Day 2
Sleep and its discontents
I had an appointment with my podiatrist today, a sweet woman at the VA who she said my broken foot was completely healed and she mentioned that my on-going limp was possibly neurological, i.e. nerve related. She mentioned nerve damage. I hope, no pray, she’s correct though I don’t expect her to be. Whatever the case, she was the first doctor I saw at the VA and I’m thankful for her continued referrals. I loaded up on salt last night and again tonight so hopefully that will help my orthostatic blood pressure, which I am not sure I have an issue with though suspect it — due mainly to my inability to reach deep sleep despite using a muscle-relaxer (Baclofen — which I stopped using after a few nights), and now a powerful sedative — Hydroxyzine. I take melatonin but that hasn’t benefited at all. I am quite leery of these medications to help my otherwise impeccable sleep. Evidently, sleep troubles are one of the first early signs of neurological disease, as is daytime sleepiness, though falling asleep during the middle of the day is impossible for me. My problem is that I am not getting deep, mentally restorative sleep which means I’m mentally fatigued within a few hours of waking. Sleep, or lack thereof, and the ability to nap must be intertwined with the dopamine system, of which I know mine is broken. I know it must be because I took 4 grams of dried psilocybin mushrooms the other night and I literally only had a slightly gurgly belly. Maybe they are too moldy and old, but I at least expected some kind of affect and nothing — aside from the gastric distress, which wasn’t all that bad as a matter of fact.
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Nothing seems to have any effect on me nowadays: cold swim, sauna, coffee, breathing exercises, exercise — nothing. And it is horrible, perhaps the worst thing that I’m experiencing, worse than my speech problems, my swallowing issues, my gait issues, and my inability to hand write.
Nothing is worse than sleep deprivation, nothing: sleep, o blessed sleep, where art thou? But not to despair, now I’m getting tired. You see, I sleep when it’s right and good to sleep, when it’s appropriate, but the deep sleep remains beyond my grasp.
