- 1 week ago
In the episode, Herman is dating a woman named Sarah but is "not feeling it" with her, so he breaks up with her. Shortly after the breakup, Herman sees Sarah out with another guy, which makes her seem more attractive and desirable to him. Driven by this renewed interest, Herman tries to win her back.
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FunTranscript
00:00Reading cards bail.
00:01Mm-hmm.
00:01And I've come up with an idea that I think he's going to like.
00:04Landlord Appreciation Day.
00:07I mean, lots of people rent, and all those guys ever hear a complaint.
00:11So, with that in mind...
00:13Is anyone else as bored as I am?
00:16Well, maybe a little.
00:19First year it was really fun, but these last few months with Sarah have just bragged.
00:22Months? We've only been with this woman for a few weeks.
00:26Hey, don't knock Sarah, huh? She's here.
00:29She's into us.
00:30Plus, she's got half a pork chop I don't think she's going to eat.
00:34But we could be getting so much more out of a relationship.
00:38It may be time to take drastic measures.
00:41Wait a minute.
00:42All relationships have their ups and downs, so let's not do anything rash.
00:46And here's my favorite one.
00:48Dear Landlord, the heat may be off, but our friendship is still on.
00:56Oh, our friendship's still on.
00:59Ah, dumper.
01:02This city is exciting.
01:05Dangerous.
01:06Troubled.
01:08That woman's not wearing underwear.
01:10Is that all you can think about?
01:12Food and sex?
01:14Yes.
01:15Please, focus.
01:16Look out!
01:17No time for small part.
01:28We're late.
01:30Petty, hold the elevator.
01:32Petty!
01:32I think Louise is so sweet.
01:42I think this woman is wearing underwear.
01:45I think there's too many people in this elevator.
01:47And I think you are all idiots.
01:50That's gonna work!
01:51Listen up, people.
02:14Well, as you may have heard, the building maintenance staff went on strike last night.
02:19Since no one will be around to collect the trash, we have to find ways to reduce the paper waste.
02:24I'm way ahead of you, sir.
02:26Here, you got a few phone calls.
02:30What's this?
02:32Your wife called.
02:34Mr. Taylor from Editorial meets the Margaret Thatcher article ASAP.
02:37Your daughter called and canceled lunch.
02:39And your dentist says he said he got the x-rays from...
02:41Dr. Octopolis.
02:45And after conferring with Dr. Babacotti, they've determined that you need to see an endodontist.
02:51Well, thank you, Louise.
02:53Did he leave the number of the endodontist?
02:55It's right there in front of your face, right next to the map that tells you how to get to his office.
03:00Oh, yeah.
03:03Good morning, Troop.
03:05Hello, Herman.
03:07Hey, Louise, any messages?
03:08Just one.
03:09Sarah called me.
03:10Oh, wait.
03:16Well, I guess I better call her.
03:18Hey, Louise, how do you...
03:19How do you tell someone you're dating that you've lost interest?
03:22Well, there's sorry, Louise.
03:24There's Louise, it's over.
03:25And then there's those, for God's sake, Louise, let go of the door handle and get out of the cab.
03:31I don't know if I can use any of those.
03:33What is with you men?
03:34How is it you can be attracted to somebody one day and then just lose interest?
03:38Hey, guys.
03:38I don't know.
03:39One day the feelings were there.
03:40The next day they weren't.
03:42That's silly.
03:42I mean, I don't just wake up one day and hate raspberries.
03:45But if you had raspberries every day for the past three weeks, don't you think you might get tired of them?
03:49Maybe.
03:50Well, look, that's what happens.
03:51What about boysenberries?
03:52I'm sorry, Herman.
03:53I don't know what to tell you.
03:54Well, it's okay.
03:55I guess there's no easy answer.
03:56I really think boysenberries could be the answer.
03:58I mean, they're a little less tart, you know?
04:04What was that all about?
04:05They're on some weird fruit diet.
04:07It's making them irritable.
04:07By the way, Hetty, since we'll be saving paper, I think we should use this bin to recycle, okay?
04:17This bin?
04:17Why don't I use this bin?
04:18I'll just make a quick pass at the work and put them where I always do.
04:23Hetty, that's my inbox.
04:25That means I'll just be doing those files over again.
04:28I know, Louise.
04:29That's why we call it recycling.
04:31Don't talk to me about recycling.
04:34I wrote the memo, baby.
04:41Sarah called?
04:42Thought you two were finito.
04:44Well, not exactly.
04:45I've been trying to ease out of the relationship, so I've sort of been avoiding her.
04:49Well, if you want to get rid of her, the last thing you want to do is avoid her.
04:51She's just going to want you more.
04:52What'd you tell her?
04:53Well, I told her I've been busy with work.
04:55Oh, see?
04:55Now she thinks you're successful.
04:56No, I told her my mother was in town.
04:58Oh, good family values?
05:00Very appealing?
05:01I told her I had a bad cold.
05:02Prone to disease, so you're vulnerable.
05:05You got it all, man.
05:06You're a love techie.
05:10Jay, though hampered by apparent chromosome damage, may actually have a valid point.
05:14It's time to tell Sarah the truth.
05:17That we sleep in jammies and like to reread old Nancy Drew novels?
05:21No.
05:22That we're no longer interested in her.
05:24It's time to torpedo this relationship.
05:27Battle relations.
05:29Aye, aye, sir.
05:32All right, Jay, but trying to ease out of this, I was just leading her on.
05:35Yeah, a clean breakup is the only way to be fair to her.
05:38Now you're talking.
05:38Yeah, I'll tell her tonight over dinner.
05:41In that case, one more piece of advice.
05:42Make sure you order first, then break up.
05:46Why?
05:46By the time you get to the pickup window, ugly stuff is out of the way.
05:50Jay, get out of here.
05:52Jeez, get off the fruit diet, Mr. Grumpy.
05:54I really missed you.
06:01I feel like I haven't seen you in weeks.
06:03Yeah, well, lots been going on.
06:05Prepare to break up.
06:06Up the periscope.
06:10Target is in range, sir.
06:12Stand by to launch torpedoes.
06:14Do we really have to do this?
06:16It's for our own good.
06:17But what about the consequences?
06:19What if she goes crazy?
06:21Hey, Sarah, we have to break up.
06:24The neighbor's dog told me that this would happen.
06:29He said to come prepared.
06:34Stop it.
06:36She's not insane.
06:38All right, all right.
06:39But what if she doesn't speak English?
06:42Sarah, we have to break up.
06:45Okay.
06:48Quit stalling.
06:49We're breaking up with her now.
06:50Prepare the fire.
06:52Sarah, these last few weeks have been great.
06:55Great.
06:56Herman, I haven't had this much fun in a long time.
06:59Yeah, well, look, the thing is, I...
07:02Hold your fire.
07:05Wait till we have a clear shot.
07:07Oh, can't we just torpedo the busboy, too?
07:11We can't torpedo the busboy.
07:14Don't you understand?
07:14This whole thing is just a metaphor for breaking up.
07:19Oh.
07:21Do I get to keep the hat?
07:24I still don't think we can do this.
07:26You don't, huh?
07:27You hear that noise in the sonar?
07:32That's her chewing.
07:33That doesn't scare you, huh?
07:35What if something were to fly out of her mouth and hit us?
07:38Or land in our food.
07:42Okay, okay, do it!
07:43Fix target!
07:46Target lockdown.
07:49You see, Sarah...
07:50Target is in range, sir!
07:52Break up in five, four, three, two...
07:55Oh, my God!
07:57What?
07:57Over there.
07:59That's my ex-boyfriend, Chuck.
08:00I can't believe this.
08:02He's with Andrea.
08:03Who's Andrea?
08:04His assistant.
08:06All those nights he claimed to be working late.
08:08Special project, my ass!
08:11Oh, boy.
08:12Uh, are you okay?
08:14Actually, no.
08:16Do you mind if we go, please?
08:17Uh, no.
08:18No.
08:19Of course not.
08:20Damn!
08:21Well, we obviously can't break up with her now.
08:23Yeah, because now I'm all turned on.
08:27What?
08:28She said ass.
08:31I can't believe that he was with her.
08:40I feel like such an idiot.
08:42Would you like some more tea?
08:43Why was I so trusting?
08:44I should have seen it coming.
08:45You want to lie down on the couch.
08:46You know, he swore to me that when we broke up,
08:48it was because he needed some time alone,
08:50the dishonest bastard.
08:53You mind if I lie down on the couch?
08:54Well, we obviously have to scrap our plans to dump her.
08:59Let's just think of a way to get her out of the apartment tactfully.
09:03I got it.
09:04We get out the glass serving platter,
09:06we drop our pants and give her the pressed ham jamboree.
09:14You're right.
09:14It might give off a mixed message.
09:19Wait a minute.
09:20So we're not dumping her?
09:21Well, not tonight.
09:22She's been through too much.
09:24Herman, I'm sorry to go on like this.
09:27It just bothers me so much that Chuck lied to me.
09:30Thank God you're not like that.
09:33Promise me that we will always have an honest relationship.
09:37I promise you, Sarah.
09:39Sarah, we have to break up.
09:43I thought we agreed to wait.
09:45Who the hell fired that torpedo?
09:47I did.
09:47We can't lead this woman on any longer.
09:49Sir, I decide when to fire or not.
09:52I am the captain.
09:53Why?
09:53Because you're wearing the hat?
09:54Yes.
09:55But I can put on an admiral's hat.
09:59Yeah?
10:00Well, I can wear a hat that has a curly straw and holds two beers.
10:07Sarah, I'm sorry to spring this on you at a time like this,
10:10but you wanted honesty and I'm giving it to you.
10:12I feel like we had something, but it's just gone.
10:17Oh.
10:18I mean, you're a terrific person, Sarah.
10:20It's just that we don't really connect.
10:23I see.
10:24I'm really sorry.
10:27No, no, no.
10:28This is good.
10:30Better to know now than to let it drag on.
10:35Sarah.
10:38Sarah, I'm really sorry.
10:40It's okay.
10:42Thank you for being honest.
10:43So she hasn't called you once all week?
10:53Nope.
10:53I hope she's okay.
10:55It wasn't easy for her, but you were right.
10:56Coming clean was the fair way to end it.
10:59Have I ever steered your own?
11:00It was the time my family was in town
11:01and you recommended that jousting restaurant.
11:04You know my mother still hasn't gotten over that.
11:06You ever going to stop bringing this up?
11:07I told you, Herm.
11:08Forces have to go, too.
11:10I know.
11:11Oh, yeah.
11:13Wow.
11:14Oh, she's pretty cute.
11:16There's the old Herm I know.
11:18So you're over to Sarah then?
11:19Oh, yeah.
11:20Completely, right?
11:21Like no second thoughts?
11:22No.
11:22No regrets?
11:23None at all.
11:24Good, good.
11:25Is she sitting right over there?
11:29Oh, my God.
11:30I hope she doesn't see us.
11:31She might want to kill us.
11:33Oh, calm down.
11:34She's obviously just here having lunch.
11:36Besides, there are a lot of other people
11:38who want to kill us more than she does.
11:40There are?
11:41Of course.
11:42Here's a list.
11:44I should go over and see if she's doing okay.
11:47Yeah, all right.
11:47Um, if things get ugly and you need an out,
11:49tell her that your beeper just went off.
11:51Well, I don't have a beeper.
11:52Just make the noise.
11:55Thank you, Jay.
11:56Any more advice?
11:58Yes.
11:58Silk boxers.
11:59Being a man never felt so luxurious.
12:06Approaching ex-love interest.
12:07Caution.
12:08This may be awkward.
12:09Over.
12:10Roger.
12:10Proceeding on foot.
12:11How should we handle this?
12:12Over.
12:12Remain calm.
12:13And at the first sign of trouble,
12:14we dive under the table and scream like a woman.
12:17Over.
12:18Sarah?
12:20Hi.
12:20How great to see you.
12:24How have you been?
12:26Fine.
12:26Fine.
12:27You look, um, unbelievable.
12:31It just changed.
12:33She's like a different woman.
12:35Hey, don't let appearances fool you.
12:38This is the same woman who thought that the next big holiday was going to be Landlord Appreciation Day.
12:43Guess what?
12:46That idea I had about Landlord Appreciation Day?
12:48It got me a promotion.
12:51Boy.
12:52Do I feel stupid?
12:54Welcome to the club.
12:57Let's go play with matches.
12:58All right.
12:58Can I buy you a drink?
13:01Oh, that's sweet of you.
13:02But now is not a good time.
13:04Okay.
13:04You can always do it some other time.
13:06Like, like, uh, in a few minutes, maybe?
13:09Well, no, Herman.
13:11Brian.
13:12Hi.
13:13Herman, this is Brian.
13:15Oh, hi.
13:17Listen, we've got to get going.
13:19It's great to see you.
13:20Yeah.
13:21Bye.
13:21Bye.
13:23Wow.
13:24She's looking good.
13:25Isn't she looking good?
13:26She's looking good.
13:28Sure, and with that guy, I would have asked her out myself.
13:31So would I, Jay.
13:32I want her back.
13:39And this janitorial strike, I can't find anything.
13:42Me neither.
13:43Has anyone seen the Curtis file?
13:44Has anyone seen my stapler?
13:45Has anyone seen my contact lady?
13:47Oh, there it is.
13:48Hey, Hattie, I've got a problem.
13:52Think about baseball.
13:53No, not that.
13:55It's about getting Sarah back.
13:56Think about baseball.
13:58How's that going to help get Sarah back?
14:00Well, it won't, but it'll help pass the time while you sit at home alone and unwanted.
14:05You just have to play it cool, ignore her.
14:07Pretty soon, she'll start to come around.
14:09Then it backfires.
14:11She'll start to nag you and nag you until suddenly you realize you never should have married the damn bitch in the first place.
14:18Mr. Bracken, I haven't married her yet.
14:23Oh, Herman, I didn't see you standing there.
14:28Gee, look at this place.
14:29Yeah, it's a mess, I know.
14:31Well, it's not half as bad as our office.
14:33Just our luck.
14:33Night before the janitorial strike, we have the big office clambake.
14:38Did you come down here just to tell me that?
14:40Apparently I did, yeah.
14:42Well, if you excuse me, I have to make a phone call.
14:45You're not calling on Sarah Chick again, are you?
14:48Herman, please.
14:49You called her for three days straight now.
14:51Okay, I see what I have to do here.
14:53Excuse me.
14:55Jay, you can't handle her, man.
14:57You can't handle her, okay?
14:59She has bad stuff.
15:00You gotta get off her, man.
15:02I can handle her, all right?
15:04That guy Brian can handle her.
15:05Even Bracken can handle her.
15:07You can't handle her.
15:08You know why?
15:08You know why?
15:09Because you are an addict, my friend.
15:12You're an addict, Herman.
15:13You're an addict.
15:19Jay, Jay, this is making me very uncomfortable.
15:21Hey, hey, hey.
15:22One day at a time, man.
15:29I love you, man.
15:35Jay has it in his head that I'm obsessed with Sarah.
15:39You know, he's got...
15:41Sarah!
15:42Sarah!
15:43Oh.
15:44Hi.
15:44Uh, well, could you tell Sarah I called again, please?
15:46And can you make me, again, sound urgent, but with a shred of dignity?
15:50You can't?
15:52Well, uh, thanks anyway.
15:56Look, let's just give it up.
15:58What's done is done.
16:00Oh, I can't believe we broke up with her in the first place.
16:02We just didn't realize what we had.
16:04What are you guys talking about?
16:06We had it before we could have it again.
16:08All we have to do is have the courage to reach out and take what we want.
16:12Oh, you're right.
16:13We need to find Sarah and tell her how we feel.
16:18Sarah?
16:20I was talking about corn dogs.
16:23Louise, could you tell Mr. Bracken that I'll be back in an hour?
16:26Hey, the janitors are back.
16:29They are?
16:30Well, why wasn't I informed?
16:32What are you talking about?
16:33I left your note.
16:34Well, I didn't get it.
16:36Well, if you'd look.
16:44Todd, how are you doing on those Valentine's Day cards?
16:47I don't know anymore.
16:48You tell me.
16:50My darling husband, today is a day for loving and a day for forgiving.
16:54So, please forgive me.
16:57After all, they were able to sew it back on.
17:06Todd.
17:06What do you want from me?
17:07I'm burned out.
17:08I don't care.
17:09Give me something that I can use.
17:12Use this.
17:16Sarah, I have to talk to you.
17:17Herman, what are you doing here?
17:19Well, you haven't returned any of my calls.
17:21Well, I've been busy.
17:22Well, there's something I have to say to you and I can't wait.
17:24Well, it will have to wait.
17:25I'm working.
17:27Sarah, breaking up with you was a big mistake.
17:31Well, that's nice, Herman, but I'm afraid you're a little late.
17:34How can you say that?
17:35It's never too late for love.
17:41Herman, if it was such a big mistake, then why did you break up with me in the first place?
17:46Because, well, maybe because we were getting too close.
17:49Or maybe I was afraid.
17:51Afraid of loving you too much.
17:57Is that really why?
17:59Well, no.
18:03To be honest, I guess I just took you for granted.
18:06But now that you're gone, I...
18:09My heart is transplanted.
18:13What?
18:13What were you going to say?
18:16Well, I realize how much I need you.
18:18Okay, but it doesn't rhyme.
18:22Herman, we tried once and it didn't work.
18:25Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get on with my life.
18:28Goodbye.
18:29Well, this is embarrassing.
18:31Yep.
18:32Frank's right up there with the time in high school we tried to give ourselves a perm.
18:37Look, it was an ill-conceived idea.
18:39Let's just try to get out of here with a modicum of self-respect.
18:42No.
18:43We have to show her how much we care.
18:45Mere words aren't enough.
18:47We have to do something dramatic.
18:48We're going to leap up on that desk in a romantic gesture
18:51and proclaim our love for all the world to hear.
18:55Sarah, I am crazy about you and I got something to say about it.
19:01You...
19:02Herman, are you okay?
19:06Oh, no.
19:07No.
19:08I can't believe you did that.
19:10I'm sorry.
19:11I'm sorry.
19:13I'm sorry about this whole thing.
19:15I'll just go.
19:17Oh, and don't worry.
19:18I'll be out of your life.
19:20In about a half an hour.
19:23Herman.
19:24Herman.
19:29What?
19:32Would you like to have dinner with me?
19:36You mean it?
19:37What the hell?
19:38I mean, any man who would storm in here,
19:40scream about love,
19:41jump up on a desk,
19:42fall over,
19:43make a complete idiot of himself.
19:46Oh, now that I think about it...
19:47Oh, it's too late.
19:48You already said you'll go out with me.
19:50Besides, I'm...
19:51I'm done making an idiot out of myself.
19:55Oh, so long.
19:59Now I'm done.
20:07Tonight has been so much fun.
20:09It sure has.
20:10The ride through Central Park was great.
20:12The theater was great.
20:13It sure was.
20:14I guess in a word you'd have to say tonight was, uh...
20:16Great.
20:19How's the noise sound?
20:20Great.
20:23This isn't working, is it?
20:25Not on any level.
20:28Smiling like this is giving me a migraine.
20:30Or maybe it's from the exposed power lines outside our apartment.
20:33What are you guys complaining about?
20:35We're laughing?
20:37It's fake laughter.
20:38Like how we laugh when Jay tells one of those dirty limericks.
20:43Eh.
20:45And tuck it.
20:49Oh.
20:49Herman?
20:50Yeah?
20:51This isn't working, is it?
20:52Oh, no.
20:53Not on any level.
20:54Why don't we stop smiling?
20:56No.
20:56I'm all for that.
20:57Oh, thank God.
20:59Sarah, why isn't this working?
21:01I think you were right the first time.
21:02We just don't connect.
21:03I swear, when I saw you the other day,
21:05I really wanted to give this another shot.
21:08I believe you, Herman.
21:09But sometimes you want something just because you don't have it.
21:13No, you're wrong.
21:15She's right.
21:16You're right.
21:17So, what do we do now?
21:21Friends?
21:23Friends.
21:24Oh, Herman, no!
21:26You've got to kick this thing.
21:28Man, Jay.
21:29Say, you don't understand.
21:30We're just friends.
21:31Yeah, okay.
21:32This is for your own good.
21:33What are you...
21:33Come on!
21:34What are you doing?
21:36We pay for your own dinner, Tim Tracy.
21:44You don't think a car...
21:45Get with me, Al.
21:46I'm here for you, man.
21:48Let me out.
21:49Come on, Jay.
21:50Now, you're going to get through this, man.
21:51First 72 hours are the roughest, man.
21:54The first 52 hours, Jay, this is crazy.
21:57Come on, Sarah and I are just friends.
22:00Nah, nah, nah.
22:01No steps backwards, man.
22:03Got to quit this thing.
22:05Cold turkey.
22:07Cold turkey and ham.
22:13Monday on Fox 9 at the Movies.
22:14Join us for Tom Cruise and Risky Business.
22:16Whatever happened to that kid, Tom Cruise?
22:17Yeah, maybe he heard of Top Gun.
22:18I just thought he'd end up being a big movie star.
22:20A few good men.
22:20I expected a lot of huge films.
22:22Rain Man.
22:22All right, but Risky Business is Tom's best movie.
22:24You can watch it Monday here on Fox 9 at the Movies.
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