- 3 months ago
In Episode 2, Jeremy, Richard, and James challenge themselves to find 2-door coupés for less than £1,500, revealing which bargain rides still impress. Also featured: the debut of the supercar Maserati MC12 on the Top Gear test track. Jack Dee stars in Star in a Reasonably Priced Car. Expect thrills, budget-blunders, and car envy.
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Top Gear Season 6 Episode 2, Top Gear S06E02 full episode, Coupés under £1500 challenge, Maserati MC12 test, Jack Dee Top Gear, Affordable performance cars, Cheap coupés Top Gear, bargain motoring episodes, classic cars 2005
Follow our channel for more car crazed mayhem. Alot more episodes to come that you don't want to miss. Like our videos and share with other car lovers!!
Thank you for supporting our channel
Top Gear Season 6 Episode 2, Top Gear S06E02 full episode, Coupés under £1500 challenge, Maserati MC12 test, Jack Dee Top Gear, Affordable performance cars, Cheap coupés Top Gear, bargain motoring episodes, classic cars 2005
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MotorTranscript
00:00Tonight, old Jaguars, should you buy one?
00:07Old BMWs, are they as well made as we think?
00:11And old Mitsubishis, should you drive a car built by an aeroplane maker?
00:20Good evening, and we start tonight with the highlight of my childhood.
00:24It's the Ladybird book of motorcars from 1963.
00:29And as you would imagine, it's full of rubbish, really.
00:32Just endless boring grey shapes.
00:35Until you get to page 40, where you find that.
00:40The Maserati 3500GT.
00:43Now, this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz in a bath, together.
00:50With a lightning jet fighter and lots of jelly.
00:53I could say Maserati before I could say Mummy.
00:56Because of this picture, Maseratis, they were just the business.
01:04This is one of the cars from the company's long and illustrious history.
01:08A 150 mile an hour sports saloon, called the Biturbo.
01:15Only this is no ordinary Biturbo.
01:18It's mine. I've just bought it, and this is what I think of it.
01:30The Biturbo got what it deserved because it was an affront to one of the best badges in the business.
01:3750 or so years ago, Maserati won the Grand Prix World Championship with this car.
01:47The face bending 250F.
01:50It was a 250F like this that took Manuel Fangio to victory in one of the most exciting Formula One races of all time.
02:08Halfway through the Grand Prix at the Nürburgring in Germany, he emerged from the pits a minute, a full minute behind the leaders.
02:17Victory looked impossible, but in the next 22 laps, he broke the lap record ten times.
02:22Then, with just two laps to go, he surged past Mike Hawthorne's Ferrari.
02:29And won.
02:32This then is what Maseratis are all about.
02:35Moss and Fangio, power sliding heroes in polo shirts and leather hats.
02:41I'm sitting here, leaning on a huge metal fuel tank with a prop shaft spinning between my legs at 3,000rpm.
02:56I've got drum brakes and I've got tyres that would be more at home on a rally chopper push bike.
03:03So, it was 1950s technology, but there was nothing 1950ish about the speed.
03:12It's two and a half litre straight six engine, pumps out around 270 brake horsepower.
03:18A lot in a car that weighs less than a Lotus Elise.
03:21That means 0-60 in 4.3 seconds!
03:30The top speed is 165 miles an hour!
03:39Oh, yes!
03:41Oh, no!
03:42Oh, boy, this is so amazing!
03:49I've got no seat belts!
03:52There's no roll bar!
03:56And I don't care!
04:00Michael Schumacher is gay!
04:02Oh, no!
04:09I'm spinning in a million pounds!
04:12I've just spun a car worth a million pounds!
04:17Oh, dear!
04:21The 250F is an astonishing car.
04:25And it should have been a genetic launch pad, the foundation on which the company could build.
04:30But instead, the company went bust.
04:37Over the years, it was owned by just about everyone.
04:40The Italian government, Di Tommaso, Chrysler, Fiat, even Citroen.
04:45They all thought they could recreate the glory days.
04:48And they all failed.
04:50But then, in 1997, Maserati was taken over by the biggest name in the business.
04:57Ferrari.
04:58Ferrari decided that what Maserati needed most of all was a racing car.
05:11So, they took their Enzo, gave it some new clothes, and created something called the NC12.
05:18Actually, this is the convertible, the quiet-and-down road-going version of the racer.
05:29But it still has the same 6-litre V12 engine as the Enzo, and the same carbon fibre skeleton.
05:35So, it should still be pretty brisk.
05:37So, it should still be pretty brisk.
05:44Oh, my God!
05:45Oh, that's so quick!
05:49What a bonkers car!
05:56Holy moly!
05:58It's a fun machine!
06:00Quieting that big V12 down doesn't really do anything, because it's like adding a splash of orange juice to a pint of gin.
06:14It's still going to make you very, very drunk!
06:17The 630 horsepower MC12 goes from 0 to 60 in 3.8 seconds.
06:28Flat out, it'll be doing 208.
06:31So, it's just as fast as the Enzo.
06:33And that's the fastest car we've ever tested here.
06:40It's easy to be seduced by the speed, but don't be, because this car has a few problems.
06:48Because this car was designed for racing, it has a huge rear spoiler.
06:53But don't worry about this blocking rear visibility, because there's no back window.
06:57And then there's the sheer size of the thing.
07:01In fact, the only thing that dwarfs this is the price tag.
07:05£412,000.
07:12There's something else, too.
07:13Racing cars, which have been converted for road use, never really work.
07:19It's like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels.
07:27You just end up with a sort of half-hour close-up of some bloke's sweaty face.
07:33The MC12 van is a bit blurred.
07:35Is it a racer?
07:36Is it a GT car?
07:37Is it a detuned Enzo in a fat suit?
07:40You can't really tell.
07:44Yes, it is very, very, very, very, very fast.
07:48But it's far too big, far too ugly.
07:51And if you put your foot down, far too tricky.
07:54It's one of the most difficult, recalcitrant and twitchy cars I've ever driven.
08:04Sure, it's already winning races, but I'm afraid that, like the Biturbo, it absolutely doesn't win my heart.
08:12Now, since we've made that film, Maserati is no longer under the control of Ferrari.
08:20They've been moved to be under the control of Alfa Romeo, and soon I've heard they're going to be for sale again.
08:25Yeah, but enough about all of that stuff. I still can't believe that you don't like this thing.
08:29Oh, I'm sorry. 412,000 quid for a car that doesn't know what it is.
08:33And you know I said in the film it's got no back window?
08:35Yeah.
08:36Look, I mean, it really has got no back window.
08:39No, you're right, there actually isn't one, is there? But, and you can't deny this, it is seriously fast.
08:44Oh, oh, oh, it's quick. It's just, honestly, I really do believe that it will go round our track faster than the engine.
08:52No.
08:53I do? Who'd like to see that?
08:55Yes!
08:56Well, you can't, because, no, sorry, the sting is psyching himself up, and he's going to be ready to do that at the end of the show.
09:03So, for now, we'll do the news. And we begin with the Honda FR-V, which is now available with a 2.2 litre diesel engine,
09:10offering 45 miles per gallon, and at a price of $17,500.
09:15That's not very interesting.
09:16No, that's not very interesting, but what is interesting is the photograph they've sent us to illustrate the three abreast seating arrangement in the front.
09:23Here it is.
09:24And as you can see, this lovely couple have severed their daughter's head, and mounted it on the dashboard.
09:31I think it's actually an air freshener.
09:35I think they're making those radar speed detectors illegal, aren't they?
09:39I think.
09:40Their eyes glow red if you come up to them.
09:43Ooh, slow down.
09:44Have you seen their faces?
09:45Yes, we've chopped our daughter's head off.
09:47Yes, we have.
09:48I'll give you I'll be there yet, you spoiled brat.
09:51Now, product of the week, we had to do some car cleaning this week, so we came up with this.
09:55It's a Super Value five-pack sponge.
09:59Price does not include a sponge, obviously.
10:02Evidently, yes.
10:03On that.
10:04Now, there's a lot of new cars this week to get through, so very quickly.
10:06Saab, of course, cars for nice people, as we're all agreed.
10:09There is a new one, an estate version.
10:11There it is.
10:12It's not actually got a very big boot, but there is room in there for your nice dog.
10:16And it is quite a nice-looking car.
10:17It's a nice-looking car.
10:18And then Humvee, they've announced they're going to make a new version, which they're
10:22going to send over here.
10:23There it is.
10:24It's a lot smaller than the normal Humvee.
10:26Hopefully, Greenpeace will be using that as a comfy car.
10:29Probably not, actually.
10:30No, they won't, will they?
10:31No, no, I can't say that.
10:32Now, the MX-5, the car that sort of kick-started the Roadster Revival.
10:36Yeah.
10:37It's over 15 years old, but there is a new one.
10:39It's a bit bigger.
10:40It's a little bit heavier, but it's a lot more powerful.
10:43And look at it.
10:44It's gorgeous.
10:45It is gorgeous.
10:46I love these flared wheel arches on it.
10:47Yeah.
10:48Better interior as well.
10:49That's going to be about £18,500, and I think that's caulking.
10:52It is.
10:53Brilliant.
10:54That's out in November, just in time for the end of summer.
10:55Brilliant.
10:56Nice timing from Mazda there.
10:58Well done, Mazda.
10:59I've got a car here.
11:00This from Ferrari.
11:01It's called the Ferrari Super America.
11:03It's a 575 with a rib cut off.
11:05They're saying this is the fastest convertible in the world.
11:08199 miles an hour, 16 in about 4.1 seconds.
11:11Costs 191,000 packs.
11:13No, it isn't.
11:14What?
11:15It isn't the fastest convertible in the world.
11:17What?
11:18Porsche Carrera GT.
11:19That's quicker.
11:20True.
11:21The thing I drove earlier, a Maserati.
11:23NC Hammack.
11:24That's quicker.
11:25Third fastest convertible in the world.
11:27There's a Sonder convertible.
11:28Fourth fastest.
11:29And the Koenigsegg.
11:31It's the fifth.
11:32It's just a fast convertible.
11:34And the Murcia Largo.
11:35Sixth or...
11:36It's a very fast Ferrari.
11:38The worst thing about this, though, is we've got a picture of it from the back.
11:41It's just...
11:42Look, it's horrid.
11:43I mean, a 575, you can't see this.
11:45Which is how you're not being sick.
11:47It's really not a good-looking car, that.
11:50It's going to have another problem, I reckon.
11:52Because the way it works is this roof here, it sort of hinges over and folds down.
11:56It sort of flips over onto the back deck there.
11:58Where it lies in that sort of shape when it's raining just before you put it up.
12:02Like a sort of...
12:03Let's say a big shallow bucket.
12:05Anyway, last week we were complaining that Honda didn't make enough exciting cars for us in the UK.
12:11And they've responded very quickly with this, which apparently is going to be the new Civic.
12:16£12,000.
12:17That's great.
12:18I'd have one.
12:19You wouldn't really, though.
12:20No, but my mum would.
12:21Yes, there you go.
12:22And you'd go, cool mum, that's a great car.
12:24Oh, that's a good-looking car.
12:25You'd like this.
12:26It's your age.
12:27Do you want to come and have a look?
12:28It's aimed at your age group.
12:32You like that?
12:33It looks good next to it.
12:35Yeah, you'd go really well together.
12:37It works.
12:38Hey, now, last week we invited you all to send in your suggestions of the best ever driving song.
12:44The one that makes you put your foot down a little bit when you hear it, okay?
12:47And we have a problem.
12:48Because this is an ongoing thing through the series, but we're keeping tabs on how we're doing.
12:52And I've got here the charts so far.
12:54And at number five...
12:55Yes?
12:56It's Cliff Richard.
12:57You've got to be joking.
12:59But it was him.
13:01The other disappointment thing in the top 20, there's no Doobie Brothers.
13:05No, that's not a disappointment.
13:06That's a good thing.
13:07We're trying to keep...
13:08Don't vote for anything Jeremy mentions.
13:10Don't vote for it.
13:11You went on Radio One this week, okay?
13:14He was on Radio, which is a small radio station for like four-year-olds, okay?
13:18And he said...
13:19He said that the best ever driving song was by a band called...
13:23What do they call it?
13:24The Baby Snatchers.
13:25The Body Rockers.
13:26You poor, bewildered old fool.
13:27So, I went to a record shop, okay?
13:29And I said, please can I have that record by the kiddie...
13:31Did they laugh?
13:32Yes.
13:33And I brought it along.
13:34Okay, this is the song that he says is the best for.
13:36I'm like, yes!
13:37I'm gonna put my foot down here.
13:38Okay, ready?
13:41Well, it's the intro you...
13:42It's a blacksmith shop!
13:44That is it!
13:45And here comes my six-year-old with a Fisher-Price hammer.
13:49It's rubbish!
13:50Charmander's done the worst.
13:51It's rubbish!
13:52That is working for me.
13:53It's better than the garbage you've been promoting.
13:55If you want a drum intro, Watcher of the Skies by Genesis.
13:57Is that some...
13:58No, he's right.
13:59He is right.
14:00Watcher of the Skies by Genesis.
14:01I'm leaving.
14:02Fuck.
14:03Goodbye.
14:04No, really.
14:05I do want to see more votes for the Doobie Brothers rocking in this week.
14:08Don't vote for the Doobie Brothers.
14:09Vote for something more recent than that.
14:11To vote, please just go to the website, which is BBC...
14:14Doobie Brothers.
14:15Do not vote for any of this stuff.
14:16Save me from these people.
14:18BBC.co.uk forward slash Top Gear.
14:21Right, enough of this pop nonsense.
14:23Have a look at this.
14:24What we have here is the new Jaguar XK.
14:29How about that?
14:30Now, Jaguars say that this is only a concept car,
14:33but don't be fooled by that because we've seen the real thing
14:35and we happen to know that this is exactly the same.
14:38Now, this has been designed by the same man who did the Aston Martin DB9
14:42using a piece of tracing paper.
14:45What we do know about it is that it's going to be on sale early next year
14:49with prices from about £50,000.
14:51There'll be the 4.2 V8 engine that we're already familiar with
14:55in supercharged form as well.
14:57And we have heard from one of our spies that there's going to be a very special edition
15:01with up to 500 horsepower.
15:03So, ordered a Porsche 911?
15:06Kept the receipt, did you?
15:08You know what that is, don't you, that Jag?
15:12It's a DB9 for £50,000 off.
15:14That's what it is.
15:15Anyway, you may remember in the last series we each bought a Porsche for less than £1500.
15:20Remember that?
15:21Yeah.
15:22And in doing so, we proved that you can't buy a Porsche for less than £1500.
15:27Yes.
15:28Not if you want to go anywhere in it, anyway.
15:30No, they were rubbish.
15:31They really were rubbish.
15:32So then the producers came up with a bit of a wizard wheeze.
15:35They gave us a budget, again, of £1500.
15:37But this time they said go and buy any two-door sports coupe you like that isn't a Porsche.
15:43Yeah.
15:44Yeah.
15:45And then they said, OK, when you've got your cars, you meet up and there'll be a series of tests.
15:51Our meeting point was Millbrook in Bedfordshire, the biggest and most daunting test track in Britain.
15:58Its two-mile bank circuit, its rough roads and its formidable alpine handling track are designed to test brand new cars to destruction.
16:08So what kind of havoc will they wreak on our £1500 bangers?
16:19I was the first to arrive with my two-door coupe that isn't a Porsche.
16:25What it is, is a Mitsubishi Starion.
16:29I've always loved these things.
16:31And this is the last one ever imported into Britain.
16:35It's a wide-bodied, 2.6-litre turbo, 14 years old, done 81,000 miles.
16:41A few bumps and scrapes, of course, but mechanically, quite good order.
16:49James had bought himself a 1,000-year-old antique.
16:53Well, James.
16:55It's a Jag, it's got 12 cylinders and it's gold, sir. Look at that.
17:02I'm really quite cross, because it doesn't appear to be...
17:04I mean, I assumed, because I never even bothered looking for an XJS, because I thought it would just be rubbish for this money.
17:09I never bothered looking for a Starion, because I just knew it was rubbish, full stop.
17:13Don't you like the DeLorean rear thing?
17:16Yes, did DeLorean use gaffer tape as well?
17:20And finally, Hammond arrived.
17:23I knew he'd buy a BMW A-Rex.
17:26Actually, it looks very good.
17:27Yeah.
17:29Your handbrake working well there, then, is it?
17:31Yeah.
17:32Is it...
17:33Oh, dear.
17:34It's, you know, reasonably well.
17:36Anyway, he's bought a grandfather clock.
17:40He has.
17:41Anyway, let's just have a look at this.
17:42Hang on a minute.
17:43Is it an M, what is it?
17:44He's bought his red braces on.
17:45Oh, shut up.
17:46This is a 635, 1983.
17:47Five?
17:48Oh, yeah.
17:49That's a 6.
17:50635.
17:51635, within budget.
17:52What have you got?
17:53Oh, my God!
17:55What?
17:56It's a wheelie bin.
17:57Look at it.
17:58It's a wheelie bin.
17:59It's a wheelie bin.
18:00It's a wheelie bin.
18:01Oh, there's plenty in there, though.
18:02So, first challenge, and it is here.
18:05Thank you very much.
18:06High-speed bowl challenge.
18:08You will drive around the banked high-speed circuit as quickly as possible.
18:12140 miles an hour is your target speed.
18:15Points are lost for failing to achieve it and gained for beating it.
18:23OK, here we go.
18:25The top speed of that car, when it was shiny and new in 1984, was 142 miles an hour.
18:32Many, many years and moons have passed since then.
18:37The hamster was in the wheel, but his car wasn't going to be rushed.
18:42105.
18:52110.
18:56I don't think it's got much more to give.
19:00115 miles an hour hamster.
19:02I've only got 110 showing on the clock.
19:04You see?
19:05It's a BMW.
19:06It's even discreet and underestimated speed.
19:09How do I get off?
19:14Right, here we are entering the bottle.
19:17Here he comes, here he comes.
19:19That's the slowest car ever at Melbourne.
19:22I'm moving into the top lane.
19:26Buffeting.
19:27Flipping head!
19:28That felt...
19:29That's oil.
19:30And what was the speed?
19:31Error.
19:32What do you mean, error?
19:33He'll never do that again!
19:34Why does that never happen with the police?
19:35It smells.
19:36Oil pressure has disappeared.
19:37It's going to explode.
19:38It's going to explode.
19:39Look at the snow.
19:40James' grandfather clock had reached the 140 mile an hour target speed.
19:43But it had paid the price.
19:44James' grandfather clock had reached the 140 mile an hour target speed.
19:49But it had paid the price.
19:50Yep, that's broken.
19:54It looks awful.
19:55It sounds terrible.
19:56It looks awful.
19:57It sounds terrible.
19:58It's going to explode.
19:59Look at the snow.
20:00Look at the snow.
20:01Look at the snow.
20:02James' grandfather clock had reached the 140 mile an hour target speed.
20:06But it had paid the price.
20:08Yep, that's broken.
20:11It looks awful.
20:12It sounds terrible.
20:13And to start with, it was disappointingly slow, but I wasn't worried.
20:28I do have one secret weapon, which is, the bloke I bought it from has fitted some device
20:34to the turbocharger, and I'm not joking, that gives me sort of extra boost.
20:39I'm going to try that.
20:41Now.
20:42Oh, my God!
20:44The afterburner certainly upped the speed.
20:49But unfortunately, it also undressed the car.
20:53Where's this thing gone off the back?
20:58Yes.
20:59Right.
21:00Is that your attempt at going faster, shedding weight on the way around?
21:02And how fast was it?
21:03Er, 119.
21:04What?
21:05119.
21:06119?
21:07119, which is faster than me.
21:09Yes.
21:10Yes.
21:11That said, James' clock was the winner, even though it did need an oil and water transplant
21:17before it could face the next challenge.
21:20This challenge is designed to test the quality of the ride in your cars.
21:25Each of you must drive along the dreaded cobbled Pave course at 30 miles an hour with a bowl of water on your lap.
21:31Is this it to knock out? Stuart Hall coming in a pair of big shoes.
21:35The point is lost for every fluid ounce spilt.
21:38This is Belgian Pave.
21:39Very, very bumpy.
21:40Yes.
21:41And James is going to have a very wet crop at Boorizy.
21:43Well, I hate to say this.
21:45Do you not think?
21:46He stands a pretty good chance in that, Jack.
21:51And here we go.
21:52And that's a disaster already.
21:55Oh, my God.
21:56He has achieved 30.
21:57I haven't felt like this since I was a very small boy.
22:00Oh, that's a bit of a wobble there.
22:01That was a splash.
22:02No, it's flying everywhere.
22:03Oh, yes, it's very bumpy.
22:07Oh.
22:08Oh.
22:09That's not the first time that's happened, is it?
22:10Richard.
22:11Yeah?
22:12That happened in a Jaguar.
22:13Yes, exactly.
22:14This is the car with one of the world's best ride qualities.
22:16So you, sir, in your sporty BMW, are probably going to drown.
22:20This may not look like a lot of water.
22:22Can I just point out...
22:24Very firm suspension in a 635.
22:27Not the car I would choose if I was going to drive over some Belgian pastries with a bucket of water on the lab.
22:36No, my lab.
22:40It's never so cold.
22:42What is this like being old?
22:50There's these white grass there.
22:52Yeah.
22:53And space trousers, big problem there.
22:56It's, er...
22:57How did you get it up here?
22:58I'm only small.
22:59I mean, since that's something else's waistband.
23:03Finally, it was Jeremy's turn.
23:05And he had a bit of a handicap.
23:07Problem I have, of course, is I have a manual, unlike the other two.
23:11So, I actually have to physically move my legs in order to change gear.
23:15The gearbox, however, was the least of my worries.
23:24The bonnet just bounced up. That'll have chucked it all in his crotch.
23:27I so hope so.
23:28And we're at the moment.
23:29No!
23:30Oh, no!
23:35You've done this expression!
23:39Ah, well done!
23:41Jeremy, let me take that!
23:43I think we can already tell!
23:44oh yeah yeah it's not pleasant if you try if you do that then your trouser legs don't touch your
23:51legs so it was another victory for the grandfather clock but the smile was about to be wiped off
23:58james's face right your coupes were renowned for their sporty character in the 1980s 90s with my
24:0790s 90s in your case but how will they measure up today on the fearsome alpine circuit about this
24:13this thing i think the stig will drive a lap in each car one minute and five seconds is the target
24:19time you lose a point for every second slower than that and gain a point for every second faster
24:24i decided that my bmw should tackle the web of hills and off camber corners first
24:31before the british leyland jag had the chance to coat them all with a film of oil
24:35it's
24:44it looks brilliant 30 30 miles an hour get off that's moving for the corner level
24:50ish
24:52it's got a good noise as well actually that's because five percent but they're working well
25:02the lap time for the bmw is one minute and one second yes i thank you i won something possibly
25:14next up was the mighty starry manual gearbox the lightest of the three i was confident the pedigree
25:23racer would romp to victory here look at that already that's quicker than yours it's quicker through
25:29here
25:30see that back just kicking there see the back flopping not flopping
25:40the lap time for the mitsubishi starian is one minute dead no got good brakes good steering good
25:49handling everything about it is you bought the wrong car richard
25:54but when it comes to wrong cars the tory canyon takes some beating
25:58will it make the hill i'd love it to stop and roll back there it doesn't look that fast actually
26:08it's not
26:15and the time for the jaguar xjs is
26:19one minute and nine seconds
26:22rubbish
26:25that's poor
26:26not only had james's car lost but yet more vital fluids had been spilled
26:31there's evidence of its blood you see it's bleeding
26:35and this didn't bode well for our next task
26:40the title reliability challenge
26:43having brimmed the cars we were told to drive to the qi club 64 miles away in the centre of oxford
26:50points are awarded or deducted depending on how many faults occur along the way
26:54this was a problem for all of us because oxford isn't a city it's a bus lane
26:59oxford which oxford hates the car
27:02it's really gonna hate these
27:05while james topped up his engine again and jeremy topped up himself
27:09i unleashed a welter of gizmos that would guide me through the minefield of oxford's one-way system
27:14that's one sat nav
27:16despite hammond's sat nav systems i led the way in mustarian quietly confident i would suffer no mechanical glitches at all
27:33do you know what this car feels like feels exactly like a car
27:38exactly like the sort of car that you'd go into a showroom and buy tomorrow
27:42my bmw on the other hand had suffered badly at milburgh proving ground
27:47maybe three cylinders of the six are working
27:50and the exxon valdez that had turned into a sort of mobile confession
27:56well viewers now we're alone i can be a bit more honest with you
28:01and i'd like to admit that i've bought a pub
28:05a pub which just a few miles from milbrook turned into a complete mongrel
28:13oh my god that is fairly catastrophic
28:20it's not a breakdown it's just a mild bit of malfunction
28:22well it stopped and there's smoke pouring out of it
28:25there you go it's fine
28:31james tends to buy
28:32whoa
28:33whoa
28:34get away
28:35get away
28:36get away
28:37get away
28:38get away
28:39get away
28:40after 300 yards
28:42cross the roundabout
28:43second exit
28:45gotcha
28:49got you too
28:50well james refuses to classify that as a breakdown i'm sorry but it just was
28:58even so richard and i out of a sense of playground loyalty and male camaraderie were there for him
29:04when it happened again
29:06well it just ruins your whole day that sort of thing
29:11oh yeah
29:12mmm
29:13mmm
29:14mmm
29:15can you really
29:17i have a snickers actually mate thanks
29:19can i mate
29:20on me
29:21want to get james something
29:23no i'll get all wet
29:24oh
29:25mmm
29:26mmm
29:27mmm
29:29back on the road it turned out hammond's bmw wasn't all that healthy either
29:33but it did give him a new game to play
29:35oh
29:36hold on a minute
29:37i've got it
29:38there's a problem with my brake lights
29:40i have
29:41connect three
29:45that doesn't sound good
29:48ah but hammond wasn't gonna steal the breakdown honors from me
29:51help
29:52help
29:53with the others far in front and out of sight my wipers packed up
30:00it's almost headed this thing
30:02well i hate to say it but i can only see him he's broken down
30:05should we go back and look for him or we could go to the qi club and have a drink
30:09let me put it to you this way
30:21pretty soon hammond and i were in oxford with me using a sense of direction to find the center
30:26and him using his sat nav systems
30:33the only one who knows the truth
30:35so we've got speed camera, bus lane
30:38cycle lane
30:41health food shop
30:43welcome to oxford
30:45ah
30:47they're working
30:48this car mends itself
30:50go left on the roundabout
30:54first exit
30:56first exit
30:58i can do that
31:00hammond was about to find out just how car unfriendly oxford is
31:05well
31:07that's clearly not it is it
31:10after 200 yards you have reached your destination
31:14reached my destination
31:16hang on a second
31:18really
31:20i'm in
31:22meanwhile somewhere not in oxford
31:26tonight's new problem i think is the brake master cylinder
31:30very funny but i was having trouble too
31:34i've lived
31:3615 miles from oxford
31:39for nearly 10 years now and i've never been here
31:41i've seen it on inspector more
31:44oh
31:46yes
31:47morse never had this problem
31:49turn right
31:52i can't do that
31:54eventually blind luck beat the sat nav
31:57and the totally reliable starian arrived at the destination
32:01did you see that
32:03i was damn nearly knocked down by a cyclist
32:06i was 47 minutes in front of hammond's increasingly sick sounding bmw
32:13inside we made pleasant small talk about driving through oxford
32:18but it was hard to ignore the empty chair at our table
32:21come on
32:22come on
32:24come on
32:27come on
32:32come on
32:34come on
32:36i have to say
32:40i have to say
32:43it's a good job
32:45it is a good job that he never actually made it to oxford
32:47ever actually made it to oxford because with his sense of direction in that place
32:51that would have been the end seriously no we're not joking he doesn't have a sense of direction
32:55honestly this is not a joke he still doesn't know where this studio is every week he has to ring
33:01one of us and go could i follow you down i don't really know where i go it's true it's that bad
33:06anyway important business now the scoring this is where we are okay the first of our tests was a
33:11high-speed run amazingly james's jack ferret square won that one it won the second which
33:15was the ride with the wet laps if you remember that uh then the alpine course at that point
33:21things took a bit of a turn for the worse for the jag it very much lost that then we come to fuel
33:26economy this was on the run from millbrook everywhere to oxford the target was 20 mpg okay points for
33:33over points deducted under that my bmw did it in 20 i did 21 mpg so i believe i gain a point so that's
33:40plus one for me jeremy you did the light efficient you see seven who believes that yeah well that's
33:48what it did 17 so you lose three so that's minus three for jc yeah but then we get to james's jack
33:55james what did your day james james james james james james james james james james james do
34:07eight miles to the gallon
34:11oh i thought you meant the oil
34:15so that's minus 12 for you then we come to reliability uh this was again point knocked
34:20off every time we break down now jeremy amazingly nothing went wrong so that's uh no thank you
34:26not a sin i like the booing i like that that's good uh now i did have one i have to confess
34:33break like failure so i like that as well so that's uh minus minus one and then obviously
34:39james had five minus minus five five he never even made it to oxford
34:47i mean i get right naught for reliability i buy a car with no mechanical force at all and score
34:53you don't lose any i lost one that's the rules it's the same it's minus 35 for buying a car with
35:00a manual gearbox how fair is that i lose 35 points from a wet crotch how can that be fair how can that
35:09be fair i'm sorry is that fair what i lose i end up with a wet crotch and 35 points
35:17off it's the same rules this is pathetic it's like manchester united fa cup playing arsenal last
35:22week they were better than arsenal for 90 minutes then they lose on penalties that's the rules right
35:27and can i just say what what is actually more embarrassing breaking down or arriving at a club
35:32in oxford as if you've wet your tracks exactly from minus 35 that's the moment i'm sorry that's rubbish
35:41look that's all rubbish my my car's the best there you know it and that's an end of it it's the same
35:47rules for everyone you've got a chance to redeem yourself because there is another challenge coming
35:51up and if you are eight then you have our permission to stay up and watch that i don't want to talk to
35:57you two anymore i haven't got much choice really no i have got a choice because it's time to put a star
36:01in a reasonably priced car he claims he's been in a bad mood since he was 14 years old and today we put
36:07him in a suzuki liana which probably didn't help ladies and gentlemen jack day
36:29slovenly as ever i try to make an effort for you even if the audience don't
36:33know they we have motorhead casual here that's the uh that's really the essence of it it's quite
36:40poor i mean um now uh you're on tour very soon i'm in london i'm coming to the hammersmith uh carling
36:47apollo 8th to 11th of june and uh big venue very nice all new material yeah it is yeah yeah now let's
36:54just get on with this car based stuff um starting with buses because reading through your notes it seems
37:00you're not really a big fan i don't like buses i i well you know i think that uh the bottom line
37:05of it is the bus shelter for me because you're waiting for a bus first of all in in something
37:11that's been named after a charity for homeless people and also when you the other the other truth
37:19fact about buses is uh when you see a nutter in the street you ask yourself how did he get there
37:25the chances are he came on a bus because because when you go on a bus they're they're always full
37:31of nutters and i think it's a sane reaction to think actually no i don't want to be sat next to
37:36people like this i don't like getting off the bus with vomit down my sleeve because someone has been
37:41sick on me i actually think it's time to get a car what about bus lanes but well but you see bus lanes
37:47there again they make me very cross and i've i mean i've been stopped in a bus lane i was going in
37:51a bus lane in a fiat 127 and uh they saw you yeah and uh policeman just came stopped me in fact what
37:59he did came to the window he said uh he actually said are you a bus to me
38:08then i thought well i might be able to i might be able to talk my way out of this one because uh
38:12so i said you're you're new to traffic aren't you
38:14you know you can't but don't joke with a policeman because once you've joked with them they said oh
38:21i see you're funny are you get out the car and and then he's booking me and it all got very grown
38:26up and he was doing a ticket and uh and then as i was doing that another fiat 127 pulled up behind mine
38:31so i said look at that you wait all day and two of them turn up at once and uh
38:41oh very good because where are you on the four by four debate well i'm i'm one of these uh you know
38:48people who have a four by four i mean i i drive one i drive a land cruiser which is about the biggest
38:53one you can get yeah and regularly now i'm on school runs with seven or eight kids in the car they've all
38:58got seat belts are all front facing i don't know any other car i could do that in otherwise i'd go
39:03in two cars you know it was true two cars well even three you've got eight children you have three
39:07cars three cars that means one of the children have to drive the third one but it is that's just
39:13crazy jerry it's just that it's never gonna wash and the people you get hassled from from these
39:17builders and their transit vans go you shouldn't be in a car like that you should be in a mini
39:21you know and you say look what have you got they've got a packet of biscuits and a hammer in
39:28the back of their transit going around looking for the nearest cafe you know no there's also i just
39:34can't understand how we've got to a point in society where obviously everything's so good that
39:37people are worried about how many wheels on your car are being driven you know what if if you're
39:42worried if you actually have got to a point where you have so little going on in your life that you
39:47can start a campaign to stop people driving certain kinds of car you've got to have a closer look at
39:52your own life not other people's cars do a do an evening course because you do have some social
40:02responsibility because you drive a vespa am i right i've got a yeah i have got a vespa it's at the moment
40:07it's garaged um and uh i got a penalty for keeping it in the garage i didn't know you had to keep it
40:12licensed even if you weren't using it or you have to tell them i got it so if you make it a garden
40:16ornament it's still you even if you do that yeah i've got this um these bastards that run the whole
40:22thing wherever norwich or somewhere like that are they where are they based swansea swansea
40:30you have to work in swansea so you take it out on the rest of the nation by sending out penalties
40:34to people for keeping their car in the garage you shouldn't really be driving a car because well you
40:39took your driving test four times oh well does that yeah but i passed in the end no it doesn't matter
40:44i always maintain if you can't pass after three goes you're not cut out for it i mean if no if
40:51i went to manchester united and said i'd like a trial if if that's okay and then was as useless
40:56as i am at football there would be no point going back and back and back i'm dumb here again
41:01no look you're rubbish don't come back no no it took me a while to get my eye in
41:05probably i shouldn't be driving but occasionally i have to so i i try and warn as many people as i
41:12can when i'm going to be driving they say thanks a lot we'll be staying in uh whereabouts at the
41:17geography well it sets you up perfectly i found a great way of avoiding traffic though well you know
41:22when they have uh traffic warning warnings on the radio when people ring up but i've discovered actually
41:27before you set out on a journey ring the radio station and say there's a terrible congestion on the m25
41:32one more and everyone avoids it it's great you just go straight through my other thing is when
41:39there is a traffic jam and usually it's been due to an accident i don't like the way the police kind
41:43of beckon you to go past quickly by the time because you know the rubbernecking i think we're
41:48entitled to rubberneck we've been we've been sitting there for three quarters of an hour i want to see
41:52what's happened i want to i want to see i want to see the idiot who's held me up you know but i've
41:58shy you know i hope you're happy at least you got a neck brace to show for it i'm actually late
42:05anyway listen uh your lap oh yes things didn't go really very smoothly when the stig was showing
42:12you around no i i i i i got frightened
42:20i had sort of flashbacks from an accident i have when i was about 18. i was in the back of a car there's
42:25another fiat 127 actually i have to avoid these cars and it rolled over on a corner and i've never
42:31got that out of my mind but once i was actually able to drive i felt a bit better because i felt well
42:35at least if we both die it's it's you know i'll get the credit for it yeah i killed the stig yeah well
42:43shall we have a look at this um well allegedly sedate lap well we see that yeah okay let's uh let's put it on
42:51here oh that's not a very sedate start it's the first time i've driven a manual for 12 years
42:58racing driver excuses before you've even got to the first corner
43:03oh my god that's not very fast jack
43:08you're not even meant to break yet you're just going to
43:12you don't need to break when you're going that speed that's for sure
43:14i'm in control i'm in control
43:24that's the slowest first half of a lap i've ever seen here we go second half
43:31yes it's moving oh god that was a bit better
43:35i can't move yet i can't move yet here we go now you've got to break a bit
43:37you've got to slow down quite a lot for that call you're turning a bit sooner jeremy it felt plenty
43:44fast enough and there we go hurry across the line
43:56first half i have to say of that that was quite slow but then it you did pick up a bit i thought
44:01toward the end so on that basis where do you think you might have um well i i i probably i think
44:07i'm probably around i can imagine i'm a driver similar to steven fry i should imagine that
44:12steven he's good steven fry oh was he yeah i'm way down really am i i've got you more i'm i'm with
44:17blind man and vegas and whoa you went round in unbelievable obviously picked the speed up a lot
44:24because you did it in one minute 53 and a half seconds
44:27there you go
44:46okay right now back to the coupes because after the first series of tests incredibly considering what
44:55a pile of garbage it is james's jaguar was in the lead so it was a carefully selected car pile of
45:01garbage the point being uh they now set us another challenge they now said you can spend whatever
45:08change you've got left from your 1500 quid budget after you bought your car on modifying your car
45:13for a motor race but what they didn't tell us was what sort of motor race it would be and
45:18obviously that's important because you can't set up your car for say silverstone and then find that
45:22you're on a i don't know a rally stage yes it's kind of kind of critical to have that information
45:25but we didn't so we sort of guessed did the best we could and then we were told to meet up at a farm
45:31this is what happened
45:36now i spent one thousand pounds on my starry meant i had 500 pounds left over to turn it into
45:42uh a motor racing version get on with it let's see this thing look at this whoa hang on oh now i'm
45:49struggling because i want to laugh but that actually looks pretty good see here's my thing okay i
45:54thought a nice paint job yeah would be one thing is that gonna make it go any faster no but i had that
46:01one covered that is a turbocharger from pentia ricola's group a rally car is it 230 brake horsepower was
46:13150 so you'll almost certainly manage one lap of wherever we're going and then it'll explode well
46:19it was broken next it was james's turn that's british racing green isn't it that's what he's gonna tell us
46:27you ran out of weight well i did now i had 400 quid left um i spent 370 pounds mending the engine 10
46:36pounds on a tin of hammerite that wasn't quite big enough so what had hammond done to his bmw i spent
46:41one thousand two hundred and fifty quid on the car which left me uh 250 pounds to race prepare it
46:47ready for today's event and uh here it is here it is i want you to face your eyes on this one
46:54what was a fridge freezer on the front of it no that's a chinch point i've gone for what's that
47:01that's a side exhaust not not connected to the engine are they technically no well they're connected to
47:06the same car that the engine is so as usual you've spent all your money on stuff that makes no
47:10difference to the way the car goes apart from possibly making it a bit heavier all of this aside
47:16where is the race track okay we don't know at this point what kind of motor racing we're going to be
47:22doing i'm just praying it is a nice proper race track it wasn't in fact our 1500 quid cars had been
47:31entered for a four-hour endurance race on a grass track the toughest task we've ever set in any of
47:38our cheap car challenges that's not quite what i had in mind i am so looking forward to your spoiler
47:45here and to make matters worse our competitors cars were all much younger much fitter and much more robust
47:53and so on the dot of just after 23 minutes past two while james was looking the other way the race began
48:19and hammond stormed into the lead i had to get past james whatever it cost him we've only been going a
48:45couple of minutes i put the hammer down to catch hammond but there was no need because
48:55he'd forgotten to fill up before the race and he needed fuel meanwhile james was all over the place
49:02back sorry track so the lead was mine briefly
49:13you just took me out we're going the um camry right luckily my spare tires were from a rally car
49:20and hammond wasn't jealous at all i want a rally spoke i want a rally might fit
49:24get out of the way while we were bickering gentleman james took the lead no still running not for long
49:37but it wasn't james's car that was the problem it was mine my new turbo had made it immensely fast
49:43i'm improved but it had had a catastrophic effect on the cooling system
49:48it's overheating i'm way down on power if i adjust the boost will that help the mitsubishi's
49:56unimpeachable reliability was gone meanwhile james had worked wonders with the jag succeeding in his
50:05garage where british leyland had failed he was so confident in fact that he started a new sport
50:11of hammond bashing
50:17killed it that was out of order looked like such fun that i decided to have a go myself and set off in
50:26hot pursuit come on then come and get it big fella so i did
50:32it's not the winning it's not the taking part it's just bashing hammond that of course put me back in
50:44the pits bodywork meanwhile the jag just kept pounding round the only time it came into the pits was when
50:55the driver's sense of direction broke down so i didn't mean to come in i went the wrong way
50:59hammond may have been picked on but his exuberant driving style meant he was now winning and on
51:07hearing the news the crowd went wild and then his exuberant driving style put him in a hedge
51:21after three hours even may's jaguar was in trouble the exhaust had gone the suspension had collapsed
51:29and the dashboard was smoking him out
51:35i've boiled my brake fluid that's that's how committed i am to motorsport
51:42with just one hour left we prepared for the final battle the dials are reading normal
51:47yeah well i've only been looking at the fuel one that might be why look at his front spoiler why
51:53doesn't he just give up the bmw was still in the lead the jag was second and the mitsubishi
52:02well that could only do one lap at a time overtaking everything i've got it and then going into the pits
52:09again it's cutting out
52:11whoa that final blow up really was the end of jeremy's starry now it was just a straight fight between me and james
52:28all i had to do was bring the bmw home in one piece
52:32oh no transmission i'm out and that just left the lucky jack which had made a comeback worthy of
52:43lazarus robbie williams and john travolta finish first first you have to finish even i know that
52:51it is a glorious day for jaguar and common sense
52:59it's the chequered flag
53:11not so fast not so fast no i'm sorry that's an endurance race yes and the fact is is that yes you
53:19reached the chequered flag yes but it's how many laps you did what it's how many laps you did and he
53:26did more yes so he drove so slowly
53:39no no no no because i finished no but it's the number of laps rubbish it's how le mans has worked
53:43for many years it's a brilliant idea that's how it works motorsport is rubbish that's a rubbish
53:49okay but the fact is before you get too excited we now have to put the scores on the board yes uh
53:55i did 49 laps so my total is actually irrelevant because i'm out of the running completely uh james
54:03okay you're currently sitting at 20 minus 28 and richard you're at minus 35 okay so james you did
54:1280 laps okay so you get 80 points and finished and finished irrelevantly so 80 to minus 28 to 80 is
54:2230 52 is your finishing total now okay he this is very complicated he had done he was on minus 35 so
54:32so in other words if he's done eight laps yeah if you've done eight laps more than him in the four
54:39hours you win so i've got to have done 88 laps you've got to have done 88 laps yeah you did
54:4580 yes
54:58go on then what go on at this point you normally pull out some preposterous trick to show that you've
55:11won and tonight ladies and gentlemen is no different i have it's over it isn't over go on
55:18no okay look into this camera here james see this one here now how many people watch top gear around
55:24the world now about quarter of a billion quarter of a billion people you stand there and tell all
55:28those people that the best cheap car you can buy is a v12 car made by communists i'll say that no no
55:34i didn't say that people of the world no you can't say that the fact of the matter is as you both
55:40well know the best car there was the starium no look now there is something in that because yes
55:47it was probably the stronger car in some ways and it would have won the endurance race clearly
55:52it was faster yeah but it was let down by one part what you it was badly let down by you because
56:00you got it in your thick head that somehow you knew better than one of the world's most preeminent
56:04car manufacturers and you tried to improve it and you ruined it yes look i know if you're going to put a
56:08big turbo i should have done something about the cooling system and i didn't i admit it was your fault
56:13you spoiled me yes but the fact is it was the better car now i think we can do a deal here
56:19we'll admit that yours is the best car and that you won if you'll admit that you're a clot and you
56:26ruined your car okay that's all right that's all right because you want to do it yes yes i'm a clot and
56:36i ruined my car i'm a fool i'm the nitwit here good good good we do arrive at a top gear top tip
56:56out of all of this which is that if you only have 1500 pounds to spend on your coupe buy japanese doesn't
57:01matter what it is but go japanese and then crucially leave it alone and on that bombshell it's no wait
57:09actually no i'm talking rubbish we have got one more thing to do earlier on i drove the maserati mc
57:15hammer here okay and we suspect it may be quicker than the ferrari enzo we suspect it could be the
57:21fastest car ever to go around our track so that means we've got to bring out our house trained racing
57:27driver some say he's wanted by the cia and that he sleeps upside down like a bat all we know is
57:35he's called the stig and there he goes massive wheel spin smearing the track with rubber from those
57:42huge huge tires now down to the first corner oh he's very fast in look how flat it is no roll at all but
57:48look you can see the stig working hard there the stig's deep frog rock fixation has reached king
57:58crimson around chicago still looking very very smooth coming up to the hammerhead breaking hard the abs
58:05in this is less intrusive than it is in the enzo so the stig can break later that will help his time
58:10now follow through listen totally committed and unlike the enzo the maserati stability control just
58:23lets him get on with the job normally you get these driver aids they're supposed to help drivers but the
58:29stig doesn't need that help he likes to just have him and the machine no electronic interference and
58:34that's what this car is coming through gambol is he gonna make it did it oh come on did he 119 to
58:41beat we know that okay 119 he did it in one 18.9
58:56a new fastest car and it's a car you didn't like you know well speed isn't everything
59:01i can't believe i just said that anyway on that bombshell it really is time to end and we're not
59:07here next week sadly because uh what inter-county basket weaving's on women's football women's
59:12football so i hope you enjoy that and we'll see you the week after thanks very much for watching good
59:16night
59:20spendaholics on bbc3 now and next year on bbc2 the controversies surrounding the mmr jab and autism
59:31uh
59:48you
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