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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Dara O'Brien!
00:30Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Live at the Apollo!
00:38My name is Dara O'Brien, it is a pleasure and I'd like to be back here doing this, I love
00:44doing this.
00:45I've had to pause, by the way, doing things like comedy tours, because I've just got an
00:49acting job, pretty big acting job, so you're very kind.
00:53I'm playing the lead role in the new Greg Wallace biopic.
00:56It's been on the cards for a while, but we had to postpone it just to rewrite the ending.
01:07No, it is a delight to be back doing this, because I'm on the tour, bringing you exciting
01:13news of all over the place.
01:15Firstly, Dublin, where I'm from.
01:17Anyone here ever been to Dublin?
01:19Of course, I know, you've all been to Dublin, right?
01:21There is a part of Dublin, by the way, called Temple Bar, right?
01:25Yeah, a lot of you are familiar with it.
01:27Of course, you should be familiar with it, because we built it for you.
01:30Honestly, it was very much built with British tourists in mind.
01:35It's like a big ball pit that we drop you into, and then we go off and have pints somewhere
01:39else.
01:40And every so often, we come back and go, how are you doing?
01:42And you're always thrilled.
01:44But this is a genuine thing that I noticed in Dublin earlier in the year, an amazing thing,
01:50an amazing business that I've not got into for a reason that will become really obvious.
01:53But it's incredible.
01:55It's down a genuine lane in Temple Bar, right in the middle of Dublin, called Crane Lane.
01:59And I've never been to it, but you can see it.
02:00You can see sideways down the lane a neon sign, a magical neon sign that has three wonderful
02:06words buzzing away in neon every night.
02:09It just says, lap-dancing casino.
02:13And I've never gone in, because how can it really live up to what's happening in my imagination
02:18every kind of day of that, where men furtively walk in going, yeah, I'd love a lap dance,
02:25please.
02:26And the guy goes, certainly, sir.
02:28Huh?
02:31Duk, duk, duk, duk, duk.
02:36Jake.
02:37LAUGHTER
02:40What?
02:41Sometimes he wins, sir.
02:42Sometimes.
02:43So if you could just sit there, please.
02:46Yeah, are you in Dublin for work, are you?
02:49LAUGHTER
02:53Oh, Lord, I love doing this thing, I love doing it.
02:55But there is an element of, you're bobbing around, you know, I'm not getting any younger,
02:58you know, aching a bit here and there with it all.
03:00I occasionally get back pain.
03:01I'm a big guy.
03:02I'm a big guy.
03:03You know me.
03:04Like, I'm a big guy, but I'm also a big guy, right?
03:06I'm six foot four.
03:07And by the way, long-term, interesting note, doctors have said that actually long-term,
03:11the greater determinant of my long-term health will be my height rather than my weight,
03:15because, of course, I will die the death of a tall man.
03:18LAUGHTER
03:19Which is, of course, to be hit by a bus mirror.
03:22LAUGHTER
03:24I love that joke.
03:29Right?
03:30Because tall people really get that joke, right?
03:33Because we've all had a moment to go, Jesus, where did that come from?
03:35Right?
03:36Yeah.
03:37But short people, whoosh.
03:39LAUGHTER
03:40No.
03:41When you get older, when you get older, yeah, your attitude changes things.
03:51For example, electric bikes.
03:53I love electric bikes.
03:54I use electric bikes all the time.
03:55Like, when I was younger, I wouldn't have used electric bikes.
03:57In my 20s, oh, I'd be insulted by the thought of using electric bikes.
04:01But now I think they're great.
04:02And, in fact, studies have shown that if you use electric bikes,
04:05you'll ride for longer and you'll enjoy the ride more.
04:08Sorry, do I keep saying electric bikes?
04:10Viagra.
04:12LAUGHTER
04:14If you're watching at home, now rewind and re-watch the joke.
04:19It is watertight.
04:20It is absolutely fit.
04:22LAUGHTER
04:23No, but occasionally you get things like little twinges in the back,
04:26for example.
04:27Hey, we all get these things.
04:28The problem in the back.
04:29I used to do a thing where I'd go for a massage every so often
04:31just to relax the back and all that.
04:33And I remember talking to a friend, also in his 50s,
04:35he went, well, hang on, have you actually hurt your back?
04:37I said, yeah, yeah, no, it's quite bad.
04:38He said, what are you doing?
04:39Are you going to do a massage?
04:40Oh, yeah, yeah, I do, yeah, yeah.
04:41It's all right, you know, he said.
04:42No, no, no, no, no.
04:43You don't...
04:44No, no, no.
04:45If you've genuinely hurt yourself, don't go to...
04:47You know what you mean with, like, the whale music and the towels
04:49and the whole...
04:50No, no, you go to a physio.
04:51That's who you go to if you've genuinely hurt your back.
04:54Are there any physios in the room?
04:55Whoo!
04:56Few to die around.
04:57This is the difference you should know, by the way.
04:58People don't know the distinction between these two things.
05:00That is not the same situation.
05:01I went to the physio instead of going for a massage.
05:04Holy shit!
05:05It is a different situation in time, right?
05:07I was trained on, like, oh, how soft, how relaxing would you like it to be?
05:11Not with a physio.
05:12A physio couldn't give a shite.
05:14Which, what oil you prefer, it doesn't give a dab.
05:18When the massage person goes, I'm just going to go down your arm.
05:21Mmm, I'm just going to go down the other arm.
05:23No, not the physio.
05:24The physio just goes, walk to there.
05:26Yeah, turn around.
05:27Yeah, walk back again.
05:28Yeah, I know what the problem is.
05:29Lie down.
05:30Yeah.
05:31It's here!
05:32It's right here!
05:34And you're on this plank going,
05:36Jesus, could you at least do me shoulders just to ease me in, for Christ's sake.
05:41But no, there's no easing in.
05:43It's like, nah, this is what I do.
05:45This is all I do.
05:46I do this for 20 minutes.
05:48And then you get up, you pay me 60 quid, and you piss off.
05:51And it is amazing.
05:57Oh, yeah, no, once you've had that, you can't go back to the fluffy towels and the essential oils.
06:02Once you've had the heroin, you can't have the chamomile tea.
06:06That's an old saying from the streets.
06:13Oh, Hammersmith.
06:15But no, it's amazing.
06:18And I feel bad about this, because now I never go and get a normal massage, right?
06:21And I don't feel bad about that, because a massage, as we know, a massage is a wonderful thing.
06:26It's very, very physical.
06:27It helps people.
06:28It's very, very comfortable for people.
06:29But it's also really unfortunate massage.
06:31I don't know to anyone who works in massage.
06:33It's the only bit of the healthcare industry, of the whole healthcare world, that has sort
06:37of been adopted or stolen by sex workers for some reason.
06:42And that's really unfortunate, because that does, you know, people have made the...
06:46Look, I, I am that soldier, right?
06:49I was in Australia, and I twanged me back.
06:51And I walked around this place, and I said, Adelaide, going,
06:53Jesus, is there anywhere here that does massage?
06:54And a young woman in the newsagent, my own age, like, went,
06:57Oh, yeah, there's a massage place over there.
06:58And I presume, well, this is going to be legit.
07:00So she's in her 20s.
07:01I'm in her 20s.
07:02That's crap.
07:03She must be sending me to somewhere good.
07:04Went into the place, walked in.
07:05There's a woman there.
07:06And I said, hello, do you do massage?
07:07And she goes, absolutely.
07:08And she shows me the board, and the prices were on the board.
07:10And she said, it's $60 for a massage, or $100 for fantasy.
07:19I'm a young and innocent man abroad for the first time.
07:22And I'm going, I'm sorry, what is fantasy?
07:25Presuming she's going to go, well, in fantasy, we dress up as orcs.
07:32And we stomp around you, reading out rules and incantations
07:36in an ancient, elvish language.
07:39And then we have a huge sword fight.
07:41And at the end, we take a 20-sided dice.
07:43And we roll the 20-sided dice.
07:45And if you score 18 or more, we wank you off.
07:55But she did not say that.
07:58And I said, I'm sorry, what is fantasy?
08:00She says, well, in fantasy, the masseuse takes off her top.
08:03And I instantly turned into every innocent 1930s Irishman abroad.
08:09In the writing room, I started going, oh, oh, Jesus, no.
08:11Oh, stop now.
08:12Ah, Jesus, oh, sacred heart.
08:13No, I can't be.
08:14Ah, stop.
08:15And started backing out of the room.
08:17Oh, God, no, no, no judging.
08:18No judging.
08:19You do you.
08:20You do whatever you have to do, right?
08:21But, oh, Jesus, what did my mother say?
08:23Ah, God.
08:24She's not even dead.
08:25Why am I looking to heaven?
08:26Eh.
08:27Oh, stop it, stop it, stop it.
08:28Like, whatever.
08:29I absolutely was not.
08:30Ah, no, no.
08:31And she said, what's wrong?
08:32And I said, ah, no.
08:33I said, oh, no, no, I misunderstood.
08:34I misunderstood.
08:35I said, no, no, I've genuinely hurt my back.
08:37And I genuinely need somebody to do some work to help me.
08:40You know, because I've hurt my back, right?
08:42And God love her.
08:43This woman running a rub and tug joint in Adelaide genuinely looked at me
08:48and said, we can give it a go.
08:50With a real Australian can-do spirit.
08:58No one's ever asked for that before.
09:00You pervert.
09:01God love massage is the only field that you can mix up with the sex industry.
09:09You've never gone for a dental appointment.
09:11And a new dentist.
09:15And then you walk in and the woman's at the desk going,
09:18oh, at the 2.30, absolutely.
09:19You just wait in there.
09:20And you sit, you know, on that, like, that vinyl slopey chair with the weird shape.
09:23And you're just sitting there going,
09:24OK, well, I hope I get something on my tooth.
09:26My tooth's really hurting.
09:27I hope I get something about my tooth, like whatever.
09:29And the dentist goes, OK, yeah.
09:30Are you my 2.30 instead?
09:31And I said, yeah, OK.
09:32Well, we'll just get started.
09:34And then the music starts.
09:35He starts going, wah, bah, bah.
09:37What?
09:38What?
09:39Are you a sexy dentist?
09:41And the dentist goes, yes.
09:43Is this not what you're looking for?
09:44No, I genuinely hurt my tooth.
09:46I can give it a go.
09:48LAUGHTER
09:49No, put it on.
09:50Eh.
09:51Any one of those things?
09:53Look, the one thing we should, and I feel proud in taking this,
09:56as an older person doing, like, a broadly younger audience,
09:59you should know this, like whatever.
10:00People worry about their health in many different ways.
10:02One thing you should do is none of us reach the finishing line
10:05of this race intact.
10:07None of us, no matter how healthy we are, none of us are 100% what was
10:12promised by the time we finish our lives.
10:14Bits of either fallen off, being cut off, never arrived, all of us
10:19have an inventory of stuff that we should have, but we don't have,
10:22and sometimes very simple.
10:23There.
10:24There's a good one to start with.
10:25I, for example, only have three wisdom teeth.
10:28The first three came up normally, and the fourth one, all the
10:31first two had to be removed when they came up because they were
10:33called an all sort of misshaping of the teeth, like whatever.
10:35And the fourth one clearly saw this happening, went, oh, no,
10:37that's a bit of a bother, and then just disappeared into my body
10:40and never appeared again.
10:42LAUGHTER
10:45Much more dramatically, though, right, when I was 18, I went
10:48into hospital for a procedure called an orchidectomy.
10:53Now, so many people know that as an orchidectomy is the surgical
10:58open, you'll open you up basically to search and remove an
11:01undescended testicle, because orchid, unbelievably, orchid makes no
11:07sense whatsoever, is the medical word for testicle.
11:11Orchid testicle.
11:13There's no reason you can't...
11:14There must have been some weird meeting of the Royal Society of
11:17Medicine back in the 1700s when they're naming body parts, right?
11:20And there's all these gentlemen doctors with long beards and frock
11:23coats going, well, gentlemen, we've done wonderful work today.
11:26We've named the medulla oblongata, the gluteus maximus and the clavicle.
11:30But now I'm afraid we've made a more delicate part of the body, a more
11:36private part of the body, a genital part of the body, and all the
11:4217th century men go, murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur.
11:45Okay.
11:46And then at the back, one voice goes, uh, perhaps I can help.
11:52And they all try to go, oh, Dr. Fou-fou-le-floof.
11:58Is there something you wish to add at this stage?
12:05I would merely say, if you have to name this most delicate region
12:09of the body, we should name it after the thing it most resembles,
12:12which is, of course, a flower.
12:19Because like the flower, this part of the body, at the start of the
12:23day, its petals are closed, but slowly over the course of the day,
12:27its petals open, releasing its sweet perfume into the air, drawing
12:33you in until you bury your face within the folds of the flower.
12:38And then you taste upon your tongue the sweet nectar.
12:41If you have to name it after the flower, we should name it after
12:43the most beautiful flower of all, which is, of course, the orchid.
12:48Uh, okay.
12:49Well, uh, sure.
12:50Big hairy balls.
12:51Orchid.
12:52Let's go on.
12:53What?
12:54I wasn't talking about the man.
12:55I was talking about the lady.
12:56This is a terrible mistake.
12:58Oh!
12:59We've already pressed send.
13:03So orchid's stuck, right?
13:05And I, at that age, had to go into a hospital to have a
13:07conversation with a doctor about it.
13:08And this is kind of a scary thing to tell in front of a crowd,
13:10but I tell it for a good reason.
13:11Because I'm going to repeat a conversation here that other men
13:13may have to have in their lives, often because of cancer.
13:15But you should actually know how this conversation goes.
13:17I, a very scared 18-year-old, stood in front of this doctor and said,
13:20Jesus, if I'm missing one of my testicles, how is it going to
13:22affect major things in my life?
13:24He said, what do you mean?
13:25He said, well, how is it going to affect my sex drive?
13:27And he says, it doesn't affect your sex drive in any way.
13:29And it does not.
13:30I said, well, how is it going to affect my fertility?
13:32He said, it doesn't affect your fertility in any way.
13:35And it does not.
13:38Draw your own conclusions from that.
13:43But I said, so it doesn't affect it anyway.
13:46He said, no.
13:47He said, you mean you can lose 50% of the system.
13:50And it makes no, he said, it makes no difference whatsoever.
13:53There was a lot of redundancy built into the human body.
13:56It makes no difference at all.
13:57He said, that's amazing.
13:58So having one testicle is no different than having two.
14:01And I will always remember this.
14:03The doctor said, no, he said.
14:05Unlike people who have two testicles,
14:07if you only have one testicle,
14:09you'll have no depth perception.
14:19In your testicles.
14:21And when you jizz, you'll have no idea if you jizz big and far away
14:24or small and relatively nearby.
14:27Can I step out of the show for a second and go,
14:30that is totally my favourite joke of my entire career.
14:33By no means the biggest guaranteed laugh,
14:36but the people who get it, get it big, right?
14:39And the people who don't, hello, eh.
14:42And they go, I didn't get that a joke at all.
14:44Two eyes, one eye, look it up.
14:45Anyway, here's the actual punchline.
14:47They opened me up, they looked, and they couldn't find anything.
14:50So for 35 years, I've had a testicle and a tooth
14:54wandering randomly through my body.
15:03Having God knows what adventures they've been having over the years.
15:09They've probably joined up and go around solving crimes together.
15:12Oh, no, there's been a murder in the spleen.
15:16We better call Bitey and the Shudder.
15:18They'll know what to do.
15:20Hey, boss, why do you call him the Shudder?
15:22Ah, give him a poke, you'll find out soon enough.
15:24Blah, blah, blah.
15:27Look, I have even one very, very simple story, which I quite like,
15:31and it's again, totally true story.
15:33Not long ago, I was sitting at home with the kids, watching TV, right?
15:36Watching TV, mind of my own business, when my wife called from the room,
15:40the room with the dryer, the washer dryer, the tumble dryer,
15:43the utility room, whatever you want to call it, right?
15:45There's a room there.
15:46And she took her head on the door and said,
15:47Dara, can you come in here, please?
15:50So I walked in and said, what, what is it?
15:52And she said, can you help me fold these sheets?
15:54I said, are you out of your mind?
15:57She goes, I'm folding sheets, are you crazy?
15:59Are you gone in the head, woman?
16:00Like, whatever.
16:01If you're going to ask me to fold sheets, you say,
16:02Dara, can you come in here and fold sheets?
16:04You do not go, Dara, can you come in here, please?
16:07Which is the international code for grown-ups to say,
16:09I found something terrible.
16:11We must discuss it away from the children.
16:13Can you come in here now,
16:14where we can have a proper conversation about that?
16:16Jeez, I said, I shot myself on that walk from the television to here,
16:19going, what has she found?
16:21What has she...
16:22When I walk in, she'll be holding a bag of banknotes
16:24that she discovered behind some towels over there,
16:26or she'll discover a door to a cellar
16:28she never knew that the house had.
16:30I said, at the very least, be holding my laptop,
16:33if you're going to say...
16:34Dara, can you come in here now, please?
16:39She said, what about these sheets?
16:41Ah, another time, I said, and walked away.
16:43Anyway, so...
16:45You don't know that you were part of a test there,
16:48and you passed it more than you could possibly imagine, right?
16:51Because one of the joys of doing this job
16:53is you find a cultural difference that you never knew existed,
16:56and then you uncover it in a gig by total accident, right?
16:59Know this.
17:00I told that joke a million times, both in the UK and Ireland.
17:03Every single time I get to that line in Ireland,
17:06Dara, can you come in here now, please?
17:09An Irish audience erupts into,
17:12Oh, you're in trouble now!
17:16What have you been up to?
17:18Oh, you devil, right?
17:20And every audience in Britain, including tonight,
17:23including 3,500 people, tonight, always,
17:27Oh, I wonder what she needs them for.
17:30LAUGHTER
17:32APPLAUSE
17:34Every night.
17:37Every night in Ireland, the crowd are going,
17:41You hound, you filthy hound, you devil!
17:44You've been up to no good.
17:45Oh, you've been caught.
17:46You've been caught undeservedly so, you mad monkey, right?
17:49And every audience, including tonight in Britain, goes,
17:51Oh, the rest of this anecdote must take place in the other room.
17:55LAUGHTER
17:58So congratulations for falling into my trap.
18:02Anyway, we have a glorious evening of comedy ahead of you.
18:05Looking forward to seeing our actors, gentlemen!
18:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:09Ladies and gentlemen, you've been a wave of time in this company.
18:11Could you please lift the roof of the Apollo for Jack Skipper?
18:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:17Apollo, how we doing? Are we all right?
18:31Yeah, this is nice, isn't it?
18:35Enjoying a bit of comedy? Having a laugh?
18:37Actually, I've noticed this thing with comedy lately, though.
18:39When people go and see comedy shows nowadays,
18:41they don't just want to laugh, do they?
18:43They want to learn something, you know?
18:45They want to walk away going,
18:46Ooh, ooh, he really made me think.
18:49I was rolling round on the floor thinking.
18:52But just to let you know, you're going to learn fuck all from me.
18:57LAUGHTER
18:58Yeah, you're going to walk out thicker than when you came in.
19:01LAUGHTER
19:02So I hope you enjoy my comedy, but just to make you aware,
19:06I am popular with thick people.
19:09LAUGHTER
19:11So you might have that moment of realisation when you walk out,
19:13you know?
19:14You go, I enjoyed that.
19:15LAUGHTER
19:20I'll be honest, mate,
19:21you look overqualified to be in the audience.
19:23LAUGHTER
19:24You'll be all right.
19:25LAUGHTER
19:28Oh, I do, I love comedy, man.
19:30I love doing that.
19:31I haven't always been a comedian, though, no.
19:33I used to be a carpet fitter.
19:35Cheers.
19:37I weren't just any old carpet fitter, though, no, no, no.
19:40According to my checker trade rating,
19:42I was the 14th best carpet fitter
19:46in the whole Croydon area!
19:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:50Yeah!
19:51He's starstruck, look.
19:53I've just noticed a few people going like that.
19:55I told you it was him.
19:57LAUGHTER
19:59But it was the very first job I had when I left school,
20:02the very first carpet shop I went into,
20:04the geezer gave me a job because he saw something in me.
20:07He did, he looked at me and went, you've got it.
20:09You've got it.
20:10And all my fitters here, they've all got it.
20:12And do you know what they've got?
20:14No qualifications.
20:15LAUGHTER
20:17Because I ain't.
20:19Got none.
20:21Got no GCSEs.
20:22Look, I even failed the exams I thought was gonna be easy, you know?
20:25Like, I failed RE.
20:28Religious education, man.
20:30I couldn't believe it when I found out.
20:32It was like, you failed RE.
20:34I was like, oh, Jason, Christ.
20:36LAUGHTER
20:48I just found school pointless, though, you know?
20:51Pointless lessons teach me pointless skills I didn't need.
20:54Like, I'd be doing gymnastics,
20:56and they'd have some teacher telling me off,
20:58shouting at me, going,
20:59Point your toes!
21:01You know, I don't need to point my toes.
21:02There's no job that requires me to point my toes, you know?
21:05It's not like I'm gonna be, like, an estate agent or something, you know?
21:09As you can see, here's the kitchen.
21:11LAUGHTER
21:17Two bedrooms, you know?
21:19LAUGHTER
21:23As I say, it's nice to be out, innit?
21:25Nice to be out, enjoying the show, having a few drinks.
21:27I'm actually trying to cut back on the drinking lately,
21:29cos...
21:30But basically what it is, I've got two small children, right?
21:32And I'll tell you something about these small children that I've got.
21:34They've got absolutely no respect for hangovers.
21:37LAUGHTER
21:38Little bastards.
21:40I've had a few beers on a Friday night.
21:42Saturday mornings, they're getting me up early.
21:44Like, proper early.
21:45It's still dark.
21:46We're still watching sign language on the news.
21:49LAUGHTER
21:52You can't tell them off, can you?
21:54So I just get up and do what I'm told,
21:56but I just sit there looking at them from the other side of the room,
21:58thinking, yeah, I'll get you back.
22:00Yeah, cos one day they'll grow up, and they'll start drinking,
22:03then I'm gonna do back some of the weird shit they've done to me
22:06when I've been hungover.
22:07I've got it all planned out, right?
22:08What I'm gonna do, I'm gonna wait until I've had a big night out,
22:11then I'm gonna storm into my daughter's bedroom
22:14at six o'clock in the morning,
22:16dressed as Elsa from Frozen.
22:19LAUGHTER
22:22And I'm gonna demand that we make jelly.
22:25LAUGHTER
22:30And then I'm gonna go out to my son's room
22:32and I'm gonna do roly polies on his bed, bollock naked.
22:36LAUGHTER
22:40That's how he likes it.
22:43Put my bum in his face, like...
22:45LAUGHTER
22:52Cos it's hard, modern parenting.
22:54Like, I grew up in the 90s, it was easier for my parents.
22:56Like, with parenting nowadays, there's rules.
22:58Like, I do my kids' packed lunches, right?
23:00With packed lunches nowadays, there's rules.
23:02It's got to be healthy.
23:03It's like no crisps, no chocolate,
23:05a certain amount of fruit and veg.
23:06Like, when I look back,
23:08you could have put ten Benson in my lunchbox.
23:11LAUGHTER
23:13No-one would give a shit.
23:16Like, when I look back on my diet in the 90s,
23:18it just feels like one relentless montage of ham.
23:22LAUGHTER
23:25Shit cheap ham.
23:30Came in a wad.
23:32LAUGHTER
23:34He'd pierce the film when that gas would come out.
23:37LAUGHTER
23:38He fired in the ham!
23:42LAUGHTER
23:43So much of it as well.
23:44Every meal.
23:45Ham sandwiches, ham salads, ham egg and chips.
23:47Like, if my mum had a party, she'd use the same shit ham,
23:50but to make it look a little bit more fancy,
23:52she'd roll it up.
23:54LAUGHTER
23:55Like, people should be impressed
23:57that she spent all her afternoons skinning up ham, just...
24:00LAUGHTER
24:02LAUGHTER
24:04LAUGHTER
24:06LAUGHTER
24:08LAUGHTER
24:10LAUGHTER
24:12LAUGHTER
24:16Some of the shit she used to feed us.
24:19Like, she'd do this thing, right?
24:20If we was going on holiday,
24:21the week before the holiday,
24:23she'd refuse to buy any food.
24:25LAUGHTER
24:26So you have to start surviving off stuff in the freezer.
24:29And then she starts concocting these mental dinners,
24:31like...
24:32Oven chips and Yorkshire puddings.
24:34LAUGHTER
24:36That one fish finger that got loose
24:38and stuck itself to the back of the freezer.
24:40LAUGHTER
24:41LAUGHTER
24:43They dig that off.
24:45It's like, Mum, can't we just buy some food?
24:48Shut up and eat your wedding cake!
24:50LAUGHTER
24:52LAUGHTER
25:01I'll tell you what, though, like,
25:02the 90s feels like a long time ago now.
25:03I'm feeling a bit older.
25:04I'll tell you what's making me feel a bit older.
25:06Like, I don't understand young people any more.
25:08I don't understand what they're saying.
25:09They've got their own little language, ain't they?
25:11No matter where they're from.
25:12They could have, like, a privileged,
25:14middle-class upbringing,
25:16but they all sort of talk like they're gangsters
25:17from the ghetto, innit?
25:18Like...
25:19You don't know what it's like for me growing up
25:21in a semi-detached, man.
25:23LAUGHTER
25:26Man's had to survive on two holidays a year,
25:28you get me?
25:29LAUGHTER
25:32I had one of them come up to me.
25:33I had a gig recently.
25:34He was like,
25:35Oh, you're that comedian, innit?
25:36I've seen your stuff, man.
25:37You are jokes.
25:40I'm not gonna lie.
25:43I was like, where are you from, mate?
25:44He went, Windsor.
25:52I'm not gonna lie.
25:54They love not gonna lie, don't they?
25:55Not gonna lie.
25:56They've abbreviated it.
25:57They put it in their text messages now.
25:59N-G-L.
26:00Not gonna lie.
26:01I didn't know what that was for ages.
26:02I used to work with this young fella,
26:03and he texted me things like,
26:04yeah, I'll be honest,
26:05I'm not gonna make it into work tomorrow.
26:07N-G-L.
26:08And for ages I was like,
26:10does he think I'm called Nigel?
26:12LAUGHTER
26:23But do you know what?
26:24I don't think I'd wanna be young nowadays.
26:25Young people nowadays, they're boring, aren't they?
26:27When I was about 16,
26:29I was out making a nuisance of myself, you know?
26:31They're all in the gym now.
26:34There was these 16-year-olds in the gym the other day,
26:36discussing their diet.
26:38When I was growing up,
26:3916-year-old lads weren't on diets, you know?
26:41That was for my mum and her friends.
26:44They go, weight watchers.
26:46And eat jacket potatoes.
26:49That's all it was.
26:50Tuna, sweet, or jacket potato.
26:52Cheese and beans, jacket potato.
26:54Ham, jacket potato.
26:56So...
27:00But there was this one young lad,
27:01he was so boring, right?
27:02He was talking about his breakfast, right?
27:03He was going, yeah, I had four eggs.
27:07I had four eggs for breakfast.
27:10And I was thinking, mate, sort it out.
27:12Like, when I was 16, if I had four eggs,
27:16I'd throw them at a bus.
27:18LAUGHTER
27:19But I do feel sorry for him growing up in this world, though,
27:28because it's a weird old world out at the moment, isn't it?
27:30Like, you get the impression, don't you,
27:31that everyone's struggling mentally,
27:33but at the same time,
27:34we've never lived in a time of such privilege.
27:36We've never had so many services available to us
27:38we don't even need.
27:39Like, I just think that parallel's mad, isn't it?
27:40Like, everyone's down, depressed, anxious,
27:43but at the same time, if you wanted to,
27:45you could get your anus bleached.
27:54You know, so you might be in a dark place.
28:05So, yeah, man, late 30s now,
28:06and I'm trying to...
28:07I am genuinely trying to cut back on the drinking,
28:09but it's not going well.
28:11Because basically, what it is,
28:12drinking is how I unwind
28:13and haven't found anything to replace it with.
28:14That's the problem.
28:15Like, I spoke to a mate about it,
28:16I asked him how he unwinds
28:17because he doesn't drink
28:18and he said he has a bath.
28:21I was like,
28:22that's not the same as drinking, is it?
28:24Like, you can't imagine being at home,
28:25the missus goes to bed early
28:27and you're like...
28:30That's handy.
28:32I might have a couple of baths.
28:34Well, you can't imagine bumping into an old friend, you know?
28:47Say, hello, mate.
28:49Yeah, give me a call sometime.
28:51We'll have a bath together.
28:52LAUGHTER
28:53But it's a shame, man,
28:54because it's my favourite hobby drinking.
28:55I used to love it.
28:56I used to love a sesh all day, you know?
28:57All day down the pub.
28:58Then someone would have an after-party, you know?
29:00They go, come back to mine.
29:01My missus won't mind.
29:02I'll go back there.
29:03She would mind.
29:04LAUGHTER
29:06But I wouldn't let her stop me, man.
29:08I keep parting on through.
29:09Keep going through to about 7 o'clock in the morning.
29:10Wait for the offer licence to open.
29:12Go back down there, crack on.
29:14Wouldn't even question it.
29:15Fast forward to your late 30s,
29:16I was indoors the other evening about half-8.
29:18And nowadays, half-8 is too late for me
29:20to eat cheese.
29:22LAUGHTER
29:24Can't do late night cheese any more, man.
29:26At half eight, it's too late for me to eat cheese.
29:33Can't do late-night cheese any more, man.
29:35I had a bit of cheese the other night, come out of my house the next day,
29:38my neighbour saw me, he went,
29:39Cor, you look rough.
29:43Been on the packet.
29:46I was like, yeah, mate, Cathedral City.
29:52You know, it's like after a couple of baths.
29:56That's what I'd call it on.
29:58Woke up, next day, I've done three bowls of Ray Dox,
30:01a couple of grams of Parmesan.
30:06Right old session.
30:10Well, come on, you've been absolutely vulnerable.
30:13Thank you very much. Take care. Thank you.
30:24Really good, man.
30:25Here's one other, Jack Stifford.
30:29Now, keep that applause going
30:31and bring on your second act,
30:32raise room for Felicity Ward.
30:46Oh, my God.
30:47Hello. How are you? Are you good?
30:49Yeah.
30:51Hello, my name is Felicity. I'm very, very excited to be here.
30:55I'm Australian but I've lived over here for a long time
30:59and I have just got my British driver's licence.
31:03Thank you. And look, it's great, I'm having a wonderful time
31:07but I just think, as a foreigner, it would be very helpful when we pass our test
31:11if you just give us a couple of tips that aren't on it
31:15but are absolutely imperative to drive in the UK.
31:19So what I would have liked to have happened is he would have given me my licence
31:23and he would have said, congratulations. Well, he wouldn't, he's English.
31:27So he would have said...
31:29And then...
31:31He would have said, just before you get in the car,
31:35do you know about indicators?
31:37And I would have said, yes.
31:39You indicate left to go left, indicate right to go right.
31:42And he would say, do not use them under any circumstances.
31:47They are considered a sign of weakness in our culture.
31:51And then he would say, do you know about mini roundabouts?
31:55And I go, yes. Same principle as a regular roundabout, only smaller.
31:58And he would say, you know what?
32:00They're just some circles that we painted on the ground in 1975.
32:03What I want you to do is approach it like a four-way game of deathly chicken.
32:09I'm talking pedal to the floor, close your eyes, wrong side of the road.
32:13Doesn't matter.
32:14Whoever gets there first wins and whoever gets there second dies.
32:17Now, do you know about using high beams?
32:21And I would say, yes.
32:22When there's no oncoming traffic, no, on street lighting.
32:25And he would say, yes.
32:26And we have also created our own Morse code system,
32:31with which we use to communicate to each other.
32:33So we flash once to say, thank you.
32:36And we flash twice to say, you come forward, I'll wait here.
32:40The road is too narrow.
32:43And we flash 800 times to say, you are in the wrong lane on the motorway, sir.
32:49Please kindly move over to your left.
32:54And finally, he would say, do you know about British country roads?
33:01And I would say, no.
33:04What are they?
33:05Three, four lanes wide?
33:08And he would say, they are the width of a Nissan Micra.
33:15And I'd say, two way?
33:17My God, that sounds hectic.
33:19I'm assuming then, the road is very long and straight, so you can see what is cut.
33:26And he would say, it is hairpin bend, after hairpin bend, after hairpin bend.
33:32Potholes.
33:33No guttering.
33:34No marking.
33:35No streetlights.
33:36Horses.
33:37Tractors.
33:38And it's all set in a hedge maze.
33:40So you can never prepare, visually or audibly, for what is coming at you next.
33:47And I would say, my God, that sounds treacherous.
33:59It must take so long to get anywhere, because surely, under those conditions, I'm assuming, the speed limit.
34:16What is it, 10, 15 miles an hour?
34:21And he'd laugh in my dirty little face.
34:23And I'd say, not 20 miles an hour, and he'd say 60 British miles an hour.
34:28Unless, of course, you're local, then by all means, go as fast as you possibly can.
34:34Tailgate, beep your horn, flash your lights.
34:37They should just have signs that say, speed up or die, potty!
34:44So it is always lovely to arrive alive.
34:49I might, I might have ADHD.
34:52I don't definitely know that.
34:53I don't like to say that I have anything that I haven't been formally diagnosed with.
34:57But there has been some signs.
34:59The first one was in 1999, when I worked for a retired nurse at a cafe.
35:04And two weeks into working there, she said, Felicity, can you have some of my son's Ritalin?
35:09You definitely have ADHD.
35:12And I thought, you know what, let's find this out for sure, for real, if that's the case.
35:17So I went straight to the GP, 24 years later, and I got a referral to get tested for ADHD.
35:24And then I lost that referral.
35:27And then I went back to the doctor, five years later, to get another referral to get tested for ADHD.
35:33And then I also lost that referral.
35:35And I think that's the test.
35:45Now, you have been absolutely delightful.
35:47This has been a wonderful audience.
35:49So I'd like to leave you respectfully on a seven-minute routine on fingering.
35:53Now...
35:58So here is the thing.
35:59I'm doing this gig right, and in the front row is 20 18-year-old boys.
36:03Yuck!
36:04Now, I'm joking.
36:05I love men.
36:06A little bit too much.
36:08I'm a predator.
36:09I...
36:10I wasn't vaccinated as a child.
36:14One of those things is true.
36:15Anyway...
36:16I got whooping cough when I was four.
36:19Mum really showed the government, didn't she?
36:21Anyway...
36:22It's not about her.
36:24Isn't it?
36:25Why else would I be doing stand-up comedy?
36:26Anyway...
36:27I'm joking.
36:28It was Dad.
36:29So I'm doing this gig.
36:30Front row 18-year-old boys, right?
36:32And there's a boy over here.
36:33He's got a pink shirt on.
36:34And the host is making fun of him in a very loving way.
36:37Everyone's having a good time.
36:38He introduces me.
36:39I come out and I pretend that I'm very faux-offended on his behalf.
36:43And I say, do you know what, mate?
36:44If you want to wear a pink shirt, you wear a pink shirt.
36:47Toxic masculinity is bullshit.
36:49You probably drink rosé and finger women at the weekend as a feminist act.
36:56Now, if I had my time again, I would not say fingering.
37:01I would say cunnilingus.
37:04Because no woman is choosing fingering from a straight man.
37:16And what you're hearing there is a lot of women deeply relating to what I'm saying.
37:23And what you're not hearing is the deafening silence of all the straight men going, what?
37:29And these next six minutes are for you.
37:38So I said to him, you probably finger women at the weekend as a feminist act.
37:41Now, I say that and the entire group turn and look at another boy in the group.
37:48All of them, they look at him like this.
37:50They're whispering, they're elbowing each other, they're pointing.
37:53And I'm like, what's going on over here?
37:54And I said, what's your name, mate?
37:56And he said, fingering Pat.
37:58Now, I said, Pat, are you very bad at fingering?
38:03And he said, huh?
38:05If the rumours are true, if the rumours!
38:09Do you know how bad at fingering you need to be at age 18?
38:16That not just the recipient knows, but 19 of your closest friends?
38:23And I said, do you know what, mate?
38:24I'm not even going to do jokes tonight.
38:26I'm just going to give you tips.
38:27He said, please.
38:28He said, please!
38:29And so I am going to tell you those tips tonight.
38:35Hopefully they will be of some use to you and you can take them home with you.
38:40So this is what I told him and I'm going to tell you.
38:43So tip number one.
38:45Can you feel the tension in the room, though?
38:47Can you feel?
38:49You just feel all the straight dudes going, please don't say my signature move.
38:53Please.
38:54Please.
38:55She loves it.
38:56She doesn't.
38:57Number one.
38:58Number one.
38:59Going in and out as hard and as fast as you can is enjoyable to no one.
39:04To no one.
39:05To no one.
39:06To no one.
39:07To no one.
39:08To no one.
39:09Why are you going back?
39:10Why are you trying to get to the back?
39:12Why are you trying to get elbowed?
39:14Like you don't...
39:17If you touch the back, that's a cervix.
39:20It's not for you.
39:21It's for a doctor.
39:22Leave it alone.
39:23Leave it alone.
39:24Yeah?
39:25Rule number two.
39:26If you're a beginner, if you're unsure, spend more time on the outside than you do on
39:31the inside, yeah?
39:32Going inside is a sometimes food.
39:34Yeah?
39:35I don't know if you've ever seen a symphony before, but what is it?
39:38All the way through?
39:39Strings.
39:40Isn't it?
39:41Strings, strings, strings.
39:42Every now and again.
39:43Timpani.
39:44Every now and again.
39:46If you went to the orchestra and it was just timpani, timpani, timpani, timpani, timpani,
39:51Tippity teamwork.
40:03You get up and you would leave and ask for your money back.
40:09True.
40:10Surprise and applause.
40:14Rule number three.
40:17Use your mouth.
40:18Use your mouth.
40:19The hand and the mouth they're a great team.
40:21They look after each other when they're tired.
40:23They cover for each other's mistakes.
40:25The hand in the mouth is the feel-good movie of the year.
40:29It's Batman and Robin.
40:31It's Bonnie and Clyde.
40:32It's Wallace and Gromit.
40:34And if you feel nervous about going down on a woman,
40:37just pop them in, yeah?
40:39You get fresh breath, she gets an Arctic surprise.
40:45Number four.
40:46All the dudes are like, what was number two again?
40:48What was number two?
40:50And all the queer women are smoking a cigar.
40:52They're like, we could have told you this a long time ago,
40:54but go on as you were.
40:55Rule number four, personal choice, stop using your thumb.
40:58You're mashing away down there, it's got no nuance,
41:00doesn't know what it's doing.
41:02It's out of control.
41:03You know what a thumb's good for?
41:04A lighter that you can't get going.
41:06Don't stick that on the most sensitive part of our entire body.
41:10And while we're there, don't do it on the back either.
41:12Just doesn't...
41:14Just because it can go in doesn't mean it has to.
41:17Do you know what fits perfectly into an electrical socket?
41:19A knife.
41:20But we don't...
41:21It's dangerous, isn't it?
41:22We don't do that.
41:23I will finish on this.
41:27Number five.
41:28It's not even a joke.
41:29It's just a public service announcement.
41:31There are two questions that will drastically improve your sex life
41:35if you are not saying these already.
41:37Two questions.
41:38The first one is, is there anything else you would like me to do?
41:41That's all you have to ask.
41:42Is there anything else you'd like me to do?
41:44There's an unsatisfied woman clapping over there.
41:47Thank you!
41:5060 years we've been married!
41:53Not once!
41:54I swear to God, if everyone was asking that question every time we had sex,
42:01within 10 years, no war.
42:04If you were sexually satisfied, you'd go, you know what?
42:08I'll press the nuclear button tomorrow.
42:09We're going to leave it today.
42:11Now, the second question, and this is the most important question
42:15to ask any woman over the age of 35,
42:18because we never got asked this as a teenager.
42:21And the question is, are you enjoying this?
42:26Are you enjoying this?
42:28We never got asked that as a teenager.
42:30Because if we had been, we would have unanimously said,
42:34oh, no.
42:36Please stop, or I will tell 19 of your closest friends.
42:42I have been Felicity Ward, you have been unbelievable.
42:45Thank you so much.
42:46Have a great night!
42:55Ladies and gentlemen, Felicity Ward!
43:00And that brings an end to tonight's show.
43:02Give it up to both Jax and I.
43:04Firstly, Jack Skipper!
43:06And then, wonderfully, Felicity Ward!
43:13It's genuinely a delight of an audience.
43:15It's been lovely to talk to you.
43:16I'm Darren Breen from Life in Apollo.
43:18Goodnight!
43:36And I am happy to talk to you on the show!
43:38I don't know!
43:39I love you, I'm Darren另外 Spear!
43:40No!
43:41I love you, yeah!
43:42I'm having a hug!
43:43I'm happy to talk to you!
43:44But yeah!
43:45I'm happy.
43:46I'm happy.
43:47I'm happy to talk to you.
43:48I'm happy.
43:49I'll be terrified.
43:50I'll be terrified.
43:51I'm happy to talk to you.
43:52I'm happy to talk to you,
43:53you too, I'm happy to talk to you.
43:54And you'll see you later.
43:55I feel so happy to talk to you.
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