30:07We are doing that.
30:08Oh, these motherfuckers dancers.
30:09Are these motherfuckers dancers?
30:12They're not dancers.
30:14They're minions.
30:15Oh, wow, Tom.
30:18We can do that.
30:22Oh, they can bounce.
30:24Yeah.
30:26Can we do that?
30:27Can we do that?
30:28Get the fuck out of here.
30:31Yeah, fair play, actually.
30:33That was stunning.
30:35Strictly.
30:36Right.
30:37All right.
30:38Fair enough.
30:39Right, dancers, you have one hour to create and rehearse your routine.
30:44Oh!
30:45That's beautiful.
30:46This is Josh's big chance to redeem himself after the catapult fail.
30:50And the massage fail.
30:52And the cheese toasty fail.
30:54Roll it down, man.
30:59Should we just give the win to the orange team now?
31:02But what are you going to do while I'm like this?
31:05I'm going to miss myself.
31:09That'll be the toasty.
31:11Things look very professional in the orange box.
31:17That's really good, isn't it?
31:19Whilst Fatia and Josh...
31:21What do I do?
31:22...appear to have given up entirely.
31:25You know what we're doing?
31:26I forgot.
31:27Very soon these four are going to perform their balls off of my minions.
31:39Which team has what it takes to win them over?
31:43Find out after this break.
31:45Oh!
31:46Oh!
31:47Christ!
31:48You all right?
31:49I meant commercial break.
31:50He's OK!
31:51Not ankle break.
31:52Not ankle break.
32:00Welcome back to Battle in the Box.
32:02It's been over ten hours since Tom, Catherine, Josh and Fatia entered the box.
32:07For almost 60 minutes they've been preparing a ball routine to impress my minions.
32:12I think we're good.
32:13All right.
32:14They'll be judging on coordination, grace and style.
32:17Whilst I'm only interested in petty infighting.
32:20Josh?
32:21Yeah?
32:22You guys suck.
32:23Yeah, you suck actually quite a lot.
32:25I actually think we've devised quite an emotional piece.
32:29Well, you're wrong.
32:30Do you know what we've called it?
32:32What?
32:33Catherine and Tom lose.
32:35Ooh.
32:36Ouch.
32:37Now, hoping it will add some extra spice to their routine, Tom and Catherine have come
32:41up with a compelling narrative.
32:43We're fighting over the ball, right?
32:46Like the ball is our child, you know?
32:49And we are a divorcing couple but through the dance maybe we actually realise that we should
32:53be together.
32:54OK.
32:55Meanwhile in the blue box, Josh shares an equally dramatic story.
32:59What happened to your elbow and you got a scar there?
33:01My brother threw me over his head and my bone popped out when I landed.
33:05Oh no.
33:06But I broke both my arms.
33:07I got that finger chopped off and sewn back on.
33:10Why did you do that?
33:11I got my fingers stuck at one of those metal fences like that.
33:15I fell off and the finger stayed on.
33:18And the teacher had to grab it off the fence.
33:21And it works OK?
33:22They had to take a skin graft from me bum so that's from me arse cheek.
33:27Boo, bum finger.
33:28Have you got a scar in your bum?
33:29No.
33:30No.
33:31Blue Team, you're up first.
33:36Prepare to show the world.
33:38Your ball control.
33:39Don't laugh.
33:41Two of my criminally underpaid minions there.
33:45They'll be the ones judging this game.
33:47Please begin.
34:01Oh, that's nice.
34:07Interesting.
34:09Interesting.
34:17And it's quite moving.
34:26They're just showing utter disdain to the ball.
34:36And she spat on her.
34:38This is grotesque.
34:42There is drama to it though.
34:43That's quite a poignant moment.
34:47I don't know if that routine has a name, but I would call it bum finger.
35:01Fucking hell.
35:03Thank you, Blue Team.
35:04The minions will now reveal their scores.
35:12Oh, yay!
35:14Is that out of seven?
35:15Unbelievably, that's out of ten.
35:18I can only assume that the many head traumas my minions have suffered are finally coming back to haunt me.
35:26Seven.
35:29They just paid almost no attention to the ball.
35:31There was no dance, there were no tricks.
35:34Katherine?
35:35Yeah?
35:36Did you get to see ours?
35:37Yeah.
35:38Oh, we're going to get to watch it.
35:39It was very moving.
35:40It was very dramatic.
35:42Orange Team, it's your turn now.
35:44Assume the position.
35:45We're rooting for you guys.
35:49We're rooting for you guys.
35:50Oh, they have the ball in between them.
35:51What would you do that?
35:52This is some art school motion.
35:53Yeah, this is better than that.
35:54This is some art school motion.
35:55Yeah, this is better than that.
35:56This is some art school motion.
35:57Yeah, this is better than that.
35:58This is some art school motion.
35:59Yeah, this is better than that.
36:03That's what we were supposed to do.
36:04No, it wasn't.
36:05They said they're looking for poised and finesse.
36:06Yeah, this is better than that.
36:07That's what we were supposed to do.
36:08No, it wasn't.
36:09They said they're looking for poised and finesse.
36:10understand.
36:11This is a private 하면.
36:13vit.
36:14This is where we were supposed to do.
36:16Ah, it wasn't.
36:17They said they're looking for poised and finesse.
36:22This is what we were supposed to do.
36:26That's what we were supposed to do.
36:28No, it wasn't. We said they're looking for poison finesse.
36:41I'm sorry. Violence is poison finesse.
36:48Get the fuck out of here.
36:55Yeah!
37:00Thank you, Orange Team. Stand by and await the Minions' score.
37:04They've won.
37:05They've won.
37:10Oh, my fucking...
37:11Ten, ten, ten. We've got ten. We've got ten.
37:16I knew you were good, guys.
37:17Thank you, Jim Yens.
37:18Respect you, respect you. You've got good taste.
37:21Well done, that was fine.
37:22And the winner is the Orange Team.
37:25Woo! Woo! Woo!
37:29We really put everything into that, Tom.
37:30Yeah.
37:31You, really.
37:32I feel like I actually might be a ballet dancer, to be fair.
37:34I think you are.
37:36Yeah, dance.
37:37Do you want to just do it again for fun?
37:40I don't know.
37:41Well done, guys.
37:42Well done.
37:43Well done.
37:44Oh, my head.
37:49The other room is going to get smaller.
37:52Our comedians have been trapped inside the box for over 11 hours now.
37:56And as if that wasn't bad enough, the blue team are about to lose some of that precious floor space.
38:00But how much?
38:01Let's find out.
38:06Ooh!
38:07Jimmy!
38:08Tap the button and find out how far the wall will move.
38:12Oh, you press the button.
38:13Good luck.
38:19Oh, God.
38:20He's letting me do it.
38:22He's letting me do it.
38:24He's letting me do it.
38:25Whoa.
38:26Ah!
38:28Yes!
38:29He's doing so good at random chance.
38:34Yes!
38:38It's going to be there.
38:39Oh, dear.
38:40You're going to see more Kikis in a minute.
38:41I don't know.
38:42I think, actually, we can see all the Kikis.
38:44Oh, yeah, you're right.
38:45Kiki's going to have a lot of space to run around.
38:47Space to express yourself.
38:51Look at the sky.
38:52Yeah.
38:53Push that wall.
38:54Yes, please.
38:55You can't lose again.
38:56I mean, this is just basically a cleaning job you're giving us.
39:15Oh, don't worry.
39:16We'll use the dustpan and brush.
39:18Do you know what?
39:21We're right in front of the TV.
39:28I kind of wish we got something other than that tree.
39:30Er, we will.
39:37Well, let's find out how much money you've earned for that round.
39:39Pick a box.
39:40We're cleaning, Jimmy.
39:42Which one would you pick?
39:44I'd go for C.
39:45C.
39:46Let's say A.
39:49B.
39:50Wow.
39:51Really?
39:52I respect it.
39:53Worked last time.
39:56Ah, shit.
39:58God.
40:00The bee tactic failed.
40:01I just thought it can be the lowest, but it is.
40:03Right, now get out your tablet and spend some of that cash in my shop.
40:07Oh, there we go.
40:08Modular sofa unit.
40:10That's 500.
40:11Bookshelf, miniature globe.
40:14Get yourself a modular sofa.
40:16I don't know, Emma.
40:17I mean, I don't want to sort of, like, commandeer the decision-making, but...
40:20Go ahead.
40:21I got everything I need in this today.
40:23I feel like I let you down.
40:24Why?
40:25I mean, it's all shit.
40:26No, he wasn't.
40:27Sofa, please.
40:28Modular sofa unit.
40:29Jimmy.
40:30For the first time in this battle, orange team are living in the larger half of the box.
40:39They're nice little digs, Tom.
40:41Meanwhile, blue team are plotting their revenge.
40:44I went to watch Blink 182, and some prick elbowed me in the head, so I punched him and then ran away.
40:52And despite getting a brand new sofa, Tom Rosenthal is still not a happy boy.
40:57I do think that we have a chance of winning, but this entire thing seems to be run by psychopaths, so I don't know.
41:08Coming up in the next episode...
41:10Looks like someone's wiped their bum with it.
41:13More balls.
41:14Yeah, that's starting to feel good.
41:16I don't want to lose again.
41:17More falls.
41:19No!
41:21And more balls.
41:22Holy fuck, this is well-eyed.
41:24But only one team can stick it out.
41:26This is one of the weirdest things I've ever done in my entire life.
41:29And escape the box.
41:32I couldn't do this for an extra day.
41:35I couldn't.
41:36Well, that's the end of this show, but not the end of the battle.
41:38It could end in one of two ways.
41:40One of them could get murdered, or one of them could get pregnant.
41:43I'm hoping it's both.
41:44See you next time.
41:45Good night.
41:46See you next time.
41:47Bye.
41:48Bye.
41:50Parts of the couple of walked up the way to второй,
41:52There is a quarterstitch back in the second,
41:53One day in the third place.
41:54Hyped out the first part of theließen
42:00Transcription by CastingWords
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