???
you tell me you love me, but if you really did, you wouldn’t have done this.
i’ve always known, deep down, that there might come a time when you’d act this way. but i never expected i’d be the one to find out with my own eyes… and certainly not this soon. i don’t know how long you’ve been like this and honestly, i know that if i hadn’t asked, you wouldn’t have told me on your own. again. i’ve always believed that someone who truly loves me would never do something like that. it might sound simple, but believe me that i have always, with all my heart, trusted in that idea. i’m exhausted, i’m tired of crying. my days are already heavy enough without this pain. and i keep wondering, what if the roles were reversed? w
what if i did to you exactly what you did to me, right in front of you?
we both know i’d be wrong. you’d hold it against me forever.
yet here i am, showing you that i’m still upset, still confused, still hurt and all i get is, “i’m tired too when you act like this. i promise i won’t do it again.”
do you understand how empty those words sound after the damage is already done? you know how hard it is for me to trust anyone. and now? because of what you did, i feel completely unvalued, like my trust meant nothing to you. iwas the one who decided never to trust people easily. but when it came to you, i made an exception. i pushed myself, just once, to trust someone i love, even if i’m not always good at showing it but at least i never went behind your back. you are the only man i’ve ever sought validation from. not even my own father ever gave me that.
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so if you ask whether i’ve given up on whatever is left of our relationship… maybe.
possibly.
i don’t know.
and if you wonder why i seemed “quick to forgive” the other day, trust me, deep down, i didn’t. i just swallowed it because i’m too tired to keep fighting. but inside, i feel worthless in your eyes, worth so little that you still have to look at half-naked girls online. if i’m not what you want, then go and find what you do want. don’t date me just because i’m your “first love.” i’m human too. and this… it haunts me.
wish i could hug you and cry and also punch you until i’m done.
it’s ridiculous, isn’t it? the thought of holding close the very person who’s hurting me.
