I’m lost
DISCLAIMER: I wrote this when i was really really sad. Like so sad that I thought i was going to go insane but it’s okay because I got over it. I also wasn’t going to post it but I keep holding myself back in fear that people I know are going to read it but its fine anyways this is super personal so hopefully i don’t regret it (but also u cant regret anything in life right @ my other post ;) this is why u really have to take my advice with a grain of salt because I’m too back and forth to really help you out).
AND START.
“Guys being in Singapore is rEAL. No one really tells you about the struggles of going abroad because everyone sees how fun it looks and all the adventures but I’m so conflicted. I’m having fun (of course) but I’m not my usual self. I only show people the highlights up my life but in reality I’m not 100% ok. The way I live life is pretty up and down and I’m probably the most dramatic person you’ll ever meet so the emotions I feel are intense. When i feel happy, I’m like niagara falls :’’’’’’) happy tears and when I’m sad, I’m sAD. (Honestly I fall so hard when I’m sad I feel kind of crazy.) Just think of it as a roller coaster or a sinusoidal function(eye roll). Every time I’m up I brace myself for the fall which is not good. I am just feeling less in control.
Honestly, I realized there’s something off in my life because its just constant feelings of sadness, boredom and seriously not caring about anything that happens. As bad as that seems, I do admit I’m in a slump but I can’t pinpoint when I’ve been like this. My emotions are constantly running all over the place and I think its also a lack of motivation. Im always trying to do something somewhere and experience life. Most of the time I don’t even enjoy if but i feel like I’m obligated to go out and have fun given my environment. I’m more comfortable in familiar places and I’m surprised I even made it over here. I do things to challenge myself by talking to strangers and dressing outside my comfort zone but I think I’m pushing myself too far. I need too stop this self hating and stop dwelling on all these issues. I’m over thinking this situation and making it a bigger problem in my mind.
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If I try to find whats wrong, I think one reason is I lost my passion to grow my skills. I think aside from all the travels I need to put more effort into making my skills and my craft better. I always want to be a better designer but lately I haven’t put in the extra work thats required to make me feel confident. If I want to get better i have to work but I think i just do the bare minimum in my classes and i don’t do anything on the side. Going out is fun and all but you don’t learn much from it I need to spend my time being more productive.
This took me forever to post another blog post, not because i had nothing to write but because every time i have something I’m about to finish and I delete it. This is my second problem. I feel like I’m wasting my time. Im wasting my time writing this article, I’m wasting my life just breathing. I always want to be productive but halfway through these “projects” I end up stopping because I’m like i could be doing something else, something better. Which doesn’t make sense because I didn’t even know what my something else would be. I’m trying to do something, anything, but also I think everything is pointless.
I think I’m going to regret everything I put on here too because it’s so public. Life’s good people don’t have to worry because of what I’m writing this is just my feelings. Also from this blog post you can probably see that I have no structure in writing and life and I’m just confused guys lol.”
AND DONE. (I’m also just quoting myself?? but myself in a time of struggle)
(read “my best post yet” for the continuation)
