- 2 days ago
When Heddy finds out that Heather married poor for love, Heddy competes with her by pretending to be with our pathetic loser Herman.
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00:00And I'm not going to keep talking
00:02She'll keep going around the battle with the crew
00:05She'll be good
00:06I'm not going to take
00:08I'm not going to take off
00:09Damn it! Hedy!
00:13Hedy!
00:20Hedy, it's Herman, pick up
00:22Fine, fine, don't pick up
00:24Hedy, I want my key back
00:26I gave you that key for an emergency
00:28Coming down here and stealing my only clean towel
00:30And my coffee and my peanut butter
00:32And by the way, if you're listening to this
00:34I want my answering machine back
00:50Mrs. Roselli, it's Herman from across the hall
00:53Do you have a towel?
00:54I need your...
00:58Your help?
01:02Shelly
01:08You get locked out of your apartment too?
01:15I gotta get out of the city
01:16This city is exciting
01:19Dangerous
01:21Troubled
01:23That woman is not wearing underwear
01:25Is that all you can think about?
01:27Food and sex?
01:29Yes
01:30Please, focus
01:31Look out!
01:32Look out!
01:43No time for small part
01:44We're late
01:46Hedy, hold the elevator
01:48Hedy
01:49You're in a house
01:50Yes
01:51Boop
01:52Hey
01:53Yes
01:54I'm here
01:55I'm here
01:56I think Louise is so sweet
01:58I think this woman is wearing underwear
02:01I think there's too many people in this elevator
02:03And I think you are all idiots.
02:05It's gonna work!
02:33Oh, hey, well, I'll meet you there in 15 minutes.
02:36I am so looking forward to seeing you.
02:39Oh, I am dreading this.
02:42Who was that?
02:44Heather Brookshire, my best girlfriend in the whole world.
02:46How could she be your best girlfriend in the whole world?
02:48You never even mentioned her before.
02:49That's because she's a competitive back-stabbing bitch.
02:53You don't sound like friends. You sound like twins.
02:57How come we getting together?
02:59She just got married to some doctor.
03:01Ever since we were a college roommate, she had to outdo me.
03:04Now, obviously, she's coming to town to rub it in that she's landed a rich husband,
03:08and I'm a pathetic failure.
03:10You're not a pathetic failure. You're an independent woman like me.
03:16Oh, kick me harder, Louise.
03:19I was only trying to help.
03:21Hey, if you want to help, come up with a lie that I can tell Heather.
03:24Well, why don't you tell her that you're too busy to get married?
03:26Because you have a very important job.
03:28And tell her that you don't need a rich husband because you're rich yourself.
03:30You work on Wall Street.
03:32Yeah, maybe I'm a venture capitalist.
03:35Well, I'll take a street walker, but we can go with that.
03:39Excuse me, Mr. Bracken. I have a friend in from out of town.
03:42Could I take an extra long coffee break?
03:44You've got to be kidding.
03:45I don't think that's an unreasonable request.
03:47No, I meant you have a friend.
03:56Herman, you're late, and you're getting smaller.
04:00I'm sorry, Mr. Bracken. I got locked out of my apartment this morning and had to borrow some clothes from my neighbor.
04:05Eddie, I gave you that key in case of an emergency.
04:10Okay, take it easy.
04:12Mr. Bracken, can I go?
04:14Yes, Eddie, you can go.
04:16Louise, get back to work.
04:18Mr. Bojangles, dance.
04:23Hey, we're still on for a movie tonight, right?
04:26Oh, uh, sorry, Jay. I'm gonna have to cancel out on you.
04:28Oh, what?
04:29Why?
04:30Because we got a date with Tawny, that's why.
04:32But we promised Jay we would go out with him. We can't just ditch our friend.
04:35Yeah, but can Jay compete with Tawny?
04:37Well, let's see. Contestant number one.
04:41And contestant number two.
04:48And the winner is...
04:50Tawny!
04:53I'm so happy for you.
04:57Sorry, Jay. I've got a date later on tonight.
04:59Well, unless she's a big David Byrne fan, I would change before I went.
05:07Mr. Bracken, I... I gotta go home and change. I'll be right back.
05:11Oh, terrific!
05:13Why don't you all go home and change your, uh, other wardrobes or half cappuccino with your friends?
05:17Or, since we have nothing better to do around here, why don't you take in a matinee of a hit Broadway show?
05:22Oh, boy! Joseph and Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, you're actual!
05:30Louise, don't you recognize sarcasm?
05:34Of course I do!
05:36Don't you?
05:37I mean, you don't actually think I'd go see Joseph and Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, do you?
05:43I mean, who would actually go see that?
05:48You would actually go see that?
05:50I bought the CD.
05:55Oh, excellent purchase, sir.
05:59And that's why you're the boss.
06:01And I'm looking at the butt end of the unemployment line.
06:03Well, I've got big problems. You gotta help me.
06:13How did you get in here?
06:15Well, I made a coffee for tea in case that mildew in my sour comes back and I gotta borrow your toothbrush again.
06:20Teddy's out! Now, trust me, I can explain everything. I just had coffee with Heather Brookshire.
06:28Oh, that explains everything! Who the hell is Heather Brookshire?
06:32She is my best friend, who I assumed married this rich guy for his money.
06:36But she double-crossed me. It turns out this guy is poor and she married him for love.
06:41Selfish bitch.
06:42Why am I listening to this?
06:46She thinks she's better than me.
06:48Well, two can play at that game.
06:51I can fall in love with someone poor and more pathetic than he'll ever be.
06:55Wait till she gets a load of you, Herman.
07:00Me?
07:01Yeah, I told her you and I were married.
07:03No way! No way! No way! No way! No way!
07:05What?
07:06I'm not doing it!
07:07Herman, this is very important to me.
07:09Heather Brookshire has one-upped me in everything.
07:11When I went out with the star receiver, she went out with the star quarterback.
07:14When I dated the class treasurer, she dated the class president.
07:18When she went out with Alec Baldwin, I got stuck with Bubba.
07:22Who is Bubba?
07:23Bubba Baldwin.
07:24The only Baldwin brother who never made a movie.
07:28I don't know, Hedy.
07:29Oh, come on, Herman. You only have to fake it for a few hours.
07:31I invited her over for dinner.
07:33I have a date tonight!
07:34To be able to have your date, we'll be done with dinner by 10 at the late.
07:37Hedy!
07:38Oh, come on, Herman. I fake it for you.
07:41Of course, it would be the first time, because I never have to fake it for you.
07:51Wait a minute. Don't you see what she's doing? She's trying to butter us up.
07:56Hey, I got no problem. As long as we get to butter her up, too.
07:59Okay, but can we at least use margarine? The boys in the heart are really gonna raise a stink.
08:06I think we should help her. It wouldn't be that difficult.
08:09After all, we were in love with her once.
08:11Oh, that is ancient history.
08:14Now, look, this woman needs to be taught a lesson.
08:17If she wants us to play house, well, then she's gonna have to do something for us in return.
08:21That's right. We scratch her back, she scratches our, uh...
08:28Our what?
08:29Hey, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I want to pick the perfect place.
08:32Let me handle this.
08:36All right, all right, I'll do it under one condition.
08:38You clean my apartment. Maid service for the next two weeks.
08:41No way.
08:42Fine. No deal.
08:44And good luck finding a bigger loser than me.
08:50Well, I guess I told her.
08:53All right, you got a deal. I will clean your apartment for two weeks.
08:56That's right. I scratch your back, you scratch mine.
09:06Well, have you thought of the place?
09:08Yeah. It's a place where nymphs run naked and free and you can eat all the pizza and chocolate you want.
09:15And you want her to scratch you there?
09:18Hey, once I'm there, who the hell needs her?
09:22Well, I scratch your what?
09:24Hmm? Oh, never mind.
09:27What time is dinner?
09:28Dinner's at eight. See you then.
09:34Are you sure I can't get you some dessert?
09:36No, thank you, honey.
09:37It looks delicious, but it's hard for me to eat dessert when other people have so little.
09:42I didn't have any problems with pork chops.
09:47Honey, would you help me with the dishes?
09:49Oh, gee, I would, babe.
09:50But you know how you always kick me out of the kitchen.
09:54Teddy, I have to admit, I am so surprised at how domestic you've become.
10:03But I guess it's easy to be so supportive of Herman when he is doing such important work.
10:08Important work? Research?
10:10Sweetheart, you are too modest.
10:13Environmental research that my husband is doing will someday save our planet.
10:18That sounds fascinating.
10:19What part of the environment are you trying to save?
10:23Go ahead, honey. Tell her which part.
10:30Ducks.
10:31Oh, I hate to cut this short, but I'm going to have to get some shut-eye.
10:39Tomorrow we're doing some very important research.
10:41Really? What?
10:43Oh, well, it's kind of technical, but we're this close to saving all the little baby ducks.
10:54And if we can save the baby ducks, the odds of them becoming adult ducks get way better.
11:00Sometimes I'm still amazed at the way his mind works.
11:05Well, you two have been so incredibly gracious.
11:10And I love your place.
11:12It's not much.
11:14But Hetty keeps it clean.
11:16Now she scrubs the floor and cleans the stove.
11:19She even cleans behind the refrigerator.
11:23Where the rats go to die.
11:28He's just kidding.
11:31No, I'm not.
11:35Well, I guess I better go check into a hotel.
11:38Yeah, nice.
11:42You don't have a hotel yet?
11:44Not exactly.
11:46Look, this is a little awkward for me, but I had no idea that the hotel rates in Manhattan were so high.
11:52I was wondering...
11:54Can I stay here this evening?
11:57We would love to have you stay.
12:01Thanks.
12:02You won't even know I'm here.
12:04Now, you two just go ahead and snuggle into bed.
12:12I had to reach you at the bar.
12:17Something came up and I'm running just a few minutes late.
12:19But stay there at McAnally's and I'll be right over, okay?
12:22And, uh, don't talk to strangers.
12:25Bye.
12:27Where the hell do you think you're going?
12:29You promised I'd be out of here after dinner and I am out of here.
12:31But it's Heather waking up.
12:32Where am I supposed to say you are?
12:33Tell her there was a crisis.
12:35We have a sick duck.
12:37Tell her I have to perform an emergency appendectomy.
12:42Uncle.
12:43Please.
12:44I will make it up to you.
12:46I will.
12:47Alright.
12:48Let's get naked.
12:50Wait a minute.
12:51Heather is asleep right over there.
12:53Oh, you think we can get both of them?
12:57Clearly that's not what he's saying.
12:59We can't handle two women.
13:00You get winded after one.
13:02Sorry, I'm out of here.
13:07You get the hell out of here.
13:12Hi, this is Herman.
13:13Leave a message after the beep.
13:17Herman, it's Tawny.
13:18I'm still waiting.
13:20Where are you, you big tease?
13:23Shut up!
13:24Wait, did you hear the phone ring?
13:25Herman, if you're not here at five minutes,
13:27I may just have to go off with some other guy.
13:29Other guy.
13:31Hi.
13:34Did the phone ring?
13:35We were in the bathroom.
13:36Yeah.
13:37With someone named Tawny.
13:38Who's Tawny?
13:40It's me.
13:41Whoever she is, she's waiting for Herman at a bar.
13:44Who the hell is Tawny?
13:48Alright.
13:49Stand back, I'm gonna lie.
13:52Wait.
13:53You know Tawny?
13:54Our new lab assistant.
13:55I didn't recognize her at first.
13:56I always refer to her as Miss Brightman.
14:00She loves those ducks.
14:01Her favorite mallard died yesterday.
14:04Old Quacker, who heard me speak of him.
14:07She's hitting the sauce pretty hard.
14:10Orange sauce.
14:11She thought that if she ate him, she'd feel better,
14:13but it made her feel worse, I think.
14:16I don't know if it's the emotions,
14:18or if it was just undercooked.
14:24Hetty, can't you see that he's cheating on you?
14:28Herman, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
14:30Oh, Hetty!
14:31I think you're going a little too far.
14:33Hetty!
14:34Hetty!
14:35Open up!
14:36Hetty!
14:37I'm serious now, let me in!
14:38Go away, Herman!
14:39Can't you see you've hurt her enough?
14:41Oh, Heather!
14:42This is all a big lie!
14:43You're right, Herman!
14:44Our whole marriage has been one big lie!
14:47Well, we were never really married!
14:49Maybe you weren't, Herman,
14:50but there was never any pure love
14:52than my love for you.
14:55Oh!
14:58Mrs. Roselli,
14:59it's Herman Brooks from across the hall again.
15:02What do you have in the way of, uh, casual wear?
15:11Herman, what happened to you?
15:26It was a nightmare, Louise.
15:27Once again, I was locked out of my apartment.
15:29Once again, I had to borrow clothes from my neighbor,
15:31and by the time I got to McAnally's,
15:32some other guy had picked up my date,
15:34so I went over to Jay's, thinking I'd crash there.
15:36Only he never came home,
15:37and I had to doze off in a hallway.
15:39You call that a nightmare?
15:40I'll play a nightmare.
15:41I'm not on the stoop of my building in my pajamas.
15:43My landlord comes by,
15:44strips nude,
15:45chases me around on roller skates,
15:46playing kung fu,
15:47fighting on the harmonica.
15:48How long did you have to eat before you went to bed?
15:53Are you kidding?
15:54After that, I was too upset to go to bed.
15:56Or eat.
15:58Hey, hey.
16:02You know what you would look good in?
16:05Is Argyle.
16:08I don't even wanna ask.
16:09Come here, come here.
16:10You're not gonna believe what happened to me last night.
16:12Oh, let me guess.
16:13You went out to a bar,
16:14you met some woman,
16:15and you slept with her.
16:16Whoa, you are good.
16:20Anyway,
16:21she was this unbelievably hot blonde
16:23that I picked up at McAnally's
16:24that some jerk stood up.
16:26Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
16:27Wait a minute, Jay.
16:29Was this woman's name Tawny?
16:37What are you, Kreskin?
16:38That's unbelievable.
16:39Jay, Tawny was supposed to be my date.
16:41You're kidding.
16:42Oh my, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
16:44Well, it's like she was carrying a sign.
16:49What were you thinking?
16:50We had an incredible time.
16:51I took her back to my place.
16:53The only weird part was like,
16:54at around midnight,
16:55some old golfer came knocking at my door.
17:02I'm sorry, Herman.
17:03I'm sorry.
17:04If I knew it was you...
17:05Oh, Jay, you wouldn't have done anything differently.
17:07That's right.
17:08That's uncanny.
17:09Uncanny.
17:10Herman, you must use this power only for good.
17:16Hey, thanks, champ.
17:18You were really convincing last night.
17:20Worked out great.
17:21What the hell are you talking about?
17:22It didn't work out great.
17:23Yes, it did.
17:24After you left,
17:25Heather confessed that her husband,
17:26Saint Alexander, cheated on her a few months back.
17:30So when you called this morning...
17:32Well, I did not call you this morning.
17:33Oh, yes, you did.
17:34Oh, you were in tears.
17:36You begged my forgiveness.
17:37And I decided to take you back.
17:39Heather left this morning thinking that my life is better than hers.
17:42I won.
17:44Well, we'll see how smug you feel
17:45after two weeks of cleaning my apartment
17:47and doing my laundry.
17:49Oh, jeez.
17:50Herman, you're not really gonna hold me to that.
17:51Oh, not gonna hold me to that.
17:53Oh, a little spat.
17:55What happened?
17:56He hit from the ladies' tea again?
18:00Hedy, can I talk to you for a minute?
18:04Well, welcome to the research room.
18:07Let me introduce you to Herman's colleagues.
18:09This is Dr. Fitzer, Dr. Earl,
18:12and the head of the research department, Mr. Bracken.
18:14What, I can't be a doctor?
18:18You can stop all this.
18:20As I was leaving this morning,
18:21I got to talking to your neighbor
18:22and she told me the truth.
18:24By the way, Herman, Mrs. Roselli is very fond of you.
18:29Yeah, I had a feeling.
18:31Oh, you can't believe Mrs. Roselli.
18:33This woman is female.
18:34I once saw her take off the dress-
18:35Oh, come on, Hedy.
18:37She's obviously on to us.
18:39Okay, Heather, we're not married
18:40and I've never saved a duck in my life.
18:43Not one duck?
18:47Hedy,
18:48last night I thought you were in pain,
18:50so I opened up to you about my marriage.
18:53But you weren't in any pain.
18:54It was all just a game at my expense.
18:56Thanks a lot.
18:58And goodbye.
19:00Oh, come on.
19:01Like this is so different
19:02than the time you stuck me with Bubba Baldwin.
19:04That was a long time ago, Hedy.
19:07And I've changed.
19:09But obviously you haven't.
19:10You're still the same old Hedy.
19:12You don't feel anything.
19:13And that's why you're never really going to fall in love.
19:16And no one is going to fall in love with you.
19:18Frankly, I feel sorry for you.
19:24All right, people.
19:25Let's get back to work.
19:27Hedy,
19:28why don't you take the rest of the day off?
19:30You know what this group needs?
19:31A couple of numbers from
19:32Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
19:33The singing and dance and this Bible story ever.
19:34Point of fact, Louise.
19:35The singing and dance and this Bible story ever
19:36was a musical called Deuteronomy.
19:37Never heard of it.
19:38I know.
19:39I spent three years of my life writing that thing.
19:46You want to hear part of it?
19:48Not really.
19:49Step into my office.
19:51No. I spent three years of my life writing that thing.
19:56You want to hear part of it?
19:57Not really.
19:59Step into my office.
20:11Eddie.
20:13Hi, Herman.
20:14Well, I didn't expect to see you here.
20:16Why not? We had a deal.
20:18Oh, right.
20:20Can't we comfort her? I feel so sorry for her.
20:22Hold it, hold it. Hey, do you feel sorry for her?
20:26No.
20:27Hey, big guy, what do you think?
20:29Well, she's on all fours. What do you think I think?
20:40You're completely useless to me.
20:42Stand over there.
20:45You see? You're outvoted.
20:46Hey, if you think making good on this maid thing makes it all better between us, you're wrong.
20:50I'm still mad at you for dragging me into this whole mess.
20:54You're right, Herman, and I'm sorry.
20:57Well, I accept your apology.
21:00And Heather's right, too.
21:01No one is ever going to fall in love with someone like me.
21:06All right.
21:07Tell her how we feel.
21:10Well, Heather's right to be angry with you for what you did.
21:13You did a really lousy thing.
21:16And you do need to change.
21:17But come on, she's dead wrong about no one ever falling in love with you.
21:21How would you know?
21:23Because, even with all your flaws, there's someone deep down inside of you who's lovable.
21:27I mean, I should know.
21:28I fell in love with her once.
21:32I mean, if one guy can fall for you, Hetty, it's going to happen again.
21:39Well, I better go change.
21:45I needed to hear that.
21:47Hetty, I think there's something else you need to hear.
21:50What's that?
21:51Something starting to stink behind the refrigerator.
21:53And for your sake, I hope it's food.
21:59Well, good evening, everybody.
22:00I'm Jeff Allen.
22:01Coming up next on Newswatch at 10 p.m.,
22:03an Altoona man accused of assaulting and raping a three-year-old.
22:06Well, he's headed to trial, and we'll have an exclusive report.
22:08And I'm Donya Archer.
22:10There are controversy over police service in a Johnstown suburb could be headed for court.
22:14Also ahead tonight, no new taxes in Cambria County.
22:17Good news.
22:17We're going to show you how they did it.
22:19And meteorologist Paul Douglas has a very wintry forecast.
22:22Ryan Branson in for John Durr with all the sports.
22:24Stick around.
22:25Newswatch coming your way next.
22:26Neurotomy.
22:27Do, do, do.
22:29Neurotomy.
22:30Do, do, do.
22:31Neurotomy in there.
22:32Oh, my God.
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