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FunTranscript
00:00In a moment I'll be locking two teams of comedians inside this box and forcing
00:04them to compete in games for a full day and a night. Now that might sound like a
00:08long time but trust me this is the best way to stop them filming travelogues
00:12with their parents. I'm Jimmy Carr, welcome to Battle in the Box.
00:20This is the box, 16 meters long, 3 meters wide. Remember social distancing? Well
00:27this is pretty much the opposite of that. Two teams will spend a day and a night
00:30cut off from the outside world. I snore really loud. Whilst competing in a series of
00:40games designed to test them to their very limits. You're a disgrace, absolute
00:48disgrace. Win and they can fill their side of the box with an array of luxury items.
00:53Here comes some stuff. I'm having pancakes.
00:56A xylophone.
00:57And a train set, choo choo.
01:01And more importantly they get to move the dividing wall deeper into their opponent's side.
01:06You might want to step back a couple of times now. The way you two are pushing it makes you
01:10look like you're actually enjoying it.
01:12In the final challenge one team will find the keys and escape with whatever they can carry
01:16whilst the losers will be locked in the box forever. Well not forever, just until the air
01:22runs out.
01:23Right, let's get on with the game.
01:29Throughout their stay I'll be keeping an eye on our guests. From here my personal
01:34lair. I wanted just to make a peephole but apparently there's all kind of regulations
01:38about that kind of thing now. Let's meet the teams. First to enter the box it's the
01:42orange team. Katherine Ryan and Tom Rosenthal.
01:44I think we're a good team. You know one of us is trash and I feel comforted by small places
01:50and one of us seems very privileged. Look at who's more relaxed.
01:54What do you mean?
01:57Smells just like a box.
02:01What a horrible dystopian vision into our future.
02:06I would say that I'm quite sort of deeply competitive.
02:09I could be friendly to the other team. I think lull them in with a false sense of security.
02:13Yeah, you be friendly and I'll be horrible.
02:15Tom will crush them.
02:16Yeah. I'm going to live inside their heads and make them regret the day they were born.
02:20We have like full spec.
02:23Oh, maybe there's going to be wine.
02:26Next to enter the box it's the blue team made up of comedians and best friends.
02:30Fatia El Ghori and Josh Jones.
02:33Is that where we're going?
02:36When I found out I was doing it with me I was like that's the right person for me to do it with.
02:40Aww.
02:41So.
02:42I think I can turn him guys. I think I can turn him.
02:45What's straight off?
02:48Both. Both.
02:51My mum will be so happy.
02:56Hold on, hold on. Where's the furniture?
02:59There is not furniture. You have to win the furniture.
03:03Oh, my God.
03:10Hello?
03:11Well, I imagine you're ready to find out who you're up against.
03:13Take a look at the screen and remember this is show business
03:16so be ready to pretend you know and like them.
03:20Ah, hello.
03:23You two are little besties, aren't you?
03:25Hello.
03:26Hello.
03:27Hi.
03:28What's that white thing on top of one of the boxes near your sink?
03:33That's a breast pump, but we'll get into that later.
03:35Yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:36I was wondering why we didn't have any of that.
03:38I just got jealous that I saw a thing that I didn't have.
03:41Yeah, yeah.
03:42You're about to see a few more things you don't have, Josh.
03:45Oh, jeez.
03:46It's a breast pump pen.
03:48In my luxury box I've had to bring a breast pump.
03:50Yeah.
03:51The feminists will be outraged.
03:53Don't worry, feminists.
03:54I've also allowed Tom to bring his penis pump.
03:59Well, this is your home for the next day and night.
04:02Take a moment to get to know your surroundings.
04:04And please, don't moan about the facilities.
04:06This box has got a solid two on TripAdvisor.
04:09Should we go through our boxes?
04:14Yeah.
04:15I've allowed the comedians to fill up a small box with items
04:18they deem to be luxury.
04:20And now I'm afraid they can't include a key to escape.
04:25Oh, I've got a fan.
04:27Aren't they good at that pass?
04:29Go on.
04:31You know, I'd just not do the same thing.
04:33No, but I did it a bit gay.
04:35I broke it.
04:36I broke it.
04:37I've got some sort of bunting with my dog's face on it.
04:39Oh, we should put that up.
04:42This is Kiki.
04:43Kiki.
04:44She's a Romanian rescue.
04:45We're not entirely sure because, you know,
04:47she's just roaming the streets of Romania.
04:49Oh my God.
04:50She is a bad bitch.
04:51So I've got some cheese.
04:54Okay.
04:55An onion.
04:57For what?
04:58I have a bit of onion and cheese toasty.
05:01Oh, look, that's perfect.
05:02Yes.
05:05Okay.
05:07Orange team, blue team, stand by for your first game.
05:11They say a man's home is his castle.
05:13In my case, literally, I am incredibly wealthy.
05:17This game is all about building a castle.
05:19The tallest one wins.
05:21Now stand back and get ready to play Castle Mania.
05:25Both teams have two minutes to build their castle using the bricks provided.
05:29The wall must be built around and on top of the portcullis.
05:33The fuck is the portcullis?
05:34Use only...
05:35That's like a gate thing, right?
05:37That's right.
05:38Their castle must be in contact with the gate thing.
05:41What is this, not a sugar brick?
05:44Teams, you have two minutes from when the klaxon sounds.
05:46Three, two, one, begin.
05:52So we need to make it strong but tall.
05:54That's right.
05:55So very much the Jimmy Carr of castles.
05:58You stick to this side, I'm going to do this side, alright?
06:00Ow.
06:02This is what we want to do.
06:03Don't you think?
06:04Yeah, absolutely.
06:05Or is that wrong?
06:08They said tall.
06:09I did, Josh.
06:10And do you know what else I said?
06:14Strongest.
06:15That's good sounds.
06:16We like those sounds.
06:23It's in my eyeball.
06:25I can't see anything.
06:28What the fuck are you doing?
06:29Is this not taller?
06:32Just give me one, I'll be able to put one above it.
06:35If it drops, I'm going to bite you in my fucking leg.
06:40The klaxon sounded, so...
06:42Time's up and the orange team have built a castle
06:44whilst the blue team have given their tribute to 9-11.
06:48Never forget.
06:49Look at my hijab.
06:50I look like a tramp.
06:53We literally did it when the klaxon sounded.
06:56Stand by, we're about to reveal the castles.
07:00Oh, Brock, we've won.
07:02Guys, I don't know if that's around.
07:03That's not technically around, surely.
07:05But it says the tallest.
07:08Well, congratulations, blue team.
07:09Your castle is the tallest.
07:10But you haven't won just yet.
07:11What?
07:12I'm going to give you a chance to lay siege to each other's castle.
07:15Whoever remains the tallest after all shots have been fired will be the winner.
07:20Now, stand back whilst my minions install the catapults.
07:24Ah.
07:25Oh, well, ours is going to get knocked over well easy.
07:28Each player has one attempt to knock down their opponent's castle
07:31by firing a projectile through the hatch in the wall.
07:34This show is great.
07:39Orange team, you're up first.
07:40Should we go to the kitchen in case they hit us?
07:42Good luck, Katherine.
07:43Thank you, Tom.
07:44Fire, fire well.
07:45Three, two, one, begin.
07:48Woo!
07:49Ya Allah, what is this?
07:51Look at this.
07:56Yeah!
07:58Woo!
07:59That's exactly the pinpoint accuracy I'd expect from a ruthless pro like Katherine Ryan.
08:04Oh, no.
08:06That's incredible.
08:07Sorry, I'm a fist bump.
08:08I'm a fist bump for future.
08:09I understand.
08:11How can you do it like this?
08:16Woo!
08:18And that's exactly the pinpoint accuracy I didn't expect from a hapless fop like Tom Rosenthal.
08:24They don't really seem to have anything left.
08:27So the blue team's castle, if you can call that castle, now just has three blocks on top of their port colours.
08:36Let's see what Josh has got.
08:38To have any hope of winning, it's going to have to be an inc...
08:43Oh.
08:45Right.
08:50Good luck.
08:52I don't need it because I've got prayer.
08:54Okay, cool.
08:55You don't really have much of a castle though.
08:58Here we go.
08:59It's all down to Fatia now.
09:01I just don't see how we can move.
09:02Don't say shit like that.
09:05Can she reduce the orange team's castle to less than three blocks with a single shot?
09:14Wow. Katherine looks shocked.
09:16Or at least she would, if she could move her face.
09:26Well...
09:28Sorry Tom, what was you saying?
09:31Don't worry about it, Jimmy's on our side.
09:34Sorry Tom, only side with winners.
09:35Blue team wins!
09:36Oh!
09:37That's not us.
09:38That's us!
09:39Tom, are you alright?
09:41Don't let Jimmy break you.
09:42I'm an angry man now.
09:44As the losers of that game, orange team are about to surrender some space to Fatia and Josh, which Tom seems absolutely fine about.
10:00They're riling me up, Katherine, they're riling me up, they're doing it deliberately.
10:04Well Tom, don't worry.
10:06The next game is going to be fresh.
10:08Can I have some of your breast milk?
10:10Sure.
10:12Blue team, spin the wheel and see how far this wall is moving.
10:17Depending on where the wheel lands, the wall will move between two and five spaces, leaving Tom and Katherine with less room for their pumping and bunting.
10:25That sounds filthy.
10:29To find out how much worse things get for them...
10:32It's not fair if it's high, it's going to be very high.
10:36Join us after the break.
10:42Welcome back to Battle of the Box.
10:46The light entertainment version of a Chilean mining disaster.
10:50After a frankly spectacular win in the first game, Fatia and Josh are about to discover how far the wall will move into orange teams' half of the box.
11:01It better be low.
11:03Five, five, eight, ten.
11:07That's ridiculous.
11:09That's ridiculous.
11:11I'm just repositioning my little area.
11:19Is that five feet?
11:21Five meters, maybe.
11:23No, Fatia. Five spaces.
11:25Oh, here we go.
11:27Nice, lighting change.
11:33Push that wall.
11:35Whoa!
11:36Fucking hell.
11:37Jesus!
11:38Oh, I feel really bad now.
11:46Tom!
11:48It's going further than a fart it was.
11:50I told you it would be five meters!
11:54This is...
11:55Oh, dear, Cathy.
11:56Oh, my God, and the dogs! Kiki!
12:08So they have Kiki now?
12:10Yeah.
12:11We've got half the dogs.
12:12Blue team also get to furnish their box with items from my shop. To find out how much box coin they get to spend, they must simply pick a box.
12:25Erm, pay!
12:27What is it, what is it, what is it, what is it, what is it?
12:33It's a thousand, but they could have won fifteen hundred, or even three thousand.
12:38Oh, we've got the least.
12:40At least they got the least.
12:42Grab your tablets and order your items.
12:44I would remind you, unspent box coin will be forfeited.
12:48Which, no great loss, I mean, we made them up.
12:51We have to spend it all.
12:53We have to spend it all?
12:54Yeah, he said it will be forfeited if you don't spend it.
12:57I wonder what fun items you can actually get in this hellhole.
13:00Good question, Tom, and thank you for the review.
13:02There are hundreds of things available, including essentials like meal kits for 250.
13:08The cookie jar with cookies.
13:10Sofas for 500.
13:12Can I get the armchair?
13:14As well as meaningless luxuries.
13:16I want a flamingo, but not now. I want a gnome.
13:19That serve no purpose other than to stick it to the losers on the other side.
13:24That's you, Tom, loser.
13:26I've processed it. I'm ready.
13:28I've managed to get over the terrific course of events.
13:32That's what I'm going to say when I'm no longer pissed off at home.
13:35I've processed it.
13:37How long do you think we've been in it? I hate not knowing what time it is.
13:40I feel like we've been in here maybe an hour and a half or something like that.
13:44Is that it? I was going to say like five hours.
13:47Nah, bruv.
13:48I would have paid 200 of the dollars to know what time it is.
13:54It's actually been three and a half hours since they first entered the box.
13:57And as Tom practises what I can only assume is his sex position he learnt at private school, Josh is getting box proud.
14:04You'd make a good husband, you know?
14:07Yeah, like a house husband.
14:09If my boyfriend made more money and I could quit comedy, I'd have to go all the way to Hull to tell dick jokes.
14:17Just stay at home and make a pie.
14:18So what are you not good at at home? Like if you had to split the chores, you and your boyfriend, what would you think you hate doing?
14:25Well I wouldn't do anything, I wouldn't like change a light bulb or do anything like that.
14:29Oh is it?
14:30We don't live together but I told you because he's dead manly, right, because a cupboard in me kitchen broke.
14:36And he came round with a toolbox and a bouquet of flowers.
14:39I've honestly never sucked a dick so hard in my home's high life.
14:42It was actually super easy to fix. The blue team's purchases have arrived, including an armchair, which makes sense, a Christmas tree, which really doesn't, and a barrel of biscuits.
14:55Plus I've even unlocked the handy hatch.
14:57Do you want a cookie?
15:02Mmm.
15:04Oh Josh.
15:06This is like the Wizard of Oz.
15:08I'm sorry if I didn't know you was proper napping.
15:11Thanks for sharing Josh.
15:12No worries.
15:14Um, you know how I said that I processed it?
15:17Mhm.
15:18I don't think I have processed it.
15:21Josh and Fatia also spent a hundred box coin on a mystery item.
15:25Here's the bed.
15:28Guys, I'm so sorry.
15:30Look at it.
15:32I got a bed.
15:34Good luck fitting that through the hatch, Tom.
15:36We've got to get back in the competitive spirit. We need to win some stuff.
15:40Do you want me to give you some socks or something to cover your eyes?
15:44No, I'm not going to sleep because I won't sleep tonight.
15:48Is it comfy?
15:49It's all right, yeah.
15:51It's game time. Stand by for this important message.
15:57Jimmy!
15:59It's time for the World Series of Everything.
16:03Do the thing before your opponents, and when the clacks and sounds, whoever's got the most wins, wins.
16:08Let's go.
16:09We can't lose this, Catherine.
16:11Do the thing before your opponent.
16:12Do the thing before your opponent.
16:13Oh, look, here's the Jimian.
16:15What are we doing?
16:16In this game, our teams will take part in a series of head-to-head challenges.
16:20First team to five victories takes the overall win.
16:23And refereeing on the floor for me, my recently rebranded Jimians.
16:27Copyright pending.
16:29Do what thing?
16:30Oh, what?
16:32It's not done enough.
16:36We won that.
16:37You did, Catherine.
16:38One-nil to orange.
16:41Inflated balloons the size we had.
16:43Where's the balloons?
16:44Check the bathroom.
16:45Where are the balloons?
16:46The balloons?
16:47They're in the bathroom.
16:49What balloons?
16:50The balloons in your bathroom, Josh.
16:52But who needs balloons when you've got the power of mind?
16:55We don't have...
16:56We literally don't have balloons.
16:58Maybe try the bathroom?
17:02Catherine there trying to inflate a bin bag.
17:04Well, either that or she's having a panic attack.
17:08Oh, here it is!
17:10Finally!
17:11Now blow, Josh.
17:12Blow like that balloon has just walked in with a toolbox and flowers.
17:18Oh, right, I thought we went out for a go in there.
17:20It's a bathroom, Tom.
17:21Why are you not allowed in bathrooms?
17:22Excuse me.
17:25Blue team have got a head start, but they still need to tie them off.
17:33Tie the knot, tie the knot.
17:37Tie it, yeah, tie it.
17:42Oh my god, my finger's stuck.
17:45No, I can't do it.
17:46Don't do it.
17:50They got the first one, though.
17:56Do a laugh at the box.
17:57I don't know what, we can win that.
18:01Our box is way bigger!
18:07Orange team, take the lead.
18:08Oh, you are joking!
18:09No, no, my mic sucks!
18:10Get in it, jammer!
18:11Ah, no!
18:13He took my wrist.
18:14He's grabbed!
18:16Oh, thank you!
18:17Multiply your ages.
18:18How old are you?
18:1940!
18:2080!
18:21100!
18:22Multiply my ages!
18:23How old are you?
18:2435!
18:25Yeah, I'm joking!
18:26Apolologies to anyone watching with a GCSE in maths!
18:36It's 42, 84, and what's yours?
18:39Oh, do I have to time to each other?
18:40Yeah, I'll go!
18:41Yeah, I'll go!
18:43yeah so apologies to anyone watching with a GCSE in maths it's 4284
18:50and what's yours? Oh do I have to times it John?
18:54Me at you is 72
18:5872 but you have to multiply it
19:00apologies to anyone watching who can spell the word maths
19:031200 would be 40 times 30
19:06so 40 times 5 is 200
19:081400
19:091400
19:11That's 4, one more and Orange win this
19:18Kissed Kiki the Romanian sweet dog
19:21I love you Kiki
19:23Aw thanks guys
19:25Go go go go go go
19:29Well done teams, the winner will be revealed on the screen shortly
19:33We must have won some
19:35I've got another pair, do you want a pair?
19:37No, maybe later you know
19:39Alright and the winner is the orange team
19:42Yay well done
19:44Blue team you were dog shit
19:45Thanks guys we needed that to be fair
19:47Thank you
19:48There we go
19:52Back to the dusty floor
19:54Yeah I don't actually fancy getting back on the floor
19:57I fancy getting some furniture
19:59Let's not get ahead of ourselves Tom
20:01First we have the small matter of reclaiming the box
20:05Now they've won one
20:07I won the next one
20:09We have to otherwise it's going to be like where the blue share is
20:13Oh
20:15Oh
20:16Oh
20:17He's got some metres back
20:18When you're ready
20:19Tap the button
20:20And see how far the wall will move
20:22There's only one 5 and they got it
20:24So what are the chances?
20:26Just try to get a 5
20:275 will only get us back to like
20:29Come on
20:30I'm really sorry if it's anything but 5
20:32Not a 2
20:33Not a 2
20:34Not a 2
20:35Oh it's a 2
20:36It's going to be a 2
20:37I mean it's amazing
20:38It's incredible stuff isn't it
20:39Couldn't have been worse Kevin
20:41Couldn't have been worse
20:42Sorry Tom
20:43It's going to move
20:47I think it'll just go to where they'll get the dogs back
20:53Push that ball
20:54What a skill here George
20:56She's going to stop where the white things are
20:57Yeah it's where the white things are
20:58Kiki
20:59Kiki
21:00Kiki
21:01We get all of Kiki Leek
21:03There we go
21:04This is a lovely sign
21:05This is workable
21:06We start out small and then we clear up a bit
21:08We feel good about ourselves
21:10That's not bad
21:12We pushed it quite far you know
21:13It's exciting
21:14It's exciting
21:15It's exciting
21:16It's fun
21:17It's fun
21:18It's fun
21:19It's fun
21:20It's fun
21:21We pushed it quite far you know
21:22It's exciting
21:28I'm sure you want to know how much money you've got to spend in the shop
21:31Or pick a box
21:32I'm not getting involved
21:34I'm wrecking everything I touch at the moment
21:36B
21:38B can't be the lowest twice
21:40That's small
21:46Yes
21:49We're rich
21:50Hello I feel so bad for you blue team
21:53Do you know how to do massages?
21:55Yeah
21:57No
21:59Tits out
22:04Right now get out your tablet and spend some of that cash in my shop
22:09So exciting
22:10This is fabulous
22:11This is actually
22:12This is brilliant
22:13So
22:14I thought you said you know
22:15Oh
22:16Watch when the chair breaks
22:17Let me get up
22:18Let me get up
22:19Coffee machine
22:20300
22:21Yes please
22:22Coffee table
22:23Just one
22:24250
22:25Two full English breakfasts
22:28Now we've spent 1500 pounds
22:29One vegetarian
22:30Yes
22:31Ideally vegan
22:32Although with eggs
22:33So Tom doesn't know what a vegan is
22:36Just like Josh doesn't know how to pleasure a woman
22:38You touch like a little bird
22:40Who knew?
22:42Oh
22:43Could I get a fucking robe?
22:44Of course
22:45Why don't we get a xylophone?
22:47Yeah and that's done
22:48That's what's my
22:49No
22:50Is that not done?
22:51Hang on
22:52Jimmy can you confirm that my math is correct or can you get in touch with your disgraced accountant?
22:57Was that three grand?
22:59Firstly your maths is fine and secondly my disgraced accountant is now one of the Jimmians
23:05Ask him yourself
23:06Here comes some stuff
23:09The Jimmians
23:13Jimmy?
23:14Your luxury items have arrived
23:16They're at your door you can collect them now
23:17And er
23:18Don't make a rug for it
23:19I don't want to have to set the docks on you
23:21Thank you Jimmy
23:22Look the door's open it's green
23:24Oh
23:25Okay we have to start with the rug
23:26Are you going to make us some food?
23:30I'm going
23:34Can you imagine if you just lost your shit right now and be like
23:37See you later I'm out of here
23:39I am going to pace a bit just to get me steps in
23:45Well that's it for this part join me after the break when I'll continue to torment people in exchange for money
23:51God I love this job
23:52Welcome back to Battle in the Box
24:02It's been nearly six hours since they first entered the box and both teams are showing their true colours
24:08Josh and Fatia are making the best of a bad situation
24:12Now pretend you're me and just chat and I'll do little handling
24:15You fucking mug
24:17You fucking dick
24:18That's quite a good deal actually
24:22Whilst on the orange side even after winning
24:25Tom can still be a moany
24:27I said comic
24:29Didn't fully anticipate that we had to sort of cook the English breakfasts
24:32What?
24:35I really think that that's
24:37Oh no
24:38Something that I'm that keen to do
24:39I would say that Tom is entitled
24:41But then again even my butler has a butler
24:43Did you ever watch X-Men?
24:45I was just about to say that
24:46Like when they put you in like a box where we can't use our powers
24:49Yeah
24:50And I'm like oh what would I set fire?
24:57Despite Tom's initial complaints orange team have started preparing dinner
25:01Well Catherine has
25:03I won't let you have two at a time you bastard
25:08It's like being on like a really shit holiday
25:11What happened to the night?
25:14Yes it's Amy
25:19What are we doing with our lives Catherine?
25:22This is so weird
25:23Well if you will insist on cooking breakfast before bedtime
25:26It will feel weird Tom
25:28If I make it at one of those cheese toasties would you want one?
25:32Mm
25:33I can make it now
25:34If they're cooking I might as well just cook
25:37Have you had grilled cheese American style?
25:40America
25:42Have you heard of the US of A?
25:45I'm going to take you there
25:47Through your taste buds
25:49Oh yeah
25:50Yeah
25:53It's nice the xylophone you know
25:58Very healing frequencies
26:00I love new Tom
26:02Spiritual guru
26:05Fuck it
26:06This is going to be the shittiest one I've ever done
26:11Oh that's the wrong side you stupid fuck Josh
26:15And now I've got to butter it while it's in
26:18Oh this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me
26:21It's also the worst thing that's ever happened to bread
26:24This is
26:26Shut up
26:28Look at the smoke
26:33I'm never going to get booked for anything again
26:36Certainly not master chef Josh
26:39Well maybe naked attraction
26:41What are vegan sausages made of Tom?
26:44I don't know
26:46Self-importance
26:52Well this was an absolute disaster
26:54Well even a Romanian street dog wouldn't eat that
26:59I'm in a great mood now ma'am
27:01That's delicious
27:02Thank you so much
27:03Thank you
27:04I've absolutely ruined the sausages and it smells like fire in here
27:06I might change that
27:08No look at how burned mine are
27:10Oh dear
27:12That poor pig
27:13Don't worry viewers
27:14Those are vegan sausages
27:16They need them to offset the pollution next door
27:18This is really nice
27:20Thank you
27:22Yours came out alright
27:24Do you like cheese?
27:25I love cheese me
27:27Me too
27:28You can't eat too much of it though
27:29It's not great for your digestive system cheese
27:32No
27:38Whilst Josh and Fatia digest their cheese monstrosities
27:41In Orange Box Catherine is opening up to Tom
27:45I wrote a song about my husband when we were teenagers
27:47Yeah
27:48And I just remembered it one day
27:49And I was like
27:51I remembered every word
27:52I was like
27:53Do you want to hear the song I wrote about you?
27:54And he didn't like it
27:56He didn't like the song?
27:58What did it say?
28:00It goes
28:02I was naive enough
28:04To believe all that stuff
28:07That you told me that you love me
28:09Love me and now I wanna say to you
28:11Now that we're through
28:13Oh that's quite sweet really
28:15Fuck you!
28:16Fuck you!
28:17Fuck you!
28:18Fuck everything and everyone you do
28:20Um, I was kind of the original Taylor Swift
28:23Yeah, now you've sung it
28:24I can understand why you didn't necessarily appreciate it
28:27That's what you get when you smash the heart of a 16 year old girl into a thousand pieces
28:30Yeah
28:33Yes
28:34Okay teams, stand by for your next game
28:37Oh fucking hell, I've heard it
28:41To win this game it's gonna take massive balls
28:43Balls like that to be precise
28:45You have one hour to create a balletic routine inspired by my most flexible minions
28:50Best ball control wins
28:52You're fired, get out
28:54This is ball routine
28:56An hour
28:58Yeah
29:00Well at least we know what an hour's gonna feel like
29:02That's ages, especially for a couple of absolute Gs like us
29:07The iPad says this
29:09You'll watch a dance and then you'll have to come up with your own
29:1260 second ball routine to impress the minions
29:15I've given both teams a gym ball and sweat bands
29:18Which is everything they need to prepare their own balletic routines
29:22Balletic?
29:23What's balletic?
29:25I think it's, you know when you're like, when you do that and then I pass the ball to you
29:29So we have to keep the gym ball between us
29:34Please look at the screen, my minions have prepared a little demonstration for you
29:39Terrible
29:42That's already, that's absolutely dreadful
29:44What is that?
29:46It's like one of those old people exercise classes that you see
29:49Oh, that's crazy
29:51That's quite nice, that's quite nice
29:52That's quite nice, we'll feel that
29:56Oh, yes, we're doing that, we are doing that
30:03Ooh, are these motherfuckers dancers?
30:06They're not dancers, they're minions
30:09Or, Jimmians
30:13Oh, wow, Tom
30:21We can do that
30:23Oh, they can bounce
30:25Yeah
30:27Can we do that?
30:28Get the fuck out of here
30:32Yeah, fair play actually
30:33That was stunning
30:34Right, strictly
30:36Right, all right
30:38Fair enough
30:40Right dancers, you have one hour to create and rehearse your routine
30:45That's beautiful
30:47This is Josh's big chance to redeem himself after the catapult fail
30:51And the massage fail
30:52And the cheese toastie fail
30:54Roll it down
30:55Should we just give the win to the orange team now?
31:01Well, what are you going to do while I am like this?
31:05I'm going to miss myself
31:09That would be the toasty
31:15Things look very professional in the orange box
31:18That's really good, isn't it?
31:20Whilst Fatia and Josh
31:21What do I do?
31:23Appear to have given up entirely
31:32And, you know what we're doing?
31:33I forgot
31:35Very soon these four are going to perform their balls off for my minions
31:39Which team has what it takes to win them over?
31:42Find out after this break
31:45Oh, Christ!
31:48You all right?
31:49I meant commercial break
31:50He's okay
31:52Not ankle break
31:53Welcome back to Battle in the Box
32:03It's been over ten hours since Tom, Catherine, Josh and Fatia entered the box
32:08For almost 60 minutes they've been preparing a ball routine to impress my minions
32:12I think we're good
32:14All right
32:15They'll be judging on coordination, grace and style
32:18Whilst I'm only interested in petty infighting
32:20Josh?
32:21Yeah?
32:22You guys suck
32:23Yeah, you suck actually quite a lot
32:25I actually think we've devised quite an emotional piece
32:29Well, you're wrong
32:30Do you know what we've called it?
32:32What?
32:33Catherine and Tom lose
32:36Ooh
32:37Ouch!
32:38Now, hoping it will add some extra spice to their routine
32:41Tom and Catherine have come up with a compelling narrative
32:44We're fighting over the ball, right?
32:46Like the ball is our child, you know?
32:49And we are a divorcing couple
32:51But through the dance maybe we actually realise that we should be together
32:54Okay
32:55Meanwhile in the blue box, Josh shares an equally dramatic story
32:59What happened to your elbow and you got a scar there?
33:01My brother threw me over his head and my bone popped out when I landed
33:05Oh no!
33:06But I broke both my arms
33:08I got that finger chopped off and sewn back on
33:09Why did you do that?
33:10I got my finger stuck at one of those metal fences like that
33:15I fell off and the finger stayed on
33:18And the teacher had to grab it off the fence
33:21And it works okay?
33:22They had to take a skin graft from me bum
33:24So that's from me arse cheek
33:26Boo!
33:28Bum finger!
33:29Have you got a scar in your bum?
33:30No
33:31No
33:33Blue team, you're up first
33:37Prepare to show the world
33:39Your ball control
33:41Don't laugh
33:43Two of my criminally underpaid minions there
33:45They'll be the ones judging this game
33:47Please begin
33:48Oh that's nice
34:07Interesting
34:09Interesting
34:15No
34:18It's quite moving
34:26They're just showing utter disdain to the ball
34:37And she spat on her
34:38This is grotesque
34:42There is drama to it though
34:43That's quite a poignant moment
34:48I don't know if that routine has a name but I would call it bumfinger
35:01Fucking hell
35:03Thank you blue team, the minions will now reveal their scores
35:06Oh
35:13Yay!
35:14Is that out of seven?
35:16Unbelievably, that's out of ten
35:18I can only assume that the many head traumas my minions have suffered
35:22Are finally coming back to haunt me
35:24Thank you
35:27Seven
35:29They just paid almost no attention to the ball
35:31There was no dance, there were no tricks
35:34Katherine?
35:35Yeah?
35:36Did you get to see ours?
35:37Yeah
35:38Oh, we're going to get to watch it
35:39It was very moving
35:40It was very dramatic
35:41Thank you
35:43Orange team, it's your turn now
35:45Assume the position
35:49We're rooting for you guys
35:50Oh, they have the ball in between them
36:08What would you do that?
36:15This is some art school motion
36:17Your nose is bad
36:18That's what we were supposed to do
36:19No, it wasn't
36:20We said they're looking for poison finesse
36:26That's what we were supposed to do
36:27No, it wasn't
36:28We said they're looking for poison finesse
36:42I'm sorry, violence is poison finesse
36:47Get the fuck out of here
36:49Get the fuck out of here
36:50Gah!
36:54Gah!
36:56GAH!
37:01Thank you Orange team, stand by and await the Minions score
37:04They've won
37:05They've won
37:10Oh my fucking...
37:11Ten, ten, ten, we've got ten
37:12We've got ten, we've got ten
37:13We've got ten
37:14I knew you were good guys
37:17Thank you Jim Jens
37:18Respect you, respect you
37:19You've got good taste
37:21Well done, that's fine
37:22And the winner is...
37:23The Orange team
37:25Woo, woo, woo
37:26Thank you
37:27Thank you
37:29We really put everything into that talk
37:30Yeah
37:31You really
37:32I feel like I actually might be a ballet dancer
37:33I think you are
37:35Oh yeah, dance
37:37Do you want to just do it again for fun?
37:38I don't know
37:41Well done guys
37:42Well done
37:43Well done
37:44Well done
37:48Oh my head
37:49The other room is going to get smaller
37:51Our comedians have been trapped inside the box for over 11 hours now
37:55And as if that wasn't bad enough, the blue team are about to lose some of that precious floor space
38:00But how much?
38:01Let's find out
38:06Ooh
38:07Jimmy
38:09Tap the button and find out how far the wall will move
38:12Oh, you press the button
38:13Good luck
38:19Oh God
38:21He's letting it be too
38:23He's letting it be too
38:25No
38:26No
38:27No
38:28Yes
38:29Yes
38:31So good
38:32So good
38:33Random chance
38:34Yes
38:38It's going to be there
38:40You're going to see more Kiki's in a minute
38:41I don't know
38:42I think actually we can see all the Kiki's
38:44Oh yeah, you're right
38:45Kiki's going to have a lot of space to run around
38:47Space to express yourself
38:51Look at the sky
38:52Yeah
38:58Push that wall
38:59Yes, please
39:00Yes, please
39:06You can't lose again
39:07I mean, this is just basically a cleaning job you're giving us
39:15Oh, don't worry
39:16We'll use the dustpan and brush
39:17Push it out
39:18Do you know what?
39:19We're right in front of the TV
39:21Do you know what?
39:22We're right in front of the TV
39:28I kind of wish we got something other than that tree
39:31Er, we will
39:32Well, let's find out how much money you've earned for that round
39:39Pick a box
39:40We're cleaning, Jimmy
39:42Which one would you pick?
39:44I'd go for C
39:46Let's say A
39:49B
39:50Wow, really?
39:52I respect it
39:53Worked last time
39:56Ah, shit
39:58God
40:00The bee tactic failed
40:02I just thought it can be the lowest, but it is
40:04Right, now get out your tablet and spend some of that cash in my shop
40:08Oh, here we go
40:09Modular sofa unit
40:11That's 500
40:13Bookshelf, miniature globe
40:15Get yourself a modular sofa
40:17I don't know, Emma
40:18I mean, I don't want to sort of, like, commandeer the decision-making, but
40:20Go ahead
40:21I get everything I need in this, do they?
40:23I feel like I let you down
40:25Why?
40:27No, he wasn't
40:29Sofa, please
40:30Modular sofa unit
40:32Jimmy
40:34For the first time in this battle, Orange team are living in the larger half of the box
40:39They're nice little digs, Tom
40:41Meanwhile, Blue team are plotting their revenge
40:44I went to watch Blink 182 and some prick elbowed me in the head
40:49So I punched him and then ran away
40:51And despite getting a brand new sofa, Tom Rosenthal is still not a happy boy
40:57I do think that we have a chance of winning, but this entire thing seems to be run by psychopaths, so I don't know
41:06I don't know
41:08Coming up in the next episode
41:10Looks like someone's wiped their bum with it
41:12More walls
41:14Yeah, that's starting to feel good
41:16I don't want to lose again
41:17More falls
41:19No!
41:20And more balls
41:22Holy fuck, this is well arched
41:24But only one team can stick it out
41:26This is one of the weirdest things I've ever done in my entire life
41:29And escape the box
41:31I couldn't do this for an extra day
41:34I couldn't
41:36Well that's the end of this show, but not the end of the battle
41:38It could end in one of two ways
41:40One of them could get murdered, or one of them could get pregnant
41:43I'm hoping it's both
41:45See you next time, goodnight
42:12See you next time, goodnight
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