The Illusion Of Safety
Important Note: it appears we have reached this point in humanity where it’s necessary to say that all parts of this were created by a human being and AI had no parts in it. Every iota of brilliance is mine. As well as all the weird AF examples, typos and annoying run-on sentences. Thank you for reading from this human writer :).
Picture this
You’re on your way home from school, you stayed really really late in the library because you were trying to make sure you have the perfect finish for your midterm essay.
It’s dark but the street lights are on so you feel fine. You feel safe and so you walk.
You walk home.
it’s only fifteen minutes.
And, of course you share your location with your friends because that’s what you do.
And, of course you only put one of your earplugs in.
Of course you’re constantly twisting your head in a 360° angle, turning about like an owl, making sure your surroundings are safe.
Of course you only stay on the side of the road that all the lights are working.
Of course you make sure that you are alert,
that you’ve got your hands around your keys,
that you’re walking brisk but not running because you can’t show your fear.
No, you can’t.
Of course
Of course
Of course, you try to be safe.
He comes out of nowhere.
You have no idea how suddenly there’s someone behind you and he’s walking so fast. You pick up your pace. You keep subtly looking back. You turn off your music altogether. You try to seem calm like someone that’s just got somewhere to be but not someone that’s got anything to be afraid of.
Because remember, you can’t show fear. You know they feed on your fear. You don’t want to draw his attention.
So you try to keep breathing,
you walk briskly,
keep an eye out,
you fumble for your phone to call your friend so you could talk because that keeps you safe.
And of course you always try really hard to be safe and so you keep walking.
Suddenly, he turns a sharp left and he walks in a different direction. You release such a big breath.
You didn’t even realise how scared you were or how much your body had clenched or how exhausted you were starting to feel, looking back and looking forward, your eyes starting to burn and a headache growing from the base of your skull.
You’re dizzy and a bit shaky but you breathe because you’re finally in front of your door. You unlock it and go in,
“hey baby”, you say to your boyfriend of four years “I’m home”.
“Hi sweetheart” he greets. The day is over, you go to bed.
You wake up the next day. You go to school. You go to the library and make sure you’re in a crowded place. You make sure you can see all the exits.
You’re still a bit shaken, but it’s just a regular Tuesday.
You leave a bit earlier today because you wanna be safer.
You make sure you only stay on the residential side of the road so people can see you. You make sure to send your location to your friends and make sure that only one of your ear buds are plugged in.
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You try to be safe.
And then you get home…
“Hi baby,” you say, “I’m home.”
“Shut the door behind you.” He responds.
“Come here,” he says in such a soft tone but somehow sends chills down your spine.
You’re confused.
It happened so fast.
Of course no one has your location because you’re home.
Of course none of your ear buds were in, you’re home.
Of course you didn’t look around searching for danger BECAUSE you’re home.
Of course you didn’t tighten your fist around your keys because you’re home.
Of course you didn’t pick up your pace.
Of course you didn’t run.
Of course you didn’t scream.
I mean, It’s Brad and you’re at HOME.
Of course you’re safe
The issue with being told to be careful when you’re out there is that it never accounts for the monsters that lurk when you’re indoors.
All we’ve been taught since we could walk, is how to be safe. The tips and tricks get switched up every time a new safety concern rises, but the essence remains the same. Don’t trust a man, they’re only going to get what they want from you and leave you hurt after. Yet, we cover our drinks, and we’re being paranoid. We say, no, don’t pick me up from my house and we just need to chill. We smile when asked for our numbers while politely trying to think of a way to escape, and we’re being difficult.
Yet, we still have close friends and partners to fear. So, we keep only girlfriends. We stay indoors, we stay single, we quit the crowded gyms and late night movies and all the other things. We say, you can have it all.
And yet!!!
YET!!!
yet.
…more than half (56.1%) of female victims were raped by an acquaintance, more than 1 in 3 (39.3%) by an intimate partner, about 1 in 6 (16.0%) by a family member, about 1 in 8 (12.1%) by a stranger, 1 in 10 (9.6%) by a brief encounter, and 1 in 25 (4.0%) by a person of authority… *
It is a different kind of weary when you have an enemy that could look like the love of your life and worst still, when they strike that killing blow, you’re never meant to feel betrayed. We cannot hate all men despite what men have done to us and repeatedly taken from us. We still have to live, side by side with them, every single day and hope that the ones we know might not be the same ones that hurt us.
Even just writing this, someone is going to say I’m being melodramatic and ask if I don’t have good male friends or a brother or a father. As if that’s the point. As if all the men I’ve been burnt by haven’t once been close friends. As if that wasn’t what made it sting the most. As if that wasn’t what held my tongue.
Because those same people would ask,
Why did you trust him?
You should have been more careful
You know how men are
And yet,
And yet,
And yet…
I know it is increasingly hard to have faith and keep moving in climes like these. Particularly as a woman but we have to. We can’t give up, we cannot go silently into the night. We can be tired, we can be exhausted, we can be oh so angry, and we can be teary and sad. But we can never stop. And we might not succeed for ourselves, we must keep going for future generations.
Until next time when I hopefully bring you kinder musings. Stay strong warrior and remember,
Try you must.
*Source: Basile, K.C., Smith, S.G., Kresnow, M., Khatiwada S., & Leemis, R.W. (2022). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: 2016/2017 Report on Sexual Violence. Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
