The Beginning
“It’s always been inside me. I don’t think, It will ever go away”
From the beginning, I know something’s not right. I don’t know what it is, but somehow I managed to live with it. There’s voices inside my head which I figured out in everyone’s head. But as I’m growing it get worse.
I’m starting to not just hearing what it says, but do what it says. And everytime it’s done, there’s always a big question like “what the hell am I doing with myself? my life?”. Yet, it keeps happening over and over again.
Start from the very beginning, I have bad experiences that makes me who I am today. I’ve been ignored, neglected and forgotten. I’ve been broken mentally and physically. But that’s not the bad thing. As I get older, I realized the voices is always been there. Not because those bullshit traumatic experiences but it’s always inside me and tell me things to do.
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When I am younger, I knew that voices tell me things to protect me and myself. From whatever that I thought is threat. I thought I made it from bad experiences. But, I’ve already move on, forget and accept that was part of my life. Yet, it doesn’t change a thing.
Maybe, it’s more like a feeling and sometimes it form itself as voices, mind, pretty bad flashback. It’s like my head is filled with thousand of bees that make annoying voices, like ‘buzz buzz buzz’. Even right here, right now.
At some occasion, I’m losing myself over it. And crying in the corner of the room, just begging it to stop just like today. Sometimes, I forget it was there. Sometimes I punch myself just to make physical hurt that I can make forget some mental pain. I don’t know, what I’m talking about.
The funny thing is that I can’t even talk about it without feeling abundance of pain all over my mentally body , I don’t know but it’s just hurt. Luckily, I can write it without tears are coming by. This is the first time actually.
So here I am, trying to cope the day by day. I know exactly that I am not special nor being the chosen one. Maybe I’m the creator of the voices for whatever reason. This whatever it is dedicated for you, The Voice. I’m done for making you stop. And trying to be brave for us. Feeling it and telling it. Cheers for us.
