Day 78
I keep starting this post and stopping. and deleting and rewriting and hating it all. I’m not clear. I can’t communicate right now. I’m depressed. The experts: the wife and shrink, think that I’m just crashing because there has been too much going on the last few months to get adjusted to, and that I’m just burned out. I really hope that’s the case and that this is temporary.
I hate depression. A dumb thing to say, I’m sure. But I do. Because I hate what it does to me. My life. My relationships. But most of all, I hate what it does to my brain. My thoughts. I hate that I stop trusting myself and my friends. And my loved ones.
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It’s not paranoia, per se, but it’s just that I everything seems skewed. Relationships that seemed strong now feel threatened. Job feels insecure. All of this, seemingly, only exists in my head. I know that. But it doesn’t make it feel any less real. In the past, I’ve let these feelings dominate and get me to make some poor decisions. They seemed more real then. Or more desperate.
Now, it’s just frustrating. It’s like, yes, I’ve been here. And I know it sucks, and I hope it will end soon, and until then, it’s kind of frightening. I’m not sure you’ve ever seen the cartoon from the 1980’s, Dungeons and Dragons, but the opening sequence had a bunch of kids riding a roller coaster and getting plunged into an alternate dimension. Everything that looked normal was now terrifying. Fake dragons became real dragons, things like that. That’s how I used to describe this feeling to the wife. That everything looks normal, but nothing feels normal. That all of the things and people who were comforting yesterday are not terrifying or threatening today.
Blerg.
If your’e reading this, I’ll be alright. No real need to worry. Nor is there much you can probably do to help. It’ll just disappear in a little.
