03/09/26.
i wonder what experiencing self awareness feels like for you.
3:09
you see how the time i’m writing this just seemed to match with the date? im not crazy. most of the time it just… hits me. it could be that im talking or texting, it just, hits me. i am trying so hard to explain it lol. i just slow down in whatever it is i might have been doing in the moment and allow the realisation to engulf me. most times i just burst into full tears. i still dont understand that part but on other days, i try to like, feel it further. like i have read stuff on how people get aware and then it changes them and then they also maybe get scared and this and that but for me it just hits me and leaves me. like a subtle reminder. am i that brain-fried to not comprehend the actual fear that truly resides in this very existence? that i am writing this and that somehow you can depict or even possibly have another you read it to you in your own head? that you somehow can see everything, everyone but yourself? that we are just living over and over again in a constant? day, night. day, midday, evening, nightfall, midnight, day. no, don’t bring in the calendar or holidays or time. day, night. or wait maybe do. you see, i have never been interested by ‘the earth is round earth is flat’ debate. like it has never interested me but if i want it to right now and i want to guess in a silly way i would say its round. we are going in circles guys cause there is no way all that we are experiencing is happening at the edge of wherever we are cause it just would go round and round and round and round until it wears the edges out or maybe we catch fire? please take this (me) seriously, i beg.
its actually september already sha, wow. time is nonsense, i hope you reading this have realised that already. if you think i sound crazy this probably not for you. wait wait im not drunk i promise. i just feel a little….pukey.
i wonder why i always realise or process my emotions much after said experience has occurred. yesterday was a very…somehow day but alas! it was the second day of the month which also marked the second month of radio silence and semi-homelessness. i am sending past me so many hugs, month 1 was soo terrible for me. i am grateful to be writing this dry-eyed. thats a word right?
i am avoiding a number of thought processess at the moment and one being in the unknown about hosting something this month. my mouth is so dry rn. make i go chop cereal.
16:08
i miss drinking flying fish. cant remember the last time i saw it in bokku. is this another recession indicator?lol. food? ewa.
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i think i notice a streak of dependence but i am yet to decide if i should feel good or bad about it. how does one construct a business plan? let me not be my own enemy. omg i have to start reading book again, lmao. lowkey i have never or have no memory of studying hard to pass a test or exam. ive just always winged it i swear.
i found cermax today, i am so happy. they only had it in cherry though, some wintergreen would’ve been great but i’m not complaining.
20:08
i had like two spoons of this before giving up. my appetite has gone to shit lately. i miss ray. also omg earlier today h-pylori almost ended me. i had to get like four packets of unicid. friendly reminder that you should NOT do tongue to tongue with an ulcer patient especially if you love pepper like me, i’m super duper suffering.
21:53
time is so slow tonight. maybe cause i’m up when i’m usually asleep by this time. or cause im bored? or sober? i should drink some alc, it’s friday somewhere and it’ll be friday in a couple of hours hehe.
22:30
drank and now popping bedtime antacid. is this my life now?
i’m in bed now tipsy af watching a kdrama that’ll be my (sleep) background noise soon, we go again tomorrow.
