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Reality Realm US
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Short filmTranscript
00:00I'm just so bored.
00:04Please, can I pop to the petrol station?
00:06Well, of course you bloody can't.
00:08What have you seen?
00:09I'll wear a disguise.
00:11It's Jeff, the one who shoves petrol pumps up his jacksie.
00:13No, that's pigfish.
00:15You mustn't tell Neha.
00:16We can't keep lying to her.
00:17We tell her the truth.
00:18No, we definitely can't do that.
00:20Mum, please, this is fraud.
00:22You can go to prison.
00:23Look, I am sorry that your dad has died,
00:26but just being rude to me is not going to bring your father back.
00:30Evening-looking massive twat.
00:36Oh, thank God that's over.
00:39I'll tell you something.
00:40You needn't worry about me ever having an affair.
00:42I did not enjoy all this lying.
00:43Yesterday, right, I was having a yop.
00:45I normally wolf them down, don't I?
00:46Not this time.
00:48Kept getting caught right there, stuck.
00:49I thought it was acid reflux,
00:50but in hindsight, I think it was just anxiety.
00:54You're going to kiss me?
00:56I am the police.
00:58How could you not see the problem that your dad faked his death?
01:01I can see it.
01:04I can see it.
01:05I just think it might be better if we don't look at it.
01:07Your parents must give that money back.
01:09You need to tell them to come clean.
01:10Of course.
01:11Okay.
01:15What about the jet washer?
01:17Oh, my God.
01:45Good morning, darling.
02:01Oh, yeah.
02:02I've got your pills.
02:07Drink up.
02:15Deborah.
02:18Don't worry.
02:19I'm not going to smash your legs in and make you write a book.
02:23You were having one of your parky thrashes again last night.
02:26Oh, God, was I...
02:27You were like a pig with its head stuck in a fence.
02:30Thank you for your sympathy.
02:31You are welcome.
02:33Deborah.
02:33Debbie.
02:36You're going to leave me like this?
02:38I think it's for the best.
02:40Oh, if it's just a nip to the petrol station.
02:44Yeah.
02:45But you're meant to be dead, dear.
02:48Deceased, demised, expired, and ex-William.
02:52Which means no more nipping or zipping or dipping or popping or whipping or even schlepping.
02:59I was careful.
03:00I wore the wolf hat.
03:01You got into a car with a serving police officer.
03:04Yeah.
03:05Yeah.
03:06You're a moron.
03:09But you're my moron.
03:11I ain't touched her bread.
03:18You crawled over when you thought I wasn't looking.
03:21But I was looking.
03:21Oh, I knew you were looking, you swivel-eyed crone.
03:24All right, let's keep it civil.
03:25That is abusive language.
03:27Councilor Fendon, could you...
03:28Much more of this story I'd have to put on with.
03:31Right.
03:32What exactly is the problem here?
03:33I'm seeing it, saying it, sorting it.
03:36He has been stealing the bread off the floor that I was saving for the birds.
03:40Is that true?
03:41No.
03:41So why are you hiding your bag, then?
03:44Am I going to have to check the black helicopters?
03:46You know those cameras see everything.
03:49Do you want to tell me the truth?
03:50Truth is open to interpretation.
03:52Just empty your bag, Prupert.
03:59Thief.
04:00All right, let's not gloat.
04:02Come on, Mayor.
04:04Wish she can arrest him.
04:05It's a very complicated situation.
04:07Why don't I take you to the drop-in and get you a nice hot drink?
04:10It's closed.
04:12What?
04:13What? Since when?
04:14Bye, then.
04:16No, that's a disaster.
04:18I guess the council's spending all its money on black helicopters.
04:22Probably not ethical to confirm conspiracy theories with people like him.
04:26Works, though.
04:27Do it on George all the time.
04:28It's stealing bread and I'm the bad guy.
04:31What will it take to get some justice?
04:36What on earth are you doing?
04:38Well, it's for his own good.
04:39Stop him escaping again.
04:41Like Ronnie Pickering.
04:43Who's Ronnie Pickering?
04:44The great train robber.
04:46No, Ronnie Pickering wasn't a great train robber.
04:47Well, maybe not great in the truest sense of the word,
04:50but it was pretty bloody effective until they caught him.
04:53Ronnie Pickering wasn't a train robber, great or otherwise.
04:55Oh, my God.
04:57Are you saying they got the wrong man?
04:58No, he's saying you don't know who Ronnie Pickering is and we don't either.
05:01So who do I mean?
05:01Oh, it doesn't matter, Mum.
05:02We have bigger fish to fry.
05:03Give me a letter.
05:04What does it begin with?
05:05No, don't give him a letter.
05:06Please.
05:06R?
05:06Not for Ronnie, for the surname.
05:07Oh, um, B or maybe D.
05:10Is anyone listening to me?
05:11Hello?
05:11The Ronnie Wood.
05:12No, no, it's not him.
05:13Guys.
05:13It's in that band, the who?
05:15Ronnie Wood.
05:15I don't mean who, I mean the who.
05:17Jesus Christ, please, just shut up.
05:19So do you know who it is?
05:21No, Mum, please, no more Ronnies, please.
05:22Okay, we need to talk.
05:23Of course we need to talk, but we're in the middle of something here.
05:26Yeah, and I don't care.
05:27My marriage is at risk here.
05:29Nayar has been very, very clear.
05:32You have to give the money back.
05:33Right.
05:34So will you?
05:36No.
05:37I can't.
05:38I can't.
05:39I can't.
05:39Harold, when your father was forced to retire, that insurance company declined to pay out
05:44because his symptoms didn't meet the definitions of their policy.
05:48Can you imagine being told that your Parkinson's doesn't qualify?
05:53When you can't get to sleep, you can't get out of the bath, you can't even get an erection without some Viagra.
05:58My darling, let's keep some mysteries.
06:00Well, no, my point is that that firm can swivel.
06:04I get the point, but Nayar has said...
06:06Oh, Nayar, Nayar, Nayar.
06:08I know you're married, but do you have to do everything she tells you to do?
06:12Which reminds me, would you mind getting...
06:13Not now, William.
06:14Debbie talking.
06:16Now, look, look.
06:17I appreciate that this is tricky.
06:20Tricky?
06:21I hate to say I told you so.
06:24But?
06:25I told you not to tell her.
06:28You think this is my fault?
06:29Oh, that's very big of you, to admit that.
06:32Good boy.
06:33Now then, if you'll excuse me, I've got something very urgent to attend to.
06:37No, no, no, we're not done here.
06:38Urgent, Harold.
06:40Urgent.
06:40Mum.
06:41If you want to do something useful, go and Google who Ronnie Pickering is.
06:48Mum, please.
06:49We can't just brush this...
06:50Oh, God.
06:51It's starting to sound like one of those yappy little dogs that I hate.
06:53Yeah, because I'm very stressed out and I don't cope well with it.
06:56The other day I was having a yop and I got caught right...
06:58Oh, don't be such a boneless bloody bucket.
07:00You think you're stressed?
07:01Try being me.
07:02Yeah, but your stress is stress of your own making.
07:04Is it?
07:05Well, then explain this.
07:07Found that in my pocket at the Bulls Club last night.
07:10Oh, my God, this is a...
07:15Yeah, um...
07:16Who sent it?
07:17I don't know.
07:18I mean, the choice of font is...
07:20What?
07:21Is it a clue?
07:21I don't know about that, but...
07:23I mean, graphically, it's strikingly uninspired.
07:25Yeah, you said I initially thought it was one of your jokes.
07:27Mum, this is not a funny joke.
07:28Yeah, that's why I thought it was one of yours.
07:30Mum, come on, we're being blackmailed.
07:32What does Dad think?
07:33Well, I haven't told him.
07:35God, he gets into a tiz if the aquifresh doesn't come out in clean stripes.
07:38How do you think he'd cope with being blackmailed?
07:41No, I need to get down to the club
07:42and find out who planted that by accessing the CCTV.
07:46How are you going to do that?
07:47CCTV involves computers, Mum.
07:49Last time I checked, you can't open an email.
07:50You don't need to be technical when you've got womanly ways.
07:54Oh, Christ.
07:55People don't stop having sex just because they're in their 60s.
07:58Yes, I know.
07:59Your generation is obsessed with telling us.
08:01I'll have you know that your father and I enjoy a very active,
08:04very experimental sex life, thank you.
08:07Ah.
08:07Despite the Parkinson's.
08:08In fact, sometimes because of the Parkinson's.
08:11Sometimes when he's had his pills,
08:12he's got the libido of a young Callum Best.
08:21Clive will be putty in my hands.
08:27CCTV is only viewable by management.
08:30But they are my favourite earrings.
08:33And I am basically management.
08:34No, you do three shifts a fortnight behind the bar
08:37and we have a robust cyber policy, which I am not breaching for some earrings now,
08:42if that's everything.
08:43Thanking you.
08:44They were an anniversary present from William.
08:48Oh, you're emotional.
08:53It's just been so hard, you know.
08:56It's okay.
08:56I understand your mental state has been diminished by the death of your husband.
09:01It's been so very, very, very, very, very hard.
09:06Getting used to being single again and the lack of physical touch.
09:12I think this would be best done with one of the other women.
09:17No.
09:19I need a man.
09:21Clive, would you happen to have a robust policy that covers loneliness?
09:28That might be covered by a club's code of conduct.
09:32But in this case, sorry, I just need to swallow some saliva.
09:39In this case, it's not in ours.
09:43Oh.
09:45You wouldn't fetch me some tissues, would you, Pat?
09:49Yes, I suppose I could.
09:50Yes, thank you.
09:51Although, you're not just getting me to leave so you can go on my computer.
09:56Do you really think so little of me?
10:02Why are you taking so long to answer, Clive?
10:04Okay, I'll go.
10:06Actually, come to think of it, I've got some tissues right here in the drawer.
10:09I always keep them near the computer in case...
10:12Well, never mind why.
10:18Here you are.
10:19Ah, ah, no, you see, those have got balsam in them, and I'm allergic to that.
10:27Really?
10:27Yeah, if I blow my nose on that, my face will swell up like a bubbin's arse.
10:32Honestly, Clive, I was hoping you'd make me feel better, not worse.
10:36Oh, all right, all right, just wait there, I'll be right back.
10:39Thanks.
10:46Right.
10:49Oh, um, um...
10:58Oh, God.
11:05Bollocks, um...
11:06Um...
11:09Of course.
11:14men so stupid
11:18oh fuckery bollocks
11:22Debbie where are you going I've got your tissues
11:26keep them you shouldn't use the balsam ones for your monkey business Clive
11:31you'll get a rash on your bell piece
11:33right you all saw that I'm being harassed
11:39well I actually didn't see it
11:40oh yes we all know you're bloody blind Jean
11:43what's a bell piece
11:48it's the mushroomy bit on the end
11:50you know what don't worry about it
11:55yeah thanks for coming back to untie me
12:01mad that's a sentence that makes sense in this family
12:04can't make a bit of space there can't get that down there
12:07what are you doing
12:07your mother has a very transactional approach to marriage
12:11you know when I'm in her bad books she withdraws my snuggle time
12:16why are you both so obsessed with telling me about your sex life
12:18I suppose we're just pleased we're still smashing
12:20oh my god yeah that's why I'm trying to earn back some brownie points
12:25get tvs ready for digital switchover how old is this list and I'll admit that's been overly on the back burner
12:38oh my god oh my god we haven't missed it have we
12:40return vhs of eyes wide shut to blockbuster
12:42good film
12:43what's that sexy
12:46salt cupboard of doom
12:48yeah that's what I'm doing now
12:51I mean look look at the date on that
12:52best before 1988
12:56yeah you want you want to hang on to that that's basically an heirloom
12:59I'll treasure this when I'm alone in my bed sit
13:01don't worry you and Neha are going to be fine
13:06just do what generations of brave fendons have done before you
13:11grovel like a turkey with no shame
13:15so how'd it go with telling your parents
13:35oh yeah yeah fine and good news you are just in time for pasta al chiqueno alfredo al broccoli
13:43um yeah so i've done all the washing uh the kids are in bed
13:50and can i just say you look like a movie star tonight
13:56oh you pathetic worm
14:00you have to give the money back we don't want to debbie i'm trying to help if you can clean now with your
14:07good characters impeccable you might get away with community service yes i might but what about
14:13his criminal record it was just a caution a caution for indecent exposure is not going to go down
14:19well is it you've got a caution for indecent exposure it sounds worse than it is right yeah
14:24because it sounds quite noncy it was a simple misunderstanding coming back from my work doing
14:28birmingham i thought before driving home i told him to take the train i'd treat myself to a nice
14:35takeaway curry in the car and as you know i do tend to rather overindulge and unfortunately i ate so
14:41much that i had no option but to to loosen my trousers no option but then i had a couple more
14:49barges you know for the road and i thought you know what i'm going to be a lot more comfortable if
14:54i just if i let's just let my trousers right down and let the whole area breathe a bit
14:59why does your brain work the way it does the pickle arose when i started to feel a bit sleepy
15:04i don't know must have been weaving a bit and before i know it there's flashing blue lights in
15:10the mirror and the police pulled me over and it's all step outside of the vehicle so keep your hands
15:15where i can see them and your trousers were yeah they thought you'd been yeah but but i wasn't
15:22and well i wouldn't i couldn't frankly after all that curry but uh mud sticks uh as unfortunately
15:30does cucumber writer and that is why we can't go to the police and that is why i never eat poppadoms
15:38anyway you know come on bacon puff anyone found them in the cupboard pre-9-11 but uh still up to
15:45snuff no they can't because they've got to rush off haven't you so thank you for coming over and and we
15:51really really appreciate your support and your concern are you for real you think we can just
15:55carry on life as normal um yeah harry
16:03i don't think we're hurting anyone yeah so okay then you leave me with no other option
16:21deborah fendon deborah don't call me down that makes me feel like i'm getting told off deborah
16:26fendon i'm arresting you on suspicion of committing fraud by deception you do not have to say anything
16:30but it may harm your defense if you do not mention when questioned something which you later reliant in
16:34court anything you do say may be given in evidence you know all that off by heart are you gonna come
16:42quietly well am i permitted a poo first
16:49uh yeah okay
16:56did you see that harry that is how you do it
16:59sorry too busy to be arrested
17:16crikey haven't seen your mum move like that since they had 50 percent off uggs at bista village
17:21now wait i cannot associate with criminals criminal we're not criminals we're wallace and
17:31grom here you two might be but your mum's a penguin with a rubber glove on her head i'm going oh no
17:36i'm coming with you no you can stay here actually in fact you can live here until you and your parents
17:41learn the difference between right and wrong
17:51i need to find mom could you let me know when you have because i'm in her good books again and
17:57before she gets back i thought i'd have a nice bath and maybe you know pop a viagra what makes you think
18:03i would possibly need to know that
18:24you can have me hat if you like it's also whoever you're hiding from don't recognize it
18:29well is it that obvious takes one to know one word of warning if you are out in the village tonight
18:36make sure you've got protection what like condoms no some that ward off evil spirits right most
18:46effective armor i've found is petrol that's why you exactly
18:53well look i'm glad you found something that works so well for you i think i'll probably just stick
19:00to the vitamin d myself
19:04you stick that up your arse do you
19:13it's broken britain pigfish it really is
19:25oh oh
19:26want me to spark him while you make a run for it he's my son if anyone's gonna spark him it'll be me
19:35how did you find me well you've always sought salvation in batter
19:38how did it go with clive couldn't even get past the password yeah you did well to turn the computer
19:43on you should not even be able to do that
19:51it was on already
19:54let me drop you home
19:55uh no that's okay no what me and neha having a bit of a break neha and i
20:06well that's not good is it no no no
20:23thank you
20:24william we're back
20:37dad
20:39help
20:45dad
20:47help
20:48where are you in here
20:49oh oh jesus hey you after another police caution no i'm stuck i had one of my parky freezes
21:00just been here for three bloody hours
21:04why didn't you wait for me just getting ready for the you know the snuggle time oh oh yes i see
21:12hello friend oh please guys oh it's getting abusive now
21:16all right all right there we are just the help there that's it oh god there we are
21:37oh
21:39oh
21:58debbie can i come in
22:00you and those boys are the most important thing in my life and i was a rotten pig
22:16to do anything to risk that
22:19if i took the rap do you think i could keep william out of prison
22:24i don't know
22:29either way i've um i've got a list here of where all the money's gone just in case it helps you get it
22:36back
22:37you've spent a lot
22:39i know but it doesn't go far what's that oh that's jeff's taxi fund yeah for his hospital visits
22:46oh and this yes that was a big splurge i paid for billy to see a sleep expert because honestly when
22:54she's snoring it's like a walrus is being crushed to death i thought i'd get a check for sleep apnea
23:00because it can kill you you know sleep apnea halfords 400 pounds yeah that's harold's jet washer
23:07he does love it he told me it was 200 quid on sale
23:14five grand what's that on yes i haven't spent that one yet because i was waiting to see if you
23:19and harold would help me it's a go fund me for the drop-in center because i was just chatting with
23:25pigfish and apparently they've been totally shafted by the cuts i mean it's broken britain they are really
23:32oh well so shall we go to the station then
23:42on balance i think i prefer a custodial sentence you know i've seen what community service entails
23:48it's gardening litter clearance scrubbing graffiti off walls and frankly it looks
23:54shit you know at least in prison i can spend 23 hours a day in my cell you know a lot less work
23:58uh could even get ripped and bummed is that a good or a bad thing it's it's a thing i must confess
24:12there's a bit of me that is relieved how come some frigger has found out about william and sent me a
24:19blackmail letter are you joking no look look not while i'm driving debbie no sorry sorry sorry
24:28so after you've taken me down promise me that you'll find this bastard and nail his bollocks to his
24:34backside
24:43oh you missed the turning what's going on
24:51mayha
24:58maybe a copper but first and foremost i'm a pragmatist
25:26also your your uncle's a drug dealer so you can't get too high on your horse
25:30that was never proved i mean he was just looking after it for a mate oh 14 tons in a warehouse his
25:36warehouse ignore him he's just a blooming pedant the important thing is thank you for seeing this
25:43isn't just black and white shimon no not now so i might not agree with what you've done how you've done
25:51it why you've done it where you've done it and who you've done it to but ultimately i can't disagree
25:56with charity so as long as we keep doing the right thing i think i can look the other way on a few
26:02other bits and bobs so just to be clear you mean the fake death the fraud and her evading arrest
26:08yeah are we all on the same page yeah yeah oh i don't love that term same page it's like all those
26:18other americanism so aggravating aren't they you know moving forward do the math i'm going fanny
26:25packing the gray squirrels yeah now what's that got to do with it american invaders and horrible little
26:31rats you know eating our native red squirrels out of house and home well that's really not to do
26:37it's the same things from america yes please guys can we focus yes entirely focused you carry on
26:44yeah cheese bite anyone from the year we invaded iraq yes please no welcome i love you
26:54now say what you really want to i'll get that can we keep the jet washer yes
27:01nice hello hello hello mrs ventton yeah i want my money call it's a petrol station midnight tomorrow
27:13i want my money call it's a petrol station midnight tomorrow
27:19try what's that uh ronnie pickering
27:23uh ronnie pickering
27:33uh ronnie pickering
27:39uh
27:46uh
27:48uh
27:50uh
27:52uh
27:54uh
27:56uh
27:58uh
28:00uh
28:14uh
28:16uh
28:18uh
28:20uh
28:22uh
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