My best post yet
This is a continuation from my “I’m lost” post.
For a couple weeks being over here I was genuinely sad. I hated being by myself and I would complain everyday about how I have no friends and life is attacking me.
Waterloo is a very small bubble and it made me realize how naive I was back home. Thinking everything would be handed to be and that everything would work out for me. I would wake up and have a support system, people by my side. If I ever felt down I would run to my friends. I know to some people reading this they might think “what you’re sad because you don’t have friends??” and people would tel me “You’re probably not even trying, try harder .” You see, I’m extremely extroverted so I have a need to surround myself with people. But what I’ve come to realize is that you’re not going to gain happiness from other people. You don’t need to rely on others to bring you happiness.
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Sometimes when it comes to making friends I would invite them to go out but they would never invite me to hang. So then I doubted myself like am I embarrassing or not good enough and I put myself down for no reason. Once you start your “train of self hate” or whatever you want to call it, it’s really hard to get out of it. I learned that I can not revolve my life around friends and I shouldn’t rely on them to make me happy. Friends are not going to make me happy and I’m going to make myself happy. I can’t dwell on the fact I don’t have friends because i do have friends. You really just have to make yourself happy and not let other people control how you feel.
For some reason begin lonely made me start caring about what people thought of me. I never cared about other’s opinions about me in Waterloo because there was nothing to really worry about. I was in my zone. I used to think yes I am truly 100% happy with myself but i don’t think i really knew the different between being happy and just feeling good. The biggest learning experience was finding real independence and finding goals I like to do on my own.
I think life was too easy back home, I wouldn’t do anything that would make me a better person. I’m starting to understand that if you set goals you can feel more motivated to start working. I want to improve my writing, my speech and my design. I also want to do random crap like dance, sing, photograph, be better at presenting, etc. I’m starting to find passionate in things that make me happy. With the will to be better, everything you do for those goals isn’t seen as hard work. (I mean you’re still going to put in hard work but at least you’ll enjoy it because it’s what you want to do). Be passionate with what you love even if you have to struggle through challenges.
I know my issue doesn’t seem that big and people are going to think Vivian wtf just suck it up but I was never put in a position with such independence so suE ME I’M GROWING OK. What I’m saying seems like an easy thing that people face and get over but trust me I was so sad no one will ever understand completely and I think my realization only seems big in my eyes because I went through it. It can’t be described or emphasized in words but trust me. Anyways, you have to be put in a difficult state to realize feeling shitty isn’t bad either because the high of feeling good is amazing. I used to think that when I’m happy I’m going to fall but you have to consider theres two sides, if you fall you can get back up.
In summary, don’t worry or stress yourself out because you’re only doing this to yourself and the more you dwell on the negatives and the sadness the more you let it consume you.
