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Caroline Horwitz

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Caroline Horwitz

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Dec 3, 2024

What Do You Mean I Can’t Bring My Toddler to Your Adults-Only Resort?

Brynnleigh and I will not stand for this blatant discrimination

Image shows crying toddler in foreground and romantic beach resort with pool and couple beneath hut at sunset in background.

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The Belladonna Comedy

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Caroline Horwitz

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May 29, 2024

I Don’t Mind Women in the Gym’s Weight Area, But They Should Never Outnumber Men

The ladylike thing for them to do is wait until there’s a lull

Image shows young woman and man in athletic wear lifting a large barbell together in a gym. The wall behind them is full of windows with view of mountains.

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Caroline Horwitz

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Aug 22, 2024

I’m a Regular Guy Who’s Sick of Being Villainized for My Secret Second Family

This has all just been really hard on me, ok?

Image shows older man looking frustrated and upset while drinking whiskey from a tumbler while bottle of whiskey sits on a table in the foreground.

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Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

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Caroline Horwitz

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Apr 2, 2024

Realistic Responses to Suggestive Song Lyrics

Nelly: It’s gettin’ hot in here (so hot) / So take off all your clothes. Me: Or you could just let me turn the thermostat down.

Woman wearing lingerie and holding wineglass sits near piano by candlelight

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Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

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Caroline Horwitz

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Sep 20, 2024

I Will Die in This Starbucks Drive-Thru Before I Stoop to Going Inside

You expect me to walk in on my legs? Like a Luddite?

Image shows iconic green and white Starbucks sign reading “Drive Thru” against a bright blue sky background, viewed through the front windshield of a car. Foreground shows blurred, dark silhouette of car’s interior, including seat, visor, and steering wheel.

In

Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

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Caroline Horwitz

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Oct 9

Interview with the Vampire: HireVue Edition

With apologies to Anne Rice

Photo shows laptop open on chair, displaying screen with split images of digital art of vampire teeth and AI bot symbol

In

MuddyUm

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Caroline Horwitz

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Jun 5

The “Wear Sunscreen” Commencement Speech, as Delivered by Donald J. Trump

With apologies to Mary Schmich

Image shows group of six young adults in graduation ceremonial gowns throwing their caps into the air.

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Caroline Horwitz

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Jun 3

The Press Will Have a Field Day. Please Volunteer Your Time for It!

Or consider donating 100 filled water balloons

Image shows young boy in park participating in an event with hula hoop surrounded by additional drawn images of news reporters holding microphones.

In

Doctor Funny

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Caroline Horwitz

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May 25

Hills I’d Probably Die On

“Really? This is the hill you want to die on?” No, but I probably will anyway.

Image shows safety sign reading, “Absolutely No Entry — Active Landslide” on fence blocking access to seaside cliff.

In

Doctor Funny

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Caroline Horwitz

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Apr 23

Realistic Alternatives to Take Your Child to Work Day

Take your child to the home office/guest room/elliptical machine room

Image shows two young children dressed like adult professionals and seated a desk with computer and phone.

Caroline Horwitz

Caroline Horwitz

Caroline is a humor writer from Pittsburgh. You can read more of her work at carolinehorwitzwriting.com. She hates writing bios but enjoys reading them.

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