Not quite happily ever after

Today is a special day at our house: it's my husband's birthday.

Jack and I have been married 30 years. Can you believe it? Here we are on the day we got married:

Obviously, we were only 12 years old.

Seriously, I never would have thought that 30 years could pass so quickly. So many milestones celebrated together. For 30 years now we've been together for every birthday, every holiday, every celebration. So much to celebrate together!

And for 30 years now we've been together for every bad day, every argument, every illness, every death. So much to suffer together!

Because both the good and the bad are part of life together: the happy and the sad, the peaceful and the angry, the elated and the devastated.

Little girls like fairy tales, most of which begin with "Once upon a time" and end with "they lived happily ever after." Unfortunately, many of us grow up without realizing that real life can't be a fairy tale--not even if we have a handsome prince.  "Happily ever after" isn't reality.

But today, on my dear husband's birthday, I'm thinking that "happily ever after" is close to the truth of a good marriage. Change one little letter and you've got the secret.

How about this?  "They lived happily even after."

In marriage we pledge to love and to cherish one another "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health."

Perhaps you've heard the old joke that goes, "I took her for better or for worse, but she's worse than I ever took her for." Yes. Well, aren't we all?

But by God's grace, we can live happily even after. After sickness, after poverty, after worse difficulties than we ever imagined.

Even after whatever comes our way, whatever we stumble into, and whatever we bring upon ourselves, we can live happily. It's not just another fairy tale.  For we "can do all things through Christ who strengthens us" (Philippians 4:13).

Are you living happily even after?

I'm joining:

Thought-Provoking Thursday with Lyli Dunbar
Tell His Story with Jennifer Dukes Lee
Coffee for Your Heart with Holley Gerth

The best marriage advice ever (or what I wish I'd known 30 years ago)

Today is an important day in the history of my life.  On this day 30 years ago, I was a starry-eyed bride.

I'm stunned even as I write it: my husband and I have been married 30 years.  30 years!!

As we walked down the aisle together, I was absolutely certain we were heading into our very own happily-ever-after.

Boy, did I have a lot to learn.  Thank God, I've had lots of time for learning.

In honor of this special day, I'm going to tell you my secrets to a good, long-lived marriage. This is what I wish I'd known on this day 30 years ago.  The best marriage advice ever.

It's a pretty short list:

1. Learn to forgive.
2. Seek forgiveness.
3. Practice forgiveness.

That's it. Those are the secrets.

Is there a key to a good marriage?  Yes.  Forgiveness is the key.

It seems that I must learn most things the hard way. One thing I've learned is that you shouldn't take marriage advice from someone who's never had marital struggles.  Perhaps that sounds counter-intuitive, but I've learned that it's true. It's quite easy for people whose marriage is all smooth sailing to THINK they know the secrets to a happy marriage. But I've learned that the best training for good sailing is to weather some storms and come out still afloat.

When I was a bride, I thought I knew the secret to a successful marriage. I was reared to strive for perfection in all that I did. I wasn't very good with forgiveness, because I believed that it would be better to avoid mistakes and not ever need forgiveness. I tried hard never to let God or my husband down, and I really thought my hard work would be the key.

I failed. I failed miserably. That didn't stop me from trying again, though, each new effort more valiant than the last. Stubbornly I clung to the thought that my marriage was different, that my husband and I were special. I just knew that God would honor my efforts and that we would be rewarded with an amazing marriage.

I was wrong. Only after my marriage has suffered some major crises have I finally learned.

I am human. My husband is human. We are learning and growing and trying to be like Jesus, but we make mistakes. Sometimes we make really bad mistakes. And over the years, some of our mistakes have deeply hurt us. I've hurt him. He's hurt me.  

But in the midst of the pain, here's what I've learned: With God's help, there is no hurt that cannot heal. There is no sin that can't be forgiven. God is powerful enough to redeem even the most difficult of situations.

That might sound unbelievable, even ridiculous to you.  And without God's help, it IS unbelievable. It's impossible.  Remember Jesus told his followers "Without me you can do nothing" (John 15:5). But we don't have to do it without the Lord; we get to do it with Him.  And the truth is that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13).

Of course, there are times when one person doesn't want to be redeemed. I know that's true, and I'm so sad for people who find themselves in those situations. Sometimes there are spouses who must flee a marriage simply to protect themselves or their children.

But for those of us who have spouses who are willing to work with us, I stand by my list.

1. Learn to forgive.
2. Seek forgiveness.
3. Practice forgiveness.

If I could go back and tell my young self what to expect from marriage, here's what I'd say:

Sometimes marriage will be wonderful.  Other times, marriage will be dreadful.  You will falter. You will fall. You will hurt and be hurt. But with true forgiveness, you can make it.

And my prayer for spouses, today and every day, would be this:

We have not ceased praying for you and asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of God's will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you may lead lives worthy of the Lord, fulling pleasing to him, as you bear fruit in every good work and as you grow in the knowledge of God. May you be made strong with all the strength that comes from his glorious power, and may you be prepared to endure everything with patience, while joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has enabled you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the light.  He has rescued us from the power of darkness and transferred us into the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. (Colossians 1:9-14)

I did not get my happily ever after.  But after 30 years, I can say that I got something even better.

In any marriage, you will not live happily ever after. You will have times of pain of sorrow. But with the Lord's help, "all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well" (Julian of Norwich).

A time of being unplugged

Life can be complicated, can't it?

Work to do.  Children to parent.  Homes to run.  Projects to finish.  It's easy to feel as if every hour of every day is filled to overflowing, with absolutely no time for some really important things.

Like tending to relationships.  Building partnerships.  Celebrating love.

But this past weekend, I put aside everything else and flew off spend the weekend with my sweetheart. You see, Jack's been working in Canada quite a bit lately.  Last week he was working in Toronto; this week he's working in Vancouver.  So instead of his flying to North Carolina for a few hours at home, I flew to Toronto to be with him.

Canada?  In January?  Don't I know that January calls for visits to places like the Caribbean?  Well, yes, I know that.  But Jack wasn't in the Caribbean.  He was in Canada.  And the locale is not nearly so important as the company.

So we walked and talked and laughed and shopped and visited museums and ate wonderful food.  We did touristy things like going to the top of the CN Tower, where Jack snapped this photo of me:

Look at those rosy cheeks!  That's what happens when you walk around Toronto in January!

We even tried taking an iPhone photo of ourselves:

Clearly, we need to get our children to teach us how to do this.

There's one thing I didn't do this weekend, though.  I didn't do anything related to my blog.  To be honest, I didn't really plan that.  In fact, I took my computer with me, but I left in my carry-on bag the entire time I was in Toronto.  It's not that I needed a break from blogging.  It's just that I needed concentrated time with my husband--the kind of time we simply can't have if I'm glued to my computer.

Don't get me wrong.  I love my computer.  I love all the things I can do with it.  But this weekend, it was good for my computer to be nothing more than a weight in my suitcase.

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven (Ecclesiastes 3:1). 

How about you?  Do you ever unplug from one activity in order to plug into another?  I'd love to hear about it!

**I'm sharing this with Amanda at Serenity Now for her Weekend Bloggy Reading party.**

Wall art changes

Finding just the right artwork for our master bedroom has been hard for me.  I want this room to be calm and restful, so I don't want too much on the walls.  For a couple of years I had these pieces hanging above my bed.


Then I decided that I really wanted to use the metal pieces on my new front porch, so I needed something different for above the bed.  But what?

I had bought a couple of cheap prints from a street vendor when Jack and I went to Paris for our 25th anniversary.  I wanted to use these because of their sentimental value and because I think they're pretty, but I'd never had them framed.  I hated to spend a lot of money to frame them when I'd spent so little on the prints.

Then one day I remembered a couple of IKEA frames that I'd stashed in the garage.  Hmmm. . .

Yes!  Perfect fit!

In place above our bed:

Our wedding anniversary is this Friday, June 22.  We'll have been married 27 years.  So it only took me two years to get these framed and in place.  Do you think Jack married me for my efficiency?

Best Valentine's gift

My husband Jack is a gift-giver. Birthdays, holidays, you name it--he always gives me a gift. He has an uncanny ability to give me something, large or small, to make me feel special. This Valentine's Day, though, Jack outdid himself. He chose a gift absolutely sure to please.

When I got home from taking Lee to school, I found a note on my computer saying: "Open iTunes. Click on TV shows. I love you!"

Can you see what's captured in this screen shot? Both seasons of Downton Abbey. Be still, my heart.

And the best part? Jack likes to watch it, too. Thank you, Lord, for giving me a romantic husband!

Did you get anything special for Valentine's Day?

Hello again

Hello friends! I've been out of touch for a week, and I've missed you.

Several people asked how my husband and I celebrated our 25th anniversary. I'm happy to say that this is one occasion that we really did celebrate in a big way! Our marriage has been a journey full of ups and downs, highs and lows. We've persevered through the trials and we are so grateful to have made it to this milestone--so we celebrated!

Besides, I went to Party City recently to pick up a few things, and I noticed that they had a whole section of party goods devoted to 25th anniversaries. I told my husband that any event for which Party City has a dedicated section of merchandise is an event that's worth celebrating.

We went to Paris earlier this month in celebration of this anniversary, but we wanted to do something special on the day. But the day was on a Tuesday, and it just happened to be a day when my husband had to attend a meeting in Chicago. I decided that Anniversary #25 was just too much of a big deal for us not to be together, so I found a cheap airline ticket and flew up to Chicago to join him! I felt very sophisticated, jetting off to join my husband in the big city. Especially fun was going up to the desk at the hotel and saying, "My husband left a key for me."

This was the view from our hotel room:

And guess what? We were on the 25th floor. Room 2502, to be exact. How's that for a 25th anniversary? We had fun walking around the city, and we had a wonderful dinner together. Of course, I had to come home to regular old life the next day, but my day in the city was lots of fun.

So how about you? How do you celebrate special occasions?

Silver

Today is not an ordinary day. Today, June 22, twenty-five years ago, was my wedding day.

The soloist sang that pretty song from West Side Story:

Make of our hands one hand

Make of our hearts one heart

Make of our vows one last vow--

Only death will part us now.

On this day 25 years ago, my true love and I stood before the Lord in the presence of witnesses and made promises. Lots of promises. Promises that, to tell the truth, we didn't know how to keep.

We thought we knew. We felt confident, standing there, that our marriage would be different from other marriages. We were certain that we were well-equipped. Armed with our faith, our dreams, and our incomparable, inestimable love for one another, we just knew that ours would be a marriage free from common problems.

We were wrong.

We've had the common problems. We've had some uncommon ones, too. We thought that keeping our vows to one another would be a fairly simple matter. It turned out to be a very complex matter.

25 years later, we're still learning how to keep those promises we made. We're still making the mistakes that we thought we'd never make. We're still messing things up. After all these years, we're still having to figure out what those vows meant.

But by the grace of God, we're doing it together. We're doing it imperfectly--sometimes painfully--but together.

Make of our lives one life

Day after day, one life

Now we begin, now we start--

One hand

One heart

Even death won't part us now.

--Gratefully Unwrapped with Emily at Chatting at the Sky

I love Paris in the springtime. . .

Not that I've ever been there in the fall, mind you, but it was pretty spectacular in May and early June. A few photos for those of you who have asked:

Notre Dame--love those flying buttresses

breathtaking stained glass at Sainte Chapelle

the Venus de Milo up close and personal at the Louvre

and the Mona Lisa not quite so close

(My husband had me turn my head to the right and my eyes to the left,

just like hers. What do you think?)

The Orangerie, a beautiful little gem of a museum,

where I just stood speechless at the sight of Monet's work.

a little bit of the gardens at Versailles

and a bit more

a shot of the Arc de triomphe at night

and one taken from the Arc de triomphe at night

A kind fellow tourist snapped this of the two of us.

Dear friends from church stayed at our house with our boys while we spent a week in Paris. I'm still pinching myself, wondering if it was just a dream after all.

Now please tell me: do you like to travel? Do you ever go on special trips for special occasions? What's your favorite place to visit?

Mountaintop retreat

George Vanderbilt's mountaintop retreat, that is.

Have you been to the Biltmore in Asheville, North Carolina? If not, you should plan a trip there. Really. You'll be amazed.

Here I am in front of the house. See the red-headed woman in the foreground in the orange top? Yep, that's me. That photo was taken this past Friday, on a weekend trip that my husband and I took. Asheville is about three and a half hours from here, so it's a great place to go for a long weekend.

As we planned this trip, my husband and I realized that it had been nearly two years since we'd spent the night alone together anywhere--unless you count the hospital. We'd spent several nights alone together at Duke Hospital. Incredible room service, I must say, but otherwise not quite what I prefer in a romantic getaway.

This weekend, though--everything about this weekend was just exactly what I prefer in a romantic getaway. Most of all, I have my husband to get away WITH. Believe me, those nights spent in the hospital will make you think. As I reflect upon our journey, I am grateful for a husband who is alive and healthy and who, after 24 years of marriage, still wants to share a romantic weekend with me.

I have been to the mountaintop.

Gratefully Unwrapped with Emily at Chatting at the Sky

Metamorphosis

Kiawah Island, South Carolina

Where my husband and I spent our honeymoon

Susan at Between Naps on the Porch hosts Metamorphosis Monday each week, which is such a fun feature. Today I was going to tell you about a little project I completed recently, but I decided to share something much more personal with you instead.

You see, today is my wedding anniversary. As of this day, my husband and I have been married 24 years. And as I was thinking about metamorphoses (is that the correct plural form?), I couldn't help but think of how I had changed over the past 24 years.

• 24 years ago, I thought I was so mature. I now realize that maturing takes a long time, and I still have a ways to go.
• 24 years ago, I thought I knew pretty much the path my life would take. I now realize that no one ever knows exactly the path her life will take.
• 24 years ago, I thought I knew all about faith in general, and my faith in particular. I now realize that faith is something that is not necessarily (or even ideally) set in stone when one is 21 years old.
• 24 years ago, I thought that marriage was a destination at which I had finally arrived after months of waiting for the "big day." Now I know that what had arrived was just the wedding ceremony--and that marriage is a journey that will take a lifetime to travel.
• 24 years ago, I thought that no one could be more in love with anyone than I was with my husband. Now I know that the love I felt on that day was just a hint of what was to come.

So what has changed? Where has the metamorphosis taken place? I think it's been in my mind and my heart. I am so grateful that I have changed. I was not a bad person 24 years ago, but I have changed a great deal. And I am still changing. My desire is to change more and more--to become more like Jesus, more full of the spirit of God. I am grateful that, for 24 years now, through better and worse, through richer and poorer, through sickness and health, my darling husband has helped me to change into the person I am becoming.

Golden Occasion

I've heard that a person's "golden birthday" is the birthday of the year number that falls on the day of the same number. For instance, my birthday is on September 5th, so my golden birthday was my fifth birthday. Next year my oldest son will be 17 on May 17, so that will be his golden birthday. Kind of cool, isn't it?

Well, last Friday Jack and I celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary on June 22nd. So I figure this was our golden anniversary. I know, I know--"Golden Anniversary" is a special term reserved for the 50th anniversary, but it seemed to me that the 22nd on the 22nd deserved special recognition, too.

So we celebrated. I have to say that I think we're better at celebrating things now than we were 22 years ago. Jack was in Manhattan working, so I joined him there. It was so exciting to fly to New York and to do very New Yorkish (or is it New Yorky?) things. One evening we went to the swanky bar at the W Hotel and then on to a very cool restaurant, Asia de Cuba. Another night we went to an early dinner at Bond 45 and then to the Lyceum Theater to see Inherit the Wind with Christopher Plummer and Brian Dennehy. (This was so exciting for me; I had never been to a New York play before. And yes, I kept hearing Christopher Plummer say, "And I am the head of the family von Trapp, am I not?") Then on the last day we went for a picnic in Central Park, went shopping, and went to another wonderful restaurant, Rosa Mexicano. Wow.

But the biggest "wow" for me, I think, was realizing that, as of this anniversary, I've been married half my life. A little more than half, actually, since I won't turn 44 for a couple more months. And while the things I did during the first half of my life seemed so significant at the time, it's really the things I've done in the second half that have been most important. It's amazing to have lived with someone for so long, to have experienced the birth of three children, the death of two parents, 10 moves (five different states!), three dogs, hundreds of friends.

There's a song from the musical RENT called "525,600 Minutes": have you heard it? It asks how one measures a year, which includes 525,600 minutes. Jack and I have now lived together more than 11,563,200 minutes. That's almost more than I can count. It reminds me of one of my favorite childhood hymns, a little song by Johann Hey.

Can you count the stars of evening
That are shining in the sky?
Can you count the clouds that daily
Over all the world go by?
God the Lord, who doth not slumber
Keepeth all the boundless number:
But He careth more for thee,
But He careth more for thee.

Can you count the birds that warble
In the sunshine all the day?
Can you count the little fishes
That in sparkling waters play?
God the Lord their number knoweth;
For each one His care He showeth.
Shall He not remember thee?
Shall He not remember thee?

Can you count the many children
In their little beds at night?
Who, without a thought of sorrow,
Rise again at morning light?
God the Lord, who dwells in heaven,
Loving care to each has given.
He has not forgotten thee;
He has not forgotten thee.

Golden, indeed.