07/09/26.
i need a hug.
12:52
will there come days where i’ll be sob-free? i woke up to so much crying and im crying still. i’m not feeling so great today about living, take me out of here bikonu. i have experienced i feel like ripping myself apart crying but not screaming till i can’t feel my own tears fall anymore crying. i am beefing the concept of existence and patience and inequality and being a black gay nigerian atm. so allow me cry to my heart’s content and hate every being that has made me feel this way. i’m sure i’ll bounce back. everytime i open up about how i feel and i get ‘be patient things will get better’ or ‘you’re so strong, you’re doing a great job’ i genuinely lose a tiny piece of my shit. i’m very close to madness, closer than you reading this might think. nobody told me if you don’t have expectations it means you’re giving into being the toughest soldier on the planet. can a girl catch a break?? somehow all the reassurance and motivation just vanishes into thin air once i’m feeling this way. now i want to die again. me that wanted to live yesterday.
i remember the list i wrote for my ex best friend, reasons for them not to end their life just yet. i made that list about 3 years ago and ever since then ive tried so hard to make myself one but i cant even begin the list. is it bad to be content with the bare minimum that ive explored and experienced? i want to die bro take me out of the game already. what am i here for??
taking a walk and crying all the way cause nobody understands how heavy my heart is rn. wait that kind of makes me mad. how can the day be this beautiful and it could also easily fall under a bad day for me? i’m so mad at everyone having a good day, im so jealous.
15:21
21:14
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i’m alive!! food count? rice and ewa. i eat the same thing almost everyday lol. dinner is promised but idk how spicy i’m feeling about cooking. there is owambe moimoi but idk if my palate would like that rn. i’m going on a celibacy journey, there’s no one to fuck anyway. maybe my rose can rest too.
economy hitting me so hard i am going to be spending one of my artifacts LOOOL i’ll have my friend make another for mee when next we see. this one has given its life to sapa. thank you for deciding to be our sacrificial lamb. dyk what i bought with it? rum. maybe i’m an alcoholic. i don’t care. will i be able make dinner? stay tuned oh.
23:12
in da kitchen we cooking stirfry!!!
im making noodles. ill show you when im almost done, my phone is about to die.
voila!
well water got into my charger port and my phone is very low so i’m just going to eat, watch something and we go again tomorrow :)
