Have him say goodbye to the cat but don’t have him present for the euthanasia.

We just had to put the family dog down. She was sick for a while, and I kept my 4 year old in the loop as much as possible. Shortly after we found out she wouldn’t last long we sat him down and told him she has cancer, which is a sickness and very hard to fight, and Daisy just can’t fight it anymore and will die soon. He was upset, he cried, tried to cuddle with her (she hated him but tolerated him well) and was very open about his feelings which is exactly what we wanted.

When it was time he helped me dog a hole for her next to the barn, he demanded to go with her to the vet when we put her down, but opted to wait in the waiting room with a nurse which was a great call, when we brought her home I tried to get him to go inside with my wife for a few minutes so I could get some dirt on her before he helped me fill in the whole, but he was not having that. He wanted to be apart of it, he wanted to see her one last time, he wanted to throw the first bit of dirt and helped me will in the entire 4 foot deep hole. He cried, he cracked some jokes, he sat with her for a while and really processed. I told him that she’ll eventually turn into soil and help the nearby plants grow, kind of like our compost, and he asked if we could plant some flowers where we buried her.

He was apart of the process through almost every step and it was always his choice. It was certainly a lot but he handled it beautifully and really did a better job at processing then me and my wife.

He brings her up in a cheerful manor, he shows people the flowers when they come over. Every once in a while he’ll find one of her toys and either want to give it to our other dog or put it by her spot.

He had a hard time grasping that she wasn’t coming back but I think the flower/compost thing really helped him understand.

I don’t know if it was the right way to go about it, my wife disagreed with me at first and said we should do it when he’s at his grandparents and have her already buried but I was very adamant that he should be apart of it. I feel like it was a good call and he told us when it was too much and he needed a break.

Just went through this but more suddenly. We had the kids present and I had to tell them at the vet how things were going to go. We let them bewith the cat for awhile, hug her, tell her goodbye, and then had them wait outside the room during the injection. Once that was done we let them see her if they wanted.

Each child reacted and has handled it differently. Our oldest had a strong relationship with the kitty. Slept together at night, spent time together during waking hours. Furry little BFF. My oldest is having a really hard time. My younger two aren’t having as hard a time. Partly the connection, but also partly the age. It’s hard for a few days, but then they bounce back. The younger they are the less the death makes sense or impacts them on a daily. So they may ask about the cat, and they may cry a few times. But overall, the little ones don’t fully get it. They may even say things that could be taken as insensitive but for their age. Honestly, you may have the harder time as the adult if you care about the cat.

I actually don’t think you are allowed to put down kids.

Feeling with you, stranger friend!

Serious tip: don’t traumatize your child by making it over the top traumatic and they’ll be fine!

Your instinct is correct, kids have an amazing grasp on life and death.

I had and have the same topic with my back then three year old. I won’t go into details but death is a topic for quite a while now.

Be open, be honest and don’t shy away from translating it to his level: If he had a favorite toy that got destroyed it’s an emotional connection he can make for example.

One important thing for me to point out though because it caught me as a shock: true empathy is impossible for a kid that age. Meaning: the chance is high that hell say something that will be completely out of the blue or shocking - expect it and don’t be too harsh please, even when he’ll manage to trigger something ❤️

Such sad times! I’m so sorry for your loss. We had a cat and a dog die when our kids were young (4&2yo when the cat died, 5&3 for the dog). It was really hard! Especially since both pets had been with me for almost 20 years… both were a big losses. We talked about it with them once it was clear that they were on their way out. We tried to keep it age appropriate and simple, but very matter of fact, no euphemisms, etc. When the time came that we decided to euthanize, we gave the kids the option if they wanted to come or not (both to the vet, and then to stay with the pet until the end). Both times, they chose to stay, and then we went out for ice cream and talked about it all a bunch, kinda trying to follow their lead whenever they wanted to talk about it. I would definitely do the same again in the future…explain what’s going to happen, what it’ll be like, then give them the option. It was hard, especially because at their ages they were also pretty focused on my response, but also it seemed like it gave them a pretty good grip on the whole thing. Maybe a sense of closure? They were sad, but it felt like healthy sad, definitely not traumatizing or anything.

ive had 4…

At 4yo mine were able to understand the finality… you dont need to great detail about death… but the temporary nature of life is not terribly hard to grasp. I was always of the mind that you should answer any question asked truthfully… but obviously age appropriate.

i always found i was making a bigger deal of %concept% than was necessary

also… its gunna suck… youre going to feel your own pain as well as theirs

I lost my nan when I was 10, older, but I was still a kid with kid level processing. All I wanted was someone to help me process what had happened, talk about it, so I could work through the feelings. Talk about her and all we did together to feel a connection in how I felt, both in enjoying her company, throughout the years and how empty it felt without her.

When our family cat died, I sat down outside with my kids, aged 8 and 11, and we painted offcuts of wood, in representations of her, and talked about all the joy she brought, the fun times, the silly things. Then we lit a fire to say goodbye and I bought the kids packets that turn colours in the flames and let them all throw one in each, while saying whatever they wanted, or nothing. It was a lovely afternoon. We kept all the paintings. They turned out beautifully.

The moment passes quickly. The processing after, that’s what’s most important. Just be there for the questions, take time with it, don’t feel rushed to answer, walk the path of grief, together.

It’s a painful but very important life lesson. There is no age too early to learn about the facts of death, despite what modern culture might suggest. The human psyche is in fact prepared to handle this shock, even at that age, given proper support. It sounds like you’ve got the support aspect nailed. Just be prepared to answer and comfort and be honest. IMHO. IANA Pediatric psychologist, just an internet stranger.

We unfortunately had a more traumatic experience for our kids when my first cat, Luna, died. I found Luna in the basement under the workbench, unconscious and barely breathing. My wife held Luna in her lap while the kids (2 and 4 at the time) got to pet her and say goodbye. Luna died while we were all petting her. Our 4 year old was extremely upset for weeks after, and we ended up getting her a cat stuffy that looked like Luna to help her cope. Our younger kid has zero memory of it happening.

All of this is to say, I would not recommend having your 4 yo present, but do give him the chance to say goodbye in his own way and make sure he understands that your cat will be gone forever.

We had to put down our neighborhood conglomerate appropriately named Tuvix when my son was four. We didn’t do any of that paradise-farm-fairytale-BS. We were honest about why, and explained it to him.

Kids are resilient and adaptable, even if something sad happens. I find that honesty goes a long way.

He wasn’t present at the vet, we told him a after the fact (He knew that Tuvix was ill).

Talk to him about it, let him say bye, but don’t bring him. I was 10 and my brother was 6 when our dog was euthanized. I was brought along but left in the car, and my brother found out when he came home from our grandparents’. I wouldn’t say either of us are traumatized. Just very sad, for a few weeks.

I’m sorry about your cat. I would suggest scheduling it while your son’s at school, and talking to him in plain language to explain what happened. Don’t say that the cat is now living at a farm or other euphemisms, but instead be as clear as you can be to explain that the cat’s body stopped working and that the cat’s not coming home. Explain that that’s what happens to all living things when they get old and/or really really sick.

There is a book, Little Cat, Big Cat which you could get from the library to read to your son, but it’s very emotional and when I read it after our cat died, made me cry during story time.

We just went through this too. I was honest and told him kitty was old and hurting, and that he was going to die and we were going to miss him. I told him to pet him and snuggle him and to say goodbye because he would be gone soon, and we wouldn’t see him again. I told him about death being the end of a life but I don’t think it entirely sank in. Kiddo asked a few times afterwards where the kitty was, and I reminded him that he died. I got an “oh” and sometimes “I miss [kitty]”, to which I respond with “me too” and sharing a happy memory. Definitely explain what is happening.

On another note, there are services which will come to your house for pet euthanasia. It makes it a much more peaceful experience for the pet, because they are comfortable and relaxed. I highly recommend looking for a local service like that, search “at home pet euthanasia” for your area.

Ask at your local bookstore or library. A good story in a beautifully painted children’s book can help your son to process his feeling’s, by supplying words and metaphors he can use to talk about his grief.