- 2 months ago
In Episode 5 the presenters buy pre-1982 classic cars for less than £3,000 and head to Mallorca to rally them across scenic roads. Beauty, nostalgia and real-world motoring combine for a memorable challenge.
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Follow our channel for more car crazed mayhem. Alot more episodes to come that you don't want to miss. Like our videos and share with other car lovers!!
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MotorTranscript
00:00:00Tonight, we save the entire world, we test a fat Spaniel from Jaguar, and we annoy France's
00:00:19second-best racing driver.
00:00:21Thank you. Hello. Hello, everybody. Hello, and welcome. Now, all keen drivers will tell
00:00:39you that front-wheel drive modern cars are for the weak, and that if you're at all serious
00:00:45about your driving, you have to have a car with rear-wheel drive, and we agree with them.
00:00:49Even James May. But our producers disagree. They think we're talking claptrap. So, to
00:00:55try and prove their point, they gave each of us £1,500, told us to buy a rear-wheel drive
00:01:01car with it, and then go to Calais, where we would be given a number of stab wounds. No,
00:01:06not stab wounds. Hats. No, what's the word? Sausages. Not sausages. Challengers. Yes, that.
00:01:19Mm, Calais. Beautiful. But it has been enlivened this morning by the arrival of this magnificent
00:01:35Porsche 944, and this is the S2 model, the last and the best. Three-litre engine at the
00:01:41front, rear-wheel drive, and the gearbox is at the back as well. Now, that does mean the,
00:01:46um, the boot floor is a bit shallow, but really that's a small price to pay, frankly, for engineering
00:01:54balance, engineering perfection. It is remarkable that you can buy a car as good as this for
00:02:01£1,500. And equally remarkable that somebody should spend £1,500 on what can only be described
00:02:10as a Datsun. That's utterly hideous. It is. Oh, no, let me just talk you through. Nissan 300ZX,
00:02:18headlines, technical stuff, 3-litre V6, four-wheel steer, twin turbo. Mm-hmm. I bet you Paul Raymond
00:02:24had a Nissan 300ZX. It is a pornographer's car, isn't it? It is a pornographer's car.
00:02:29And then the 1980s arrived.
00:02:36Oh, Lord!
00:02:37From the set of Minder, Terry McCann is here.
00:02:40All right, so, I want to see Claret on a pavement.
00:02:44The Capri 2.8, injection, the last hurrah of the common man's coupe.
00:02:48I love these things.
00:02:49It's fantastic.
00:02:50It's terrible.
00:02:51Seriously, it's hateful.
00:02:52All I would say is BMW 635, 323, 325. I saw all of these for £1,500.
00:03:00Yeah, I know. Didn't you always want a Capri?
00:03:03Yes, but the producers are not going to say the winner is the one who always wanted their
00:03:08car most.
00:03:10Hammond and I then discovered an interesting feature on Jeremy's Porsche.
00:03:14One, two, three.
00:03:17Yay!
00:03:17Oh, sorry. Did I hit you in the nose?
00:03:20You actually hit him in the plums. Did he go for your plums?
00:03:23He does that. He actually does go for that.
00:03:24When I was mended, we were given a challenge.
00:03:27Right.
00:03:28You will now drive your £1,500 rear-wheel drive cars to a racetrack.
00:03:34Yes!
00:03:35It's called Cirque du Lacroix.
00:03:37Cirque du something or other.
00:03:38The only drawback is that it's 500 miles away.
00:03:42Nissan.
00:03:42500 miles? That's just...
00:03:44I'm there.
00:03:45I'm not entirely confident about that, to be brutally honest.
00:03:48Our convoy hit the auto route for the long drive south.
00:03:59This car has done 201,000 miles.
00:04:03That's very near the earth to the moon.
00:04:05And it feels like it's done 201,000 miles.
00:04:13My electric window switches have come out.
00:04:16The moon release has come out.
00:04:17Sunroof's broken.
00:04:19Rear wiper's broken.
00:04:20There were, however, no quality issues at all in Paul Raymond's car.
00:04:27So it's done an indicated 103,000 miles.
00:04:31And do you know what?
00:04:32It feels as tight as a drum.
00:04:33Everything is electric and everything works.
00:04:36Air con, cruise control.
00:04:37Control's on the steering wheel.
00:04:39Nothing had that back there.
00:04:4054.9 miles into our 500-mile odyssey,
00:04:47and some of the gauges have started working.
00:04:54Soon, the producers told us to pull in at a rest area,
00:04:57where, weirdly, we were given another challenge.
00:05:00We're going to a racetrack. We know that.
00:05:02Should one of your cars not make it to the destination for any reason...
00:05:06That'll be you.
00:05:06The producers have provided a backup car, which also has rear-wheel drive.
00:05:11That'll be all right, then.
00:05:12Very generous.
00:05:14That's... I had one that's...
00:05:16It's not that, is it?
00:05:18It was.
00:05:19And for us, Morris Marina's spelled trouble.
00:05:23Should explain, viewers,
00:05:25we've had a bit of a run-in with the Morris Marina Owners Club over the years.
00:05:28We keep breaking them. Not our fault.
00:05:30No, the last one really wasn't our fault. A piano just fell on.
00:05:32It did. It rains pianos at our track.
00:05:34So, is that thing going to follow us in the usual...
00:05:37It is, isn't it?
00:05:38It did follow us, waiting to pass.
00:05:41But for hour after hour,
00:05:43our three cars, even the Capri, ran without a single problem.
00:05:48What we should have said at the start of the programme is,
00:05:51tonight, three middle-aged men
00:05:53drive some reliable cars across France without incident.
00:06:00Of course, as night fell,
00:06:02our luck ran out.
00:06:03Are you saying that rear lights don't work?
00:06:08Well, I'm not blinded by it. Look.
00:06:09No, that one's not working, but that is.
00:06:11No, but when you're driving, there's nothing wrong.
00:06:13Normally, this would put the world's least practical man in the marina.
00:06:17But for the first time in his life,
00:06:19he decided to try and fix something.
00:06:21If I mend this,
00:06:23you lot are going to have to stand back in amazement.
00:06:26The thing is, he's actually genuinely...
00:06:27He's changed the boat.
00:06:28Oh, he's done it.
00:06:29Oh, you've mended something!
00:06:31Oh, you've mended it!
00:06:33You've changed the boat.
00:06:34Well, it's never happened before.
00:06:38This opened the floodgates.
00:06:40It's like losing your virginity.
00:06:43There's a sense that I've unlocked a treasure chest of possibilities.
00:06:46I'm going to mend lots of things now.
00:06:48That night at the hotel,
00:06:51Jezzel Fix-It went berserk.
00:06:54Here we go.
00:06:58Look at that.
00:06:59My boot release switch is now back in.
00:07:02I would never have attempted this before,
00:07:04but now I can.
00:07:08Well, it gives us some time on our own,
00:07:10which is nice.
00:07:11Oh, I'm out of it.
00:07:17Electric window switches are now back in.
00:07:21Oh, now, wait a minute.
00:07:22The sunroof.
00:07:23I could just fix that, couldn't I?
00:07:28The next morning,
00:07:29my showroom-fresh Porsche
00:07:31laid our little convoy onto the racetrack.
00:07:35That's not a bad-looking track.
00:07:36It looks great.
00:07:37A bit meppy.
00:07:38I'm looking forward to giving it a go.
00:07:39Oh, here we go.
00:07:39You are in France.
00:07:41Yes.
00:07:41The country that practically invented front-wheel drive
00:07:44and has stuck with it ever since.
00:07:45Yeah, they have.
00:07:46And so the Stig will now set a lap time
00:07:49in a very French and very front-wheel drive
00:07:50Renault Twingo 133.
00:07:53I thought France made the Stig violent.
00:07:55Evidently not.
00:07:56It looks calm.
00:07:56All you have to do is beat his time.
00:07:59You get one point for every second,
00:08:00you are faster than him.
00:08:01A point lost for every second,
00:08:02you are slower.
00:08:04How can a Porsche 944 S2 be slower
00:08:06than a Renault Twingo?
00:08:07I've got a three-litre twin-turbo V60.
00:08:10I know the Stig's good, but the...
00:08:11Why are you looking like that?
00:08:13Well, I've driven one of those,
00:08:14and they're really fast.
00:08:15It's a shopping cart.
00:08:16Relax.
00:08:19Go!
00:08:25He'll have torque steer.
00:08:27He'll have understeer.
00:08:28We're going to have a tail just drifting out nicely.
00:08:32Elegant, sweeping drift.
00:08:34Despite the front-drive Renault,
00:08:36the Stig was very quick.
00:08:40Yes!
00:08:42132.
00:08:4431.
00:08:44Who's going first?
00:08:45Bag it up me.
00:08:46Bag it up me?
00:08:46Bag it up me.
00:08:47Too late.
00:08:48Oh.
00:08:48Was that the crummiest start you've ever seen
00:08:57from a human being?
00:08:58Wasn't good.
00:08:58There is one quite important thing.
00:09:00I have no idea of the way around this circle.
00:09:03It's the fast and the furious, this.
00:09:05The very furious, I should imagine,
00:09:07knowing how.
00:09:08Oh, for God's sake!
00:09:10Where's the Apex?
00:09:12Soon, though,
00:09:13I was in the groove.
00:09:15Oh, you see already?
00:09:16She's drifting around.
00:09:18Yes.
00:09:19And then soon,
00:09:20I was out of it again.
00:09:22Ooh!
00:09:26Ooh, we'll be clenching in there now!
00:09:30I meant that!
00:09:32With Hammond out,
00:09:33it was my turn.
00:09:37That didn't go as well as I'd hoped.
00:09:40Soon, though,
00:09:41I was reveling in the 944's
00:09:43rear-drive balance.
00:09:46Here we go.
00:09:46You see?
00:09:47Front wheels do the steering.
00:09:48I then plant the power at the back.
00:09:52Ooh!
00:09:54Whoops!
00:09:55You're just feeling the perfect weight.
00:09:57It's all just absolutely magnificent.
00:10:04I may have missed the Apex
00:10:06quite a lot there, but...
00:10:09Whoops!
00:10:10Here we go.
00:10:10Come on,
00:10:12Porsche!
00:10:14Confident.
00:10:18Now,
00:10:19the Stig,
00:10:20132.
00:10:21Yeah.
00:10:21Jeremy Clarkson,
00:10:23137.
00:10:24Yeah, I know.
00:10:25I made a bit of a mess of it.
00:10:26Yeah.
00:10:26But it's okay,
00:10:27because everything now hangs on James.
00:10:30How can the world of rear-wheel drive
00:10:32now hang on James?
00:10:33James made an old Capri!
00:10:35I want you to win this for the prog rock generation.
00:10:40So, I think, a King Crimson, Big Floyd, yes, Genesis.
00:10:44Yeah, unfortunately, rather like prog rock,
00:10:47James' lap is going to last 48 minutes
00:10:49and make no sense to anyone.
00:10:51I don't know if we've ever mentioned this, James isn't a fast driver.
00:10:59Dab of brakes.
00:11:01Come on, come on, come on!
00:11:13Come on, come on!
00:11:14Come on, come on!
00:11:15Come on, come on!
00:11:16That's got to be good.
00:11:171.32 to meet.
00:11:19Yeah.
00:11:201.48.
00:11:22What?
00:11:22But I was going like hell.
00:11:25Following our terrible failure,
00:11:27the Stig broke out his portable rear-drive drifting car
00:11:31to show the front-wheel drive generation
00:11:33what they're missing.
00:11:43And because we are all eight years old,
00:11:45we thought we'd have a go.
00:11:47But there was a hitch.
00:11:50Hammond, is there any steam coming from your car?
00:11:52None whatsoever, no.
00:11:53There's none coming from mine, no.
00:11:55However, there's quite a...
00:11:57How are you going to be able to drift
00:11:59when you can't see where you're going?
00:12:01It'll blow off when I'm going along.
00:12:03Have you got any tea, Matt?
00:12:05It's harmless.
00:12:06This is what happens when you push a car to the ragged edge.
00:12:09Which you haven't done.
00:12:11Sadly, by the time Terry McCann's cattle had cooled down,
00:12:15the producers were ready with their next challenge.
00:12:17What are those things?
00:12:23Well, I'll tell you one.
00:12:25The middle one is exactly the same colour as my bike.
00:12:29What, that one?
00:12:30Yes, my Christmas present bike.
00:12:32That's funny, because the thing on the right
00:12:34looks suspiciously like my drum kit.
00:12:36Well, that's what I was thinking.
00:12:37It looks like my piano.
00:12:38But it can't be, because we smashed that to bits on that motor.
00:12:41Exactly.
00:12:42No, no, but I bought another one.
00:12:43I don't imagine it's coincidence, and it's there.
00:12:45This is, yeah, I'm...
00:12:46Here we go.
00:12:47You will accelerate from nought to 60 miles an hour,
00:12:51and then brake, all within 200 metres.
00:12:55I know what they're there for.
00:12:56If you fail to pull up, you will not only lose points,
00:12:59but also something dear to your heart as well.
00:13:02Pianos are really heavy.
00:13:03You're going to crash into a piano in about...
00:13:05About 57 miles.
00:13:06...a minute.
00:13:07This is a stupid idea.
00:13:09Airbag, no.
00:13:10Oh, God, I'm wearing a crash helmet to protect me
00:13:12from my own motorcycle coming through the windscreen of the car.
00:13:15Traction control, no.
00:13:16Right, I've really got to get on the brakes with this.
00:13:18Anti-lock brakes, don't know.
00:13:21Remember to brake at 60.
00:13:22Remember to brake at 60, you stupid boy.
00:13:30Yes, it's a good start.
00:13:32Come on, Capri.
00:13:32Good change into second.
00:13:3440.
00:13:35No.
00:13:36Come on, car.
00:13:3960.
00:13:4060, now.
00:13:45Cock.
00:13:48Whoa!
00:13:50That didn't look good for James.
00:13:52Look at your Capri.
00:13:53Never mind the sodding Capri.
00:13:55Look at that.
00:13:56I think this...
00:13:57You can get these in order.
00:14:00I'm sorry, mate.
00:14:01I'm really sorry.
00:14:01It's okay.
00:14:02You're not sorry.
00:14:03Then, for James, things got worse.
00:14:07Is this normal?
00:14:08No, of course it's not bloody normal.
00:14:10But look at it this way.
00:14:11No more challenges.
00:14:12Good.
00:14:13Apart from that one.
00:14:15What now?
00:14:17So far, rear-wheel drive has not been relevant in any way.
00:14:21Well, now, steady on.
00:14:22It has.
00:14:22So you will now drive to Val Terenz in the Alps
00:14:26to see if some use can be found for it there.
00:14:28What's Val Terenz?
00:14:30Well, it's a skiing resort.
00:14:31I've been there.
00:14:33Is it far?
00:14:34115 miles.
00:14:36With bits of piano sticking out the front.
00:14:38That's a long way.
00:14:39Don't need that.
00:14:42There's nothing wrong with the car.
00:14:44It's got a dent in it, that's all.
00:14:45Come on.
00:14:46Val Terenz.
00:14:54He just drove over this.
00:14:56That's from the days when Terenz could start a car.
00:15:06It doesn't have to be a car.
00:15:07It was.
00:15:07It did look good.
00:15:08We'll pick that up later.
00:15:10Because now we are going to do the news.
00:15:13Yes.
00:15:14Yes.
00:15:14And the people who collaborated with Google on their smartphone, they've turned their attention
00:15:18to cars.
00:15:19They've researched every aspect of motoring.
00:15:21And they've come to a conclusion.
00:15:22Their conclusion is this, and I can quote.
00:15:24They say that humans are not meant to drive.
00:15:29Well, they're not meant to use ovens either or wear shoes, but that's just ridiculous.
00:15:33Well, that's the conclusion they've come to, and they've come up with this.
00:15:37It's called the Autonomobile.
00:15:39Yeah.
00:15:40I can tell you like it.
00:15:41I can tell that.
00:15:42Now, you'll notice there's no steering wheel or brakes or any controls in here at all for
00:15:46you to operate.
00:15:47It's the Autonomobile.
00:15:48It does itself.
00:15:49Yes.
00:15:50You see?
00:15:50It's very clever.
00:15:51You get in it.
00:15:52You tell it where you want to go.
00:15:54And then it says, I'm going to make sure I get this right.
00:15:56They say you sit back, enjoy the view with a nice wine, cheese, and a baguette.
00:16:01Oh, lovely.
00:16:03Lovely.
00:16:04No, I think this is a brilliant idea.
00:16:05I genuinely like the idea of sitting back with a glass of wine, some cheese, okay, and
00:16:09going home.
00:16:09However, there is one problem with a sort of laser-guided, radar-guided, satellite-guided car.
00:16:14Well, we know, because it's statistically proven, that half of all plane crashes are caused by
00:16:19pilot error, yes?
00:16:20Mm-hmm.
00:16:20Yes.
00:16:21We also know that planes can take off, fly, and land by themselves.
00:16:24Yes?
00:16:24This is a fact.
00:16:25So, if you remove the pilot from the plane, you would halve the number of crashes.
00:16:30It stands to, it stands to reason.
00:16:32Yeah.
00:16:32However, would you get on a plane that had no pilot?
00:16:36No.
00:16:36No.
00:16:37You see?
00:16:37Now, that's the problem with this.
00:16:39You know, great idea.
00:16:40But the problem is, you just happen to know, this has been invented by a brilliant man.
00:16:45But five years down the line, it's going to be bought by someone called Keith.
00:16:49And Keith is going to wake up one day and think he can service it himself.
00:16:54Yes.
00:16:55Which means you won't be able to relax in your, what's it called, automobiles.
00:16:58Yes.
00:16:59Because you'll be sitting there thinking, I know that somebody called Keith, reading
00:17:04the Daily Star and watching EastEnders, is coming the other way.
00:17:08And there's going to be a horrible accident.
00:17:12It's all rubbish.
00:17:13What?
00:17:14Cars that drive themselves were invented ages ago.
00:17:17They're called taxis.
00:17:21Right, now, news from India.
00:17:23There's a company over there, the car company Tartar.
00:17:26They've got a large car division.
00:17:27Got a new car out.
00:17:28Here it is.
00:17:29It's the Jaguar XJ.
00:17:32It's quite striking to look at.
00:17:34The interior is gorgeous as well.
00:17:36It looks fabulous.
00:17:36Look at that.
00:17:37It's going to cost from £50,000 to £90,000, depending upon the model.
00:17:41And there's a direct injection V8, two new diesels, with 271 and I think...
00:17:46270, anyway.
00:17:47237 and 271.
00:17:48Come on, nobody gives a pig's arse about all that diesel stuff.
00:17:53It's a new XJ.
00:17:54The important question is, is it a proper Jag?
00:17:57Now, what you mean is, is this car slightly caddish?
00:18:01That's what you actually mean.
00:18:02Is the person who drives it a bit, oh, what's the word, I'm not quite sure how to sum it
00:18:07up, but the sort of person who would go away for a weekend with his wife to a hotel, some
00:18:11romantic place, and spend the entire night flirting outrageously with a waitress, and it's
00:18:16OK because he's got a Jag.
00:18:19That's a Jag driver, you can get away with anything.
00:18:22I'm terribly sorry, I ran over your dog.
00:18:25Oh, in my Jag.
00:18:26Is it fair to say, do you think that no Jag driver is ever entirely trustworthy, but
00:18:34it's in a really nice, likeable way?
00:18:35Because if you went to a prison, forget the sort of Stabbists and the, you know, the Spanglers,
00:18:40the ones who were in there for a bit of tax dodging.
00:18:43Yeah.
00:18:44I bet 80% have got Jags.
00:18:46You know what I mean, don't you?
00:18:47You've got a Jag.
00:18:48Who here's got a Jag?
00:18:50You've got a Jag.
00:18:51Look at him.
00:18:52Yeah, he's a Jag driver.
00:18:53He goes away with a sort of girl for the weekend and then goes, awfully sorry.
00:18:57Bit of an issue with the wallet.
00:18:58Would you mind awfully settling this while I go and warm up the Jag?
00:19:02You know what I mean.
00:19:04The thing is, I think that is just a brilliant, brilliant piece of design because it's a Jag.
00:19:09It is.
00:19:10But it's kind of modern.
00:19:11That's absolutely fantastic looking car.
00:19:14I can't wait to have a go in it.
00:19:16Oh, guys, guys, guys, guys, I want to show you this, OK?
00:19:19It's a speeding ticket, which was issued in California.
00:19:23OK?
00:19:24We see here that the car in question is a Bugatti two-door.
00:19:27I'm guessing a Veyron, OK?
00:19:30Speed limit on the road, 65 miles an hour.
00:19:33Recorded speed, 210.
00:19:34Whoa!
00:19:36Oh, yeah!
00:19:37Ha, ha, ha!
00:19:38Yeah, yeah.
00:19:40Yeah, what about that?
00:19:45Unbelievable.
00:19:45If he'd done that in this country, you'd be put in prison for 2,000 years.
00:19:52I know.
00:19:53Do you want to know what the fine in California is for doing 210 miles an hour on a road with
00:19:57a 65-mile-an-hour speed limit?
00:19:58You get, basically, the maximum fine a judge can impose is $500 for 210 miles an hour.
00:20:05That's the max...
00:20:05And if you do it again, it's just $750.
00:20:09Say goodbye, we're off.
00:20:10Yeah, that's it.
00:20:10Why do we...
00:20:12Why aren't we there doing what we do?
00:20:14I know!
00:20:14Why do we make Top Gear here?
00:20:16This is the worst country in the world for making a car pro.
00:20:18Honestly, I think we should go.
00:20:19I really do, because that is civilised behaviour.
00:20:22Now, bad news.
00:20:23It's about this.
00:20:24The Honda FR-V, it's called, OK?
00:20:26Now, it's a six-seater car, you may remember.
00:20:28It had three seats in the front and three in the back.
00:20:30While Honda say it's been such an enormous success, they're dropping it.
00:20:35I actually think the problem in this car was with the picture they sent us,
00:20:38this one, which is when the car came out a few years ago.
00:20:40Nobody wanted to drive around with a small girl's severed head stuck on the...
00:20:44The worst thing about this was, is that when it came out,
00:20:48is we all got suckered into it and thought,
00:20:50yeah, she's three in the front, three in the back.
00:20:52It makes sense, but it doesn't.
00:20:53If you think about it, I mean, I've got, what, two daughters,
00:20:55so if I have one in the front between me and my wife,
00:20:57that leaves one girl in the back all on her own.
00:20:59So you're just going to have a massive argument every time you go near them.
00:21:02Exactly. That is the big...
00:21:03It's not going to work.
00:21:03That's actually, that's not the worst bit about those six-seater cars,
00:21:06because it could be worse if you had your wife in the front
00:21:08and both daughters and you sat in the back.
00:21:11Oh.
00:21:11No, but you do see that occasionally.
00:21:13You see the mother in the front and then there's a bloke sitting in the back
00:21:16saying there's nothing more...
00:21:16It's tragic.
00:21:18It's pathetic.
00:21:18It's the most pitiable sight you can see.
00:21:21She's effectively saying,
00:21:22you've given me the baby, now get in the back.
00:21:24Yeah.
00:21:24Yeah.
00:21:25That concludes the news, okay?
00:21:41That concludes the news.
00:21:43And now, if you don't mind, I want to talk about the BMW M5.
00:21:46You see, what we have here are two cars.
00:21:50One of them is a spacious, practical four-door saloon.
00:21:53The other is a blistering, growling monster.
00:21:57For 24 years, this has been the ultimate sports saloon.
00:22:01But now, there is a new jag.
00:22:09The new XFR doesn't look much like a blistering, growling monster.
00:22:14There are no bulges in its flanks.
00:22:17There are no scoops.
00:22:19There's no...
00:22:20Cheshire-ishness at all.
00:22:22It looks like it might even be a diesel.
00:22:27It's the same story on the inside.
00:22:29Sitting in an M5 is like actually sitting in a laptop.
00:22:34It couldn't be more geeky,
00:22:35even if the sat-nav voice was Buffy.
00:22:38In the jag, though,
00:22:39all I've got is a steering wheel and some pedals.
00:22:43It even has an automatic gearbox.
00:22:49Don't be fooled by the plain Jane's simplicity, though,
00:22:52because the speed of this thing is simply unbelievable.
00:22:59Right, that is nought to 60 in four and a half seconds.
00:23:07And look at it.
00:23:0880, 90, 100, 110, 115.
00:23:13It's supposed to be limited to 155.
00:23:16But look, 165, and it's still accelerating.
00:23:21That's unbelievable!
00:23:26What's it limited by?
00:23:28If you don't stick to 155,
00:23:30I shall jolly well write to the Daily Telegraph about it.
00:23:33The key to this rampant savagery is an all-new or Welsh supercharged 5-litre V8 engine.
00:23:44There's no other word.
00:23:46It's fantastic.
00:23:48And there's more good news.
00:23:50At £60,000, the Jag is noticeably cheaper than an M5.
00:23:55It's also quieter, and it's way more comfortable.
00:24:02It is uncannily comfortable.
00:24:05It's so soft and so absorbent.
00:24:08It's like sitting on a fat dog.
00:24:11You can't really believe it'll go round a corner at all,
00:24:15leave alone like this.
00:24:17I'm not doing that wearing robes!
00:24:28To keep it planted, it has an electronic diff like you get on a Ferrari,
00:24:32and a suspension that adjusts itself hundreds of times a second.
00:24:36You can be just inched perfect,
00:24:39even when you're driving like a complete lunatic!
00:24:42It's so easy!
00:24:59So, this is two cars as well.
00:25:02It's amazingly comfortable and quiet when you're not in the mood for fun and games,
00:25:07and it's savagely fast when you are.
00:25:10But can it really be as fast as an M5?
00:25:17Let's find out.
00:25:21Both cars produce as near as makes no difference 500 horsepower,
00:25:25and both weigh about the same.
00:25:33There are some differences, of course.
00:25:35He can rev to 8,000, I can only rev to six and a half.
00:25:42He's got ten cylinders, I've only got eight.
00:25:45He's got seven speeds in his gearbox, I've only got six.
00:25:50But, I have 80 more torques than him.
00:25:5580!
00:25:55I've got so much torque, I could tear a hole in time!
00:26:08Yes, he's got better brakes for coming out of the corner.
00:26:11I'm going to unleash my meteorite of torque, and here we go!
00:26:14And here we go!
00:26:24This is getting hot, hard, and dangerous now.
00:26:27I need to stay cool!
00:26:30There's the aircon!
00:26:32And here we go!
00:26:34And here we go!
00:26:36And here we go!
00:26:38I'm not, for a moment, going to suggest that this is better than an M5.
00:26:53But it's as good as.
00:26:56And praise doesn't get higher than that.
00:26:58Beat on a stolen video.
00:27:13So, right, on the track, the Jag is as good as a BMW.
00:27:19Nearly.
00:27:20On the road?
00:27:21Honestly, I think on the road it's better.
00:27:23But I'll tell you what we'll do now.
00:27:24We'll put some maths into the mix,
00:27:26because we'll find out how fast it goes around our track.
00:27:29And that, of course, means handing it over to our tame racing driver.
00:27:32Some say he has 12 GCSEs,
00:27:36all in domestic science.
00:27:40And that he's been producing artificial sperm for years.
00:27:44Even though we have repeatedly asked him not to.
00:27:48All we know is he's called the Steg.
00:27:52And he's off!
00:27:53503 Welsh horsepowers charging him down to the first corner.
00:27:58This is still a two-ton car,
00:27:59so let's see how it battles the laws of physics here.
00:28:02Looking nice so far.
00:28:04And a lovely little slide on the way out.
00:28:11The sound of bits there being served in a stomach lining.
00:28:15Chicago.
00:28:16There goes the tail again.
00:28:17And this thing really is a leathery drift machine as he comes into the hammerhead.
00:28:21Now, the Jags Club Adif runs in open mode when you don't need limited slip.
00:28:24But as we see, that doesn't totally eliminate understeer.
00:28:27Fortunately, Stig does with a boot full of supercharged goodness.
00:28:30There goes the tail again, and across the line.
00:28:31There goes the tail again, and across the line.
00:28:35And then...
00:28:35Terrible smell of oats all of a sudden.
00:28:39Okay, there he is through the follow-through.
00:28:40It's punishing its tyres, but hanging on well.
00:28:43And that was fast.
00:28:44Here we go, second to last corner.
00:28:47More oversteering up to Gambon.
00:28:49Wonder what will happen here.
00:28:50Yep, there goes the tail again.
00:28:52And across the line.
00:28:53Now, here we are at BMW M5 126.2.
00:29:07Now, I expected the Jag to be a little bit slower than that.
00:29:11And it was.
00:29:13Unfortunately, just half a second in it.
00:29:15But look at it this way.
00:29:16If you have an XFR...
00:29:19Do you know, I've lost my wallet.
00:29:20You never have to pay for anything.
00:29:22Now, normally, that would be that.
00:29:25However, these days, as I'm sure you know,
00:29:27the amount of tax you pay on a car
00:29:29depends on how much carbon dioxide it produces.
00:29:32Yeah, and according to official figures,
00:29:34the XFR produces 292 carbon dioxides per kilometre,
00:29:38which is very impressive.
00:29:40No other car of its type gets even close to that.
00:29:43But, predictably, Jeremy thought he could do better.
00:29:48As we know,
00:29:49plants absorb carbon dioxide and then breathe out oxygen.
00:29:56So, why not put plants in the exhaust system of your car?
00:30:02Impossible?
00:30:04Well, Alan Titchmarsh might say so,
00:30:06but what does he know?
00:30:08What we have here is a Range Rover,
00:30:14which now has the same 5-litre V8 that you get in the Jag.
00:30:17At the back, we have tubes which take the exhaust gases
00:30:20into this greenhouse which is full of plants,
00:30:23tomato plants on this occasion.
00:30:26And that means the tailpipes emit no greenhouse gases at all.
00:30:31What you're looking at here, ladies and gentlemen,
00:30:35is the future.
00:30:44It really is impossible
00:30:46to overemphasise the importance
00:30:48of what has been achieved here today.
00:30:51Look at what I'm driving.
00:30:54A big, heavy, thirsty four-wheel drive car.
00:30:57And the only waste product
00:30:58is some juicy tomatoes.
00:31:09You thought Greenpeace would save the world,
00:31:12but no!
00:31:15It's Top Gear.
00:31:16We've done it.
00:31:17Where's it gone?
00:31:31We're in here applauding.
00:31:33Good.
00:31:34Oh, well done.
00:31:35There was a bit of glass on the line.
00:31:36Yeah.
00:31:37Yeah, brilliant.
00:31:38Brilliant.
00:31:39Top Gear would have saved the planet
00:31:40except for you smashed your greenhouse to bits.
00:31:42I admit it didn't go brilliantly.
00:31:44But you also said
00:31:46that you weren't giving out
00:31:47any greenhouse emissions at all.
00:31:49Yes.
00:31:49Well, that's rubbish
00:31:50because you only had 100 tomato plants.
00:31:52Well, how many tomato plants do you need
00:31:54to get rid of the emissions from a Range Rover?
00:31:56400,000.
00:31:58Seriously?
00:31:59Yes, and we've worked this out.
00:32:00To accommodate that many,
00:32:01your greenhouse would have to be six miles long.
00:32:05Do you know, I can tell why you two aren't astronauts.
00:32:08Eh?
00:32:08No, who here has seen Apollo 13?
00:32:11Hands up, yeah?
00:32:12You know what I'm on about.
00:32:12That bit when Houston, okay,
00:32:14telephones the guys,
00:32:15the astronauts in the spacecraft
00:32:18because the CO2, the carbon dioxide,
00:32:20is building up
00:32:20and they need to build something to get rid of it.
00:32:22You remember that?
00:32:23Yes?
00:32:23Good.
00:32:24These two would just turn,
00:32:25oh, we're a bit cold and frightened.
00:32:27We can't.
00:32:28Whereas I am Commander Jim Lovell.
00:32:30I didn't give up after my greenhouse failure.
00:32:34Came back, rolled up my sleeves
00:32:36and came up with another idea.
00:32:38Oh, God.
00:32:39No, look, okay,
00:32:40we fire up the jack, right?
00:32:41Lovely.
00:32:42Now, what we've got here is a gas-o-meter, okay?
00:32:45And its prong is up that exhaust.
00:32:47And what it's telling me
00:32:48is that 15% of the gas
00:32:52coming out of this exhaust pipe
00:32:54is carbon dioxide, okay?
00:32:56Come in and verify that for me.
00:32:58It's actually 14.5%, yes?
00:33:01Okay, yeah.
00:33:02Right.
00:33:04Take the prong out
00:33:05because on this side,
00:33:06on this tailpipe,
00:33:08I've modified it.
00:33:09Got tubes feeding into this
00:33:10Apollo 13 homemade filter,
00:33:13which is...
00:33:14It's full of lime soda crystals,
00:33:17which they're used to absorb the carbon dioxide
00:33:20in those huge Australian mines, okay?
00:33:21So, we're going to pop the prong
00:33:23in the top
00:33:24because, as you can see,
00:33:25the gas is going down there
00:33:26through the crystals,
00:33:27out of here.
00:33:28Let's just have a look
00:33:29how much carbon dioxide
00:33:31that's producing.
00:33:33It's none.
00:33:34What?
00:33:35Nothing.
00:33:36None.
00:33:37Absolutely no carbon dioxide
00:33:40is coming out of that car.
00:33:42Wow!
00:33:42Now, I know we have a reputation
00:33:52on Top Gear for cocking about, okay?
00:33:54But on this occasion, we aren't.
00:33:56This is not a Toyota Prius.
00:33:57It's not a stupid gee whiz.
00:33:59It's got a 5-litre supercharged V8
00:34:01and all that's coming out of this tailpipe
00:34:05is nitrogen and oxygen,
00:34:07which is...
00:34:08Air.
00:34:08Hang on a sec.
00:34:09What?
00:34:10These little rocks of yours.
00:34:11Yes.
00:34:11They absorb the carbon dioxide?
00:34:13They absorb it, yes.
00:34:14So, how far can you go
00:34:15before they get all clogged up
00:34:16and they can't absorb any more carbon dioxide?
00:34:18On a motorway,
00:34:20six miles.
00:34:22With something that size, yes.
00:34:24How much does it cost
00:34:25for a new box of rocks?
00:34:2775 pounds.
00:34:28Oh, God.
00:34:30Look, I know,
00:34:31Barnes-Wallace had setbacks,
00:34:32but he persevered,
00:34:33and I'm sure
00:34:33if science can make
00:34:35genetically modified wheat,
00:34:37they can make those absorb more.
00:34:38I really do think
00:34:40that we're on to something here.
00:34:42Shall I go and work on it?
00:34:43Yes, you go and work on it,
00:34:45because it is now time
00:34:46to put a star
00:34:47in our reasonably priced car.
00:34:50Now, we're often criticised
00:34:51by politicians and newspapers
00:34:53for being sexist on this programme.
00:34:56Well, tonight,
00:34:56we answer those critics
00:34:57because my guest is a girl
00:34:59and a dead fit one.
00:35:01Ladies and gentlemen,
00:35:02see you in the mirror!
00:35:06Hello!
00:35:09How are you?
00:35:10Have a seat!
00:35:14Momentous.
00:35:14I like that!
00:35:15Yay!
00:35:16This is momentous stuff.
00:35:18Even as we speak,
00:35:20James May is out the back
00:35:21looking up in his dictionary
00:35:22what girl means.
00:35:24Yes, he is.
00:35:26Now, you weren't actually
00:35:27born to be in theatre.
00:35:29So you were born...
00:35:30In a theatre.
00:35:31Literally in a theatre.
00:35:31Literally.
00:35:32Well, Mum went into labour
00:35:33in the Nutcracker Suite
00:35:35in New York
00:35:35and stayed
00:35:37throughout the labour
00:35:38to finish the show.
00:35:39So you were born then,
00:35:40that makes you an Americanista?
00:35:41Well, both.
00:35:43My mum's English,
00:35:43my dad's American,
00:35:44so I have two passports.
00:35:45You went to boarding school
00:35:47in England.
00:35:47I did.
00:35:48The thing is,
00:35:48I heard, okay,
00:35:49I heard that while you were there...
00:35:51Oh, God.
00:35:51How can I put this?
00:35:52You got into trouble
00:35:53for doing things with a rabbit.
00:35:55Oh, my sweet Lord.
00:35:57I did not do anything
00:35:59personally with a rabbit.
00:36:00I got another rabbit
00:36:01to do something to
00:36:01another rabbit
00:36:02to get baby rabbits.
00:36:04And it worked.
00:36:05They really do do it
00:36:06like rabbits.
00:36:08Fair enough.
00:36:09So, anyway,
00:36:09so you went into films,
00:36:10obviously,
00:36:11having been born in theatre.
00:36:13Now, most of them,
00:36:13let's be honest,
00:36:14have been quite brainy,
00:36:15quite Channel 4.
00:36:16To you, boring.
00:36:17Just say it.
00:36:18No, I liked Lair Kate,
00:36:20that bit.
00:36:20Oh, God.
00:36:22Yeah, yeah.
00:36:22You remember
00:36:23the bit in Lair Kate?
00:36:24Yes.
00:36:25That was a long time ago.
00:36:26It's all gone tits up
00:36:27since then.
00:36:27Or tits down.
00:36:33I can't believe I just said that.
00:36:35You see,
00:36:36you say that,
00:36:38but your new film,
00:36:39which is called
00:36:40G.I. Joe.
00:36:41G.I. Joe.
00:36:42Yes.
00:36:43That's not sort of
00:36:44cerebral at all, is it?
00:36:45No.
00:36:45Everything blows up.
00:36:46Everything blows up.
00:36:47Lots of guns, leather.
00:36:48It's perfect for Top Gear.
00:36:49Yes.
00:36:50Normally, we don't show clips,
00:36:55but on this occasion,
00:36:56I think you probably
00:36:57can just struggle
00:36:58into doing that.
00:36:58Let's have a look
00:36:59at the new film.
00:36:59We're running out of time.
00:37:13We're running out of time.
00:37:17It's just...
00:37:18It's just one thing.
00:37:21Why did the film company send us a clip without you in it?
00:37:27I wasn't in it.
00:37:41I just had a black wig on.
00:37:43So let's just go straight.
00:37:44This is G.I. Joe.
00:37:45He's the American equivalent of action man, isn't he?
00:37:47The action man talk.
00:37:47Yeah.
00:37:48Well, he's not called Joe.
00:37:49The G.I.
00:37:50The Joes are like an elite force of fighter,
00:37:53kind of world protector people.
00:37:54But I'm on the bad camp.
00:37:56I'm on the cobra camp.
00:37:56Oh, you're a baddie.
00:37:57I'm a baddie.
00:37:58And I understand there's a bit of a record set with it as well,
00:37:59with cars.
00:38:00We blew up 112 cars,
00:38:02destroyed 112 cars,
00:38:03which is a record.
00:38:04The Blues Brothers held it before, didn't it?
00:38:06112.
00:38:06Yes.
00:38:07Mindy, you're still some way behind us.
00:38:09Probably quite far behind you.
00:38:11112 every 20 minutes.
00:38:12Yeah, I've added one to that today, I think, with my lap.
00:38:14Well, we shall find that out later.
00:38:16Oh, God.
00:38:17Before that, though, I want to talk about fashion magazines.
00:38:20They're always talking about the Sienna look.
00:38:21So we should look at what you're wearing now.
00:38:23It's not very exciting.
00:38:24I should have brought another T-shirt after my lap.
00:38:26It's quite sweaty.
00:38:28Have you really not changed since you did...
00:38:29No.
00:38:30I didn't realise it would be that scary.
00:38:32It was soaking wet.
00:38:33Well, I mean, pop it off if you want to.
00:38:36I say the same to the male guests.
00:38:39No, because, I mean, you do, you are a trendsetter.
00:38:41So, I suppose the problem is,
00:38:43it does make you a massive paparazzi target.
00:38:45But I sued them all and won.
00:38:47I know, you actually...
00:38:48So I was the first person to ever sue and win on harassment,
00:38:50so now they can't do anything.
00:38:51I actually saw two of them the other day that I recognised,
00:38:54and I started running, they were like,
00:38:55we can't, and I was like,
00:38:55I can't flash them.
00:38:58It's the best feeling.
00:38:59I actually didn't wonder that.
00:39:03Yeah.
00:39:04Because it's true, you really genuinely did set legal history.
00:39:09I did.
00:39:09How bad was it for you?
00:39:11Every day, probably 15 people following you everywhere.
00:39:14And did they chase you?
00:39:14And being mean, like shouting slapper,
00:39:17you know, I can handle that.
00:39:18But, you know, kicking the car and trying to make you scared, and...
00:39:21Did they chase you in the car?
00:39:22Yeah, I mean, did you ever have car chases?
00:39:23Yeah, tons.
00:39:24Really?
00:39:24Yeah.
00:39:25No, because, I mean, it was a marvellous one.
00:39:27The other night, James and Richard were leaving here,
00:39:29and somebody was driving alongside them on the M4,
00:39:32taking pictures of them while they were going along,
00:39:34and he drove his Mini into the back of the car in front,
00:39:36that really was.
00:39:36Oh, amazing.
00:39:37Result.
00:39:39Now, let's talk about your driving test,
00:39:40because I'm quite confused.
00:39:41You recently took your driving test.
00:39:44I just passed my driving test last week.
00:39:46Just last week?
00:39:46Five days ago, I passed my driving test.
00:39:49Very good.
00:39:54Now, I'm very baffled, because you've been driving for years.
00:39:58Yeah.
00:40:00I found a loophole.
00:40:02Which is?
00:40:03I found a loophole, which is,
00:40:03my father lives in the Virgin Islands,
00:40:05in the U.S. Virgin Islands,
00:40:06which is a Caribbean island that's technically part of America.
00:40:08Yeah.
00:40:09So I got a licence there that meant I could drive in America
00:40:12and England for a year as an American.
00:40:15So you kind of got much driving...
00:40:16Interesting driving test, for sure.
00:40:18I had to, you know, I had to drive down the street and back.
00:40:21And that's the test?
00:40:21Window down, he had the reggae on, it was like, you know.
00:40:24That's the test in the Virgin Islands.
00:40:26Exactly.
00:40:27So if there's a top tip for anybody who's finding it's a struggle
00:40:30to get a driving licence here, pop over there.
00:40:32Sip over there.
00:40:33So how is your driving record?
00:40:36Good, bad, indifferent?
00:40:37Mm, the first time I drove, I wrote off a car.
00:40:40So not good.
00:40:41My best friend and her brother had this little car on a farm
00:40:44that they lived on, and I pretended I could drive and got in it
00:40:47and pushed the accelerator instead of the brakes,
00:40:49threw a concrete bollard, ditch, fence, cows out,
00:40:52stuck, had to climb out of the window covered in oil.
00:40:56And that was your first ever driving experience?
00:40:58That was my first experience.
00:40:59Nice.
00:41:00Yes.
00:41:00And then you drove around the Virgin Islands,
00:41:01which can't take more than five minutes.
00:41:03No, it didn't take long.
00:41:04And then you took your driving test five days ago,
00:41:06and now you're here.
00:41:07Yes.
00:41:07I think we've never had a better qualified person, I don't think,
00:41:12to do our lap.
00:41:13How was it out there?
00:41:13Was it fun?
00:41:14Did you enjoy it?
00:41:14I was, it was pretty scary.
00:41:16I've certainly never really driven a stick shift.
00:41:18You deserve credit, genuinely, for coming down.
00:41:20If you've never really driven a manual car...
00:41:22No.
00:41:22...belting around with a stick.
00:41:23Yes.
00:41:23Anyway, who would like to see Sienna's lap?
00:41:27Yeah.
00:41:28Okay, here we go.
00:41:28Let's have a look at this.
00:41:29Oh, God.
00:41:32Now, is that your first wheelspin start in a car?
00:41:34Yes.
00:41:35I'm going to nail it.
00:41:38Oh, I say, that was brave.
00:41:40Not totally accurate, but brave.
00:41:41Oh, it looks so slow.
00:41:43No, it's not.
00:41:44Excuse me, language.
00:41:46S***.
00:41:49Potty mouth.
00:41:50That's, you know, that's impressive.
00:41:53There's nobody's going to complain about that.
00:41:55Just passed my driving test.
00:41:58Reach.
00:41:59Not.
00:42:00I don't know what it is.
00:42:01I love the straight-out arm position.
00:42:03I know.
00:42:04It looks so slow.
00:42:05No, I promise you, it doesn't.
00:42:07It looks the same as this every single week.
00:42:09Oh, s***.
00:42:11I'm letting women down.
00:42:14There's nothing wrong with it.
00:42:15Sorry, girls.
00:42:15That's quick.
00:42:19How are you going to be through the tyres?
00:42:21Oh, my God, Bobby!
00:42:24Holy cow!
00:42:26That is f***.
00:42:28You're having a crisis there.
00:42:31And now...
00:42:32Oh, it's off again!
00:42:33Have you held it?
00:42:34Yes, you got it!
00:42:36That's it, Gambon.
00:42:37And you made it across the line!
00:42:39Yay!
00:42:41Brilliant.
00:42:42That's a cracking lap.
00:42:44Oh!
00:42:46Yeah.
00:42:48Oh, God.
00:42:50So, where do you think, then, on the, um...
00:42:53It felt quite slow watching it back.
00:42:55It felt so fast when I was doing it.
00:42:58I have no idea.
00:42:59Tell me it's good.
00:43:01You did it, Sienna Miller.
00:43:03Yes.
00:43:03In...
00:43:04one minute...
00:43:0740...
00:43:099.8.
00:43:12Yay!
00:43:12Not bad.
00:43:14Because that gets you...
00:43:16Oh!
00:43:18What a nice place to be.
00:43:21That's all right.
00:43:22It's bitter than anything above 150.
00:43:24We always say...
00:43:25Okay, all right.
00:43:26...is quick.
00:43:26I beat Gambon, that's a fact.
00:43:28You've beaten Michael Gambon, Alan Davis, Steve Coogan.
00:43:31Oh, good.
00:43:31And I think for someone who's never driven a manual car before
00:43:33and only been driving a week and a half,
00:43:35it was amazing.
00:43:36Thanks, Jez.
00:43:37Now, best of luck with your new film.
00:43:39Ladies and gentlemen, Sienna Miller!
00:43:44Now, tonight, we are in France,
00:43:56demonstrating the virtues of rear-wheel drive
00:43:59with one of our cheap car challenges.
00:44:01When we left the action, I'd crashed into a piano
00:44:02and we were now on our way to a ski resort in the Alps.
00:44:05All three of our 1,500-pound cars are running well,
00:44:08so none of us is in any danger
00:44:10of needing the backup car a Morris Marina,
00:44:12which is a good thing,
00:44:14because we're bound to break it
00:44:15and the Morris Marina Owners Club
00:44:17already sort of hates us and wants to kill us.
00:44:29All is perfect aboard the mighty Nissan.
00:44:33All was perfect in the Porsche, too.
00:44:35However...
00:44:37Well, there's something coming out from under the bobbin.
00:44:40Did they forecast fog in your car this morning, Jez?
00:44:42Like driving through a horror film.
00:44:44Chaps, my car started making some really bad noises.
00:44:48Started.
00:44:50We had to pull over.
00:44:51Marina.
00:44:53Marina.
00:44:55I wish this were smelly vision,
00:44:57because you would not believe that smell of a car.
00:45:01You know when a body's been in a flat for nine months
00:45:03and then people ring up and say...
00:45:04Like I said, that's a distinctive smell.
00:45:05There is a smell, and...
00:45:06Yeah.
00:45:07Oh, you really think you're going to get that going?
00:45:10Yeah.
00:45:10You're just not.
00:45:13We decided to help by leaving.
00:45:16I'm just thinking, on these big foreign Top Gear cheap car challenges,
00:45:21the cars always make it.
00:45:23And James won't want to be the one that lets the side down.
00:45:26I don't know if you can see this, but I've got some fairly dramatic wheel wobble going on here.
00:45:38I can fix this.
00:45:43I can fix anything.
00:45:51With my new mending powers, I worked out I'd lost a wheel weight.
00:45:55How much?
00:45:56Five grams, something like that?
00:45:57Possibly.
00:45:58Goodbye, Jeremy.
00:45:59Hammond decided to help by leaving.
00:46:01We just need some weight.
00:46:03Funny Euros.
00:46:04They're like wheel weights.
00:46:06Sometimes, I amaze even myself with my brilliance.
00:46:12Gafferate them on.
00:46:14Let's go.
00:46:17It's worked!
00:46:21At 60, the exact speed it was bad, it's now perfect.
00:46:28However, at 62...
00:46:30At the next turn, Hammond and I regrouped to wait for May.
00:46:37Can I just say, okay, we've now been waiting, what, half an hour?
00:46:41Easy, yeah.
00:46:42Now, if it's half more, see, 40 minutes.
00:46:44If it's 40 minutes, he must have mended the Capri.
00:46:48Because if it was ruined, he would have just got in the marina,
00:46:50so he must be in the Capri.
00:46:52My logic was exactly 100% wrong.
00:46:56It's him!
00:46:59Oh, God, it's pinky and perky.
00:47:02He's failed!
00:47:04All right, let's embrace the failure.
00:47:06That suits you.
00:47:08It does, I'm sorry.
00:47:09You know we've had problems with the Morris Marina Owners Club.
00:47:11Problems?
00:47:12They had the kind of fat wear on us.
00:47:13Exactly.
00:47:14Now, this car, you have to understand this,
00:47:16belonged to the wife of the president.
00:47:18Right.
00:47:19Just take care of it.
00:47:21Your comments should be addressed to...
00:47:24Why?
00:47:25You...
00:47:26I don't want you to drive into this.
00:47:28This used to belong...
00:47:29No, this is a different issue.
00:47:30...to the wife of the president of...
00:47:31What was it?
00:47:32France.
00:47:33France.
00:47:36Hammond really wasn't impressed with James' new wheels.
00:47:40I'll guarantee that nothing exciting, vibrant, dynamic, new, creative, hopeful or beneficial in any way to humanity has ever been done, thought of or driven to in that drab, dreary, entirely beige, willfully awful pile of misery.
00:48:04Oh, come on, it's not so bad.
00:48:07Um, it's well equipped.
00:48:09No, it isn't well equipped, to be honest.
00:48:11It's got one dial.
00:48:12It's tastefully upholstered.
00:48:15It isn't tastefully upholstered, really.
00:48:18It's brown.
00:48:19But the seats are velour.
00:48:21And look how well it's worn.
00:48:26Soon, we began to climb into the mountains.
00:48:32Now, look at this.
00:48:33We have snow.
00:48:34And if we have ice, I have the chassis to deal with it.
00:48:39This is more like it.
00:48:41Don't tell me rear-wheel drive isn't more fun on this road.
00:48:49Come on, Hammond, live with this.
00:48:53This is brilliant.
00:48:551,500 quid.
00:48:57Drives down here, hardly uses any fuel, and now look at it!
00:49:01Belting up and out.
00:49:05Twisted. This is where the Morris Marina comes into its own.
00:49:11Meanwhile, further up the road, I'd had an idea.
00:49:15You may remember, viewers, Hammond broke my drum kit.
00:49:18So, as he waits down there for James to arrive...
00:49:24Oh, God!
00:49:26What if it were to go down the hill?
00:49:29Very funny.
00:49:30Oh, no!
00:49:31Oh, my God!
00:49:33Oh, I'm sorry.
00:49:34What do I do now?
00:49:38Mays here.
00:49:39Oh, joy!
00:49:40Did you break my drum kit?
00:49:41Yes!
00:49:42Have you got a cold car now?
00:49:44No, no, not cold.
00:49:46I'm going to die.
00:49:48Fantastic.
00:49:49Driving a car that terrible, that old.
00:49:52It's used Targa roof.
00:49:53Yeah?
00:49:55It may have fallen in the raging torrent.
00:49:57I've no idea how.
00:50:03The faster I make him drive, the colder he'll be.
00:50:08That's quite cold now.
00:50:10Really very cold, in fact.
00:50:12That does mean war, I'd say.
00:50:13As night fell, we reached Val Terence, still wondering what our final challenge might be.
00:50:23Rear-wheel drive.
00:50:26On and out.
00:50:28The answer lay just round the next bend.
00:50:40Is that an ice driving track?
00:50:43It was.
00:50:44And the next morning, the producers had entered us for a race on it.
00:50:49However, between us and it, there was a small hill.
00:50:53Watch this.
00:50:54And there he is.
00:51:10Using Top Gear logic, I applied even more speed.
00:51:16Oh dear, no, that's not gone at all well.
00:51:18Eventually, some locals helped us onto the track, where we decided to get some practice.
00:51:27Easy.
00:51:29Gentleness is the...
00:51:30Oh s***.
00:51:32It was unbelievably slippery.
00:51:36Oi!
00:51:38He's pushing me up with his wingman.
00:51:40Get off my racing line!
00:51:43You blithering idiot!
00:51:45Don't keep doing that to me!
00:51:46How is this racing?
00:51:48It's just racing!
00:51:49It's just fighting!
00:51:51It's not racing!
00:51:53It's just not racing!
00:51:55No!
00:51:57Do you mind?
00:51:58I don't hit the marina!
00:52:01Ten minutes later, we stormed into the first corp.
00:52:05Yes, I'm winning! I'm winning!
00:52:07Get out of the way!
00:52:08I'm not winning!
00:52:12This doesn't work.
00:52:13It's impossible.
00:52:14It's a slow accident in slow motion.
00:52:16Could we get snow tyres?
00:52:17We have to muddy...
00:52:18Like, yes.
00:52:19...spiky things?
00:52:20Yes.
00:52:21Snow tyres...
00:52:22...and modify.
00:52:24We were towed to the pits, where we fitted spiked tyres, roll cages...
00:52:29I can't drive like this!
00:52:31...and, because it was a race, some sponsorship decals.
00:52:35Oh, s***!
00:52:37I mean, bother.
00:52:38No!
00:52:39Does anyone have a hammer?
00:52:43The next morning, Valtor ends bust in glorious alpine sunshine.
00:52:49Actually, it didn't, because this is some film from the tourist board.
00:52:53For us, it looked like this.
00:53:01No matter. At least our cars on their new spiked tyres were ready for battle.
00:53:06Check it out.
00:53:08May I look inside your car, James?
00:53:09Please do.
00:53:10It'll still be awful.
00:53:12Look at that.
00:53:14Can I say briefly from the outside, it does actually look quite good.
00:53:18It looks quite serious.
00:53:19And then, Hammond?
00:53:20Yes?
00:53:21I can see one massive problem with your car.
00:53:23What?
00:53:24Oh, deary me!
00:53:29Look at that.
00:53:30Yes, I'm sitting in a snowdrift.
00:53:32How did you get your roll cage in in the end?
00:53:34Well, look.
00:53:36I've got door bars.
00:53:38That's a very thorough setup.
00:53:40It's a very thorough job.
00:53:41Now, I'm looking forward to this, because I think a Porsche will look good.
00:53:45Drifting.
00:53:46You couldn't do this with front-wheel drive.
00:53:51We were feeling confident.
00:53:53And when we saw the cars our French rivals had, that confidence grew.
00:53:57These are all just little hatchbacks.
00:53:59It's the Kia.
00:54:01And the BMW 1 Series.
00:54:02Yeah, but I've got a V6 and a twist.
00:54:04This is the crib sheet, right, on these cars, yes?
00:54:07They have a top speed of 80.
00:54:11Even your marina can go faster than that.
00:54:1380.
00:54:14And it says here,
00:54:15Cars rarely exceed 50 to 60 miles an hour during a race.
00:54:18Wow, look at that.
00:54:19I've got one of those.
00:54:20Did you fit one of those on your marina?
00:54:22No.
00:54:23Or a spin wiper on the side window?
00:54:24They're obviously expected to go sideways.
00:54:25Look.
00:54:26But they're wayward... Look at that.
00:54:27With their wayward handling.
00:54:29The other drivers, including a youth and an old bloke,
00:54:34didn't look like much of a threat either.
00:54:37But then I spotted a familiar face.
00:54:40Where?
00:54:41Yeah, it's Olivia Pallis.
00:54:43What, the designer?
00:54:45Please tell me you've heard of Olivia Pallis.
00:54:47Pallis is a type of Italian bred, isn't it?
00:54:49Formula One racing driver. Formula One won the Monaco Grand.
00:54:54Oh, I knew that.
00:54:55Won it.
00:54:56I suppose it's a bit unfair to ask for tips when we're going to thrash you,
00:54:59but what would you say we had to do to not hit things?
00:55:03Well, it's quite hard because this car is four-wheel...
00:55:06Four-wheel drive?
00:55:07...turning, driving and turning.
00:55:09The rear wheel also turning.
00:55:11Oh.
00:55:12It's meant to turn the car much quicker.
00:55:14Like yours.
00:55:15Yeah.
00:55:16It's very, very sporting of you to let us bring Porsche, Nissan 300ZX,
00:55:19much more powerful cars.
00:55:20It is.
00:55:21And the Morris, yes.
00:55:22It's like bringing, well, frankly, longbows to a bow and arrow fight.
00:55:26Yeah, it is. Thank you very much.
00:55:27I thought you were going to say something really inappropriate there.
00:55:29I did one.
00:55:30I mentioned Agincourt once, but I think I got away with it.
00:55:39With our romper suits on, we lined up for the ten-lap race.
00:55:44I cannot believe I'm in a race with Olivier Panis,
00:55:48France's second-best racing driver.
00:55:52Quite often, racers find it difficult when they get too hot.
00:55:56This won't happen today.
00:56:01Here's my plan.
00:56:02I'm going to take the one in front on the left-hand side,
00:56:05cut across to the right,
00:56:06then I'll be alongside Panis for the first tight right-hander.
00:56:09He's bound to swing left.
00:56:11They all do that in Formula One.
00:56:13I'm going right.
00:56:14That'll surprise him.
00:56:15No!
00:56:16We're off!
00:56:17They may have got away from us a bit there.
00:56:18How do they do that?
00:56:19It turned out they weren't crummy hatchbacks.
00:56:34They were mid-engine rocket ships.
00:56:39So, immediately, we were lapped.
00:56:42Oh, God!
00:56:44Oh, God!
00:56:45Sorry!
00:56:46Help!
00:56:47Help!
00:56:48Help me!
00:56:49This wasn't Agincourt.
00:56:50This was the Battle of Hastings.
00:56:51He's taken me.
00:56:52He's taken me.
00:56:53He's taken me.
00:56:54He's taken me as well.
00:56:55He's taken me as well.
00:56:57That's right, put me in there.
00:56:58No, no, really.
00:56:59Help yourself.
00:57:00We're being humiliated.
00:57:02You!
00:57:03She's eating sideways monkeys.
00:57:05Olivier Panis found the Morris particularly annoying.
00:57:08What is this shitbox?
00:57:09What is this shitbox?
00:57:10What is this shitbox?
00:57:11What is this shitbox?
00:57:13What is this shitbox?
00:57:14What is this shitbox?
00:57:15I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:57:16I'm sorry.
00:57:17I'm sorry.
00:57:18I'm sorry.
00:57:19I'm sorry.
00:57:20I'm sorry.
00:57:21I'm sorry.
00:57:22I'm sorry.
00:57:23What is this car?
00:57:26A Maurice?
00:57:32Soon it became clear there were two races going on.
00:57:35One for people who brought the right tools,
00:57:38and one for those who were tools.
00:57:42I can't see a bloody thing!
00:57:46I pulled my own glove off!
00:57:49I'm trying a Scandinavian flick.
00:57:51No! No!
00:57:54What the ****?
00:57:59Okay, that's them going past.
00:58:01That was that Oliver Peele's man again.
00:58:06I think that's again!
00:58:09To make matters worse,
00:58:10Hammond had turned our race into a grudge match.
00:58:14Yo! What the hell?
00:58:18That's for throwing my roof away, you fool!
00:58:21You're going off!
00:58:22You're going off!
00:58:23No!
00:58:25No!
00:58:30Unfortunately,
00:58:32as we knocked seven bells out of each other...
00:58:35Sorry mate!
00:58:36What are you doing?
00:58:38Why are you doing this to me?
00:58:41James was sneaking up from the rear.
00:58:43Power!
00:58:44Power!
00:58:45Power!
00:58:46What there is of it!
00:58:48He's got me back!
00:58:50Whoa!
00:58:52May's got us!
00:58:54That's a pass for the marina!
00:58:57You stupid idiot, Hammond!
00:59:00At this point, the French race finished.
00:59:03And with them out of the way, I set off after May.
00:59:07Right, come on!
00:59:08Must be able to catch a marina.
00:59:10Nice and smooth and straight.
00:59:12In the corner.
00:59:14There he is.
00:59:15May is in my sight.
00:59:16I now had less than a lap to get past.
00:59:20Don't hit him!
00:59:22Morris extremists will come if I hit him.
00:59:26I hope you're watching this, wife of the President of France.
00:59:31I don't believe it!
00:59:34May's going to win!
00:59:36It's the flag!
00:59:39Surely not!
00:59:41Not the marina!
00:59:45I'm going to have to kill myself!
00:59:55I believe I won.
00:59:57Hammond, you idiot!
00:59:58You threw my roof away, and as a result, the inside of my windscreen froze up midway through the...
01:00:03Every time I ran a corner, there was this wildly fishtailing Datsun.
01:00:07Every time I went smoothly round a corner, there was some idiot in a multi-blue Porsche ramming me and sticking me in the ditch!
01:00:13I believe this is what's known as racing drivers' excuses, isn't it?
01:00:16No, I'll tell you what I believe.
01:00:18What?
01:00:19I believe that as a result of our...
01:00:21Exuberance.
01:00:22Revenge.
01:00:23Yes.
01:00:24I will now conclude that the best rear-wheel-drive car that money can buy is the Morris Marina!
01:00:30Yes!
01:00:31Wow!
01:00:32And do you know what?
01:00:33What?
01:00:34What are we gonna do?
01:00:35What are we gonna do?
01:00:36What are we gonna do?
01:00:37What are we gonna do?
01:00:38What are we gonna do?
01:00:39We're gonna be killed and eaten by Morris men!
01:00:43Look, we did explain in the last series that we're based next to an air freight piano removal company.
01:00:49Absolutely, they're called Careless Air.
01:00:50Absolutely, they're called Careless Air.
01:00:51Yes.
01:00:52And now they have a French sister company called Piano Avion Malurismo.
01:00:55Yes, they do.
01:00:56I read about that in Helicopter News and they're based in Val Torens.
01:00:58Exactly.
01:00:59So, if you're watching Carla Bruni, okay, wife of the President of France, it wasn't our fault your marina got broken.
01:01:13Okay.
01:01:14And now, gentlemen, if I might make a suggestion, run.
01:01:15Yeah, good one.
01:01:16See you next week, everyone.
01:01:17Bye!
01:01:18Bye!
01:01:19Bye!
01:01:20Bye!
01:01:21Bye!
01:01:22Bye!
01:01:23Bye!
01:01:24Bye!
01:01:25Bye!
01:01:26Bye!
01:01:27Bye!
01:01:28Bye!
01:01:29Bye!
01:01:30Bye!
01:01:31Bye!
01:01:32Bye!
01:01:33Bye!
01:01:34Bye!
01:01:35Bye!
01:01:36Bye!
01:01:37Bye!
01:01:38Bye!
01:01:39Bye!
01:01:40Bye!
01:01:41Bye!
01:01:42Bye!
01:01:43Bye!
01:01:44Bye!
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