the concept. what concept?
life has been a bit, different recently. spot the difference? okay, go!
i’ve spent less time in bed, alone with my thoughts in my hot room. instead this room i’m in is airy and comfortable. not necessarily quiet but it could take some getting used to. the room also came with company. company warm enough for someone that is used to cold showers.
i built a totally new routine that i couldn’t even imagine thinking of. i can’t say i like it that much though. it doesn’t really define me and even if it does in this moment i don’t want it for me long term. yeah, we kinda know what we actually want without anyone’s suggestions.
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i find myself getting scared of certain stuff and brave enough to tackle other stuff. i don’t know if i’m to be grateful for that, i’d like to think it’s a yin-yang thing.
adulthood is nerve wrecking. i still think of easier ways to kms and wonder how the peace that comes with it will feel like. it’s still a struggle to reassure myself that it’s a slow long process to getting better and i’m to trust said process.
i wonder if it did get better. i still drink and eat from their menu and part of my life still has remains to it. their words still get to me and i still make time to think and cry about my situation in the early hours of my day. i still doubt myself and i know i really shouldn’t. i don’t want to tell myself it’s my first time anyway cause honestly? it’s everyone’s first time, at least most people.
took off a couple weeks in between from ss and now i can’t even stand for the whole set, shame on me. (or not haha) i just want to be in bed rn but i am enjoying this a bit. all this acting up will take me nowhere icl but i’m here for it. so now i’m gonna go back to danc!
i hope at this point it’s been registered that this isn’t all from one day and whatever i have in mind always feel too little to open a new window for.
it’s NOT my first eid out of the house but it’s the first eid i’ll spend out of the house without dreading or imagining what’s going on there. my little sister is older, i share emotions with her and she carries some of my pain with her too. i have no direction or desire for anything in this moment but i know i have to let go of something to make room for that new thing to come and habor. so i hope somewhere, the thing in me that’s supposed to bloom connects to my heart and knows that i’m more than ready now. no fear resides within me.
