Regret
I took pride in saying “there is nothing I have regretted” until recently. Since 2023, I have been on an emotional roller coaster, feeling unsafe even though I’ve been surrounded by people who supposedly love me or wish me well. In 2026, I decided to get back to therapy as I had been feeling like I had to justify my right to breathe, let alone live with my own opinions. Through therapy, I learned how everything I went through, well, not everything, but most of it, was caused by societal expectations indoctrinated by those around me. I learned that I had been feeling out of breath, suffocating because what society was expecting of me did not agree with me, and after an initial therapy back in 2021, my body, mind and soul tasted freedom and peace. The lesson caught me off guard. All of a sudden, I could recall memories I had repressed for various reasons, I suppose and just before going to sleep, it hit me.
Regret hit me!
I began regretting not being mentally strong enough to say “no”, to feel impacted by someone’s comment “you’re so difficult”, or by expectations of how I should behave, especially in relationships. I regret that I could have loved who I’ve been sooner and accepted others' behaviour because I mistook it for love. I regret that, instead of standing by my true beliefs, I allowed those around me to influence me to doubt myself. And I regret that because of all that, I now have regrets.
My life could have been different. My mental health would have been different.
Unfortunately, there is no resolution with those who imposed this regret on me, because their defence would be “you chose that” with no regard for the fact that their influence was a contributing factor. No regard that if I went another way, then they would be cold and spiteful because I was stubborn and different.
So now I have to live with that regret.
However, I don’t have to hate it. It’s not easy, nor does it come with a manual. I decided that distance is the best weapon, solitude and ‘loneliness’ to help me navigate the regrets and how I choose to handle them.
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No amount of academic education would have prepared me for this. Alas, they turned me into one of their own: full of spite towards others. However, I choose to live differently.
I choose Peace.
And that is the journey I am on.
