Day 82
As if no time has passed.
I don’t know how to do therapy. I’ll talk to my therapist about things. She’ll ask me questions. How did this make you feel? Or was that a common thing growing up? I never know how to answer. It’s as if I have no concept of my entire life.
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Was this common when you were growing up? I don’t know. Right now, when we look back, it seems like it was common. But we’re talking about this thing, and have a particular narrative in mind, and so when I look back, it’s easy to highlight the events that conform to that narrative. That doesn’t make it true. Or real.
I often feel trapped in what I think the narrative is supposed to be. Like I’m trying to figure out what my therapist is getting at, or what patterns in the past should have caused the behaviour in the present. The is that when discussing an idea, all similar ideas get highlighted. All memories that conform to a narrative will pop up. Or, if I believe that the narrative is false, all counter memories will arise. There is no objective memory, so how can I find through-lines that explain where I’m at right now?
Maybe that’s not the point. Therapists often say that we’re trying to find patterns of behavior, and then be able to recognize them in the moment so we can change them.
It’s possible that I’m just completely missing the point of therapy.
