Remembrance Day
I don’t know why. But I have pretty good memory. But I believe it’s the voice instead of me. This kind of memory is bad thing and accident that happening in me. The bad thing. And the funny thing is that I’m not just remember it but I can picture and even live it again, just inside my head.
So, there was that day. One of basic bad day when I am younger. Simply to put is that my father is not in his best when he’s younger, or maybe until now. I don’t know. Nor that I care anyway. But I remember correctly, I was just a kid and I make a pact with myself to never let him hurt me again, to stand up with myself. Seems pretty cool huh? But it’s not.
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There was this day I called ‘Remembrance Day’ I even make a reminder in my old phone that day. Which every year I got reminder until I broke my phone. Actually that voices told me to do that. Make a remembrance day that not only to stand up for myself but remember myself that I am sinned, and not worth. Seems stupid, but that’s on my brain that day.
So I did stand up by hurting my father everytime he start to hurt me. And at the same time hurt myself because I’m feeling not worth and sinned. That I need to be cleaned. Something like that. Everytime my father trying to punch him, I punch him back.
The sad thing is that it didn’t last longer. Because well, i am just a kid so I have no power. But, there’s flame inside of me for hating not to my father but pretty much everyone else. But, mostly myself. That hatred of people is turn me to pretty bad friend in that age. I’ve said and done terrible thing to others. And it would always coming back to me as kind of feeling hate to myself. Because what I did, but at the same time I enjoy everything that I did. Confusing, right?
The point is that sometimes the voices is kind of blessing in disguise. It give me power on my weakness just by listening to it. But somehow, it torture me like a lot. I wonder, is it the voices or just me and myself talking? but I hear it, I feel it even know. It just give me flashback. Pretty bad. Chill over my body right now. But what if, it’s just myself? what if i’m breaking myself on purpose? I guess I’ll never know. Or not at this moment.
