- 6 days ago
Tv, Allo Allo S6E03 - The Nouvion Oars
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00:00If you had been here ten minutes ago, you would have seen me disguised as the hunchback of Notre Dame.
00:28This disguise was to deceive Airflick of the Gestapo and his assistant, Von Schmolhausen, who were themselves disguised as British airmen, in the hope of finding out who it was that is helping them to escape.
00:39They were admitted to a deserted chateau by my waitress Mimi, disguised as a bald, toothless manservant, Yvette disguised as the Bride of Frankenstein, Monsieur Leclerc disguised as a footman with four arms, and my wife Edith disguised as a cackling old crone.
00:55These descriptions will be circulated, but now we have returned to normal, the theory is that we will never be traced, though I am a little bit worried about Edith, who even with make-up does not look all that different from her normal appearance.
01:11I may. Michelle is here. She wishes to speak to you urgently.
01:14We have lost, Officer Crabtree.
01:18Congratulations.
01:19I have here his uniform and a solvent to remove from his head the false ears of his disguise.
01:25Why bring them here?
01:26He cannot go to the police station in his present state, so I have arranged to have him directed here.
01:31Good Mooney.
01:32What are you doing here?
01:33I am being fellowed. A very large German sentry has been chitting me up. He fancies me.
01:48They will go for anything in a skirt.
01:50He must be very desperate. He was. I could not run. I had my knockers round my ankles.
01:58Here is your uniform. You can change in my bedroom.
02:05I will check if the court is clear. Yes, go now. Only my regular customers are in the cafe.
02:13Soxist posants. You are crimpet mad.
02:28Listen very carefully. My people have dismantled the mechanism of the telescopic aerial that was in the graveyard.
02:38While you were at the chateau, they reassembled it in the bedroom of your wife's mother.
02:43Now it is time to send a message to London to arrange for the submarine to meet the British airmen.
02:48Where are they now?
02:49They are near the canal with their upturned baths, waiting for instructions to meet the submarine.
02:54Now understand this clearly, Michel. These are the last airmen to ID. I will have no more of it.
02:58Do you not realize how lucky you are to be selected to be the hero of the resistance?
03:03There are thousands waiting to fill your shoes.
03:05Good. Wheel in number one.
03:08Get to the attic. We must send the message.
03:12And see, Edith, this is the material from which they will fashion my wedding gown.
03:24Oh, it is beautiful, Mama. Black market, 400 francs a yard.
03:31And from this one, they will make up the dresses for the bridesmaids.
03:37It feels very hard-wearing.
03:39Oh, it is. It is good stuff.
03:43Monsieur Alphonse uses a very same to line his most expensive coffees.
03:53Michel wishes to send a message to London.
03:55My mother was just about to have her nap.
03:57We will distress her as little as possible.
03:59You should not have fitted a skylight in my roof without my permission.
04:04I feel exposed.
04:07Nobody can see you from up there, you silly old bat.
04:10When I wake in the morning, the first thing I see is the bum of a pigeon.
04:19It is to allow our telescopic aerial to rise to its operational light.
04:23Come, we must send the signal.
04:25What is happening?
04:26I like to be crushed like a beetle.
04:39Quick, the radio.
04:40Oh, it is.
04:41Oh.
04:42What is going on?
04:43Watch and all will be revealed.
04:46Hello, London.
04:47This is Nighthawk calling.
04:48Over.
04:49Hello, Nighthawk.
04:50Hello, Nighthawk.
04:51We are receiving you very loud and clear.
04:52Pass your message.
04:53Over.
04:54The cow is ready to jump over the moon.
04:55Jack and Jill are standing by in a bucket.
04:59Message received and understood.
05:00Oh.
05:01Oh.
05:02The cow is ready to jump over the moon.
05:06Jack and Jill are standing by in a bucket.
05:07Message received and understood.
05:08Oh.
05:09Oh.
05:10Oh.
05:11Oh.
05:12Oh.
05:13Oh.
05:14Oh.
05:15Oh.
05:16Oh.
05:17Oh.
05:18Oh.
05:19Oh.
05:20Oh.
05:21Oh.
05:22Oh.
05:23Oh.
05:24Oh.
05:25Oh.
05:26Oh.
05:27Oh.
05:28Oh.
05:29Oh.
05:30Oh.
05:31Oh.
05:32Oh.
05:33Oh.
05:34Oh.
05:35It is.
05:36Why are they in my room?
05:40A six-foot pixie?
05:43Here, take the servant.
05:45Oh.
05:46Look, it is beginning to snow!
05:48Oh, you!
05:49Oh!
05:50Cancels a wedding!
05:52I cannot have my honeymoon under these conditions.
05:54Quick!
05:55Pull down the Ă¡rea.
05:56You cannot do this to my mother.
05:59Oh.
06:00Ernest will be frozen steep.
06:04Well, if he's a true Frenchman, he will not complain
06:08It is a bazaar
06:23They feed on the dead
06:28Go away, come back after the honeymoon
06:34Never in my entire military career
06:40Have I known one of my brilliant plans to be so monstrously cocked up
06:43You're incompetent fools
06:45Generally, how can you say this?
06:50My men, they jump from the plane in the British clothes
06:53With the big moustache
06:55And they smoke the peeps
06:57And they walk about in the woods
07:00Impersonating the British officers
07:02They go, pho-pho-pho
07:04And then they drop their aniseed balls
07:13Do your bloodhounds follow the scent?
07:17No, what happens?
07:18No, meet the resistance
07:19No, meet the dogs
07:21It's Grimmar's fault
07:23He couldn't get bloodhounds
07:24He brought poodles
07:26Borrowed from French tarts
07:30I owe them 5,000 francs for loss of business
07:33General, two British airmen have been apprehended by our patrols
07:40They are outside
07:41Ah, at least someone is on the ball
07:43Bring them in
07:44In here
07:44Your idiot soldiers refuse to believe that we are officers of the Gestapo
07:55They were very rude to us
07:57They called me Shorty
07:59Never mind this
08:02Did you make contact with the resistance?
08:04We did
08:04We wish you to arrest person or persons who answer to the following descriptions
08:09Group, take notes
08:10One bald-headed midget butler with one tooth
08:16One hunchback monster
08:21One bride of Frankenstein
08:25One very old cackling crone
08:31She had a very long nose
08:33But otherwise was not unlike Madame Edith
08:36One footman
08:40Any features you particularly remember?
08:44He had four arms
08:45And how did you find the rendezvous where you met these extraordinary people?
08:52We were led there by a girl
08:54Six foot tall
08:56With a moustache
08:57And ears like a jug
08:59With her knickers round her ankles
09:03Clearly you are giving us these ludicrous descriptions
09:07Because you wish the Gestapo to take the credit for the capture of the resistance people
09:11I'm warning you
09:12You'll be kept under very close observation
09:15You'll not be able to go to the bathroom
09:16As I'll be knowing about it
09:17Meanwhile
09:18Berlin will be informed of your perverse antics
09:21And your recalcitrant demeanour
09:23Which has exacerbated the quid pro quo
09:25Vis-a-vis interdepartmental relationships
09:27Come von Smallhausen
09:29To our dictionaries
09:31General, on the telephone is a call from our wireless monitoring station
09:37General, messages have been intercepted between Nouvion and London by our wireless monitoring service
09:53Well, what did they say?
09:55Well, it would appear that a cow is ready to jump over the moon
10:00And Jack and Jill are standing in a bucket
10:04Obviously our monitoring station has been infiltrated by the Gestapo
10:10Arrest the operators and replace them with trusted men
10:13Yes, Jill
10:13Problem remains
10:15How do we keep tabs on Herr Flick of the Gestapo?
10:18Helga is very close to him
10:21They're keen to marry
10:22It is Herr Flick who is keen to marry
10:26I am ambivalent
10:27Yes, I quite understand your position
10:29You will become keen at once
10:33You will marry Herr Flick and stick to him like glue
10:36You will report back to us
10:37And we will mop up the resistance
10:39And then I will ask the Fuhrer to annul the marriage
10:41Is this not a heavy responsibility for a lance corporal?
10:45If you succeed, you could rise instantly to the rank of sergeant
10:48And I will recommend you for a post on the staff of one of the Fuhrer's love camps
10:52Where you will be surrounded by the cream of blonde-haired German manhood
10:56Who could refuse such an offer?
10:59Oh, indeed
11:00Is it any body there?
11:15Hello?
11:16Hello?
11:22Is it any body in there?
11:30It's a dreadful man from the cafe
11:36Look, he's got food
11:38There's a message from Michelle
11:40It is in the sandwich
11:42What did he say?
11:46I don't know
11:46I don't speak a word of the language
11:48Oh
11:49It's a damn thing full of paper
11:52Look, there's writing on it
11:54I think it was a message
11:56It's signed Michelle
11:57What does it say?
11:59Anal
12:00Ab-marine
12:02She's a funny sort of a girl, isn't she?
12:06I have it
12:07They want us to go down the canal
12:09And meet the submarine
12:11Oh, well
12:12Here goes
12:13Enter
12:25The general has sent you this bottle of champagne
12:43And hopes that these quarters will be suitable for your purpose
12:46Tell the general I'm overwhelmed
12:49You will see that there is also one small pot of caviar
12:53Which, as you may know, is an aphrodisiac
12:56Oh, my
12:58Your message, summoning here, Flick, was delivered half an hour ago
13:03The general is most anxious that the marriage take place as soon as possible
13:07And be consummated without delay
13:09So that the spying may commence
13:11The annulment may be arranged for the same speed
13:14Enter
13:16Here are the flowers that you ordered, Lieutenant
13:24Not yet
13:25They are to be delivered after the arrival of Herr Flick
13:28Very good
13:30Attached
13:34Attached to the flowers is a note seemingly from an admirer
13:40The purpose of this is to drive Herr Flick mad with jealousy
13:44So that he will, as it were, get his finger out
13:46At what stage of the proceedings do you expect these flowers to arrive?
13:52At the pop of the champagne Coke
13:54Good
13:55Good luck
13:55Your sergeant's stripes are in the drawer of the general's bureau
14:00And I have volunteered to drive you to the love camp
14:24I can't help you
14:31The general thinks of everything
14:40Enter
14:49It seems that the German army take very good care of their privates
15:01Our lance corporal
15:06Of course
15:06That explains it
15:08I forgot
15:08This is the first time you've seen my quarters
15:11Let me take your coat
15:12Your note indicated that you wish to discuss with me something of great importance
15:27Yes, I do
15:28Sit down
15:30May I remove your Gestapo hat?
15:37If you wish
15:38But do it with care
15:39I have just had a short back and sides
15:42You have in the past done me the honour of proposing to me marriage
15:52I cannot keep you dangling any longer
15:54I was not until now aware that I was dangling
15:58I am therefore taking the bull by the horns
16:01And asking you to marry me
16:03Take me, Herflick
16:04I am in the blood of my youth
16:06This I can see
16:08In fact, some of it is spilling over
16:11We'd better have the champagne
16:14How typical of the French
16:32They put things in with never a thought of how to get them out again
16:36My, my, who can this be?
16:44Enter
16:45These flowers were delivered for you
16:52Exit
16:55Oh, dear
17:00Fill the nook house and never leave me alone
17:03Are you jealous that admirers send me flowers?
17:15No
17:16I am more concerned that you have rendered unconscious von Smallhausen
17:20The vessel is my car
17:23However, he will probably recover
17:26Where were we?
17:27I was accepting your proposal of marriage
17:30How do you fancy a little snack?
17:39Take it away, Helga
17:40I can never bring myself to eat the little balls of the fish
17:44This brings me to the ring
17:47I have not yet chosen a ring
17:49But I have
17:50Rubies and pearls
17:53Helga, I am most touched
17:55It is a little small
18:00It is for me
18:01See?
18:08Helga
18:08You must understand that
18:10Although I have a sunny and outgoing personality
18:14I am by nature shy
18:16This is because
18:18I was an orphan
18:19And was raised by some very old nuns
18:22The feeling to draw to my attention
18:25One or two essential differences
18:27Between the boy bees and the girl bees
18:29For this reason
18:31At this moment
18:32I do not know whether I am on my head or my heels
18:35Try your back
18:37My wife is about to sing
18:46Hurry up with the cheese
18:47The Germans wanted for their ears
18:49Oh, René
18:51You have not out and kissed me
18:53Since I was dressed as a little old bald-headed butler
18:55With one tooth
18:56Well, you did look a bit like your mother
18:58Embrace me, René
19:01Oh, all right
19:02Here
19:02Stand on the stool
19:04Renew my confidence, René
19:08Turn the key that unlocks the passion in my body
19:11Make the drum sound in my head
19:13It is working
19:18It is the door
19:20Hurry up with the cheese
19:25Monsieur Clare is halfway through the introduction
19:27Yes, hurry up with the cheese, Mimi
19:29Do not hang about in the larder
19:30Oh, René
19:40Oh, I cannot stand the strain of our secret romance much longer
19:46My hair is beginning to fall out
19:48I, too, have been under great strain
19:51There is only one thought in my head
19:55You, you, you
19:58Oh, I am the same
20:00Me, me, me
20:01Oh, René
20:03Oh, Yvette
20:04How long have we got?
20:06Half the intro and two choruses
20:08Half the intro duamental
20:10Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
20:21Hi, Randy, please
20:28diversity
20:29I got those taxes
20:30to the people
20:32You did a good job
20:34D tightening the video
20:34Tomorrow, oh, oh, oh, oh, and that's right
20:36Maybe you just
20:37I got this happy peach!
20:39I got this happy, happy, happy peach!
20:52I wonder where she learned the dancing.
20:55I think killing cockroaches in the kitchen.
20:59Rony, you have missed my cabaret.
21:02I was in the larder dealing with another ram.
21:07Michelle, back home.
21:09Why does she always have to come when we are busy?
21:15Shut up!
21:17Now, Michelle, please, Harry, I have Germans in my café.
21:20In that case, I shall say these only ones.
21:23We must be at the rendezvous to make sure that the airmen meet the submarine and get away.
21:27I have a boat standing by.
21:29What excuse have we got to be in a boat in the estuary?
21:32Nouvion is renowned for its rowing eight.
21:35You four will be joined by four of my girls posing as the club team.
21:39When I was a young girl, I was a member.
21:42We were known as the Nouvion Hors.
21:49How will we find this submarine?
21:51A marker will be sent to the surface.
21:53And how are we to recognise this marker?
21:56Simple.
21:57It will be a radio-controlled goose.
21:59There are in the estuary many geese.
22:03How do we know which one is the marker?
22:05Its eyes will flash.
22:07It will emit smoke from the other end.
22:09Well, that should help me to stand out from the crowd.
22:13Beyond the shore, 9.30 by the clubhouse tomorrow.
22:17Now, look, Michelle...
22:18If you are going into one of your whinging moods, I will call off the old operation and put the airmen back in your cellar.
22:23Oh, no, no, no. Anything but that.
22:25Good. I will now disappear through your window past your dustbins.
22:28I cannot wait for the war to be over then. I can tell that girl what a bossy pain in the neck she has become.
22:38I have not gone yet.
22:43Colonel, I have news.
22:45Von Rathaus has reported strange activities in the estuary.
22:49The general is mystified and requires us to investigate.
22:58I cannot sue anybody with my verniculars. I think the first is clear.
23:28Why do you not carry an ear?
23:37Because I have a microphone.
23:41Clever duck.
23:47It will not go. What do we do?
23:50Captain Bertorelli, get out and give us a push.
23:53I have the better idea, eh?
24:00Before the war, I was the gondolier in Venice.
24:04Mwah!
24:06Just the one horse apart
24:10Than the dog you see!
24:18Well, I don't know. I got Trump's ball on my periscope.
24:22Lend me your hanky.
24:26Certainly not!
24:30What are we looking for?
24:32We're looking for a flashing goose.
24:35Canadian?
24:37Almost certainly.
24:46Can you see anything, sir?
24:47Not a lot.
24:48We're in the estuary, but I'm not quite sure where.
24:52Done, Periscope.
24:54Shall I send out the goose?
24:56Yes.
24:57Good idea.
24:59Fire number one.
25:01Goose away!
25:03Goose away, sir.
25:04Jolly good, sir.
25:08All we can do now is wait.
25:10Have you got anything on your as-dick?
25:13No, sir. It cleared up last week.
25:17In! Oh! In! Oh!
25:19Shut up, you old fool.
25:20It stopped rowing five minutes ago.
25:23René, Michel is coming alongside in the funeral boat of Monsieur Alphonse.
25:29Have you seen the upturned bus containing the airmen?
25:37No, we have not.
25:39This is a complete fiasco.
25:41Why do we not just row home before we all get shot?
25:44Si, si!
25:46René, a goose is approaching.
25:48Will somebody please answer that, Bruce?
26:07Hello. This is Bluetit here.
26:10Ah, hello, Bluetit.
26:12Where are these airmen, chappies?
26:14We can't hang about.
26:15We're trying to locate them.
26:18Madame Edith, look!
26:23Michel, the Germans are heading towards us in a boat.
26:27It's the Colonel and Lieutenant Grover.
26:30Sorry, we can't talk anymore.
26:32We seem to have a bit of a problem.
26:36Edward's assur.
26:37Aye, aye, sir.
26:38She's hung up.
26:46Ahoy there!
26:49René, what are you doing rowing about here?
26:54Ah, er...
26:55Hello, Colonel.
26:56We are the Champion Rowing Club.
26:58We are practicing for the regatta.
27:01Clear the area advanced.
27:03You had better hurry.
27:04We are investigating suspicious goings-on.
27:07Oh, yes, certainly.
27:09All together, girls.
27:21It's my opinion that there is a submarine here somewhere.
27:25I agree, Gruber.
27:26There.
27:29What's happening, sir?
27:30I haven't the foggiest idea.
27:32Let's see what's going on.
27:34Up, Periscope.
27:37If we could find it, it would be a feather in our caps.
27:48We're sinking!
27:51That's all those boats!
27:52Whoo!
27:55Whoo!
27:56whirl!
27:57Whoo!
27:59What are you doing?
28:00Oh shit!
28:02Josh wheeze.
28:04Hit the kiss!
28:07Wow!
28:10No!
28:13Please.
28:14Missouri.
28:17Come on!
28:19Whoo!
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