Death of A Friendship
Important Note: it appears we have reached this point in humanity where it’s necessary to say that all parts of this were created by a human being and AI had no parts in it. Every iota of brilliance is mine. As well as all the weird AF examples, typos and annoying run-on sentences. Thank you for reading from this human writer :).
People talk a lot about how when you have a friendship breakup, it becomes clear after a while that this person wasn’t who you thought they were. When you lose the proximity and access to them, they become almost alien in the way you perceive them. Almost like, “how was I ever friends with this person”, and “I’m glad I no longer have to put up with this”, and overtime, the hurt fades replaced by some sort of ambivalence towards the situation.
However, one thing I’ve always wrestled with and wondered if anyone else did, is the pain of losing that version of them you loved. Let me try to explain.
You have a friend you’ve known for over 5 years, during that time, you’ve picked up their quirks, the things they enjoy, what media types and examples they like etc…
When you see certain things in the wild, you’re used to thinking of them and then telling them about it and seeing what they say. Things like “oh, that shade of pink is so your colour”, or “that is so you to say that”, or even saying things just as they say it because you just know that’s what they would say. So now, you have the huge knowledge base for this person. Then you become estranged and suddenly, that person no longer exists. Either because that friend changed so much or because some of it was a figment of your imagination or even because your lack of access means you can no longer engage with them and that version of them only ever existed because of you.
It’s almost like a death in some way.
Your thoughts become, “oh, they would have loved this” or “I wonder what she would have thought about this”, and even sometimes you go “oh, they would find this hilarious, let me send it to them” before remembering, “oh wait, they’re no longer there”. Almost like you would, a dead person. Because for all intents and purposes, they are.
You still see the human being, but you don’t recognise them. This person is just a body carrying the face of your loved one and that for me, is what hurts the most.
There’s a saying “grief is just love with nowhere to go” and I think it’s even more apt with living people than it is with the actual dead. Because with a dead person, you actually can grieve. You can mourn them and you can move on. But with a friend that you have such a wealth of knowledge on to become this stranger that you barely recognise, there truly is nowhere for the love to go. All the inside jokes, the shared experiences, the innate ways of communication, all gone. Almost like it never existed. Almost like, they never existed.
And worse still, you can feel the version of yourself that only existed because of them completely disappear too. You no longer tell “knock knock jokes” because you only ever started it to annoy them and now, no one has that same reaction to it. You don’t care to listen to that artist that you both belted the lyrics of their songs because at first it hurts too much but now you realise you don’t even like the music. You only cared because it was “your thing”. You wonder if they kept their share of the shells you guys have spent 5 years collecting while having to throw yours out because it’s now incomplete. You are no longer the person who like to share a sandwich or walk on a particular side of the road or stay up late or fry eggs with cumin or the million other things you did just because, “my friend does it too”. And sure you’ll discover so many other parts of you, that’s just what being a human is. But you’ll never find your way back to that person, not really. And they would never exist again, not truly.
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So, I think friendship heartbreaks are painful for a million obvious reasons but I think this silent one, this quietly miserable one, is the most painful of all. But it is also the most beautiful of all.
You got to find this version of you that you might never have known without this other person. And you also got to experience another human in this way that would never have existed without you. For the briefest of moments, you got to experience what being someone’s other half was and see the world through the lenses of the human that they made you become, because of their presence.
It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
Now, you get to know that you have this beautiful special soul within you and that you are capable of touching another being in such a profound manner.
So, yes, it hurts.
Yes, you would probably lose parts of yourself you’d never find again. But my oh my, think of all you stand to gain. I know the impulse is there to close yourself off and never make a friend like that again. The urge is there to lock your heart tight and never extend your soul to another like that again. I know it is for me.
But think how bland the world might be if clams didn’t filter the sand to create the most beautiful pearls that we get to have now. If silkworms didn’t keep spinning against all odds. If the sun stopped rising because of an eclipse. I’m not making much sense anymore but you get my drift.
There’s so many beautiful things we get to enjoy not just due to hardwork but due to the desire to keep creating beauty despite how painful or difficult it might be. So, if only for that reason, for all that the world stands to benefit from those wonderful versions of you yet to be seen, please open yourself. Allow your heart be filled and your soul to become entangled with the joys of friendships.
And it would be incredibly hard but surely, we have to try. We have to give it all we got again and again. And we get to add all those different versions of ourselves to the ever growing tapestry that is who we are.
This is what I felt compelled to share with you today. Till next time my dears when I bring you more musing from my mind. In the meantime, remember,
Try you must.
