unspoken secrets
You say you’re in love with me, but why did you kiss another woman and slept with her?
Tell me, when I find out about all of this, that I’m just dreaming. You told me that I was your first love, and you knew about my trust issues, yet you still chose to do it. Why? Why did you go behind my back? You said, “Because if I have a girlfriend, I’ll prioritize her.” But we were already liking each other, weren’t we?
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I don’t understand why you couldn’t wait for me like I waited for you. I know how painful waiting can be because I lived it. But there you were, kissing her, sleeping with her, while I stayed here, patiently waiting for you without any guarantee, without any certainty. Every night, I went to bed with a heavy heart, the image of her face haunting me, replaying what you both did over and over in my mind.
You might call it retroactive jealousy, but can you really blame me? What you did — does it help to heal the trust issues I’ve been carrying for so long? I try to stop thinking about it, to let go, but it’s not easy. Especially when you touch me — when you hold my hand, kiss my hand, my arm, or my head. In those moments, I feel warmth, but I also feel disgust because I can’t help but remember that you touched her, you kissed her, you shared things with her that were supposed to be mine to share with you. How do I reconcile that?
All of my experiences, all my feelings, everything I shared with you, is it all just one-sided? You were my first love, and I gave you all of me, but when it came to you, was I just another step in your journey? Were all my hopes and feelings truly as meaningful to you as you said they were? Or did I just become a part of the story you already started with someone else?
Tell me, is this really what it means to be your first love? To give someone all your trust, all your love, and share everything with them, only to watch them walk away and share those same things with someone else? And now, I can’t help but wonder — was I just part of your story, a chapter in your life that you quickly turned the page on? Was everything we shared, every moment, really as meaningful to you as you said, or was I simply another person you passed through on your way to someone else?
