- 8 months ago
THANKS FOR WATCHING 😁
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
00:06Aerie Spears, Keenan-Michael Key, and Jordan Peele.
00:15Yes!
00:17Yeah!
00:19Yes!
00:21Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for coming out.
00:24We got a great show for y'all tonight.
00:25We got my man Ja Rule in the house, Bill Moore.
00:30It's going to be an incredible show.
00:31It's going to be off the hook.
00:32Fantastic.
00:33But first, before we get into that, we want to point out to all y'all something that we
00:36are very, very proud of.
00:38Yeah.
00:38All right, right now, you are watching three African-American men on TV at the same time.
00:47That's what I'm talking about.
00:49And just for the people at home, don't change your channel.
00:54You are not watching Cops.
00:56This is very official.
00:57It's true.
00:57So, yeah, and it's true, because I get tired of these, you know, these black stereotypes
01:01and they're portraying us negatively.
01:02You know, they're trying to make it look like we can't get along with each other.
01:05You know, that we're always, like, we want to fight, we want to steal stuff, we can't
01:08get an etch...
01:08Hey, uh, no offense, Keegan, but, uh, you're not really that black.
01:12Uh, uh, excuse me?
01:18Yeah, yeah, you're more of a high yellow, man.
01:21Wait, wait, wait, now, now, wait a minute, Café Olé.
01:23You look like you got one or two, one or two former slave owners in your family, your
01:27damn selves.
01:28Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
01:29Hey, I wasn't talking to you, Midnight.
01:31All right?
01:32Hey, in a minute, in a minute.
01:33All right, brother, you got more ash than Mount St. Helens, okay?
01:36Hold on.
01:37You need to, you need to calm down.
01:38Don't, don't touch me, okay?
01:39Hey, hey, hey, hey, Negroes.
01:40Negroes, Negroes, Negroes.
01:42Don't touch me, man.
01:43Watch, do it again, though.
01:44But do it again.
01:45But do it again.
01:46Okay, we have a 588 in progress.
01:48That's a black on black crime.
01:50Again.
01:51Okay, looks like we got a dark one down here.
01:53This could be trouble over.
01:54Come on, let's go.
01:55Hustle.
01:55Here we go.
01:56Here we go.
01:58Hey, man.
02:00Go.
02:01Hey.
02:06We got a runner.
02:06We got a runner.
02:08We got a runner.
02:14It's Mad TV.
02:17With Mike Miracles.
02:20You're so crazy.
02:22Frank Pelliendo.
02:23Crazy.
02:26Daniel Gaffer.
02:30Keegan Michael Key.
02:35Bobby Lane.
02:39You're so crazy.
02:40Michael McDonald.
02:42Crazy.
02:45Nicole Parker.
02:46Ron Peterson.
02:54Jordan Heal.
02:59Gary Spears.
03:04Paul Boe.
03:07Stephanie Weir.
03:09With special guest Bill Maher.
03:11And a musical performance by Ja Rule.
03:13Oh, what's up?
03:21It's your boy, Ashton Kitcher.
03:23Boom.
03:24Ashton in the house.
03:26Yo.
03:27What's up?
03:28The election.
03:29We lost.
03:30Face.
03:31None of the young voters voted.
03:33I know I didn't.
03:34Anyways.
03:35It's a time to heal.
03:36And what better way to heal than to punk the president.
03:41Punk, punk, punk.
03:42Okay, so to help me with this unbelievable punk, I got the one, the only, my homegirl,
03:48Laura B.
03:51Damn, the first lady is in the house.
03:54Woo.
03:55She's looking hot.
03:56How old are you?
03:57Uh, I'm 57 years old.
04:00Nice.
04:00So, Mrs. B, can you tell everyone how we're going to punk your husband?
04:06George and Dick Cheney think they have an interview scheduled with our good friend Bill O'Reilly over at Fox News.
04:13But we are cooking up a big surprise.
04:16Aha.
04:16Awesome.
04:17Boom.
04:18Yeah.
04:20Boom.
04:20Boom.
04:20Boom.
04:21Boom.
04:22Boom.
04:22Boom.
04:23Boom.
04:23Boom.
04:23Boom.
04:23Boom.
04:23Boom.
04:24Boom.
04:24Boom.
04:24Boom.
04:25Boom.
04:25Boom.
04:26Boom.
04:26Boom.
04:27Boom.
04:27Boom.
04:28Boom.
04:28Boom.
04:29Boom.
04:30America, you know?
04:32I love Fox News.
04:33Those are my people, my confidentialities.
04:36Now remember, keep it light.
04:39When in doubt, talk about your dog.
04:41No problemo, Dicko.
04:43Mrs. Beasley is great.
04:44Here he comes.
04:45Okay.
04:46Hey, uh, how you doing, Bill?
04:48Great to see you.
04:50Woo.
04:51Woo.
04:52Woo.
04:53Woo.
04:54Actually, Junior, since you got reelected, I'm sad to have been a porn star watching PAX.
04:58What's wrong, Bill?
04:59What's wrong, Bill?
05:00It's that liberal evildoer Bill Maher.
05:02Damn it.
05:03We've been ambushed.
05:05No dog, you've been punked.
05:07Punked.
05:08So, uh, Mr. President, sit.
05:11You know, a lot of people think you won this election by courting the religious right,
05:17the old moral values campaign, but when you say moral values, let's get real, what you're
05:21saying is you don't like to watch boys kissing.
05:23Oh, Bill, that is gross.
05:25Brody, if you will.
05:27I mean, uh, think about that.
05:29Boys kissing boys, that's just wrong.
05:31But girls kissing girls, I mean, think about getting that, uh, Jessica Alba, the dark angel,
05:37hooking her up with that who's the boss girl slash charmed lady, the, uh, Alyssa Milano.
05:44Imagine that smooch fest going on.
05:48I didn't know what kind of fest it was, but I did know that I liked it.
05:51I'd like a ringside ticket to that sucker.
05:53Kick some ass.
05:54Wow.
05:55I knew if I lived long enough, we'd agree on something.
05:58All right.
05:59Now, uh, you have called Iraq a catastrophic success, which I agree with except for the part
06:04about success.
06:05What do you say to people who say it's an absolute disaster?
06:09It's not a disaster.
06:11Well, not for you, Tubby.
06:12Halliburton's doing well.
06:14Go yourself.
06:17Nice.
06:18Really nice.
06:20How's that restoring honor and integrity thing going for you?
06:23And you, hey, retarded cowboy.
06:26What is your exit strategy?
06:29Bill, we have a great exit strategy.
06:32We have a strategized strategy that some of the greatest strategizers have strategized with myself.
06:40And we, uh, strategically.
06:42All right.
06:43Just talk about the dog.
06:44Talk about the dog.
06:45How do you justify sending troops to a country that, after all, never did attack us?
06:50Well, Bill, they, uh, they could have.
06:53Mm-hmm.
06:54But, uh, when they didn't, we, we realized that they, there was a chance that they could've,
06:58and, and they didn't, but we still thought they could've.
07:01It's, it's that simple.
07:02We don't think about it.
07:03This interview's over.
07:05And you, I'm gonna have the FBI all over you like a vibrator on Bill O'Reilly.
07:11Damn it.
07:12I shouldn't have said that out loud.
07:14Been there, done that.
07:16Come on!
07:17Oh, you've been punked, dawg!
07:20You've been punked!
07:21So punked, honey.
07:22When you punk, we punked you.
07:24Laura, are you in on this?
07:27Oh, yeah, honey.
07:28Ashton told me that if I got you on punk, that he'd introduce me to Wilder Valderrama.
07:32The 70s guy!
07:33Yeah.
07:34That's cool.
07:35That's cool.
07:36Yo, listen, I gotta tell you for real, though, Dubs, okay, I'm a Democrat, and all my friends
07:40are Democrats, and me, and P. Diddy, and Madonna, and all the other celebrities in Hollywood,
07:44we've been campaigning madly against you, dawg.
07:47Yeah.
07:48And that's exactly why they won.
07:51Who got punked out, biatches?
07:53Oh!
08:02This is Bill O'Reilly having a conversation with someone.
08:04You can make a point.
08:05Uh, no.
08:06It's just that I...
08:07No, don't think so.
08:08No, you're done.
08:09No, I...
08:10No, but no, no, no, you're done.
08:11I just want fries with my drink.
08:12Nope.
08:14This year's Tiny Little Miss Petite Princess.
08:17Are you black?
08:18Yes, I am.
08:19Does it hurt?
08:20No, it doesn't hurt.
08:21Can I hurt your hair?
08:22Please welcome the host of Real Time with Bill Ma, Bill Ma.
08:27Cause they don't possess the heart that I knew, it's a wonder that I'm still here.
08:31Ah!
08:37Oh, Toto.
08:38I do miss Kansas.
08:40But not the extreme weather.
08:42And it is ever so pleasant here in Florida.
08:45Just as soon as we finish unpacking,
08:48I'll put on my thong and we'll spend all the rest of the day on the beach.
08:52We interrupt Texas Justice starring Judge Larry Joe and Daugherty
08:55to bring his emergency bulletins on the National Weather Service.
08:58Hurricane Ernestine is hitting South Florida with winds up to 700 miles per hour.
09:03Oh, no, Toto.
09:04And I was just starting to feel safe again.
09:08Oh, hi!
09:09Oh!
09:10Oh, Toto!
09:11Toto!
09:12Oh!
09:13Oh, Toto!
09:14Oh!
09:15Oh!
09:16Oh!
09:17Oh!
09:18Oh!
09:19Oh!
09:20Oh!
09:21Oh!
09:22Oh!
09:23Oh!
09:24Oh!
09:25Oh!
09:26Oh!
09:27Oh!
09:28Oh!
09:29Oh, Toto!
09:30Look!
09:31It's Jim Bush!
09:32Governor Bush!
09:33Help us!
09:34Help us!
09:35Help us, please!
09:36I can't!
09:37I'm drunk!
09:38I've been partying since the election!
09:40In 2000!
09:41Ah!
09:42Ah!
09:43Ah!
09:44Ah!
09:45Ah!
09:46Ah!
09:47Ah!
09:48Ah!
09:49Ah!
09:50Ah!
09:51Ah!
09:52Ah!
09:53Ah!
09:54Ah!
09:55Ah!
09:56Ah!
09:57Ah!
09:58Ah!
09:59I don't think we're in Tampa anymore!
10:17Oh, my!
10:22You took him out!
10:23It's Dorothy, everybody!
10:25Dorothy's return!
10:26Bring out the Lollipop Guild!
10:31Where's the Lollipop Guild?
10:36Oh!
10:37Oh!
10:38Oh!
10:39Oh!
10:40Oh!
10:41Oh!
10:42This is terrible!
10:43Just terrible!
10:44Jeepers, Dorothy!
10:46What are we gonna do without the Lollipop Guild?
10:49Without them, our economy's gonna go right in the toilet!
10:52Well, I never meant to hurt anybody!
10:56Oh!
10:57It was an accident!
10:59Besides, Glinda the Good Witch will float us alone till we get back on our feet!
11:03Now, in order to get home, just follow the Lollipop Road!
11:07Oh, no!
11:08I'm not going through that crap again!
11:10I'll just get my heels!
11:13There's no place like home!
11:15There's no place like home!
11:17There's no place like home!
11:19There's no place like home!
11:21Oh...
11:25Toto!
11:26What a strange dream!
11:31We are up Divorce Court with Judge Maybellina упri preconceived with Judge,
11:36the weather service. Just 20 minutes
11:38after Hurricane Ernestine destroyed most
11:40of Florida, Hurricane Wendell
11:42is bearing down on Tampa with gusts
11:44of wind up to 1,200 miles
11:46per hour.
11:47Oh, Toto, I'm a
11:50hurricane magnet.
12:01Oh, Toto, look.
12:03It's the Miami Heat's new center,
12:05Shaquille O'Neal.
12:06I should have stayed in L.A. with the earthquakes.
12:10I hate you, Kobe.
12:13Come back!
12:15Oh!
12:18Oh, Toto,
12:20I hope we're all over the rainbow
12:21again.
12:26Hello, Mayor.
12:27You look upset.
12:29Is everyone all right?
12:31No, everyone's not all right.
12:34Glenda's dead.
12:34Oh, my!
12:37How did it happen?
12:39How do you think it happened?
12:40You landed on her, you crazy bitch.
12:44Oh, my!
12:45Oh, my!
12:46Oh, my!
12:46Oh, my!
12:47There's no place like home.
12:48There's no place like home.
12:48That's it.
12:48Run away.
12:49Run away like all women do.
12:51There's no place like home.
12:51There's no place like home.
12:51Put your blood red shoes and run away from your responsibility.
12:54You're not going to believe this, folks.
13:06Come out here, Dorothy.
13:08Come out and take a look at what you did.
13:10There's no place like home.
13:12There's no place like home.
13:13Oh, no, you don't.
13:14Bust it down, boys.
13:15You keep her legs apart so she can't put her heels together.
13:18Come out here, Dorothy, and take a look at what you did with your flying murder machine.
13:24Hey!
13:25Oh!
13:25Oh!
13:26Oh!
13:27Hello, Dorothy.
13:31Scarecrow, the lion, and me, we all came to be pallbearers at Glinda's funeral.
13:35Then your house crushed all of us and her casket.
13:38You flattened Glinda twice.
13:40Oh!
13:41Oh, no!
13:42What to do?
13:44I know.
13:45I'll go to the wizard.
13:46He'll help you.
13:47I don't think so.
13:49He was the fourth pallbearer.
13:52Oh!
13:53Anyway, Dorothy, now I know I have a heart.
13:57Because it's hemorrhaging.
13:58Sweet.
14:00Oh!
14:00Oh!
14:02Oh!
14:02Oh!
14:02Oh!
14:02Oh!
14:03Oh!
14:03Oh!
14:03Oh!
14:03Oh!
14:04Oh!
14:04Oh!
14:04Oh!
14:04Oh!
14:04Oh!
14:05Oh!
14:05Oh!
14:05Oh!
14:05Oh!
14:06Oh!
14:06Oh!
14:06Oh!
14:07Oh!
14:07Oh!
14:08Oh!
14:09Oh!
14:09Oh!
14:10Oh!
14:10Oh!
14:11Oh!
14:11Oh!
14:12Oh!
14:13Oh!
14:13Oh!
14:14I've got an idea.
14:15I'm going to have my house retrofitted and bolted to its foundation so my house always stays
14:20in my own backyard.
14:22That way I'll never, ever kill a loved one again.
14:25Come on, Toto, let's go.
14:35Oh!
14:36Oh!
14:37Oh!
14:44We're going to nibble cheese slices into the shapes of states.
14:48That's impossible.
14:50Wyoming.
14:52Well, the judges have begun
15:00the difficult elimination round
15:02and we are getting closer to choosing
15:04this year's tiny little Miss Petite
15:06Princess.
15:10Well, now the judges
15:11have narrowed it down to two
15:14finalists.
15:22And
15:22one wild card.
15:33And the adoring parents look on with
15:36great anticipation because the girl who gets
15:38crowned, tiny little Miss Petite
15:40Princess, will win $50
15:42and a six week stay
15:44to Lee Ricketts Beauty Camp
15:46and Hand Laundry Service.
15:49Six weeks? I thought it was
15:50only six days. This is six
15:52weeks. You're away from home for six weeks.
15:54Go! Go!
15:57And on
15:58to the interview round.
16:00So let's start the questions.
16:02How come a parrot can talk
16:04and a chicken can't? I don't know, dear.
16:06Are you black? Yes, I am.
16:07Does it hurt? No, it doesn't hurt.
16:09Can I hurt your hair? I'd really rather you not, dear.
16:12What's wrong with that guy in the Six Flags commercial? Is he sick?
16:15I don't know.
16:18Now, Dot, Dot, you don't ask the questions.
16:20The judges do.
16:21Hey, judges,
16:23how many swear words are there?
16:24I just counted
16:26four in my mind.
16:31Ooh, five.
16:34Hey, hey, hey, hey, whoa, one second.
16:35There were six of them.
16:36I forgot that one.
16:37Okay.
16:38Okay, judges,
16:39ask away.
16:40Little angels,
16:41girls today can grow up
16:43to become whatever they want.
16:45Amberlynn,
16:45when you grow up,
16:47do you want to be a cheerleader
16:48or a wife?
16:51Both.
16:52Because I would be cheering
16:53on my husband.
16:55Oh, Dot.
16:56That's sweet.
16:57Look at that.
16:58When I grow up,
17:00I want to marry the Hamburglar.
17:03And then I'm going to say,
17:05how can we can't be more like Ronald?
17:07Get a real job and quit stealing.
17:10But I think I can change him
17:12because I love him.
17:15If you don't behave,
17:23I'm going to trade you in
17:24for a Chinese baby.
17:27Chivette, honey,
17:29if you could meet anyone in the world,
17:31who would it be?
17:33I would like to meet my daddy.
17:36Oh.
17:37Oh.
17:39I would like to meet
17:41those talking M&M's.
17:44It is.
17:45And then when they're sleeping,
17:47I would take a bite
17:48out of their backs.
17:50And they wouldn't know
17:51it was me.
17:52They couldn't tell
17:53because they can't see
17:54in the back of...
17:55Dot, honey?
18:01Dot.
18:02Do it again.
18:07Dot, now what has been
18:11your favorite part
18:12of this competition?
18:20How come everybody's looking at me?
18:24Um, I know, um...
18:25Um, my dad cries
18:31at the OnStar commercials.
18:36Remember when the lady
18:38had locked her baby in the car
18:40and my dad...
18:41It's okay, remember?
18:46And she had panic in her voice
18:48and then the guy said,
18:50Lady, I opened your car door.
18:53And she said,
18:55Oh, thank gosh, my baby.
18:58My baby.
19:02See?
19:03All right.
19:04I think I've heard enough.
19:06I think I know
19:07who I'm voting for.
19:08Um, would you mind
19:10showing me, Chevette,
19:11the last part
19:12of your talent competition, please?
19:14Won't you come home, Bill Bailey?
19:16Won't you come on home?
19:35Is she sick?
19:37Does she need some medicine?
19:40Amberlynn, can we see your talent competition, please?
19:45Oh.
19:46Look at that.
19:47That's adorable.
19:48I think we know.
19:49I think we know who the winner is.
19:51I think we'd have our winner.
19:52Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
19:53One moment, judges.
19:54One moment.
19:54We have one talent performance left.
19:57Dot, what will you be doing?
19:58I'm going to twirl fire batons.
20:02I'm going to dip it in gasoline, and then I'm going to twirl them.
20:06Oh.
20:07No, you're not.
20:07No, you're not.
20:08No, you're not.
20:09No.
20:09I'm going to do it.
20:10No, no, no.
20:11I'm going to put it.
20:11Let me.
20:12I can do it.
20:15I know I can't.
20:16You're going to do what you rehearsed.
20:17You are going to nibble cheese slices into the shapes of states.
20:22That's impossible.
20:24I've already written down the three letters of Amberlynn's name.
20:26I'll be hard-pressed to refashion them.
20:30Go.
20:34Wyoming.
20:35Whoa.
20:35Colorado.
20:39Colorado.
20:39Oh, that's excellent.
20:42New Mexico.
20:44Oh.
20:44Oh, that's excellent.
20:46Big deal.
20:48She's only doing the square states.
20:51Oh, yeah?
20:53Get ready for this.
20:55Because this isn't a state.
20:56This is a holy spirit.
20:58Oh, it's Jesus.
21:08No.
21:09It's Jesus.
21:10Oh.
21:11Oh, yeah.
21:11Oh, yeah.
21:14Yeah, no, no.
21:15Oh, my God.
21:16Oh, my God.
21:16Unbelievable.
21:17Oh, my God.
21:18Oh, my God.
21:19Oh, my God.
21:20Here she is, tiny little Miss Petite Angel Princess.
21:25What is it?
21:25Who knows Missy Rose is still bit cute and light.
21:30But for now, she's tiny little Miss Petite Angel Princess.
21:35And that's all right.
21:40OK.
21:41I'm going to miss you.
21:42Goodbye.
21:43I'll miss you.
21:44And I will think about it.
21:45Don't move while I'm done.
21:50Tim, our party is so dull.
21:55No one's drinking.
21:56No one's dancing.
21:58Tina, how do we get this party started?
22:01Hey, party powders.
22:03Here's a sure fire fun starter.
22:05A little touch of Nora.
22:07Nora Jones, that is.
22:09Nora Jones?
22:10Of course.
22:12Put this sassy gal on your hi-fi and buckle your lap belts,
22:15because Nora's got it going on.
22:18Thanks.
22:20We don't just stand here.
22:23Put on the CD, fool.
22:25Nothing says party like Nora Jones.
22:29Yeah!
22:30You!
22:30Went out for a walk today.
22:32Don't remember your way.
22:34Now I'm back and I must stay.
22:38Went out for a walk today.
22:40Don't remember your way.
22:42Now I'm back and I must stay.
22:44Went out for a walk today.
22:46Went out for a walk today.
22:59Nora's got it going on.
23:01Went out for a walk today.
23:03I've been to party and I must stay there.
23:04I was all,buddy.
23:06Awesome.
23:07выгляд
23:16최고 최고 최고 최고 최고 최고 최고 최고 최고 최고 최고 최고 최고 최고 최고 최고 최고.
23:24What do you say now, party animals?
23:40Thanks, Nora Jones.
23:42I've never had more fun.
23:44Thanks, Nora Jones.
23:45I've always wanted to have sex with Mrs. Nussbaum.
23:52Monotonous.
23:52The new Nora Jones party album, available at Tower Records now.
24:05Get your freak on with a little Snora.
24:10That was spectacular.
24:13Fantastic.
24:15I am definitely going to hell for that.
24:17That's my grandmother.
24:19That's your grandmother?
24:19Sorry, Paul.
24:20If something happens, you're my grandfather.
24:22You're going to hold me?
24:24So, real time with Bill Maher.
24:26I understand that's a panel discussion show.
24:28Kind of like this one.
24:30Actually, it's nothing like this one.
24:36I'm Dollar Bill Montgomery, and welcome to the only talk show where we discuss real issues in a real way.
24:42Welcome to Real Talk.
24:44Tonight is our Thanksgiving special.
24:46Tonight is our Thanksgiving special.
24:47My first guest is a tenured professor at the University of Keeping It Real.
24:51My man, run Ph.D.
24:53What's happening, V?
24:55Yeah, you know me, man.
24:57Just teaching the door to door, man.
24:59You know, that's what I do.
25:00Yeah, speaking of which, I saw you coming through my cousin Sharonda's door last night.
25:04Yeah, yeah, yeah.
25:05She don't need no homeschooling.
25:08Well, that's not what she was saying last night when she was backing that ass up.
25:13Hey, watch your mouth.
25:15This is my Thanksgiving special.
25:17Your families are watching.
25:19I apologize to you, my **** at home.
25:23Now, my next guest is also my next-door neighbor.
25:26My cabbage-cooking, stereo-cranking, nude-sunbathing dog crapping in my yard next-door neighbor.
25:32Larvelle Dupree.
25:36Yo, man.
25:37Yo, I don't got a dog, man.
25:40No dog?
25:41Then who crapped in my yard?
25:45Oh, and stay the hell out of my yard, man.
25:49Is it me, or does that **** look like Curious George?
25:53Now, my last guest was supposed to be my baby's mama's cousin's brother-in-law, Marijuana Jones.
25:59Unfortunately, he was unavailable due to being in jail, so we booked Goldilocks over here.
26:04Please welcome the host of Real Time with Bill Maher, Bill Maher.
26:11So, Real Time with Bill Maher, I understand that's a panel discussion show.
26:15Kind of like this one.
26:16Actually, it's nothing like this one.
26:20For one thing, I don't have to step over a family of winos to get into my studio.
26:23Yeah, I told my Uncle Willie to stop sleeping in the hallway.
26:27Second of all, it's on a channel that people actually watch.
26:31It's called HBO.
26:32Man, no black people don't got cable, man.
26:34What's wrong with you talking about HBO?
26:35Hey, man, speak for yourself, you antenna-usin' ****.
26:41I'm a black man with cable.
26:43And I'm a black man with cable, too, all right?
26:46I steal it from my next-door neighbor.
26:48Who happens to be too cheap to invest in some HBO.
26:51We need to talk about that, DB.
26:53All right?
26:53We missing some good crap, man.
26:55Yeah, speaking of crap, stay the **** out of my yard.
27:01You colored fellas amuse me.
27:03The way you're able to use the word **** is a verb and an adjective and a pronoun.
27:09No, no, no.
27:10You see, Bill, we're just economical, man.
27:11We use one word for everything.
27:12Now, let's move on to our main topic, Thanksgiving.
27:17Ron, PhD, you're an educated man, so educate us.
27:20Tell us the story of the first Thanksgiving.
27:22Well, I'd be happy to, DB.
27:24See, there was some hat-wearing ****, right?
27:28And they got together with these feather-wearing ****.
27:33And somewhere between the hats and the feathers,
27:35these **** had some dinner, a picnic or something, maybe.
27:39That's basically the story of Thanksgiving, man.
27:40Man, that is the deepest tale I have ever heard.
27:45Well, you left a few things out there, professor.
27:49The hat-wearing ****ers were actually pilgrims
27:53who came to America for religious freedom,
27:56which they exercised by, as you so poetically put it,
27:59killing the feather-wearing ****ers.
28:01Well, at the first Thanksgiving,
28:03the Indians presented the pilgrims with a feast.
28:04And in return, the pilgrims presented the Indians
28:07with smallpox and alcoholism.
28:09And that is the story of Thanksgiving.
28:13Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
28:14Hold up, blue-eyed devil.
28:17You ain't gonna be making fun of my forefathers, all right?
28:21You got forefathers?
28:24Next topic.
28:28What do we all have to be thankful for this Thanksgiving?
28:30Crack it with the cable show.
28:31Well, actually, we have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
28:37The entire world loves America now.
28:40Osama bin Laden's dead.
28:42All our troops are home from Iraq.
28:44All my gay friends are married.
28:45Everybody's got a good-paying job.
28:47Social Security is secure.
28:49Huh?
28:50Oh, wait.
28:51Oh, I'm sorry.
28:52I must be channeling someone who's high.
28:54That's right.
28:56Bush is still president.
28:57America's f***ed.
29:03Oh, I get it.
29:04See, in my world of macadamia,
29:06you're being what we call ironic.
29:09Wait a second, y'all.
29:10I'm confused.
29:11Didn't he just say we brought all our troops back from ironic?
29:17Black or white,
29:18you are the dumbest s***er I have ever met.
29:22I'd have to agree,
29:23and I've met Bush.
29:25That's our Thanksgiving show.
29:26Join us next month for Kwanzaa.
29:29You know Kwanzaa Johnson?
29:30Oh, man.
29:31Let me tell you,
29:32if this woman had teeth,
29:33I'd hope she'd be battered and I'm f***ing.
29:36Oh, my goodness.
29:37Yeah.
29:38You know what?
29:38You stay f***ed out of my yard, too.
29:48I'm gonna get a little change,
29:50girl, I'm gonna get your car.
29:51Closest to the heart,
29:52you still live in the forest.
29:54New business, new portions,
29:55new cases, new lawyers.
29:56I'm becoming the infamous,
29:58notorious rule.
30:07It is the George Foreman Home for the Holidays
30:10Thanksgiving infomercial.
30:11I'm Jim Rohn,
30:19the pimp in the box,
30:20and this Thanksgiving is going to be epic.
30:25Now, here is the former king of the squared circle,
30:28the guru of the grill,
30:31George Foreman.
30:31Are y'all hungry?
30:42Then Big George gonna make a Thanksgiving feast just for you.
30:46But first, I want you to meet my kids.
30:49Here's my son, George Foreman.
30:51Here's another son, George Foreman.
31:03Here's a son I just found out I had in Hong Kong
31:06named Lin Yee Tang,
31:07but now his name is George Foreman.
31:16And last but not least is my baby girl,
31:19George Foreman.
31:20Gee, Dad, it's great having all these people
31:30in our home for Thanksgiving.
31:32Sure is.
31:33Our house is your house.
31:36Wait a second.
31:37This isn't our house.
31:40It's a TV studio.
31:43Oh, Tang.
31:45Are y'all still hungry?
31:55Then it's time to get to cooking, right, Romy?
31:58You are not just running smack, Chrome Dome.
32:01We're going to use the George Foreman Gobbler Grill
32:04and Thanksgiving Dinner Kit.
32:06It is phenomenal.
32:08You get the world-famous George Foreman Grill.
32:12This little bowl.
32:13A spoon.
32:15A meat thermometer.
32:16Indian corn.
32:18And cranberry in a can.
32:20All this for $49.99.
32:24Now that's a bargain.
32:26It sure is.
32:27No, it's not.
32:30In Hong Kong, for the same price,
32:33you get ten of these,
32:34plus a bamboo steamer.
32:37Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
32:42All right.
32:43Time to get that turkey
32:45with the George Foreman turkey blunder blunder bust.
32:49What is that, Black Buddha?
32:51That's a big-ass gun.
32:56Nice.
32:58Oh, look.
32:59There's a turkey now.
33:04That turkey's so fresh,
33:06it still has poop on its feet.
33:08Call me a skeptic, George.
33:13Okay, spectic George.
33:19Getting that bird done will take hours.
33:22We're not going to eat this bird, Roman.
33:24We're going to eat the bird that I hit with my car this morning.
33:26The clones are grumbling.
33:34Time to pop that pigeon in the oven.
33:36Why use an oven when you can use
33:37the world-famous George Foreman grill?
33:42Everybody wash your hands.
33:43Dinner will be ready shortly.
33:44I don't mean to get in your grill, George,
33:53but my snack box thinks my throat's been cut.
33:55It's been three hours.
33:56When do we eat?
33:57We eat when it's ready, Roman.
34:00But don't fret.
34:01It's coming along nicely.
34:02Well, look, everybody.
34:29Turkey dinner is ready just in time for Christmas.
34:32You know, champ,
34:39even though I haven't eaten in a month,
34:41I cannot put that in my pie hole.
34:43That turkey is not cooked.
34:45Well, sure it is, Roman.
34:47Everybody knows turkey dinner tastes better cooked rare.
34:52No, it doesn't.
34:53Yes, it does.
34:54Now, eat it.
34:56Eat it.
34:56Eat it.
35:02Merry Christmas, Dad.
35:12And a happy new year.
35:14Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
35:25All right.
35:25Let's see.
35:26Hello, hello, hello, hello, three black curlies.
35:34Am I a part of you guys?
35:36Yeah, I did.
35:41Ladies and gentlemen, back with us for a third time doing it real big,
35:44performing his hit song, wonderful, off his entitled album R.U.L.E.
35:48Please give it up for my man, Ja Rule.
35:56Come on!
35:59Woo!
36:00Uh, uh.
36:02I'd like to welcome all y'all tonight to the World Fitness for the A-show.
36:09I'm the star of the show tonight.
36:12I go by the name of R.U.L.E.
36:15Let me holler at y'all for a minute.
36:17Rule will keep you fly with no dough.
36:20Pipping ain't easy, trust me, I know.
36:22Gangsters in.
36:24Go, go, go, go, go, go.
36:25together like to chill in bad weather i'm good but being better on my road and cheddar glamour
36:31stinks tops a few cars and pray with the east and the west cause this is how i'm living and
36:35young women know the secrets on how to get in and keep it how to pray and i wait it's the power of
36:40the ss why i got a lot of women wondering it ain't just i gotta keep the cash coming and that's on
36:46our life if it wasn't for the money and the things i got she probably wouldn't like me but i'm keeping
36:53urban jeffrey quite icy sip seraphim who doesn't like me and the murderous i can't sing come on
37:05you know what i wonder i wonder too would you still want me would you call me would you call me
37:15would you love me would you love me i wonder why it's about money and why you want to take it all
37:24from me honey my life is dark but it's lovely primes cars cribs ain't that right kelly
37:32what y'all women don't know money ain't a thing mommy need a little change girl i'm pinching quarters closest to the heart you still live in the fortune
37:41new business new portions new cases new lawyers i'm becoming the infamous notorious rule
37:47people couldn't walk a mile in my shoes cause they don't possess the heart that i do
37:52it's a wonder that i'm still here
37:54i thought i was gone but i'm still here
37:57ain't no human being dead left me here
38:00this might have put it on you right now yeah
38:03come on c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon
38:08you don't
38:08i wonder
38:12we're having a good time
38:14mad tv
38:17mad love
38:20the room is in the building
38:33oh
38:36yeah come on
38:40yeah
38:43thanks y'all peace and love
38:52Come on, come on, come on, come on, y'all, man.
39:10Yeah, it's Mad TV, that's what it is.
39:14How you all live?
39:15Oh.
39:22Went out for a walk today Don't remember which old way
39:34Now I'm back and I must say Went out for a walk today
39:45I'll try to hide Your Lord
40:01I'll try to hide Your Lord
40:07La la la la la la la
40:12La la la la la la la la la la
40:17Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
40:23La la la la la la la
40:28Toto, I'm a hurricane
Be the first to comment