17/9/26
21:31
genuinely i didnt want to come on here today cause i got nothing to write. today was a good day. i doom scrolled, binge ate and bed rotted.
23:00
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i miss you ray. i brag about being better, not crying anymore about the whole thing that happened but then i come across your face in my phone and i am just like, did this really happen? am i trippimg? maybe if i treat it like an external case study i willl be able to understand and process it better? why i am hurting exactly and what exactly is being mourned? what could have been? what was already in motion? what i was hoping will come out of the new experience, exposure? a better me, perhaps? what is stopping me from chasing what i might have wanted? whose hands do i think it is in? am i just a scaredy cat? will i ever stop being scared? waiting for my personal saviour? when they do find thier way to me will it last well enough? do i want better days? am i the one holding myself back? i wish i didnt have to answer all these unneccesary questions. im tired. huge case of FAFO. i dont even want to fuck around anymore lol i would like a bowl of isolation and casual ships please. i cant even go through all this again. and the only person that can understand me is not here. i am screaming into the void hoping your subconscious can pick up some of the signal at least. i am hoping that somehow, some of my wails are loud enough for you to acknowledge, hold on to and trace back to when you can. a tiny part of me also hoping you didn’t give up on home yet. i’m still here.
food count? supagettiiiiii, then tea with biscuits twice. go me abi? something different today.
you had just got me those rain boots, remember? i was so grateful. you always fill my cup ray and i am everly so grateful. my own personal ray of sunshine. (y)our bed and wardrobe measurements are haunting me. i am making this draft in your notes. i miss you, i hope that you are okay.
i do not care how distant you get. your physical self, the memories of you. i will hold on to you. everyone else might forget about you completely but i’m always here. always ray, i never left. come back to me. i’ll be here tomorrow. and the next. holding out for you. we go again tomorrow.
