- 3 months ago
In Season 10 Episode 10 of Top Gear, the team heads to Spain’s Ascari Race Resort for a showdown of three elite German V8 saloons — the BMW M3, Mercedes‑Benz C63 AMG and Audi RS4 — each vying for the title of ultimate performance per saloon. The trio test acceleration, handling and power, while The Stig delivers blistering lap times. Meanwhile, guest star David Tennant tackles the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car segment. If you’re a fan of saloon car performance, high-octane reviews and classic Top Gear thrills, this episode is a must-watch.
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MotorTranscript
00:00:00.
00:00:10Tonight, the great, the good and the rubbish in the Top Gear Awards.
00:00:17We go on a motoring holiday with the Stig,
00:00:20and Doctor Who travels through space and time a bit more slowly than usual.
00:00:25Speed up!
00:00:27.
00:00:34Hello, hello and welcome. Thank you so much, thank you.
00:00:38Well, now, we begin with James May,
00:00:43who has found a car that seems to make him rather cross.
00:00:49This is the culprit.
00:00:52The Jaguar S-Type.
00:00:55This car really, really winds me up.
00:01:00It sums up everything that's wrong with Jaguar.
00:01:06You see, what they did with the S-Type was to make a car that they hoped would appeal to Germans and Americans.
00:01:12And you may ask, what's wrong with that?
00:01:15Well, quite a lot, actually.
00:01:17You see, Mr Jonathan Foreigner has this ridiculously outdated view of what Britain is.
00:01:23He thinks we all live in Anne Hathaway's cottage and then go out to the old tea rooms where we eat some Kendall mint cake.
00:01:29And then maybe we'll go out and find a red phone box and ring up some beef eaters at the Tower of London to see if we can have our bowler hats back.
00:01:36It's rubbish!
00:01:37And Jaguar absolutely pandered to this view with the S-Type.
00:01:42Just look at that retro grill.
00:01:44It's gulpingly awful.
00:01:46Now, I've been banging on about this for years.
00:01:55And maybe, at last, they've listened.
00:02:01Because this is the replacement for the S-Type.
00:02:05The Jaguar XF.
00:02:07As soon as you look at it, you think, ah, that's more like it.
00:02:25You look at the new grill and the subtly bulging bonnet and the gills on the side.
00:02:30Then there's the back, which looks as though it came from the XK.
00:02:40Sounds like an XK as well.
00:02:42You ready?
00:02:47This is the first time since I started this job that I've been in a Jaguar saloon and felt that I was in the right decade.
00:02:54In Beverly Hills, your retired dentist, he's going to have a bit of a heart attack because that's not a proper Jaguar.
00:03:04Well, so be it.
00:03:06And there are more treats on the inside.
00:03:10Imagine you're a bank manager.
00:03:13Now, in the olden days, you'd have climbed into your Jaguar, checked your parting in your reflection in the polished woodwork of your fascia,
00:03:18and then you'd have been on your way.
00:03:21Now, though, first thing you notice is this red starter button pulsating like a heartbeat.
00:03:29Touch that once to turn the ignition on.
00:03:32And you're immediately bathed in this beautiful pale blue light like something from a funky vodka bar.
00:03:38And then, look at that. Look at those opening.
00:03:41Put your foot on the brake, press it again to start the engine.
00:03:43And this thing rises up from the centre console.
00:03:48That is actually the gear change.
00:03:51Now, I know none of that is strictly necessary, but as you watch it,
00:03:54you can feel all those years of financial drudgery just falling away
00:03:58until you're 12 years old and back in a world of Thunderbirds.
00:04:07However, once you look past all this futuristic garnish,
00:04:10it's not quite so tomorrow's world.
00:04:13Under the skin, the basic structure is from the old S-Type, and the suspension is from the XK.
00:04:22The engines are also pretty old-hat.
00:04:24You've still got the V6 diesel, the V6 petrol, and the V8 petrol, with or without the supercharger,
00:04:30and they've been around for donkey's years.
00:04:32As Clarkson pointed out when he drove the XK, you get the sense that Jaguar is pushing the limits,
00:04:40not of its technology, but of its overdraft.
00:04:46But, if you were to keep any old bits, it'd be these, because for a saloon, this is superb.
00:04:52It goes like a four-door XK.
00:05:02It means it has the supercharger on the 4.2-litre V8, and it will do 0-60 in 5.1 seconds.
00:05:10But, interestingly, this isn't the most powerful version they're going to make.
00:05:17There will be a Jaguar XF-R with even more power.
00:05:24And you can guess we'll be driving that one.
00:05:26If I have one criticism, it's that the ride in this SV8 version is harder than you'd expect from a Jaguar.
00:05:39But it still wipes the floor with the Audi A6.
00:05:45And when it comes to value for money, it duffs up the BMW 5 Series, too.
00:05:51Every model in the range comes with leather, with the excellent paddle-shift automatic gearbox,
00:05:58touch-screen sat-nav, electric seats, decent alloys and blue teeth.
00:06:06For years, the sleek and modern Germans were having it easy,
00:06:10because all we had to take them on was Chumley Warner.
00:06:16Now, though, we have this.
00:06:17Make no mistake, the XF is very good.
00:06:22But more than that, it means Jaguar has finally found the balls
00:06:26to make a saloon that belongs in the present.
00:06:28APPLAUSE
00:06:38This is a good-looking car. It is really good-looking.
00:06:41So you like this because it's modern and contemporary?
00:06:45Yes. Like me.
00:06:46Your modern contemporary, why do you spit out the word Germans every time you say it in any film,
00:06:54like it's 1941 and the sky's full of Heinkels?
00:06:58I don't, do I?
00:06:59You do. Every single time you say German.
00:07:02I like the Germans.
00:07:04Shall we do the news?
00:07:06Yes.
00:07:07Right, the news. And did you know James has won an award?
00:07:10He has. He is officially Heat Magazine's Weird Crush of the Year.
00:07:14No!
00:07:16There it is. Look, there it is. There. Yeah.
00:07:20Well, it is brilliant.
00:07:23Thing is, there's actually, there's actually been another award this week.
00:07:27You two don't know about this one.
00:07:30Brill Cream have made awards for the best celebrity hairstyle on television.
00:07:36Oh, go on.
00:07:38Third place, Alex Zane.
00:07:41Second place, Steve Jones, who was in the Sex Pistols, as far as I know.
00:07:45And the winner, the best celebrity hairstyle on television, Richard Hammond!
00:07:54Yes.
00:07:55Yes.
00:07:58I haven't got a hairstyle.
00:08:00No, what?
00:08:01I haven't. It's just some hair. It's not styled.
00:08:03You don't have that styled?
00:08:04No, it just happened.
00:08:05We're 20 minutes late starting the show, because the makeup girl's been out 40 times.
00:08:12Hey, listen, they've also done the worst celebrity hairstyles.
00:08:18Third place, Rydian.
00:08:21No idea.
00:08:22X Factor.
00:08:24X what?
00:08:25X Factor.
00:08:26X Factor.
00:08:28Second, Simon Cowell, also X Factor.
00:08:32And the winner.
00:08:33The worst haircut on television.
00:08:39James Murray!
00:08:40Oh, yeah!
00:08:42Wow!
00:08:44Wow!
00:08:46Yeah!
00:08:47So that makes you a double award winner. It's official, then, you are weird with bad hair.
00:08:54Well done!
00:08:55Thank you, Pratt.
00:08:57Right, now, you know the Morgan Aero Max? This is the car Richard's just bought. Got a picture of it here, okay?
00:09:01Yes, of course.
00:09:02Now, they're making, what, a hundred of those, aren't they?
00:09:04Yeah, very rare.
00:09:05Okay.
00:09:06Now, you probably imagine the other 99, apart from you, who's buying them up, real men in tweed jackets, who go down to the pub for a pint of best, which has got twigs in it and mud and leaves.
00:09:15Yes.
00:09:16So you want to guess who ordered one of those this week?
00:09:19Kenneth Moore.
00:09:20No.
00:09:21Edward Fox.
00:09:22No.
00:09:23Paul O'Grady.
00:09:26You'll be able to go for weekends in the country together with your Morgans.
00:09:29That's an exclusive club.
00:09:31Now, I suppose we ought to talk about some cars, specifically cars that are coming out in 2008.
00:09:37Next year, the best car by a mile is this.
00:09:41This is the Alfa Romeo 8C, and I am nursing a semi, just looking at it.
00:09:48You've kind of spoiled it.
00:09:50110,000 pounds.
00:09:52Oh, man.
00:09:53Carbon fiber.
00:09:54Rear wheel drive.
00:09:55Every single thing about it, I want, and it's an alpha, you know.
00:09:58Car I'm really looking forward to, the new Koenigsegg CCXR.
00:10:02Look at that.
00:10:03Oh, yes, exactly.
00:10:04Underneath that sleek, it's all carbon fiber, that bodywork.
00:10:07It's a V8, two superchargers on it.
00:10:10And it's putting out 1,000 brake horsepower.
00:10:12250 mile an hour plus.
00:10:131,000?
00:10:14Yeah, 1,000 brake horsepower.
00:10:15And isn't it green?
00:10:16Well, the clever thing is it runs on biofuel.
00:10:18So, technically, that's a green car, right there.
00:10:22Look at that.
00:10:23We could buy Al Gore one.
00:10:24Oh, yes.
00:10:25How much is it?
00:10:26It is quite costly.
00:10:27How much?
00:10:281,070,000 pounds.
00:10:30Oh, now, hey, if you're watching this as a repeat, it's Christmas Day.
00:10:35So, happy Christmas.
00:10:36If, however, you're watching it on Sunday, you've got one shopping day left till Christmas,
00:10:42so we thought we'd give you some gift ideas.
00:10:45And we're going to begin, if I may, with this, which I've got down here.
00:10:50It's a travel rabbit.
00:10:51Now...
00:10:52No, no.
00:10:53I think...
00:10:54Obviously, what you do is you plug it into the cigarette lighter, and then this little
00:11:01chap, he vibrates and he jiggles about, and, you know, his ears like that, and it amuses
00:11:07the passengers.
00:11:08Oh, smashing.
00:11:09I think that's rather nice.
00:11:10That's a lovely gift.
00:11:11That's a Christmas novelty.
00:11:12I think that's rather nice.
00:11:13Have you ever thought, oh, no, my shoehorn is far too heavy?
00:11:17Yes.
00:11:18Every single...
00:11:19Well, I haven't got one, in fact.
00:11:20Well, help is at hand with this special lightweight carbon-fiber-ended shoehorn.
00:11:27They put carbon fiber on a shoehorn?
00:11:29Yes.
00:11:30It's very light.
00:11:31It is.
00:11:32What the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
00:11:35You could put that in your dungeon, James, it just doesn't matter.
00:11:38Here's a great one for you.
00:11:40This.
00:11:41Bugatti aftershave.
00:11:42Mmm.
00:11:43Yeah.
00:11:44It's...
00:11:45It's...
00:11:46Well, guess how much?
00:11:47Well, it's Bugatti.
00:11:4860 quid?
00:11:49No, it's Bugatti.
00:11:50It's...
00:11:51150 quid.
00:11:521500 quid.
00:11:53What?
00:11:54Yeah.
00:11:55What is it?
00:11:56It's...
00:11:57Well, it's got...
00:11:58Does this make Richard more attractive?
00:12:01Well, it's...
00:12:02Careful with your hairstyle.
00:12:03It's quite nice.
00:12:04Is anybody getting...
00:12:05Hang on, I can tell you.
00:12:06Is anybody getting...
00:12:07Give me some, then.
00:12:08To go home smelling like Bugatti.
00:12:09Where do you put off...
00:12:10Well, can I tell you something else?
00:12:11It's 1500 quid and then lent it to us.
00:12:13To
00:12:32Some yeah put some on yeah, I might be able to lose your virginity then
00:12:43as good again what does he smell of exactly well it's an original fragrance shrouded in mystery
00:12:48with underlying notes of patchouli cedarwood and vetiver they say they say it's timelessly elegant
00:12:53excellent but it is because it comes there's more for your 1500 quid because you get this
00:12:59that look see it's like a sculpture and it comes with this handy carbon fiber carrying case that
00:13:07you put it in so no as you go through your day it's light so you can carry it around oh pits are
00:13:16getting a bit whiffy I could do with a squirt you can there you can deploy it out and away you go
00:13:21that's a thousand pounds yes it is it's quite strong it is quite strong he's gone really red
00:13:29now that means there's no blood left to go anywhere else if you're eight here's a question
00:13:44if it snows this Christmas would you like a red molded high-tech plastic very fast Ferrari sledge
00:13:53for 50 pounds or for a little bit more would you prefer this wooden one with Nissan written on it
00:14:01actually Nissan have a number of branded products out for Christmas this year they've gone bonkers
00:14:07with it I've been through the catalogue so for instance here it is the big day arrives you go
00:14:12scamping downstairs has he been he has this is for me wow what is it I guarantee you won't get this is
00:14:19yours for Christmas because here it is it's a wobbly-headed model of the former president of
00:14:24Nissan USA his head wobbles look I don't care no look it says on the back of the father of the Z car
00:14:34you just pulled the wobbly head off the former president of Nissan USA nobody's ever said that
00:14:42before I don't suppose they have now look what's happened wait everybody there is another
00:14:48Nissan present I'm gonna go and get it well they don't know I'm gonna go and get it I am gonna go
00:14:53and get I wasn't gonna treat you but I'm gonna treat you it's not a beheaded former president of
00:14:57Nissan USA they have gone mad though I went to the catalogue they've done a Nissan bar still
00:15:01what very very stylish better still in the catalogue there is a Nissan guitar
00:15:07the Nissan Z car shirt hang on Jeremy what a squirt of that yeah you're getting ready for Christmas oh
00:15:30oh yeah I've got everything I need I've got my treble rabbit I've got me aftershave and I've got
00:15:36my shirts and you and I've got my headless businessman I'm ready no you're not what is what you need for
00:15:44your tree or some Lamborghini baubles perfect Christmas is here but that gets cut out I bet it does which is a good
00:15:54thing because I can take those home because I quite like them okie-doke sorry I dropped it sorry I dropped it as well
00:16:06happy Christmas everybody Marley was dead
00:16:18everything's ruined if this is how your Christmas day went sorry that was a proper Christmas day I think
00:16:26everything's broken right the BMW M3 is the world's best-selling performance car and is driven
00:16:33exclusively by clocks that doesn't matter no it does honestly because every single one of them
00:16:38talks about marketing and solutions and paradigm and they've all got those ridiculous mobile phone
00:16:43earpieces in he's right anyway the point is there's a new one out and to see if it's any good I took it
00:16:49to Spain to the Stig's favorite holiday resort behind tough security to keep out the riff-raff there are
00:17:06pleasant gardens where he can relax a pool where he can unwind and in the evening a top-notch restaurant
00:17:13where he can gorge on meat it's a lovely spot with excellent views and oh yes nearly forgot in the
00:17:23grounds there's a five and a half kilometre race track it was built as a plaything by a Dutch oil
00:17:31billionaire and features copies of some of the best corners from other racetracks around the world
00:17:37it is a fantastic place but the car I'm driving is even better
00:17:47the last M3 had a straight six engine this has a four litre v8 but don't think for a minute it's become a
00:18:01big lazy muscle car that said it is softer than the old car and more forgiving but it's also noticeably
00:18:21faster and clever you can actually change the feel of the car and the performance on the iDrive control
00:18:33system meanwhile the M differential gets busy at the back to keep the power going to exactly the
00:18:40right place at exactly the right time sometimes it'll even lock the rear wheels together so you
00:18:48can pull spectacular tail slides even if your fists are made of ham
00:18:52I love this car get out of the way
00:19:05that'll be Jeremy then
00:19:10this is Mercedes's answer to the M3 it's the AMG C-Class and it's not a car it's a complete animal
00:19:25you don't really drive this car you cling on for dear life
00:19:34sure the new M3 has a top-notch conventional weapon under the bonnet but this this has a nuke
00:19:44it's a 6.2 litre v8 now it's not the full fat 6.2 they put in their bigger cars
00:19:52but even this semi-skimmed version has 450 brake horsepower so the oomph is as phenomenal as the
00:20:03noise it makes it's not only louder more powerful and more exciting than the M3 but it's simpler as
00:20:16well it even has an automatic gearbox
00:20:19I will admit however that there are one or two things I'm not sure about it's not a very pretty car I don't like the way Merck has copied BMW's iDrive system their old control center was better it was easier to use and then rising above all this is the problem with the traction control
00:20:23when it's on it's constantly interfering every time you go near the throttle eventually of course you become impatient and turn it off
00:20:30The workers copied BMW's iDrive system, their old control centre was better, it was easier to use.
00:20:37And then, rising above all this, is the problem with the traction control.
00:20:45When it's on, it's constantly interfering every time you go near the throttle.
00:20:50Eventually, of course, you become impatient and turn it off.
00:20:53But be advised, if you do that, you'd better be awake.
00:21:00Oopsie-daisy. I've got it. There we are. Oh, dear, no.
00:21:06This is just an axe murderer with headlights.
00:21:10And I absolutely adore it.
00:21:19This is mental.
00:21:22Jeremy, there's more to life than a big shouty engine.
00:21:24No, there isn't. There is.
00:21:26I'm sorry, Richard, but the whole point of an M3
00:21:28is that you can't really tell it isn't an ordinary BMW.
00:21:30Look at this. It's got M3 written here.
00:21:32It's got grooves. I'm sorry.
00:21:34It's got more trinkets on it than a pensioners' mantelpiece.
00:21:36I'm sorry, you cannot pitch up in your sparkly disco glitter ball.
00:21:40Nobody ever said a Mercedes had to be restrained.
00:21:42Tell me you like the chrome, honestly.
00:21:44I don't like the chrome very much.
00:21:47Well, that's all there is.
00:21:48Sunshine roof? Oh, you haven't got...
00:21:50Don't need one. What the hell?
00:21:51What?
00:21:52What's this?
00:21:53Carbon fibre.
00:21:54Carbon fibre roof?
00:21:55Carbon. It's to keep the centre of gravity low
00:21:57because it keeps the weight down in the car.
00:21:58It's light. That helps the balance.
00:22:00That's why this is such a good car.
00:22:01Makes you look like a cock.
00:22:02Oh, like your chrome is going to help.
00:22:04Well, both of those cars are ostentatious and ghastly.
00:22:11Which is why, if you want a small, fast German saloon,
00:22:14you'd have one of these.
00:22:17It's an Audi RS4.
00:22:20It may have been around for a couple of years now,
00:22:22but I have to say, it's still marvellous.
00:22:27It has a 4.2 litre V8,
00:22:29which produces the same power as Hammond's M3,
00:22:32but without drawing quite so much attention to itself.
00:22:41The exhaust note is like a tribute to Pavarotti.
00:22:44Listen to this.
00:22:48Sonorous.
00:22:49You see, it's not like that look-at-me racket
00:22:51coming out of the back of Jeremy's idiotic Mercedes.
00:22:54In any case, why would you want a car that's trying to kill you?
00:23:02And unlike Hammond's BMW, it isn't smothered in gaudy tinsel.
00:23:08It's quiet. It's discreet.
00:23:11It's got absolutely nothing to prove.
00:23:13It's sort of at home with Andy McNabb.
00:23:16The ride is good.
00:23:17The four-wheel drive system keeps you out of the crash barriers,
00:23:20and you don't need an IT qualification to operate it.
00:23:23Well, hey!
00:23:26How many gears have you got?
00:23:28Six.
00:23:29Seven.
00:23:30So that's one better.
00:23:31That's too many.
00:23:32What do you mean, it's two?
00:23:33It is, actually.
00:23:34Oh, well done.
00:23:35Has the captain arrived?
00:23:36I believe so.
00:23:37In an Audi.
00:23:38This Audi is a very, very good car.
00:23:41Couldn't agree with you more.
00:23:42I remember when I drove this a couple of years ago,
00:23:44I actually believe that that was one of the greatest engines ever made.
00:23:47But you cannot ignore the engine in that Mercedes.
00:23:51You just can't.
00:23:52Nobody saw a 6.2 litre.
00:23:55With 6.3 written on the side.
00:23:57That's just history.
00:23:58Is it a 6.2?
00:23:59Yes.
00:24:00It says 6.3 on it.
00:24:01It's because that's history and tradition.
00:24:02It's lying.
00:24:03It's a random number.
00:24:04Instead of bickering,
00:24:05we decided to get scientific and discuss practicality.
00:24:09First things first,
00:24:10I'll just get in the back.
00:24:11Ah, yes, all right.
00:24:13There is a four-door version coming.
00:24:15And the rear legroom is?
00:24:16Plentiful.
00:24:17Pitiful.
00:24:18The Audi.
00:24:19I'd expect...
00:24:20And, oh, deary me.
00:24:22If we pop this seat into my driving position...
00:24:25Well, that's hardly a fair test.
00:24:26Do you want to hop in, Richard?
00:24:28Yeah, I'd love to.
00:24:29Oh, I can't.
00:24:30I've got legs.
00:24:31We could have argued all day,
00:24:32but when it comes to practicality,
00:24:34the facts are the facts.
00:24:36The Mercedes has the biggest engine,
00:24:38the most gears,
00:24:39the most space in the front,
00:24:40the most space in the back,
00:24:42and the biggest boot.
00:24:43The end.
00:24:45After this momentous victory for the Mercedes,
00:24:48I decided we should have a drag race.
00:24:51I'm actually, for the first time in one of our drag races,
00:24:53genuinely tense about this.
00:24:55I want this car to win.
00:24:57Don't lose.
00:24:58Don't lose, man.
00:24:59I'll take the handbrake off.
00:25:01That'll increase my chances.
00:25:03I'm not going to win this.
00:25:04I'm going to humiliate.
00:25:10Despite its four-wheel drive system,
00:25:12the Audi took the lead.
00:25:13I'm winning.
00:25:14I'm winning.
00:25:15And then lost it.
00:25:16Come on.
00:25:17Come on.
00:25:18Come on, baby.
00:25:19Come on.
00:25:20How did that happen?
00:25:21Rock and roll.
00:25:22No, no, no.
00:25:24The loser.
00:25:26That's a pointless and irrelevant test.
00:25:30James and Richard were annoyed.
00:25:32They'd lost out to the Merc's superior practicality
00:25:35and its straight line performance.
00:25:39Desperate for a victory,
00:25:40James got out his tape measure to try and find any area
00:25:43where the Audi was best.
00:25:45I'm just measuring the steering wheels to see who's his fastest.
00:25:48Meanwhile, Richard hauled me into the circuit's conference suite
00:25:51for a PowerPoint presentation.
00:25:53Right.
00:25:54What I've got here is a graph showing the torque curves
00:25:56for each of the three cars.
00:25:57You're only doing this on a PowerPoint,
00:25:59so M3 drivers know what you're on about.
00:26:01No, it's the easiest way to show.
00:26:02No.
00:26:03Shut up.
00:26:04What do you want for supper tonight, darling?
00:26:06Well, I'll get the laptop out,
00:26:07and as you can see on this graph,
00:26:0840% of me wants a shepherd's pie with peas.
00:26:10Shut up.
00:26:1160% wants lamb chops.
00:26:12That's a year on year increase.
00:26:13Shut up and pay attention.
00:26:14This is useful information.
00:26:15These are the torque curves for each of the cars.
00:26:17So that's your Mercedes.
00:26:18That's the Audi.
00:26:19That's the BMW.
00:26:22Jezza's wing mirrors are an inch bigger than mine.
00:26:25So the blue line is the Mercedes,
00:26:26and that's on the top.
00:26:28You've immediately assumed, being you,
00:26:30that being higher up the graph is better.
00:26:32Is it?
00:26:33Yes, it is, yes.
00:26:34Hammond's a two-foot as well.
00:26:36I've got the smallest windscreen wipers.
00:26:38Right, have you got power?
00:26:39Er, yes, I have.
00:26:40Yeah, look at the blue line.
00:26:42No, it's not as simple as that.
00:26:43You've got to look at the...
00:26:44Yeah, it's...
00:26:45You've lost.
00:26:46Yeah.
00:26:47Yes!
00:26:49My gear stick's got the biggest knob diameter by half an inch.
00:26:54You are such a child.
00:26:55I am a child.
00:26:56I am a child, I am.
00:26:57Er, anyway.
00:26:58We're going to pick that up later on,
00:26:59because now it's time to put a start in our reasonably priced car.
00:27:00Now, my guest tonight needs no introduction.
00:27:01Because he's Doctor Who, ladies and gentlemen, David Terence!
00:27:05You are like a good-looking version of Richard Hammond.
00:27:06The smoking jacket thing, it's...
00:27:07You are like a good-looking version of Richard Hammond.
00:27:08The smoking jacket thing, it's...
00:27:09He's got the best.
00:27:10Anyway, we're going to pick that up later on,
00:27:11because now it's time to put a start in our reasonably priced car.
00:27:12Now, my guest tonight needs no introduction.
00:27:15Because he's Doctor Who, ladies and gentlemen, David Terence!
00:27:18How are you?
00:27:19I'm good, very good.
00:27:20Have a seat.
00:27:22You are like a good-looking version of Richard Hammond.
00:27:35The smoking jacket thing, it's...
00:27:36This is new for you today.
00:27:37I've never worn this before.
00:27:38This is new, too.
00:27:39Will you be wearing that again?
00:27:40No.
00:27:41It's so nice to have a good-looking chap in that chair for once.
00:27:46And popular, too.
00:27:47Two years you've won the most popular television actor
00:27:50at the National Television Awards, I think, am I right?
00:27:53I think that might be accurate, yes.
00:27:55I didn't spoil it for you this year by telling you'd won
00:27:57while the nominations would be ready.
00:27:58Is that what that meant?
00:27:59Yeah.
00:28:00I may have actually got all the winners and losers before,
00:28:03and I had a great evening telling all the losers.
00:28:07Now, as a kid, is it true you wanted to be Doctor Who?
00:28:12Didn't everyone who grew up in the 70s?
00:28:14Really?
00:28:15I thought they did.
00:28:16Yeah, I did.
00:28:17I wanted to be Julie Christie's underwear.
00:28:19That's what I wanted.
00:28:20I don't know where to go with that.
00:28:23Wherever you like.
00:28:25But you wanted to be the Doctor.
00:28:27I did, yeah, I did.
00:28:28I thought that would be quite a laugh.
00:28:30And then I sort of grew up a bit and thought,
00:28:32well, that's never going to happen.
00:28:33That's absurd.
00:28:34But I'd quite like to be an actor.
00:28:35And then, funnily enough, it kind of came back around again.
00:28:38Who would have thought it?
00:28:39I know.
00:28:40Now, you took your name from...
00:28:41Is it Neil Tennant?
00:28:42Is that right?
00:28:43It sort of is, yeah.
00:28:44I was 16 when I joined Equity, the Actors' Union.
00:28:47And there's a rule that there's not allowed to be two actors with the same name.
00:28:50So, David McDonald, which is my real name, was disallowed.
00:28:53So, at 16, I thought, where do you find a new name from?
00:28:56So, I looked in smash hits.
00:28:58Because that's what you read when you're 16, isn't it?
00:29:02It was a good job it wasn't Madonna.
00:29:04Yeah.
00:29:05Ridiculous, then.
00:29:06Yeah.
00:29:07So, that was it.
00:29:08Because you wanted...
00:29:09I read somewhere, how many times have you auditioned for Taggart?
00:29:11Oh, about 26.
00:29:12No way.
00:29:13Yeah, I went up for Taggart every week of my life when I lived in Scotland,
00:29:16and they never gave me a part.
00:29:17You must be the only Scottish person who's never been in Taggart.
00:29:20Yeah, there's some people who've played four different murderers.
00:29:23So, we've got the Christmas special, obviously.
00:29:26What's the storyline?
00:29:28It's a kind of big disaster movie, really.
00:29:30The Titanic has crashed through the walls of the TARDIS.
00:29:33At the very end of the last series, you might have caught that.
00:29:35And mayhem ensues from there on in.
00:29:39Kylie Minogue is serving as a waitress on the Titanic.
00:29:42She gets swept up.
00:29:43By you?
00:29:44Yeah, a little bit.
00:29:45Um...
00:29:46Because I know you've got two hearts.
00:29:48Yeah.
00:29:49So, have you got two...
00:29:50You'll have to ask Kylie.
00:29:55Well, Billy Piper calls you David 10-inch, doesn't she?
00:29:58That's...
00:29:59That could be two fives, it could be...
00:30:02God bless her for it.
00:30:03Yeah, that was...
00:30:04Yeah, yeah.
00:30:05Um, have you ever asked about the details of the TARDIS?
00:30:09I mean, do you know how it works?
00:30:10Of course I do.
00:30:11How does it work?
00:30:12You wouldn't understand.
00:30:13Try now.
00:30:14It's...
00:30:15It's very complicated.
00:30:16Is it...
00:30:17Is it a mass?
00:30:18It's...
00:30:19It's got a lot to do with a Gravitica normalizer.
00:30:21Yeah, yeah.
00:30:22I thought it would do.
00:30:23Yeah.
00:30:24Yeah.
00:30:25What's its top speed?
00:30:26Ah, well, it's relative.
00:30:29As is time.
00:30:32Ah.
00:30:33Um, all right, cars.
00:30:36Yeah.
00:30:37Um...
00:30:38No, occasionally we have people on who've had pretty poor car histories.
00:30:42Yeah, sure.
00:30:43James Blunt springs immediately to mind, it was one and it was a Lada.
00:30:46Right.
00:30:47You?
00:30:48Talk us through it.
00:30:49My first car, um, Ford Fiesta.
00:30:51Second car?
00:30:52Ford Escort.
00:30:53We're moving up.
00:30:54Yeah.
00:30:55And then?
00:30:56And then I had a Skoda.
00:31:01Now you see, it's still a punchline, isn't it?
00:31:03It is.
00:31:04It's a good car.
00:31:05They are good cars, because is it a modern Skoda or an old...
00:31:07It's a modern Skoda.
00:31:08It's a modern non-comedy.
00:31:09To be fair, I still have the Skoda.
00:31:11You do?
00:31:12Yeah.
00:31:13Uh...
00:31:14Doctor Who has a Skoda?
00:31:15Yes.
00:31:16What sort of Skoda is it?
00:31:17Skoda Octavia Ambiente.
00:31:19It was the best car I had until recently, when it went in for service and came back with a list
00:31:23of things as long as your arm, which suddenly made it not financially viable anymore.
00:31:27Oh, so you haven't got the Skoda?
00:31:29I do still have it, but I'm trading it in next week.
00:31:31Luckily, I'll have...
00:31:32By the time this actually broadcasts, I'll have done the exchange, so they won't see that
00:31:35it'll be too late.
00:31:36They'll have got it by then.
00:31:37Somebody will be going, I've got to talk to you because s*** doesn't work!
00:31:40What are all these flashing lights?
00:31:43Yeah.
00:31:44Okay, now, um...
00:31:46I understand that you've been...
00:31:47How can I put this whinging about when Billy Piper came here about her lap?
00:31:52And how you think she may have cut the corner a little bit.
00:31:56To be fair, Jeremy.
00:31:57Yeah.
00:31:58I've seen it.
00:31:59Yeah.
00:32:00Well, Billy drove a track that she made up.
00:32:03You're right.
00:32:04She did make it up.
00:32:05And then you said, we're going to have to deduct or add a few extra seconds for you.
00:32:10We did.
00:32:11We did say that.
00:32:12And then she just kind of battered her eyelids at you.
00:32:14It wasn't so...
00:32:15And she's...
00:32:16And she's...
00:32:17Her time stands.
00:32:18Actually, the main reason was she went completely see-through top on.
00:32:22I can't deduct points for that.
00:32:25Could you?
00:32:27Listen.
00:32:28Billy's very charming.
00:32:29Mmm.
00:32:30I've been on the receiving end of her eyelid fluttering.
00:32:33Yeah.
00:32:34And it's...
00:32:35It butters many parsnips.
00:32:36What?
00:32:37But...
00:32:38I just...
00:32:39I know that she's going to beat me now and I'm never going to hear the end of it.
00:32:42Well, we don't know.
00:32:43We don't know.
00:32:44We don't know whether you've cut corners or anything.
00:32:46Now, all I do know is that you did have a bit of a problem with third gear.
00:32:52Yeah.
00:32:53Who'd like to see David's problems with third gear?
00:32:58Yes?
00:32:59Yeah!
00:33:00Let's just play this.
00:33:01Third gear.
00:33:02Come on.
00:33:03Find it.
00:33:04There it is.
00:33:05Where are you?
00:33:08Third gear.
00:33:10Come on.
00:33:11Third gear.
00:33:12Come on.
00:33:14Third gear.
00:33:15Where are you?
00:33:16There you are.
00:33:17There you are.
00:33:18It wouldn't go in.
00:33:20Do you know where third gear was after he finished that particular session?
00:33:24It was all over the track.
00:33:26I broke the car, didn't I?
00:33:28You broke third gear.
00:33:29Yeah.
00:33:30So we got you the spare car.
00:33:31Yeah.
00:33:32And you'd like to see what he did to that.
00:33:33There you go, yeah.
00:33:35That's a good, fast start with a lot of wheelspin and some Scottish mist.
00:33:40Yeah.
00:33:41Coming down to the first corner.
00:33:42What am I looking at the wing mirror for?
00:33:44Leave it behind me.
00:33:45It's good highway code set.
00:33:47It is!
00:33:48And of course the zebra, very fast.
00:33:50That's probably a bit too fast in there.
00:33:52That was bad!
00:33:54That was bad!
00:33:55Yeah.
00:33:56It is the understeer.
00:33:57You've got to cool understeer by being slower to go faster.
00:34:00It sounds ridiculous, but it's so slow.
00:34:02I know, and I could hear the stick in my head every time I messed up.
00:34:05Hey, this is better.
00:34:06Yeah, look at that!
00:34:08That's a very good hammerhead.
00:34:10That's pretty good.
00:34:12Speed up!
00:34:15He does look slower on the telly than it is when you're in the car.
00:34:18Yeah.
00:34:19Yeah.
00:34:20Get right out to the edge like you tell here.
00:34:21Third gear!
00:34:22Come on!
00:34:23Fourth through there.
00:34:24Fourth through the tyres.
00:34:26Yes, that's good.
00:34:27That's a good line.
00:34:28It's good, I made the camera wobble.
00:34:29That's good, that's good.
00:34:30Braking!
00:34:31Third gear, braking!
00:34:35That's a bit slow.
00:34:36That's quite pedestrian actually through there.
00:34:37That's very slow.
00:34:38Now here we go round Gambon.
00:34:40Bastard!
00:34:41There we go, and across the line!
00:34:48Oh!
00:34:50It's so frustrating though.
00:34:51It's so frustrating because I know that I didn't have a clean round.
00:34:55I didn't have one round when I didn't do something stupid.
00:34:57But you didn't cross any of the lines.
00:34:59So I don't have to flutter my eyelids at you to...
00:35:01No you don't.
00:35:02No.
00:35:03So where do you think you came?
00:35:04Oh, it's not going to be great.
00:35:05Jules Holland-ish.
00:35:06149.
00:35:07No, it's better than that!
00:35:08Okay, good, good.
00:35:09You're in the 140s.
00:35:10Have I beaten Billy the Piper?
00:35:11Well, what did she do?
00:35:13Apparently she did 148.3.
00:35:14She did a 148.3.
00:35:15Yeah.
00:35:16You did a 148.
00:35:17Come on.
00:35:18Eight.
00:35:19Oh!
00:35:20Billy Piper, the assistant is faster than the master.
00:35:23That's...
00:35:24But, strictly speaking, I'd wear Billy's, you know, taking her penalties.
00:35:39Mm-hmm.
00:35:40You'd have been faster.
00:35:41Yeah.
00:35:42If you'd have thought to wear a black see-through top, you'd now have beaten Simon Cowell.
00:35:47If I undo a button?
00:35:48No.
00:35:49James might rush in and put you farther away sometimes.
00:35:52But, no.
00:35:53Anyway, there you are.
00:35:54And it's been an absolute pleasure having you here.
00:35:57It's been lovely to be here.
00:35:58Thank you so much for coming.
00:35:59Ladies and gentlemen, David Tennant!
00:36:01And now...
00:36:03Hush!
00:36:04And now...
00:36:06Hush!
00:36:07And now it is time for the glittering Top Gear awards ceremony, held here in front of
00:36:13whoever's bothered to turn up.
00:36:15Yes, it's where we celebrate all that's good and bad in the world of cars, here in the glittering
00:36:21west end of Guildford.
00:36:23Yes.
00:36:24Yeah.
00:36:25It is now time for the Lifetime Achievement Award.
00:36:29Now, this is awarded to the person who's done the most to ruin the lives of Britain's 33 million motorists.
00:36:38Mm-hmm.
00:36:39And the nominees are...
00:36:41Ken Livingston, for not realising that the introduction of bendy buses to London streets
00:36:47is about as sensible as introducing a fleet of oil tankers to the Shropshire Union Canal.
00:36:52Ken Livingston, for deciding that if you earn a living and pay tax, and spend some of
00:37:01what's left on a car, and then pay value-added tax on that, and then buy some road fund licence
00:37:08tax to put the car on the road, and then pay fuel duty tax on the fuel, and value-added tax
00:37:14on that fuel duty tax, you should then pay £25 tax to drive into the centre of the capital.
00:37:23Right, and the final nomination is...
00:37:25Ken Livingston, for putting my flat 50 yards inside the new enlarged congestion zone.
00:37:33Jeremy, it's about 33 million motorists, not just you.
00:37:37Right, the winner. Where is it? Here we go.
00:37:39It's not Ken Livingston. It's the traffic Wombles, who close motorways for six hours,
00:37:47every single time somebody's door mirror comes off, so they can retrieve it safely.
00:37:51So well done, then.
00:37:58OK, this is the award for the ugliest car of the year.
00:38:02The nomination's up, there's no point, is there? It's the Mini Clubman.
00:38:05Yeah, it is.
00:38:06Yes, by much. That's the ugliest.
00:38:09So, let's get in on. Here's the big one, OK?
00:38:11It's the worst car of the year award, and the nomination's...
00:38:14Actually, it's the Mini Clubman, isn't it?
00:38:17No, it's not.
00:38:18No, it isn't the Mini Clubman. No, it isn't the Mini Clubman.
00:38:21No, the winner this year, and indeed for every year,
00:38:24whilst we have breath in our bodies,
00:38:26is the most stupid, useless and dangerous car ever to stalk the earth.
00:38:31It is the totally terrible and disgusting...
00:38:34Gee whiz.
00:38:43It's not a car, that, is it?
00:38:46No.
00:38:47Neither is it, as they claim to get round safety regulations a quadricycle.
00:38:50But we did think, with a few modifications,
00:38:54it might just make a very good radio-controlled car.
00:38:59I went to find out.
00:39:01For this experiment, we've come here to Swindon.
00:39:05It's the Wiltshire branch of the Science Museum,
00:39:08so it's got the sort of academic atmosphere we need.
00:39:15It's also got a socking great runway,
00:39:17which is excellent,
00:39:18because a good radio-controlled car needs to be fast.
00:39:22So that means we'll have to make our normal Gee Whiz a lot faster.
00:39:27Let me demonstrate the problem with speed
00:39:29by carrying out a simple drag race.
00:39:33I shall pilot the Gee Whiz.
00:39:3548 volts, 0 to 40 in quite a while,
00:39:39and I've put it up against an everyday normal car.
00:39:43A genuine 500 horsepower Mustang.
00:39:47Should be close.
00:39:49Three, two, one, go!
00:39:52We're off, we're off, we're off!
00:39:59He's pulling away.
00:40:03He's pulling away some more.
00:40:05Three, two, one, go!
00:40:06Two, one, go!
00:40:07Three, two, one...
00:40:08One, go!
00:40:09One, go!
00:40:10One, go!
00:40:11One, go!
00:40:12One, go!
00:40:34So, not good.
00:40:35But our radio-controlled version should pep things up.
00:40:40We've made it using the scientific principle of more is more.
00:40:45Basically, it's got ten times more battery power.
00:40:49And to help put that power down,
00:40:51we've fitted it with fat tyres from a Formula 3 racing car.
00:40:55So, let's run the drag race again.
00:40:58Three, two, one, go!
00:41:05Yeah! Try that!
00:41:09That's more like, come on! Come on!
00:41:13Yes!
00:41:15Come on!
00:41:18Yes!
00:41:20But a good radio-controlled car should also handle well.
00:41:24So, along with the fat tyres,
00:41:26our gee whiz has been lowered and widened.
00:41:31To test its handling, we've made ourselves a circuit.
00:41:34And to really find out if our mods have worked,
00:41:37it'll be racing against a conventional remote-controlled car.
00:41:40Now, for this race, I shall pilot the little remote-controlled car.
00:41:44Because to get the best out of the gee whiz for this test,
00:41:47it needs to be controlled by our finest driver.
00:41:50Someone who has never sat on Santa's knee.
00:41:53Someone who's never watched Moonraker on Boxing Day.
00:42:05Right, here we go.
00:42:09Oh, come on!
00:42:11Not to worry, I had a backup.
00:42:16Yes!
00:42:22First corner coming up.
00:42:23Time to see what the Stig makes of our handling changes.
00:42:29Oh, he won't like that.
00:42:30No, that's not good.
00:42:47Second corner.
00:42:48And I knew that if I caught the Stig, he'd squash me again.
00:42:55But no matter.
00:42:57Because the pickup is carrying a special load.
00:43:00Well, I press this little button.
00:43:02Oh, yeah.
00:43:16They've worked.
00:43:17They've worked.
00:43:19That's one more fire to start.
00:43:21That is what's called a start, yeah.
00:43:23And now, the award for the worst-dressed presenter on Top Gear.
00:43:30Whoa!
00:43:31And the nominations are...
00:43:33Richard Hammond's shorts in the London race.
00:43:38Yeah.
00:43:39And Richard Hammond's Spandau Ballet tribute coat in a couple of weeks ago.
00:43:44Yeah.
00:43:45Check that out there.
00:43:46Yeah.
00:43:47Well, the winner, and I have a good feeling about this one.
00:43:52Oh.
00:43:53It's Jeremy Clarkson from a British Leyland Cars film for his dry suit.
00:43:58What?
00:43:59Oh.
00:44:00Oh, yeah.
00:44:01That's...
00:44:02I'm sorry.
00:44:03What about James May and the Aston Martin?
00:44:05Look.
00:44:07Ah, yeah.
00:44:08But I'm not actually dressed at all, though, so...
00:44:10All right, then.
00:44:11I'm going to move it on.
00:44:12This is for the best noise we've heard all year on the nominations are...
00:44:15the Ascari A10.
00:44:16That's a good noise.
00:44:17The Aston Martin DBS for this.
00:44:18Let's go.
00:44:19And the tunnel we went through on the Italian Riviera.
00:44:20Oh, that's a good noise.
00:44:21Oh, that's a good noise.
00:44:22The Aston Martin DBS for this.
00:44:27And the tunnel we went through on the Italian Riviera.
00:44:33But the winner was in fact none of those.
00:44:49the best noise we heard in motoring all year
00:44:52was Richard Hammond when Oliver sank.
00:44:57Vote! Vote! Oliver!
00:45:01Yeah.
00:45:09You thought you'd seen the last of him,
00:45:11but we've flown him 9,000 miles to be here tonight.
00:45:15Ladies and gentlemen, Oliver is here!
00:45:19Oh, yeah!
00:45:21Oliver! Wow!
00:45:23And after the show, we're going to burn it!
00:45:25Yes, we are!
00:45:27Hey, hey, hey, hey.
00:45:29Time for the Best Driver Award.
00:45:31Now, this is for the guest who's come to our track
00:45:34and performed not necessarily the fastest, but the best.
00:45:37And the nominations are...
00:45:39Jennifer Saunders.
00:45:41Don't let the girls down.
00:45:43She was very nearly the fastest of all of them.
00:45:45We were hugely impressed with her competitiveness and style.
00:45:49Then there was Laurence Delaglio,
00:45:51who was also immensely fast, particularly bearing in mind
00:45:53he turned up with two 400-pound shoulder muscles.
00:45:57The winner, actually, it turns out, is the fastest.
00:46:01It's Simon Cowell, everybody!
00:46:09Sadly...
00:46:11Sadly, Simon couldn't be here to collect his award in person.
00:46:15So, earlier today, James dropped it off at his house.
00:46:19This is it.
00:46:21LAUGHTER
00:46:23BUZZLE
00:46:33BUZZLE
00:46:35BUZZLE
00:46:39BUZZLE
00:46:41BUZZLE
00:46:46BUZZLE
00:46:47millions!
00:46:49Anyway, I'm not going to start with him, I'm not going to start with him.
00:46:53If you haven't got your reward, the Miltman has it.
00:46:57Right, so that's that one done with, and it means we can move on to the big one.
00:47:01The Top Gear Car of the Year Award for 2007.
00:47:05Now, this is a tricky one, because we decided that all three of us had to agree.
00:47:10It's very hard, actually, to find one that we all like.
00:47:13I mean, the Aston Martin DBS I nominated, because it's the most fun I've had all year.
00:47:16Too expensive.
00:47:17And, exactly, James just said, no too expensive, so that was that out.
00:47:20What about the Porsche 911 GT3 RS?
00:47:22Broke down, and it's got scaffolding in the back.
00:47:25Right, if you won't agree.
00:47:26I think it has to be the Rolls-Royce Phantom Drophead.
00:47:29Oh, no, please, puff diddly and feel daft scooting about in one of those. It is a bit flashy.
00:47:34It is a bit ostentatious, James, if we're honest. It can't really be that.
00:47:37All right, all right.
00:47:38Audi R8?
00:47:39No, it's brilliant, it's a fabulous car, but I just don't want one.
00:47:42Well, the Audi R8 is like the Jack, it's, to what the Audi R8 is, it's like going on holiday in Germany.
00:47:47Everything's very clean, everything's very efficient, you just don't go there, do you?
00:47:50You go to Italy or France.
00:47:51Lacking something.
00:47:52Yeah.
00:47:53This is true.
00:47:54Erm...
00:47:55Has anybody out there got any ideas what could be our car of the year?
00:48:03Oliver.
00:48:04What?
00:48:05Who said Oliver?
00:48:06How can eight say...
00:48:07Oliver?
00:48:08Yeah!
00:48:09I would rather eat my gentleman vegetables.
00:48:13We've had a Fiat 500 down there.
00:48:16Fiat 500, James.
00:48:17I like it.
00:48:18James doesn't like it.
00:48:19Anyone else?
00:48:20Oh, for crying out loud!
00:48:23The Suzuki Swift.
00:48:25It is actually a very good car, that.
00:48:27This is important, it's like the Oscars, we've got to get it right.
00:48:31I've got an idea.
00:48:33He's had the same one, the Ford Mondeo.
00:48:37Actually, I can't think of anything wrong with it.
00:48:40James, can you think of anything wrong with the Ford Mondeo?
00:48:43It drives really well.
00:48:44It does drive really well.
00:48:45It looks good.
00:48:46It's got a huge amount of space in the back.
00:48:48Actually, it drives as well as a Beamer.
00:48:50And there's loads of dealers.
00:48:51I like the interior, actually.
00:48:52Very well priced.
00:48:53Good engines.
00:48:54It's big inside, there's loads of room.
00:48:56Do you know what?
00:48:57As it happens.
00:48:59As it happens.
00:49:00We never mentioned it when it came out, we never road tested it, but there we are.
00:49:03The 2007 Top Gear Car of the Year.
00:49:06What about the Subaru Legacy Outback?
00:49:09Oh God, that's brilliant.
00:49:10That is an excellent finder.
00:49:12That's made it complicated.
00:49:14No, it hasn't.
00:49:15Here we go.
00:49:17The most prestigious award in motoring, the Top Gear Car of the Year 2007, is either the Subaru Legacy Outback or the Ford Mondeo.
00:49:31Come on down.
00:49:32Yeah.
00:49:33Come on down.
00:49:34Come on down.
00:49:35Come on down.
00:49:36Come on down.
00:49:37Now, earlier on, the three of us were at a private racetrack in Spain.
00:49:42Fabulous place, it's got swimming pools, restaurants, the lot.
00:49:44But we were there to try and find out which is the best small fast German saloon.
00:49:49I reckoned it was the BMW M3, James reckoned it was the Audi RS4, and Jeremy reckoned it was the 6.2 litre Mercedes C-Class.
00:49:58Yes, and after part one of the film, the Mercedes was winning.
00:50:02I had the largest diameter knob.
00:50:06She did.
00:50:07However, the Mercedes was the fastest in a straight line, the most practical and the most powerful.
00:50:13And now we're going to get back to the action.
00:50:19Right, what we're going to do now is find out how fast each car will go round the track.
00:50:26Yep.
00:50:27And for that, we need our tame racing driver.
00:50:29Some say that as we speak, he is actually relaxing in the resort's pool.
00:50:34And he is.
00:50:35He is, actually.
00:50:36He is.
00:50:37He is.
00:50:49We dragged him out of the pool and plonked him into his holiday hire car.
00:50:53This is Emerson Fittipaldi's F1 Lotus, which won the World Championship in 1972.
00:51:10And amazingly, it produces 420 brake horsepower, the same sort of power you get from our saloons.
00:51:24So, first up, let's see how fast this gets round the track.
00:51:28They brought that car out, what, 1970? 1971 season began. What have you done to change it? Nothing.
00:51:49Didn't change it to 75.
00:51:50So, every year they came out?
00:51:51Five years.
00:51:52It was really good last year.
00:51:53Yeah.
00:51:54So, look.
00:52:03One of the interesting things about that car is it had torsion beam suspension, which was very forgiving in slow corners, which made the tyres last longer.
00:52:11Well, you managed to find something boring about something incredibly exciting.
00:52:14But it is interesting.
00:52:20Do we have a time?
00:52:222, 15, 16.
00:52:24Yes!
00:52:252, 15, 16 is the time it did.
00:52:29The Stig then switched to the Merc.
00:52:34I'm getting ready to run away.
00:52:39Look at it rolling!
00:52:41Look at it rolling!
00:52:42What a machine!
00:52:43Part on the brakes now, Tony.
00:52:44Look at that.
00:52:45He's missed the apex.
00:52:47Because it understeered off.
00:52:48It was going straight up.
00:52:52When do you feel most alive?
00:52:54When you're right on that close to death.
00:52:57Every time you get in that car, the greatest thing in your life is you can get out alive.
00:53:00Yeah.
00:53:01You're saying that.
00:53:02You get to every destination and go, yes!
00:53:03Yes, I'm alive, I made it!
00:53:04You don't think that might wear a bit?
00:53:07The Merc has more power than the Lotus F1 car, but could it beat its 2 minute 15 lap time?
00:53:142, 43.
00:53:153, 43.
00:53:17You thought?
00:53:19Next up, Captain Slow's Audi.
00:53:26I'm gonna be 430 years old by the time it goes here.
00:53:29So it's gonna take like half a year.
00:53:30Watch when it comes through here, it will look quick.
00:53:33You'll be able to see it.
00:53:34I don't see it.
00:53:35It's boring.
00:53:39Oh!
00:53:41So when you were saying that it won't slide, what you meant was, I can't slide it.
00:53:46Yes.
00:53:48I hate that sound of understeer.
00:53:50That...
00:53:51Disappointing, isn't it?
00:53:52It's the sound of disappointment.
00:53:55Could we have a time, please, now?
00:53:57It's 2 minutes 43.5 to beat.
00:54:00The RS4 did it in 2 minutes 43.9.
00:54:04Ooh!
00:54:07Well, hang on.
00:54:08That means your extra 45 horsepower has brought you less than half a second.
00:54:14All that noise.
00:54:15All that noise, it is the sound made by an idiot.
00:54:19So, with the Audi out of the running, it was the M3's turn.
00:54:27It is impossible for your car to be faster than my car.
00:54:32I've got more brake horsepower and more brake horsepower per tonne.
00:54:35It's out of control and it rolls through the corners like the wheels are on sideways.
00:54:43Boring.
00:54:44Boring?
00:54:45Boring.
00:54:46Boring there.
00:54:48M3 drivers have no friends.
00:54:51It's just dreary.
00:54:52It's not dreary, it is.
00:54:54It's quite aggressive, it looks menacing and purposeful but not overstated.
00:54:59The M3 did a 2 minutes 38.9.
00:55:06That is quite funny.
00:55:09How can you argue with that?
00:55:11I'm afraid there's been a bit of an argument.
00:55:14Jeremy told the Stig that he hadn't tried hard enough in his Mercedes on the fast lap.
00:55:19The Stig said no, the Mercedes was just too wayward and uncontrollable on the track.
00:55:22Jeremy said rubbish, he could hit an apple on the apex of any corner at full speed.
00:55:27So, here's the apple and here comes, I imagine, a very big crash.
00:55:31Ah!
00:55:32Damn!
00:55:33I'll go again!
00:55:34The important thing is, Jeremy won't get bored.
00:55:38Actually, I did.
00:55:39I did.
00:56:11I'll bet you any money the Stig couldn't do it in your car.
00:56:13Can I advise you don't have that but you're going to have it.
00:56:14I'm going to have it.
00:56:15I would eat it if he could hit it.
00:56:16The great taste of Michelin.
00:56:19There was another issue with the Mad Merc.
00:56:22Whoa!
00:56:23That's canvas, Shane.
00:56:24So, hang on.
00:56:25Hang on.
00:56:26Your rear tyres lasted how long?
00:56:2735 miles.
00:56:28That's going to be inconvenient if you live, like, 40 miles from work.
00:56:31Keen to claw back some dignity after the apple and the lap time debacle, Jeremy became ridiculous.
00:56:46Okay, what we've got here is the brand new Top Gear Cock-O-Meter that I've just thought of.
00:57:03The idea is the camera takes a picture as you approach.
00:57:07The image is then analysed and it tells you how much of a cock you look.
00:57:11First up, James May in the Audi.
00:57:20Good score, so now the Merc.
00:57:26Oh no, it's a seven, so what about Hammond in the M3?
00:57:32I've not got a good feeling about this one.
00:57:35Oh, he's broken the machine!
00:57:44He's broken it!
00:57:47We left Stig to his holiday and headed for home, still unable to agree which of our cars was the best.
00:57:53On the way, we tried each other's cars and that made things even worse.
00:58:08This Audi is just a very, very nice place to be.
00:58:13And that four-wheel-drive system.
00:58:15After all of our two-wheel-drive lairiness,
00:58:17suddenly to have that security, that planted feel.
00:58:22It does make sense.
00:58:23This Mercedes is pretty revolting.
00:58:24It's really chintzy and glitzy and cheesy and it has a very exciting engine though.
00:58:40Tremendous engine, in fact. It's fantastic.
00:58:44To annoy Hammond, I dressed like an M3 driver before taking the wheel.
00:58:53The thing is though, we're not reviewing the people who buy this car.
00:58:57We're reviewing the car and when Richard Hammond says it's poised and balanced and precise,
00:59:04he is talking absolute sense.
00:59:09What a car. What a masterpiece.
00:59:11So, sublime.
00:59:16Civilised.
00:59:18Insane.
00:59:20All slightly different, but truth be told.
00:59:25All absolutely brilliant.
00:59:32Good job.
00:59:34We have odd news.
00:59:36See, the thing is,
00:59:37after we'd each driven each other's cars, a funny thing happened.
00:59:42Two of us changed our minds about which was the best.
00:59:47These two finally saw the light and agreed that the BMW is the winner.
00:59:52You see, the thing is, is that small, fast saloons is what BMW does.
00:59:55It's in their blood.
00:59:57The Mercedes and the Audi are copies.
00:59:58They're very good copies, brilliant copies.
01:00:01But they're copies nevertheless.
01:00:03So, for once, a useful conclusion there.
01:00:05If you want a small, fast German saloon, buy the BMW.
01:00:09I wouldn't.
01:00:10What?
01:00:12I'm sorry, I know it's the best car here, but I could not ignore the insanity of the Mercedes.
01:00:16I just couldn't.
01:00:17I think you're weird.
01:00:21And my New Year's resolution is to be as weird as you.
01:00:25No chance.
01:00:26Well, we shall find out next year, because that's when we're back.
01:00:29Thank you very much for watching this programme and indeed this series.
01:00:32We're off now to get very drunk.
01:00:34Goodbye!
01:00:35Next on Top Gear Night In, the moment when Richard Hammond meets his childhood hero, stunt superstar Evel Knievel.
01:00:45And on BBC Three, so many to choose from, the most annoying people of 2007.
01:00:51And before we get too depressed about the end of the series, you can catch the best of Top Gear on New Year's Day at 10 past nine on BBC Two.
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