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Tv, Allo Allo S7E07 - Leg It to Spain!
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00:00Life has finally got to work for me here in Nouvien, so I've decided to leg it for Spain.
00:26As you see, I am disguised as an onion seller.
00:30I'm also going to be taking the painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies,
00:34which we stole last night from the safe of Airflick by tunnelling through from the old bakery next door.
00:40Unfortunately, as I was removing the painting from the back of the safe,
00:43Lieutenant Gruber opened the front and caught a glimpse of me.
00:48Fortunately, he thought that I was the ghost of my own dead twin brother,
00:52because I was covered in flour at the time.
00:55So, to be on the safe side, I am going to pinch the bicycle of Officer Crabtree and head for the Spanish border.
01:03If my legs hold out, I should be there by the end of the war.
01:05René, where are you going?
01:10To Spain, my child. I am going to sell the painting of the fallen Madonna and then send for you.
01:15But I thought you gave the painting to Michelle to sell for resistance funds.
01:18That was a forgery. The original is in my knapsack.
01:22Oh, René, do not leave me.
01:25Careful, you will crush my onions.
01:27Oh, René, take me with you. I will endure any hardship to be by your side.
01:33Seven hundred miles on my crossbar may be too much.
01:37Goodbye, Yvette.
01:39Expect a card. I will sign it, A Spaniard, and then you can rest assured it comes from me.
01:44Oh, René!
01:45René!
01:47What are you doing holding that servant girl in your arms?
01:51And why is she crying?
01:52You stupid woman!
01:55Can you not see that these onions are making her weep?
01:58I was just wiping her poor eyes.
02:01Now go back to bed, Yvette, and do not look back.
02:04Do as he says.
02:06I will be brave.
02:11René, you cannot run away.
02:13I am sure the Germans will arrest me for breaking into the safe of Airflick.
02:16Nonsense.
02:17One quick glimpse of your face covered with flour inside a safe.
02:21No one will be able to prove it was you.
02:23Oh, René, I will swear that we have been in bed together in a passionate embrace all night.
02:31Well, there goes the case for the defense.
02:39Oh, there you are, René.
02:41We want to work with you.
02:42Good morning, Colonel, Lieutenant, Captain.
02:45Somebody broke into Airflick's safe last night.
02:48Yes, we did.
02:50But someone has broken in from the back and stolen the painting of the fallen Madonna.
02:55And this morning, a trail of flour from the bakery has led us to the door of your cafe.
03:01No.
03:02Yes.
03:02Are you telling the truth, or you're in a bigger trouble?
03:05Well, what you have just told me explains a mysterious event that happened just a few moments ago.
03:10A disreputable stranger, all covered in flour, entered through that very door and tried to sell me the painting of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies.
03:18I knew you would have an explanation.
03:22And what did you do?
03:23He sent him packing.
03:25No, no, no, no.
03:26You were half asleep, my dearest.
03:29No, I confiscated the painting, and then I sent him packing.
03:31Oh, yes.
03:33I was half asleep.
03:34Where is the painting now?
03:36I was just about to cycle over and give it to you.
03:44Excellent.
03:46Lieutenant Gruber swears he saw someone who looked just like you steal it from the safe.
03:52That is impossible.
03:53The man looked nothing at all like René.
03:55He was short and skinny, with piggy eyes and a squint.
03:59He had a scar from ear to ear.
04:01Two of his front teeth were missing.
04:03Also, he had a limp.
04:05I thought you said you were half asleep.
04:08I was.
04:09If I had been fully awake, I would have been able to give you a more detailed description.
04:14There you are, Colonel.
04:15A simple case of mistaken identity.
04:17I think we should give René the benefit of the doubt, Colonel.
04:22Well, from now on, keep your nose clean.
04:25Yes, Colonel.
04:25Come on.
04:28If you don't, you'll be in the deep doodah.
04:34I suspect that you have been a naughty boy, René.
04:38But I did not want to get you into trouble.
04:41Thank you, Lieutenant.
04:42If there is ever anything I can do in return...
04:44Yes, well, no doubt I shall think of something.
04:48Until then.
04:50Until then.
04:52Oh, René.
04:54That was a close call.
04:55My legs have gone all wobbly.
04:57Lieutenant Gruber saved our bacon.
05:00He knows it was me.
05:01The next time he comes to dinner,
05:03we will make sure that he has the best table by the window.
05:06Let us hope that is all he wants.
05:07Good morning, Herr Flop.
05:19And good morning to you, Herr von Smellhorsen.
05:23It is not a good morning.
05:25I wish to report a serious burglary.
05:28And what has been biggled?
05:31Last night, someone blew down the door to my secret headquarters,
05:35broke into my safe and stole a valuable painting.
05:39Can you discroob this painting?
05:42It was the Fallen Madonna by Van Klomp.
05:45The one with the big boobies.
05:47Killing him a dinner with the bog BB.
05:54I may be able to help you, Herr Flock.
05:57I saw the men who deed the dude.
06:00You, Dodd?
06:02You did?
06:05I was outside your head quitters
06:07when I saw some pupil acting in a suspicious minna.
06:11Why did you not arrest them?
06:13Before I could, they hit me on the hod.
06:17And I pissed out.
06:23Recognise these men?
06:25I had never seen them before in my loaf.
06:28But I have drawn a rough scotch with my pencil.
06:33Good.
06:34There will be a generous reward for information leading to the arrest of these people.
06:42So from the sketch, they appear to be from another planet.
06:47What is the reward?
06:49100 francs.
06:51That's not much.
06:52I've got more than that in my piggy bank.
06:55Make that 100 francs and his piggy bank.
06:58Don't do it.
06:59I shall do my bust.
07:03When will I learn to keep my truture?
07:06That's when you are taller.
07:10Do you think this is the original giver?
07:13I don't trust René.
07:14Oh, yes, Coronel.
07:16I recognise this little circular mark from when I hid it in my quarters.
07:20Is that the secret sign of the artist?
07:22No, that is where I put a damp glass of schnapps on.
07:28General von Klinkerhofen!
07:31Good morning, gentlemen.
07:36The town is abuzz with rumour.
07:38It seems that there was a burglary carried out at the Gestapo headquarters.
07:42And a certain painting that was thought to be missing is again missing.
07:48Have you anything to add to these rumours?
07:50Have we anything to add, Gilbert?
07:53I think we're about to.
07:57Don't tell me the news is already in the paper.
07:59No, General.
08:00But there's good news for you under this paper.
08:04The painting is safe.
08:07It was handed to us a few moments ago, anonymously.
08:10We were just going to bring it to you.
08:12Oh, this is splendid news.
08:15The Fuhrer will be delighted.
08:17I shall take it to my quarters for safekeeping.
08:19I suspect that this break-in was carried out by you without my permission.
08:24But I shall turn a blind eye.
08:26Very nearly true, General.
08:29Medals may be in order for you, too.
08:31I was the one who revealed its location.
08:34I shall pin yours on, personally.
08:37What about me?
08:39My men blew the safe.
08:41Stick another feather in your hat.
08:46In the meantime, Goober,
08:47how is the first edition of the newspaper progressing?
08:50It is almost ready, General.
08:52Oh, good.
08:53Since our picnic with the French peasants
08:56was ruined by the Gestapo,
08:58we shall need another picture for the front page
09:00to show how well we are getting on
09:02with the conquered French.
09:05What about one of the garrison commanders
09:06enjoying an evening out at the local cafe?
09:09Enjoying food, wine, and entertainment.
09:11Excellent.
09:12I will arrange it at once, General.
09:14Excellent.
09:14Well, I shall see you all tonight.
09:16Perhaps you can arrange for the pin-up
09:18of the tank quarter to sit next to me.
09:21Thank you, General.
09:22I was referring to Private Helga Gerhardt.
09:28It would be a privilege.
09:31Heil Hitler.
09:33Heil Hitler.
09:34Heil Mussolini.
09:35Don't push your luck.
09:37Dammit!
09:38We've lost the painting.
09:39Don't worry.
09:40If I keep in with the General,
09:42we may be able to get it back.
09:44By the way,
09:45I didn't know I was pin-up of the tank core.
09:47You're not in my little tank.
09:51Thank heavens for that.
09:55Flick,
09:56there are rumours in the village
09:57that Colonel von Storm
09:58has somehow obtained
09:59the painting of the fallen Madonna
10:01which was stolen from your safe.
10:03Curse it.
10:04I might have guessed he was behind it.
10:07This means I must make up with Helga
10:09so she can assist in its recovery.
10:12That will not be easy, Herr Flick.
10:14She was not very pleased when you ditched her.
10:17Fortunately,
10:18I have in my desk drawer
10:20the Gestapo manual entitled
10:22How to Get Off with Women of the Opposite Sex
10:26and Ten Easy Lessons
10:28with an introduction by Ava Brown.
10:32Here we are.
10:33Chapter 5.
10:35How to Make Up with a Woman You Have Ditched.
10:38What does it say?
10:40There is only one way
10:41to worm your way
10:42back into the heart
10:43of a woman you have ditched.
10:44Grovel.
10:50But that is against
10:51your natural instincts, Herr Flick.
10:54That is correct.
10:55Senior Gestapo officers
10:56are not used to groveling.
10:58I mean, I cannot see you
10:59being meek and humble
11:01and generally very crawly.
11:03I shall have to take a leaf
11:05out of your book, François.
11:07You give me plenty of practice, Herr Flick.
11:10It says here
11:11I shall take her gifts,
11:13write her a poem
11:14or serenade her with a love song.
11:17What woman could resist such a man?
11:20But can you sing?
11:22I have a fine teller voice.
11:26I will sing her
11:27a serenade from Rosemary.
11:30Then I'm calling you
11:36A superb rendition, Herr Flick.
11:46Superb!
11:47It is good to hear from you
11:48for a change and honest opinion.
11:50Will you answer too?
12:01Yes, Colonel.
12:03This evening,
12:04I'll pass on the message.
12:06Who was that?
12:08That was the Colonel.
12:09The General is coming here tonight
12:11to be photographed
12:11having a jolly time
12:13for the newspaper
12:13to show how well we collaborate.
12:16It was not easy
12:17to control myself.
12:18Oh, René,
12:19we must not upset them.
12:21Well, we must not let
12:22the villagers think
12:23we are being too friendly
12:24or they may stop coming.
12:25But of course,
12:26I shall sing for them.
12:27It is only expected.
12:30Well, that should convince
12:31the village that we have
12:32at least got some fight left.
12:35René,
12:36I must talk to you urgently.
12:38What were you doing
12:39in our back passage?
12:41I was testing the wine barrels
12:42that will transport
12:43the British German
12:44down the river to the sea
12:45so they can be picked up
12:46by the boat squadron.
12:48Tonight is the night.
12:50Where are these barrels?
12:52In your cellar.
12:53The airmen are just
12:54trying them for size.
12:55Oh, my God.
12:56Come and say farewell to them.
12:58This will be the last time
12:59you will see them.
13:00My plan is foolproof.
13:02Now, where have I heard that before?
13:05These are the special barrels.
13:09Hello?
13:10Hello!
13:10Hello!
13:11We are acclimatizing them
13:13to being in the barrels.
13:15Hello, chaps.
13:16Everything okay?
13:17I've got pins and needles
13:18everywhere.
13:19You're lucky.
13:21I think I've got woodworm.
13:24Michelle,
13:24how will the boat squadron
13:26see them in the dark?
13:27I will demonstrate.
13:29Right, chaps.
13:30Ready to run through the drill?
13:31Splendid!
13:31Oh, they're good.
13:33This is an airbrained plan.
13:35At least it will get rid of them.
13:37For good, I should think.
13:39Okay, chaps.
13:39You're out at sea.
13:40Go.
13:42Ready to crash?
13:44Go.
13:44Ready?
13:45Telly-ho!
13:51Incredible.
13:52So that is where
13:53my bathroom bulbs went.
13:55Each barrel is equipped
13:57with a long-life heavy-duty battery
13:58which is attached to the bulbs.
14:01Well done, chaps.
14:01Foolproof?
14:16I'm calling you
14:19Will you answer to?
14:26Good morning, Helga.
14:32Did you enjoy
14:33my little serenade?
14:35Is that what it was?
14:36I thought it was
14:37one of the peasants
14:38skinning a cat.
14:41Do I detect
14:42a certain coldness
14:43in your demeanour
14:44as a result
14:45of our lover's tiff?
14:46What do you want,
14:47Herflick?
14:48I see you intend
14:49to make it difficult
14:50for me, Helga.
14:51Perhaps you will melt
14:52when I read you
14:53this poem.
14:54I love you more
14:57than words can say
14:58from your head
14:59down to your toes.
15:00I am lost four words
15:02to show my love
15:03so please
15:04accept this rose.
15:10That is a dead cod.
15:13Roses are out of season.
15:16I only found out
15:17after I had written the poem.
15:19It would take more
15:20than a dead cod
15:21to get around me.
15:22You will be pleased
15:23to hear
15:24that I have decided
15:25to forgive you.
15:26I am willing
15:26to take you back
15:27if you promise
15:28to behave.
15:29By the way,
15:29where is the painting
15:30of the fallen Madonna?
15:32The general has it
15:33in his quarters
15:34in his chateau.
15:36You may kiss me.
15:37I'd rather kiss the cod.
15:41Well,
15:42help me get it back
15:43and we will share
15:44the proceeds.
15:45When I was mad
15:46about you,
15:47I might have helped.
15:48But now that you
15:48have ditched me,
15:49I have my own plans.
15:51The general's
15:52quite keen on me.
15:55Please,
15:55Helga.
15:59Oh,
15:59roses
16:00for the beautiful
16:01lady.
16:05What's he doing here?
16:06Mind your own business.
16:08Oh,
16:09Captain Bertarelli,
16:09what lovely flowers.
16:11You certainly know
16:12how to treat a woman,
16:14unlike certain others.
16:16Maybe tonight,
16:18before we meet
16:18the generali
16:19in the cafe,
16:20we could take a stroll
16:20in the moonlight
16:21and do the canoodle.
16:24Oh,
16:24fun.
16:26Perhaps you would
16:26rather have a little
16:27lunch with me.
16:28We could grill
16:29some sausages
16:30over my upturned
16:31electric fire.
16:34How about
16:35a picnic
16:35in the woods?
16:37That sounds
16:37much more exciting.
16:39Maybe we could
16:40learn something
16:41from the birds
16:41and the bees.
16:42Maybe they could
16:43learn something
16:44from us.
16:45It'd be so nice
16:46to be going out
16:47with a real man
16:48at last.
16:49Sa-sa-le-le-ya!
17:02The nerves!
17:03The flashing nerves!
17:06Eight,
17:06dead on time.
17:07Quick,
17:08lift the bed.
17:09Oh!
17:11Oh,
17:12this is flashing
17:13never cease!
17:15Shut up,
17:16you old bat!
17:20Hello, London.
17:21Hello, London.
17:22This is Night Oak.
17:23What is your message?
17:24Over.
17:24We will be looking out
17:26for the two seabirds
17:27from midnight onwards.
17:29Is everything okay?
17:30Over.
17:31Well,
17:32apart from the fact
17:32that we have to entertain
17:34half the German army
17:35to dinner
17:35and the seabirds
17:36have fused their flashes,
17:38all is well.
17:39Over.
17:40Understood.
17:41Over and out.
17:41As soon as the Germans
17:43have come,
17:44we will roll the barrels
17:45down to the river.
17:48Oh!
17:49Oh!
17:50What is happening,
17:51Fanny?
17:52Have I missed anything?
17:54Some old bird's
17:55flash has been fused.
17:58It was nothing
17:59to do with me.
18:03Can you see them,
18:05von Smallhausen?
18:06Yes, Sir Fleek.
18:08The Italian has put
18:09his jacket down
18:10on the grass
18:11and has taken out
18:12a sandwich.
18:14And Helga?
18:16She sits next to him.
18:18The trollop.
18:20She's trying to make you
18:22jealous, Sir Fleek.
18:23I am aware of this.
18:25Fortunately,
18:26I have it under control.
18:28What?
18:28She should make her
18:30jealous of you.
18:31Then she might help you
18:32get back the painting.
18:33The idea has already
18:36germinated in my brain.
18:38Tonight,
18:39we shall go to
18:40Café René
18:41in our glad rags
18:42in order to
18:42check up the victresses.
18:45That should have
18:46her hopping up and down.
18:48The eye-ties,
18:49put his arms,
18:50aren't her?
18:51The oily vop.
18:54Rivering.
18:55I think someone
18:58is spying on us
18:59up a tree.
19:00I certainly hope so.
19:02Now, kiss me on the cheek
19:03and try not to get
19:04your feathers up my nose.
19:07He's kissing her.
19:09I cannot bear to watch.
19:11Just as well.
19:13On the other hand,
19:14I cannot bear the suspense.
19:16Oh, General,
19:34what an honour.
19:35I have reserved
19:36our best table for you.
19:37Of course you have.
19:38Is the photographer
19:39ready to record us
19:40in joining ourselves?
19:41Monsieur Alphonse,
19:42c'est your service, sir.
19:44He has his camera
19:45and three-foot stand.
19:47I think it best
19:48you take a photograph
19:49at the appropriate moment.
19:52Helga,
19:52I will sit next to you.
19:54Captain Bert Raleigh,
19:55you will sit opposite.
20:00Remember to smile
20:02at the peasants
20:02to show how well
20:03we get on with it.
20:11Food and wine.
20:12Nothing special.
20:13We will eat
20:14what the peasants eat.
20:15We will drink
20:15what the peasants drink.
20:16Yes, General,
20:17we have a special dish
20:18typical of our region.
20:20Now.
20:22Ah, I love
20:23the French food.
20:24I smell the smell
20:25and my stomach
20:26it goes mad.
20:28Ah, schnails.
20:31Schnails have never
20:32been my favourite dish.
20:34The will enjoy them.
20:35They are very lightly cooked
20:37with garlic
20:38and white wine.
20:39some of them
20:47more lightly cooked
20:48than others.
20:50This one appears
20:52reluctant to be eaten.
20:54Perhaps he is feeling
20:55unwell
20:55and did not wish
20:56to upset your stomach.
20:58I will return it
20:59to the garden.
21:00I see the two
21:07waitresses,
21:08Herr Fleek.
21:09We will knock them
21:10dead in these clothes.
21:12I will fondle one
21:13on my knee
21:14and Helga
21:15will go mad
21:16with jealousy.
21:17Make me hot
21:17under the collar.
21:19We will take
21:20this table.
21:21Have you checked up
21:22on the manual, Herr Fleek?
21:24I have it here.
21:26Waitress?
21:27Waitress?
21:30What is your sis?
21:33If you require a drink,
21:35put your hand up
21:36and wait.
21:37I'm so sorry.
21:39Is Herr Fleek?
21:42Ignore him.
21:43Tell me,
21:44what is a dumpy girl
21:45like you
21:46doing in a nice place
21:47like this?
21:51Pardon?
21:52Why do you not
21:53come back to my place
21:54and I will show you
21:55a good time, baby?
21:58Get fresh with me, pal,
22:00and I'll slit your throat.
22:03Playing hard to get.
22:06Either my technique
22:07needs polishing
22:08or the author
22:09needs to be shot.
22:11Landlord,
22:12we are ready
22:13for the entertainment.
22:14Is the camera
22:15standing by?
22:15I am standing by, monsieur.
22:17Ladies and gentlemen,
22:20Madame Edith
22:21will sing for you
22:22in her own
22:23inimitable style.
22:25Nothing changes.
22:28I'm naughty
22:29but nice.
22:30If you wink at me twice,
22:31I shall know
22:32that you're
22:33my kind of chance.
22:34If you give me a nod,
22:36put your ear on your tongue,
22:38I'll come and sit
22:39on your lap.
22:40Nobody move.
22:43I'm naughty,
22:44it's true,
22:44but I bet
22:45so are you.
22:46Hands up,
22:47those who want
22:48to be kissed.
22:50If you don't try,
22:52you could very well die
22:53never knowing
22:54just what you had missed.
22:57I'm naughty,
22:58and if you stare at me,
23:00I shall have to pick you
23:02for a date.
23:03I can tell you're all keen,
23:06but I'm going to be mean.
23:09I'm afraid
23:11you will just
23:12have to wait.
23:21That was a
23:21squeak.
23:24The photograph
23:25will now be taken
23:25of us all enjoying
23:27this relentless attack
23:28on our eardrums.
23:29And I am ready,
23:31General.
23:32Captain Bertorelli,
23:33I must not be
23:34out-meddled
23:35in the picture.
23:39You,
23:40resume your singing,
23:41Bulls.
23:43We will pretend
23:44to gaze in rapture.
23:46Why would you like
23:47to pop a snail
23:48into your mouth
23:49to show how much
23:50you have enjoyed
23:51the meal, eh?
23:52No,
23:53but Gruber can.
23:56Enjoy it, Gruber.
24:05Enjoy it.
24:07Yes,
24:07but he keeps
24:08wiggling one of his
24:09little things at me.
24:12That just goes
24:13to show how popular
24:14you are.
24:15Shall we try
24:16the other way
24:17with Herr Flick?
24:18Yes.
24:19I think this time
24:20the more direct
24:21approach is required.
24:23Peasant women
24:23do not appreciate
24:24the subtle advance.
24:26Now,
24:29my fine filly,
24:31you look like
24:31a girl who
24:32entries a bit
24:33of a tickle
24:34and a slap.
24:35Ow!
24:38What is going on?
24:40It's Herr Flick.
24:41He's slept
24:41the Beatrice's bottom.
24:43You're making
24:43a bad impression.
24:45This is disgraceful.
24:46We cannot have
24:47Germans behaving
24:47in this way.
24:48Guards,
24:49throw the two
24:49perverts out.
24:52You cannot do this.
24:54We are the Gestapo.
24:56Molesting peasant girls
24:57is a pastime
24:58reserved only
24:59for generals.
25:00This is the last time
25:01I go out
25:01womanizing with you,
25:03von Smallhausen.
25:03I am sorry about this,
25:07General.
25:07I hope it hasn't
25:08ruined your evening.
25:10On the contrary,
25:11ejecting nasty
25:12Gestapo fellows
25:12has quite made my night.
25:14Now,
25:15hold those posies.
25:17We are ready
25:18for the photo.
25:20Smile.
25:20Oh, hi up.
25:23I'm running out
25:24of sincerity.
25:26I'll eat it.
25:26And...
25:27I have got it.
25:32This is a good one.
25:33I will develop it.
25:35Good.
25:36Cheers.
25:40My word,
25:40this is a really
25:41excellent vintage.
25:43Just a local wine
25:44from our cellar,
25:45General.
25:45Oh, show me.
25:47Come,
25:47let us go and see.
25:48It's a treasure trove.
25:49Ah, yes,
25:49of course.
25:50You must take
25:51a bottle of to warm
25:51with you.
25:52Come this way.
25:56Hey,
25:57now we got rid
25:58of von Klinkiehofen.
25:59What's to say
26:00we take another stroll
26:01in the moonlight?
26:03There's a timely place
26:04for everything.
26:06This is the time.
26:10What a mistake
26:11to make.
26:15Hmm, interesting.
26:16This is truly
26:18incredible.
26:20A 26 clout.
26:22A particularly
26:23good year.
26:24And two barrels
26:26of it.
26:26You do not want
26:27the old stuff,
26:28General.
26:29The wine you like
26:30is over here.
26:31Take it all.
26:32Oh, nonsense.
26:33This is far too good
26:34to be wasted
26:35in the peasant cafe.
26:37See to it
26:37till we take
26:38both barrels
26:38with us
26:38when we leave.
26:39Then we shall
26:40keep it
26:40for some special occasion.
26:42How about
26:42when the war is over?
26:44When you have won it,
26:45that is.
26:45Well done, René.
26:50You have put him
26:51in a good mood.
26:54René,
26:55we must warn the airmen.
26:57How can we?
26:57We do not speak English.
26:59And they do not
27:00speak French.
27:01Oh, René,
27:02what can we do?
27:03Oh, good.
27:12I think he's saying
27:13we're leaving.
27:15Cheerio!
27:16Cheerio!
27:19What do we do now?
27:21Ask Michelle
27:22for two more barrels
27:23so we can escape as well.
27:24clap for two more dramas.
27:26Thank you very much.
27:33Thank you very much.
27:34This became
27:35interesting.
27:37,
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