Around
Oh, we’re in a maze with no end
But I’m amazed to no end
Darling, we don’t ever have to pretend
Who knows what or who we choose
Right now I’ve nothing to lose
You love me, I love you — Around by Niki
Kei’s Point of View
It was one warm evening when I strolled around the street. It was so noisy inside my head, my day well… let’s just say it’s not amusing. I could feel my body aching due to the lack of sleep in the last few days and suddenly I could feel my sight was blurry, my head was pounding and I realized a couple of tears had escaped my eyes.
I stopped by the park, sitting down by the stream and holding on to my purple water bottle so tight while trying my best not to break down at that very second.
“It’s a public space, hold it in. Inhale, exhale, count to five” I repeated the mantra five more times until I felt someone’s hand on my shoulder and I swear to God I almost jumped to the stream.
“Ano! Lo gila ya! Gue hampir nyebur!!!!” I was yelling and pushing the guy named Ano (Aldiano for you, Ano is for me. You have to earn it) and hitting him with all my might.
“Ya kalo lo kecebur gue tinggal ikut nyebur” See, see that’s the thing about him. He always knows what to say. He always made me feel at ease, he made me feel that trusting him was easy and I know he felt the same.
“Kok lo tau gue di sini?” I asked, genuinely confused because I didn’t remember I talked to anyone after I heard that I didn’t get the promotion that I have been working on for the past 6 months.
“Lo ga bales chat gue dari siang, I called your office number but the extension failed so I assume you went home but something told me you’re here” He said with a shrug and sat next to me. We sat in silence for a while looking at the stream and the sunset. He didn’t ask a thing, he didn’t do anything, he just sat there with me.
And that’s him for me my whole life. He’s just… there. He’s always there throughout every season of my life. He is the strong-firm safety net that I know I can always run to in times of need. His laugh and cheers are guaranteed to be the voice that I hear in every milestone too. My whole being is just so used to having him around and I don’t even dare to think about doing life without him. But we’re not dating, we’re not in a relationship because it feels like putting a label to whatever we have is just… too vague, too shallow.
“I didn’t get it, the promotion. And I don’t know what to do next, No. Lo tau, balik ke Indo bukan opsi buat gue. Gimana pun the paycheck here is better. Tapi without the promotion… and with Clara going to university. Gue gatau gimana caranya harus bisa cukupin kebutuhan di rumah…” There’s no more tears when I dropped the news, all I could feel was only emptiness. It’s the third year we both moved to Melbourne for our master degree and now we’re working here. For me, I need to leverage my income to help my family but for him… I didn’t exactly know why he stayed though but it’s nice to have him around.
“We’ll figure it out” See, “we” he said “we”.
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“It’s my problem, No. You don’t have to figure it out with me. Hidup lo tuh enak, No. Lo ga perlu ikut jadi orgil karena gue hahaha” I joked around. And his next move got me blown away.
He grabbed my shoulder and turned me to his side so I was facing him, face to face. I am pretty sure I looked so confused that time.
“But I want to figure it out with you, Kei. Lo selalu bilang kalo lo gatau gimana caranya hidup kalo ga ada gue and you think that your dependency towards my presence is not healthy at all. Tapi sama, Kei, sama. Gue juga ga tau gimana hidup gue kalo ga ada lo. You are the only constant thing in my life sejak waktu itu lo nangis karena pensil lo gue patahin. Gue mending ikut jadi orgil atau walk through hell back and forth as long as it is with you rather than not having you at all” I didn’t say anything, I just blinked and stared at him before I took a deep breath and I braced myself to say this.
“No, kalo lo sama gue terus… lo nanti ga akan punya pacar. I will always be the enemy to your future girlfriend”
I could hear him sighing and he took my hands. He drew circles on the back of my hand.
“But I don’t want to have any future girlfriend..”
“Maksudnya gimana sih”
“Bentar dulu, Kei. Let me finish.” I just nodded to his order. He was firm and so sure, it was so different to what I was… vulnerable and small.
“I don’t want anybody else but you. I know you are so against having any label to your relationship, hence why you always stayed for your situationship and I am not proposing anything here either, Kei. I just want you to know that I will be here, walking right beside you. You can pretend anyway you want but I know you also know that what we have here is stronger than just a childhood best friend type of relationship. I don’t mind at all having you yelling at me when you’re drunk as long as I will always be the one you call. I don’t mind hearing your stories as long as you’re not tired of sharing it with me.. Dan gue mau membersamai lo di semua fase hidup lo, Kei. Jadi soal hari ini, don’t worry we will figure things out” He said all of that looking straight to my soul and I’ve never been so sure that life would be okay. I didn’t realize when but I cried so hard and I held his hand tighter.
“Lo jangan tinggalin gue ya, No” I felt like a jerk because that’s the only thing I could say after his long, long confession.
“Mana pernah sih, Kei. Mana pernah” And automatically I fell into his embrace.
“Gue ngomong panjang lebar cuma dibales peluk sih sedih sih, Kei” I laughed tto his comment and the next thing he knew was I kissed his cheek, “As long as we both know we’re on the same boat, I know I will keep sailing despite the wave.”
He smiled and ruffled my hair, “That’s my girl.”
