How do I actually find a job that isn't retail?
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I’m in the US, no degree, and absolutely sick to death of working in retail.
I’ve tried all the jobs website. They haven’t even gotten me an interview. The only job search method that’s ever given me results is to think of businesses near me and apply to them directly. But that only leaves me working more retail, since public facing businesses are all I’m interacting with.
I just want a job that pays my bills, and lets me work on a consistent schedule. I’m so sick of having my hours constantly whipped back and forth. I just want to go to bed at the same time every day.
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OneWomanCreamTeam
I worked retail and retail adjacent for almost 20 years. I just started a corporate job for a very big electronics company. The answer?
Know people.
I know it sucks to hear, but it really truly is who you know. I got lucky once but it’s seriously all about the connections you make. Your best bets are from informal friends. People who know you well enough to say you’d be good for a job, but they’re not invested in you either being there or not.
The only reason I am where I am now is because I made connections. Read the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” if you’re an introvert. It helped me understand how people view each other’s interactions better.
There’s a lot of remote jobs too that you can start looking into. Use your retail planning and selling experience for remote sales roles or remote account management.
This aspect cannot be overstated. I landed my biggest* jobs because of my professional network. Moreover, I landed those roles during some serious labor market carnage: Dotcom Bust, Great Recession, and the current knowledge career uncertainty.
*Highest salary, longest running, best environment, most career growth, or some combination thereof.
My first job was pizza delivery for a local shop. My mom knew someone who worked there, and I got the job through her. They weren’t exactly hiring for the position yet, but they knew they were going to need someone seen because their current delivery guy was going back to college in a couple months. She knew I was looking for a job, floated my name to the owner, and he called me.
Second job was a warehouse shipping/receiving position. Again, got it through a family friend who was their accountant or something. He mentioned they were looking for someone, I said I might be interested, and he basically set everything up for me to come in and interview and I was basically hired on the spot.
Now I work in 911 dispatch. This is basically the only job I actually found and applied for myself, I saw they were doing some sort of hiring event and I thought it was something I could do. Still though, I worked my connections, my brother in law is a firefighter, and knows a lot of people in local public safety/first responder circles, so I got him to ask someone he knows who works here to put in a good word for me. It could be that I just really impressed them, but I only had one interview and a lot of people who got hired at the same time as me, some arguably with more impressive resumes, had to go through an additional round or two of interviews.
So as the old saying goes, it’s not so much what you know as who you know.
When I was applying for jobs on my own back at 16-18 years old, even shitty retail gigs, I never seemed to get anywhere, online, paper applications, etc. never seemed to go anywhere, occasionally I got an interview but they never panned out. But when I know someone, or know someone who knows someone, I have a 100% success rate of getting hired and I’ve gotten to skip some of the bureaucracy to boot, and they’ve turned out to be pretty stable, reasonably well-paying jobs given my level of experience and such.
This sucks sooo fucking much, but it’s true. I don’t network, and the only way I’ve had decent jobs is by the people in the company getting to know me and moving up. My current job is at the place I did security for, for 3 years while getting my degree.
If you like working with your hands, look into education for the trades. People that do trade jobs are only getting more and more rare these days so theres a good chance you can get a job that way and it pays waaay better than retail in a lot of cases.
Also like others said, knowing someone is also ideal.
I just paid someone $500 to do a simple water line to my dishwasher. Huge rip off. But they get paid well. $200/hr.
Its only gonna go up. Fewer and fewer folks know how to do real work.
Exactly. I’d recommend everyone try and fix things themselves at least sometimes. I try and fix small things I don’t want to have to buy again if I can.
Sometimes it makes sense to pay someone, but its a good skill to have.
I stay away from plumbing and gas in my house because I don’t want to blow up or get flooded. But I do all my own electrical because I know what I’m doing!
I’m with you there. Plumbing I would avoid. I could do it, but like you said, flooding or just water damage in general makes me think twice. Gas I would be more ok with but even then I’d be wary of it.
This right here. I know so many people who got into the trades and made $100-250k per year here in the Midwestern US. That’s after just 5-10 years in a trade. Starting out it might be half that, but you get raises as you advance in the trade and if it’s a union trade you usually also get good yearly raises. So some trades will advance your pay every 6-12 months as you step up through the apprenticeship. So you move up quickly and you’re getting paid for nearly all your training (minus some studying you do in your personal hours).
If you’re willing to work overtime, plenty is available. As others have said, there’s a large demand for people in the trades.
Check local union halls. Many of them will even help you with job shadowing people in the different trades so you can check the jobs out beforehand.
What about customer support?
That can be a launching point as long as it’s within the company. I know several people who started in those sorts of positions and moved up quickly to non-customer facing roles.
I started as a customer service rep at a call center and moved to senior server administrator within 5 years.
Many call centers also offer tuition reimbursement which is great too.
There’s no way this job will exist in a couple of years. All of it is garbage chatbots already.
Get on as a construction helper. Zero experience required, just show up on time with some basic tools every day.
Emphasis added.
what would basic tools be. Seems wierd they expect the person to show up with tools for a general helper job.
Measuring tape, speed square, pencil, bags, durable and weather appropriate clothes/shoes. Lunch. Water. It’s just the industry standard.
thats not to bad but I honestly do not know what a speed square is unless its that little 90 degree angled metal thing maybe?
It’s that little 90 degree angled metal thing.
ok so thats not to bad. really everything discocactus listed is pretty common in any job except for the pencil, tape measure, and speed square. The speed square is then the only not common thing.
Yeah. “Bring your own tools” is a pretty common policy in a lot of blue collar work. The company might technically provide the tools you need - but they will typically provide the cheapest, shittiest versions. So the workers will bring their own tools, which are higher quality. And since they are personally owned, they are less likely to get broken or “walk away”. And since everyone is bringing their own tools, the guy at the job site who is supposed to bring the tools gets lackadaisical about that part of his job.
So you show up as the new guy, first day on the job, and they say
“where’s your hammer?”
“I dunno, I thought you guys had hammers”
“Joe, we have any hammers?”
“We got some at the office”
And now you’re just gonna stand around all day not doing shit, feeling embarassed that you don’t have a hammer. And then you go to the hardware store and buy a hammer after work that day, so Joe is able to continue slacking off at his job of remembering to bring the hammers.
If youre super green (no experience at all) they wont expect much. You wont need much for the first year other than being able to show up, listen to directions, and not hurt yourself or others.
A framing crew will expect you to have basic hand tools more than a general construction company would. One is teaching you a trade and the other just wants a laborer.
Being a good helper gets you started toward something better. A lead, a contractor, whatever. I work for myself now, and that is very achievable for anyone.
Depends on the trade but tape measure and pencil+sharpie is standard. Framers will need hammer and speed square, electrician will need strippers, lineman pliers, etc.
Most stuff will be provided by whoever youre working with but you’ll be expected to invest in your tools periodically. If you have to borrow something twice, you should pick it up.
Also, good protective shoes. Im a big fan of my Keens.
I was going to recommend this as well. Or going the apprentice -> journeyman route.
Nepotism. Who’s your daddy and what does he do?
My dad’s a gynecologist. He looks at vaginas all day long.
And if he bites you, you get rabies and die
Try some sort of construction or electrical installations.
Then you learn useful skills, AND youll likely be one of the smarter people there (Lotta folks are the kind who drink a 30 pack of Busch and go to the strip club daily. Not exactly geniuses). so eventually you can get into designing drafting or management.
Or just look into drafting. Read up on how factories work. We need smart engineer type people.
Otherwise , movie theater or bowling alley? Arcade? Those jobs are hell of a lot better than Walmart. Pays shit tho.
Or, janitor. We always need people to clean. Hell, even with my full time job, I cleaned offices on weekends because it was so easy and gave me extra cash. In my case I did it alone which was great, headphones in and just clean.
Try a temp agency. Many have temp to perm positions in offices and factories, some staff trades and labour. Is it ideal? No. But my current job pays me $26/h and I started as a temp 10 years ago.
i can attest to this, not for myself, but for people at my workplace.
i was hired directly, but a majority of my coworkers were hired here because of temp > permanent hiring. small warehouse job.
Another thing to consider: learning a trade.
I don’t know what the trades are like in the USA but here in the UK, once you have a tradesperson you like and who does an above-average job, you go back to that same person until they retire.
It could be anything people need. Electrics or plumbing are high-skill trades and really well paid. Cleaning is a good low-skill trade, it’s hard work but it’s a job for life. Buy some tools, get good at it. Start with windows, they’re easy and basically everyone needs it, and all you need is a squeegee, a clean towel, and a bucket. Get a dedicated business phone number and email address. Print up some flyers with fixed prices (find out what other local businesses are charging and undercut them slightly until you get on your feet) and your business phone number on, and distribute them as far as your legs will carry you.
If you’re reasonably good at using computers (you probably are if you’re posting here?), you should be able to find office jobs where your job is to enter information into computers or do similar “secretary"-like tasks. But I don’t know what it’s like in your area.
Landscaper, tree worker, construction.
I see “hiring” signs for these jobs all over the place.
Go to EMT school. It’s a fairly short program. Shouldn’t be terribly expensive.
Do you know any EMTs? I do, and it sounds like you might also. In the US at least, this seems the opposite direction of what OP is asking. Long hours, low pay when amortized over hours on call, high stress, but potentially great personal satisfaction. Also potential career track to other first responder/medical roles, which can be another plus, e.g. wilderness SAR, marine emergency SAR, trauma nurse*, etc.
If I have any of that wrong, I sincerely would enjoy additional context and discourse.
*A close friend from high school went the EMT->trauma nurse route. He has the temperament for it and absolutely rocks it. He is doing waaaaay better financially and spiritually than most of our social circle. His hours aren’t consistent *per se*, 3 days on, 3 days off plus any additional shifts he wants. He could have retired about 5 years ago, but loves the work too much.
They said “no retail” and regular hours.
There certainly are standard EMT shifts. And pay varies a lot depending on area of the U.S.
OP didn’t indicate where they were looking.
Find what sector you want to work in and start educating yourself about it. Even online certificates help. Most jobs work on a consistent schedule.
If you are dead set on going at this with no education and nothing of value on your CV, look into factory and warehouse work. It’s boring and repetitive though. Another option is municipal work, they sometimes have good paying jobs with little experience needed.
It’s been decades now, but when I was still in school I worked for a temporary employment agency for a couple summers. I had an interview with them so they could get a feel for my qualifications, then they would line me up with random office jobs that could last anywhere from one or two days to a month or more. For most of one summer I worked in the mailroom of a law office.
If you can find an employment agency like that near you it might be a good way to get your foot in the door. Keep your eyes open wherever they send you and see if there might be chances for longer term jobs. The experience of being a temp with a good work ethic can also look good on a resume.
Temporary agencies was always how my wife always found work. She had old school office training in high school, so she could always get a temp job, and sooner later she’d find one that would last a few months, and eventually they’d just want her to stay on permanently. It never failed to get her job somewhere.
You need education. Either a college degree or a licensed trade skill. You also need experience in a related field.
You also need to know what you want to do. You can’t just magically walk into a high paying job with good pay without paying your dues, unless you’re a nepo-baby who has a parental/family hook up.
This is good. But “need” is perhaps too strong. Lots of highly successful people without education. Lots of highly educated people who couldn’t cut it. Plus it too has barriers of it own (costs, loansharking student loans)
It’s good, but isn’t the only way.
This right here.
Annecdotal, but I have never worked for a company nor in a team that did not have a fair share of people that took the work experience route instead of the school route. It took them longer to get to the jobs fresh college grads were applying for and they had to work some shit jobs on the way, but that real-world experience gave them a perspective that college never could and it was a valued resource that provided immense benefits to the teams they worked with.
Statistically, no there aren’t. Just because you know some people who did well in life, doesn’t mean they exist in abundance. And many of them, it’s usually because they had some inherent advantage in life, like their parent getting them a career. If your dad is a CEO is pretty easy for him to get you a high income job w/o any education or experience, yeah, but that isn’t most people. It’s a visible minority.
The vast majority of people with median or higher incomes are educated, or skilled, and those who high incomes are highly educated and highly skilled.
unless OP is gifted in manipulation and/or amoral, and willing to fleece scam and exploit other people, it’s very unlikely they will have a great job without education and skills or connections. And many people with education and skills and connections, are still underemployed, often by choice though.
None of what you say is wrong. Statistically speaking you’re making two mistakes:
You are overemphasizing what is the primary path for most and concluding that everything else should be excluded. Why cut someone struggling from 31.46% of the jobs that don’t fit the optimal 1st standard distribution?
It literally isn’t as rare as you think. I know a great many overeducated and unemployed as well as a great many high-school dropouts that are Entrepreneurs, Sr Consulting Software Architects and Successful Artists.
When someone is struggling, consider the normal path might be why. A broader approach that doesn’t prejudice viable alternatives for the crime of being “not the most popular option” is prefferrable.
Oh totally. I mean, if OP is only 5’9” they should just magically grow 6 inches, that will surely solve their employment! So easy!
It is rare, and your ‘argument’ here is self-defeating. As you are trying to argue from the margins to say the margins don’t exist… lol
why would you assume that OP is some ‘unknown’ genius? maybe probably because you yourself are projecting that persona? like every other poster on lemmy… you too could have been Bill Gates if only you had tried harder in life!
If you stoped repeating the same mistakes over and over again and tried to think “where could this be right” instead of " find a wrong, even a stretch that doesn’t belong and disprove” you would be a more reasonable person to talk to.
E.g. (clearly needed here)
You think the rarity of Bill Gates disproves my point. I say a friend who is neurodivergent and a high school drop out literally just bought cleaning supplies and started going door to door to businesses on a strip asking if they needed a good scrubbing. He did a few gigs on the spot for pocket change, but quickly found several of the 2nd story offices were displeased with their after-hours cleaning contractors. A few offered a trial to prove my dude could do a good job. Once proven they offered annual contracts. The landlords and tenants all talk to each other and word got around. Boom! Entrepreneur. Today he has 3 vans and 7 employees. Still doesn’t know what standard deviation is.
This type of opportunity is everywhere. It’s not the kind that is offered. It’s the kind you find or make yourself. The biggest barrier to entry here is not trying. I could go on all day. But why? The point is made and you’ll either get it, or not.
Cool story. Why aren’t you a billionaire then, if it’s so easy?
Clearly I am just a stupid fool if I’m not. But I mean, that criteria doesn’t apply to you though, does it? You’re so smart!
Hmmm. Almost everyone I know has worked their way up to being successful. I guess it’s the company you keep.
In country out-sourcing, i.e., Quest Global, Cyient, Belcan. Bigger Companies use outsource labor for certain work, and doesnt pick the resources (people) the outsourcer uses to accomplish the work. if you can do Excel and are reliable, theres hope.
All happens locally often having you work on site at Bigger Company with a different color badge. Less resistance to hiring underqualified people this way. Typically small contained scope tasks not worth having a company man do, but excellent industry exposure. Once youre there you could see if its viable to apply to Bigger Company later, or what you need to be able to. Worth a look if you have something like that nearby.
Don’t know where you are. But look at the directories for business parks and office buildings around you.
You could look into a government job. It’s kinda fraught with the current administration, but there are lots of entry level government jobs with regular schedules and decent benefits.
Another possibility is care work or whatever it’s called. I have a few friends who work in housing for the developmentally disabled and I’ve seen listings for jobs in psych wards/mental health type places that don’t have any degree requirements. There’s probably similar jobs in elder care too that don’t have any degree requirements.
What are your interests and skills? Like someone else said, who you know matters more than anything else, but depending on what your interests and skills are, you can go out of your way to connect with people in that space.
And get used to finding ways of talking about yourself as a good fit for that kind of job. Brag on yourself.
Also, volunteering is a great way to build up a resume of skills in areas where you have no prior experience. There are jobs at food banks, homeless shelters, etc., but there are also often places like art museums and zoos that need volunteers. Basically, any non-profit you can think of probably runs largely on volunteers. Sometimes it’s in a warehouse or doing trash cleanup, but often they’re in office tasks like filing, misc office work, answering customer service emails, etc., that would be a great stepping stone to getting paid to do those things somewhere.
Retail will take anyone and train them which is why it is so easy.
Every other job needs someone with special skills and so they are selective and hard to get in. Even though most people don’t work retails, there is much more competition for these jobs, and a lot less job in any given specialty. The better the job the less competition there is - but there still is plenty of competition.
Which means you need to not ask for “a job”, but select the specific job and then set yourself up to be good at that on your own time. The more specialized you get, the better a chance you have a job in that specialty - but the worse chance you get at any other job! Which means choosing the right specialty is critically important. Good luck (usually it too bad though as most things have enough demand).
The worst part: once you get a job they start teaching you the skill for that. It is really hard to change latter because you go from an expert to beginner.
Remember what others have said though: who you know is more important that what you know! So figure out who you know! Figure out what they can maybe get you into, and apply the above in consideration of that. Sometimes people will tell you what they can help you with, sometimes they won’t know but you can guess.
Well, you can either start a small business or find a small business that does something and is willing to train you. As degrees have become worthless in comparison to other people recommending you for the position.
How do you feel about gig work?
I was going ot suggest something but it won’t necessarily have a consistent schedule. Anyway if you can take a community college course and are ok with blood you can take one phlebotomy class and then be able to work as a phlebotomist. Its something I can’t do as I get wierd with blood and needles. Because of people like myself it limits those who do it. Both by removing them as possible people doing it and by being people who people who have to do it have to deal with.
Gig work. Customer service (in office), trade skills; electrician, etc. Job fairs are employers looking to hire.
Networking is key. Ask the people you know how they got their jobs. Shit, ask them if theyr hiring. That’s all networking is at a basic level.
The fundamentals are always going to be the same: - Develop marketable skills - Build out your professional network - Develop ace communication skills, written and verbal; this pays dividends everywhere in life - Strive to be either in the top ~15%* of what you do or bring a diverse set of skills to the table so that you can perform multiple roles; however, the latter tends to be an entirely different kind of job - Be punctual - Always continue with your professional development - Be the kind of person with whom you would like to work
*This is not as hard as it sounds. Consider Sturgeon’s Law ("90% of everything is shit") and how much people phone it in; it’s pretty easy to stand out in most fields.
More specifically, I suggest “durable” career fields such as the trades (plumber, electrician, lineperson, crane operator, cement truck operator, etc). I mentor and tutor some high school and college students. There’s a lot of career uncertainty for the the foreseeable future, and the trades are not going anywhere. I generally suggest “do what pays the most and chaps your ass the least;” this is just a guideline and the kind of thing you need to figure out what your inflection point is. Whatever the fuck you do, avoid debt like it’s the plague.
Unless you land a proper apprenticeship, expect some serious long days for a few years, e.g. working full time and schooling/studying full time. Maybe you’ll get away with a less arduous journey, but if you’re mentally prepared to go full-tilt then you’ll be pleasantly surprised if the journey is easier.
Empathy by way of anecdote: I was a DJ and nightclub manager. I was surprised when I hit 25 and was somehow still alive. I decided to take this life stuff seriously and saw that there was most likely no path towards serious financial security. I went back to college for audio engineering, working full time and going to school full time. I did audio engineering for about five years. While audio engineering was cool, I thought it would be even cooler to write the software tools for audio. So I poured myself into independent study, using my nights and weekends to learn programming. And once I was comfortable with programming, I went back to college again for software engineering, again full time school + work. The journey was hard, but I was a senior software engineer within 8 years, manager and principal roles another 4 years after that. However, I never got a job writing audio software; it’s been all medical and financial software. “How do you make the gods laugh? Make plans.” So have a vision, but be flexible and open to opportunities.
Honestly, if I could have another go at it, I would have chosen marine electrician. Travel, boats + ships, technical + creative field, and get to pick and choose jobs I want to do.
Woo warning ahead: there are qualitative aspects to the journey. Know what you want, rather than what you are avoiding. If you don’t know where you want to go, you are going to end up somewhere else. But something cool happens when you know what you want, know it in your bones, and commit to taking the steps. The universe delivers. Maybe not the exact thing you wanted, but some form of it.
I can’t really speak for today, because I know things are way different than they were before when I got out of retail
But I can tell you what worked for me and maybe you can apply something from it to your own situation
Save up enough money and buy your own tools, for me that was a $200 in 2013 computer. Sounds cheap today but it was a very tough purchase to make at the time without help and with bills to pay. Learn something that can be applied elsewhere using ‘free’ resources (r/piracy, FMHY, and your local Library would be the equivalent today). For me that was learning to use Linux, CAD and other modeling software in ways traditionally educated people at the time did not leverage them, and that edge got my foot in the door
Oh, and before you get your hopes up on the regular sleep schedule bit, I spent the past +decade swapping between nights and days every single week after getting out of retail. Now there’s also a baby in the picture and we won’t afford child care so sleep is a pipe dream. Maybe 2-4 hours a day if I’m lucky. Been that way for over a year now
Retrospectively my schedule then of 4-10:30 on week days so I could go to school and 5am-2pm weekends to get enough hours to pay the bills was amazing. Pay sucked though. So did them playing with my hours to keep me part time without full time benefits.
If you can swing the time and tuition, every urban hospital needs CNAs. It’s probably the least schooling for the most job security. Phlebotomy as well. Hospitals also, historically, offer cheaper/better health care if you stay in house.
Mileage will vary a lot by location, in terms of pay and such, but it’s worth looking into. In adfition, it shows you options and offers tuition reimbursement.
Hospitals, not long term care. The latter is awful, in most locations.
Barring that, there’s no schooling options like EVS and logistics/supply runners. The latter will be among the first cuts if Congress allows further cuts to Medicaid or Medicare.
Nursing?? But OP said “lets me work on a consistent schedule. I’m so sick of having my hours constantly whipped back and forth. I just want to go to bed at the same time every day.”
I don’t think nursing is very forgiving in that regard. They alternate 3 shifts, 24/7, constantly changing it around. No consistent schedules, and say goodbye to going to bed at the same time every day.
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Spend a few months in Vocational school > massage therapist > pass all the licensure tests > earn around $500/day working at a spa.
Door to door construction sales. There are lots of companies that do thinks like install new windows or solar panels. They pay people to go around, knock on doors, and see if people are interested in their product. Technically the job title is “lead generator”. And these companies are always hiring for these positions, since, to be honest, it is pretty shit work. You walk around all day in the hot sun, knocking on peoples doors and having those doors slammed in your face. Base pay isn’t great, and you make your real money in comissions, which are rare, since you are cold calling.
But it is regular hours, exercise and sunshine, practice keeping a positive attitude and meeting people. And as soon as you get hired, you can start applying for other, better jobs in sales.
Not all of these companies pay hourly. Check the contracts and see if you can ask a worker who actually works there.
My ex got duped into one of these for roof repairs, but it was a commission only job that sounded great on paper but was absolutely awful
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Construction? But I think the hours are long. Maybe some community college apprenticeships programs depending on where you live.
Run for congress, be corrupt as hell, and seek a rich doner to support your compaign
/j
Go to a place that seems intetesting and ask for a job. Tell them that you have no experience but are willing to start by sweeping the floors and then learn as you go. The worst thing that can happen is that they say no.
Plenty of places aren’t actively hiring but that doesn’t mean they don’t have need for an extra pair of hands. Showing up in person gives a good impression.
Well I’m not sure how I’d pay my bills in the meantime while I’m sweeping floors for minimum wage.
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Sorry that I tried to be helpful.
Your “advice” hasnt worked in 30 years. No, it’s not helpful, especially when someone is serious about needing a job.
Have you tried? Because I have.
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When was the last time and did you know the people at the place you did?
About two years ago and no, I didn’t know them (but I did have experience on the field) I just googled local companies. I got an interview in the second place I asked.
A lot of businesses - especially where I live - don’t even post jobs online anymore because they get flooded with AI-generated applications from people who don’t actually even want the job but are forced to apply to keep collecting unemployment benefits.
The only realistic way to get hired at a place like that is to either know the right people or be in the right place at the right time. That doesn’t have to mean literally walking in the door if that feels like too high a bar - cold-emailing them and just asking works too.
I just told you it worked thirty years ago. it has not worked agian since. Hence, your suggestion is a boomer suggestion.
Stop deleting my comments Mods. Im not saying anything wrong.
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Have you considered the “other” economy?
It’s really about understanding yourself. What are your needs? What are your natural strengths? When you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
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Edit: A seriously helpful answer that ties into this. I’ve worked closely with retail executives. It’s awful for you on purpose. Their business model is built on low barrier to entry and suffering. You are right to stay away. My above joke was not only meant to be funny. Who doesn’t need a giggle at times like this? But it was also to get you to think in different ways. Making a living is not the same as getting a job with an employer. That’s only one way, and it often sucks. Think entrepreneurship (non-criminal). Think lemonade stand. Not as stupid an idea as it sounds - Martha Stewart got started selling pies outside a plaza. Lateral thinking can help you here. Get outside of your own assumptions and consider a broader perspective.
Edit2: Tough crowd. Humour is difficult.