Unlearning My Fears of a Relationship
As I think about getting into a relationship, committing myself to a person, what scares me the most are the things that I need to unlearn.
I am not a person who can communicate what I want in a relationship. I am a person who can, through empathy, figure out what the other person needs most of the time. And I am a person who keeps my wants and expectations completely aside if they ever seem to collide with what the other person wants — not because that’s the right thing to do or because I love the other person so much that I can do anything for them. Rather, because I genuinely believe that the person with me, the person who trusted herself to be committed to me, deserves the best that I can give to her.
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I am scared that within those boundaries of giving, I give too much while forgetting to ask. Asking is important too, I learn. Communicating how I feel is important too, I learn. Expressing anger is important too, I learn. I cannot get angry. That doesn’t mean that I don’t get angry either, it just means that I don’t believe in expressing anger through screams, harsh words, and definitely not physically. I express my anger in silence, in my restlessness, and through unhealthy solitude.
I am scared that it will take a long time for me to unlearn certain things and that it will test the patience of the other person. I am scared that I will walk on eggshells again — fearing what I can say, what I can do, and cannot do that might make the other person angry or irritated or anything of such.
I will express my anger through articulated communication. I promise. I will show my vulnerable side when I recognize it immediately, irrespective of whether I believe I have the right words at the right time. For many times, waiting for the right time, I haven’t communicated certain things for far too long. I promise myself to know and understand my expectations in a relationship. I promise to understand that there’s a better middle ground two people can find together, rather than any one person giving it their full energy.
I promise to myself that I will be aware of the mistakes pointed out. I promise to ask and take my space to answer any questions I am asked, and to ask the right questions when I have any in my mind.
Before any of this, I need to let go of the question “Why” when the answers to that take me down a spiral of more unhealthy and pointless thoughts. I need to learn to stop asking questions that provide no clarity of thought and rather fuel my upset. I need to learn to love my solitude more, for if I cannot find happiness with myself, nobody can give it to me.
I am scared that my vulnerable sides, the parts of me that are rather too complicated, incomprehensibly difficult, and have a story that cannot be narrated through words will be too much for someone to take. I am scared of losing someone. I am scared of not having the strength to give myself to someone the way I once did. I am scared of weakness, and I am scared of not finding my feet under my chest to get back up when things get difficult. I am scared of anxiety, and my heart nervously beating in my hands like it wants to stop. I am scared, and that’s all I am more than anything when I think of getting into a relationship.
What makes one an amazing partner? I don’t know the answer, but I can try and never stop pursuing that question.
