Zoning Out
The rainy season has come.
It’s almost the end of the year. And what a year it has been.
There were ups and downs, countless laughter, and probably just as many tears. When I look back, I remember the people who have walked alongside me throughout this journey. The hectic days, the headaches, the laughter, the confused faces, the anger, the tears, the hugs. All the little things that stung my heart and all the little things that warmed it right back up.
Today, I was sitting on the floor in our office lobby with one of my colleagues, eating warm fried bananas. We weren’t doing anything in particular. Just sitting there, zoning out, letting the afternoon pass us by. And somehow I found myself crying as I tried to put my feelings into words.
There was a time when we were just a bunch of bocah figuring things out together. Back when life felt a little less complicated and they were simply my adik-adik. But somewhere along the way, things changed. They grew up. They started carrying more responsibilities just as I did. And yet, sitting there with her today, I was reminded that deep down I still see them as those same little kids I used to spend my days with. People grow. I know that. I guess sometimes I just forget how much they have grown until a moment like this brings me back.
Because when I really think about it, we have been through A LOT.
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I remember when we were still at RK, going to AEON together had practically become a routine. I remember our sleepovers at the office, sleeping on the carpet. I remember walking together during lunch breaks to Ayam Preksu or Mie Sengketa or simply figuring out what to eat for lunch when we were at Misan. These were the kinds of things that seemed so ordinary back then, so ordinary that I never thought I would someday look back on them with this much fondness.
Then we moved to Kodja. And even though so many things had changed, we still found our little pockets of time together. Coffith Cafe. Fake Ropang after office hours. Sitting around, talking about life outside work, sharing stories that had nothing to do with projects or deadlines or the things we had to get done the next day.
Looking back, there were so many little moments that made up our time together. Moments I probably didn’t think much of when they were happening. Moments that somehow have become part of the things I hold close now. And then we got busier. The team grew bigger. Our responsibilities grew heavier. Life outside work kept moving too. There were new things to figure out, new people to take care of, new versions of ourselves to grow into.
Sometimes, I feel like we have outgrown the way things used to be. I felt the distance between who we used to be and who we are becoming.
I know I haven’t reached out as much as I used to. I know there were times when I could have made more of an effort, when I could have asked how they were doing, invited them to spend time together, or simply sat down and listened. I sometimes wonder whether I have been so caught up in everything that I have forgotten to make room for the very people who have been part of the journey.
There are still so many things I haven’t had the time to sit with, so many feelings I haven’t figured out how to name, so many moments I simply moved past because there was always something else to do.
The rainy season has come.
The rain will come and go. The year will eventually end. And all of us will keep growing, whether or not I am ready for how much things will change.
But for now, let’s just enjoy the rain until the year ends.
