Day 4
A fine day, if not for the rainy conditions. I undertook it in the usual fashion: wake, take my supplements, measure my blood pressure, then I’m out the door to have a coffee and walk the dogs in the park. Then, again as usual, I’m off to the gym where my strength on various machines was good, as was my metabolic conditioning on the assault bike and rowing machine, so again I’m at a loss to explain my current health troubles. I wrapped it up with 20 minutes of sauna, followed immediately by 10 minutes of cold swim, ending with 10 minutes in the sauna, then back home to feed the dogs and myself, usually salmon (raw), three hot dogs with cheese, avocado, a few more supplements, and salt with water. That’s when I normally get my sun exposure (1 hour), but not today because of the rain.
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I had a pleasant conversation with my daughter and ex-wife via text. The ex is glad I’m going to be close to family and health care of a big city and my daughter is downright excited — excited that she has an even greater excuse to visit Texas where she will see me, her grandmother, her aunt and uncle and 2 cousins. (The full ramifications of the divorce have not yet hit her — at least I don’t think, at least I kind of don’t hope so — her pictures post-divorce have all been smiles and fun, though she could be masking.)
I am still very much in shock that my life has been turned inside out and thrown upside down because of this disease, whatever it is. Only 3 months ago I was still “married” and 4 months ago I was still living in the house — “my house” that I love with a view of Little Lagoon and all the light that it boasted in all areas of the house, mostly year-round. I got along with my neighbors, my dogs loved it there, and I had my grills and chest freezer where I had access to cold water whenever I wanted.
Now I’m in an apartment in which we used to live here in Gulf Shores and I’m going to Texas (in two and a half weeks) to live in another apartment in which we, as newlyweds, used to live (on two different occasions) at a time when we were still truly in love. It’s as if I’m living my life in reverse for we did live with my mother for a time as well and I’m putting off going there as long as my health will let me because when I go live with my gracious mother, it is only a small step to the nursing home in which I will die. My mother is 71 and has already gone through this entire cursed downward progression with my father — who died early at 53. As for the particular nursing home in which I will die, I have chosen the Bonham VA nursing home in, of course, Bonham, Texas. There are worse places to live out one’s last years, I suppose, though I shudder at the thought. I am so young — 41, and the symptoms roused when I had just turned 40 — I am so young! Dear God, there’s so much more I want out of life: a wife, more children, more mountians to climb and cities to visit. God! I am so young. This can’t be happening to me! Anyone else than me: I fast 1 day a week, I eat an all-animal product diet (minus the avocadoes of course), work out intensely, cold swim and alternate with sauna every day, get ample sun exposure and do my best to surround myself with the outdoors and beauty as much as I can. I read poetry and pray daily. Why me? Why am I so cursed with this condition?!?! What evil have I done, really? What unrepentant sin have I not searched my heart for and begged the Holy Spirit to bring to light. This can’t be my last few ‘good’ days. Can it? No — it simply cannot, it can’t.
