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00:00Tonight, an E.T. exclusive, we're on the set of the NBC smash hit Providence.
00:11Before a show like Providence ever makes it to the air, they film a first episode called
00:14a pilot.
00:15Is that right?
00:16A pilot?
00:17Fascinating.
00:18Here's a rare clip from the original NBC pilot, where the premise of the show is gracefully
00:25established.
00:33One lump or two.
00:34Mother, you startled me.
00:36I should.
00:37I'm a ghost.
00:38No, you're not a ghost.
00:40You're a figment of my imagination who appears in my dreams to give me insight and guidance.
00:45That's because you gave up your glitzy plastic surgery practice to move to Providence, Rhode
00:48Island to start life anew.
00:49It is not easy trying to reconnect with your emotionally distant veterinarian father, bad
00:53boy brother, and single mom sister.
00:55Not to mention you're working in a low-income medical clinic and you're looking for love
00:59in all the wrong places.
01:00Is that it?
01:01I think so.
01:02Here's a little known fact.
01:07Before Providence landed on NBC, all of the other major networks made their own versions
01:12of the show.
01:13Let's take a look at some of the pilots that never made it to the television screens at
01:17One lump or two.
01:18Damn, Mama.
01:19I scared you good, didn't I?
01:20Because you're whiter than your daddy.
01:21Well, you shouldn't spook me.
01:22Who are you calling a spook?
01:23Oh, Mama, don't be like that.
01:24Oh, girl, lighten up.
01:25Don't take everything so seriously.
01:26Oh, listen here, Mama.
01:27I came back to the projects to help.
01:28Well, then you can help yourself to something else.
01:29I'm not going to help you.
01:30I'm not going to help you.
01:31I'm not going to help you.
01:32I'm not going to help you.
01:33I'm not going to help you.
01:34I'm not going to help you.
01:35I'm not going to help you.
01:36I'm not going to help you.
01:37I'm not going to help you.
01:38I'm not going to help you.
01:39I'm not going to help you.
01:40I'm not going to help you.
01:41I'm not going to help you.
01:42I'm not going to help you.
01:43I'm not going to help you.
01:44I'm not going to help you.
01:45I'm not going to help you.
01:46I'm not going to help you.
01:47I'm not going to help you.
01:48I'm not going to help you.
01:49I'm not going to help you.
01:50I'm not going to help you.
01:51I'm not going to help you.
01:52I'm not going to help you.
01:53I'm not going to help you.
01:54I'm not going to help you.
01:55I'm not going to help you.
01:56I'm not going to help you.
01:57I'm not going to help you.
01:58I'm not going to help you.
01:59I'm not going to help you.
02:00I'm not going to help you.
02:01I'm not going to help you.
02:02I'm not going to help you.
02:03I'm not going to help you.
02:04I'm not going to help you.
02:05I'm not going to help you.
02:06I'm not going to help you.
02:07I'm not going to help you.
02:08I'm not going to help you.
02:09I'm not going to help you.
02:10I'm not going to help you.
02:11I'm not going to help you.
02:12I'm not going to help you.
02:13I'm not going to help you.
02:14I'm not going to help you.
02:15I'm not going to help you.
02:16I'm not going to help you.
02:17I'm not going to help you.
02:18I'm not going to help you.
02:19I'm not going to help you.
02:20I'm not going to help you.
02:21I'm not going to help you.
02:22I'm not going to help you.
02:24I filled all my cavities.
02:25If you know what I mean.
02:26I know how much you like naughty things in your mouth.
02:46One lump for two.
02:47And freeze.
02:48And you're good.
02:50Welcome back to Improvidence.
02:52The show where every week our scripts are completely improvised.
02:57It's fun.
02:58It's going to be fun.
02:59Wow.
03:00This is fun.
03:02Okay.
03:03All right.
03:04Let's see here.
03:05For the rest of this scene, we're going to replace the mom with Wayne Brady.
03:07So, how did you go?
03:08In comes the very, very talented Wayne Brady.
03:12And also for the rest of this scene, let's do it just for kicks.
03:16We're going to do it as a western song.
03:17That's fun.
03:20And go.
03:22Nose jobs and chins was the work I was in.
03:25Until I came to Rhode Island to crash.
03:28I'm the ghost of her mom and I'm really the bomb.
03:31And her dad will say BJ on mass.
03:35Oh, home Providence.
03:37Where everything sweetly makes sense.
03:40But I'm so glad I'm stayed.
03:42Though I never get laid.
03:44Maybe next year you'll get my pants.
03:53Oh.
03:55Oh, God.
03:56Selena, what's wrong?
03:58Oh, God.
03:59It was horrible.
04:00It was horrible.
04:01I had this dream that E.T. was doing this story on Providence.
04:03And that it was on all these other networks.
04:05And I had to sing with Wayne Brady.
04:07Oh, Wayne Brady.
04:08That is horrible.
04:09Oh, thank God.
04:11Thank God Providence is on NBC, huh?
04:14NBC?
04:15We're on Fox.
04:16Now put on your bikini, ice your nipples and start bouncing.
04:19Girls, come here.
04:23Yeah.
04:28It's MADtv.
04:31Starring.
04:32Alex Burstein.
04:36Frank Caliendo.
04:40Mo Collin.
04:45Andrew Daly.
04:48Malcolm McFarlane.
04:54Will Sasso.
04:58Aerie Spears.
05:02Stephanie Weir.
05:06Deborah Wilson.
05:09Featuring Katherine Fiore.
05:11Taryn Killam.
05:13And Bobby Lee.
05:25Steve.
05:26I'm happy we finally did this.
05:28You know, it seems like we never really hang out outside of work.
05:30Yeah, Lenny, it's good to hang out with you.
05:32Blow off a little steam, you know?
05:33This is good.
05:34You know who I can't stand over at the job?
05:36Who?
05:37Well, that girl at the job.
05:39Jeez, I got chicken wing sauce all over my shirt.
05:41Oh, bummer.
05:42How would you get this out, man?
05:44I'd probably put some club soda on it.
05:46Club soda mixed with some herbs or something?
05:50Oh, no, where'd you hear that from?
05:51I don't know, I don't know.
05:52I'm just trying to... I just want to get it right,
05:53because this is silk.
05:54It's a brand-new shirt.
05:55So, like, club soda with, you know what?
05:57Like, ancient minerals, or...
06:02Rub bamboo on it, or...
06:05Like, egg noodles?
06:06Like, use egg noodles, or...
06:08No, well, to tell you the truth, Lenny, um...
06:10You want to give your grandfather a call, see if he remembers?
06:12Um, he wouldn't know my grandfather's an orthodontist.
06:14Oh, really?
06:15Yeah.
06:16Well, he did a great job.
06:17What do you mean?
06:18Your crazy overbite.
06:19He did a really good job.
06:20I don't have an overbite.
06:21I know, that's what I'm saying.
06:22He did a really good job.
06:23Okay, listen to me now, Lenny, all right?
06:24Hey, that reminds me.
06:25You know what?
06:26I got this nephew.
06:27This is the craziest thing in the world.
06:28Check this out.
06:29Kid can't say his L words, all right?
06:30You know what I'm saying?
06:31What?
06:32No, I mean it.
06:33Every time I see him, he comes up to me,
06:34he's like, I rob you, Uncle Renny,
06:35and I'm like, damn, I gotta talk to Steve.
06:38Okay, hold on a second, dude, all right?
06:40It's okay, it's okay.
06:41Hey, buddy.
06:42Don't worry, they can only use their killing skills
06:44in self-defense, right?
06:47It's okay.
06:49Guy's lucky he's not walking out of here
06:50with a forehead full of throwing stars, huh, Steve?
06:52Okay, I need to say something to you now, Lenny.
06:54Right now.
06:55A Confucius proverb?
06:56No.
06:57Want to tell me my fortune?
06:58No, do me a favor and just...
06:59Want me to take your picture or something?
07:00No, will you shut your mouth for one damn second,
07:01you racist idiot!
07:02Whoa, hey.
07:03Geez, racist idiot, what?
07:04I'm sorry, what?
07:05I mean, listen to yourself, Lenny.
07:06You're all about stereotypes, you know?
07:08Not all Asians are into photography, all right?
07:10We don't all have speech impediments.
07:12In fact, I've never seen an Asian guy with buck teeth.
07:15All right?
07:16We're not all bad drivers, we're good at math,
07:18and my girlfriend's vagina does not run horizontally, okay?
07:24That's disgusting.
07:25I'm sorry, all right?
07:26Sometimes I'm a big goof, all right?
07:27Now, I'll tell you what else.
07:28We aren't all laundry experts
07:30with ancient stain removal recipes.
07:33But some of us are.
07:36Now, if you want to get a stain out of silk,
07:38first you have to get a woman to walk on it with bound feet.
07:41Okay.
07:42Next, you take a teaspoon of...
07:44Oh, God.
07:45Oh, God.
07:46Oh, God.
07:47What's the difference between...
08:03Hi, I'm Lynn Koplitz, and welcome to Change of Heart.
08:06Let's meet tonight's guests.
08:08He's addicted to crack.
08:10She's addicted to heroin.
08:12And they're both addicted to love.
08:15Please welcome Walter and Amber to the show.
08:18All right.
08:24Hi.
08:25Girls, come on over here.
08:27Sit down.
08:28Hi.
08:29See, what else is up here?
08:31So, what made you guys consider a change of heart?
08:34I've been married to her for about 27 or 11 years.
08:38And I'm getting tired of the whole mess.
08:41She ain't got no job.
08:43She can't sell her blood.
08:45She don't bring nothing to the table.
08:48I need a woman with some tability.
08:52So, Walter says he needs some tability.
08:55But Amber claims that she needs intimacy.
08:59So...
09:00Okay, listen.
09:01Okay, listen, listen.
09:02Because I need some man with the stamina
09:05to get me through the night, okay?
09:07I know that I'm looking good.
09:18Okay.
09:20Why don't we meet Walter and Amber's dates?
09:23Please welcome to the show Valerie and David.
09:26Move down.
09:27That's it.
09:32What's up there, young boy?
09:34Hi.
09:35Okay, so welcome to the show.
09:37So, Walter, what did you think of Valerie?
09:40Let me tell you, this girl hot.
09:42Her hair look like a bag of Cheetos.
09:47Her breasts look like them meatballs I had the other night.
09:50She look like a walking male.
09:52I get horny and hungry all at the same time.
09:56And let me tell you, girl, you got the biggest eyeballs I've ever seen.
10:02Okay.
10:03Valerie, how did you feel about Walter?
10:06Nauseated, repulsed, disgusted.
10:09And the man smells like hot garbage.
10:11Look at us.
10:12You think I'm hot.
10:16Well, now, I understand that you guys went out to dinner.
10:19So did.
10:20Yeah, so why don't we take a look at what happened?
10:22Hey, roll the footage.
10:24Thank you, Walter.
10:26Woo!
10:32You don't know what to do with that.
10:37So, Walter.
10:38Walter, what do you do?
10:41Hey, what y'all got over there?
10:44Oh, them some peas?
10:47My mama used to make peas.
10:48We'll give you gas like a mother.
10:51Listen, listen, listen.
10:55Listen, listen.
10:56What's up?
10:57Walter, that's not fair.
10:58You know, you took her to...
10:59Listen.
11:00You took her to such a fancy place.
11:02And you never took me in.
11:05I understand that you actually did take Amber to a very fancy restaurant.
11:09So how did that go?
11:10You know what?
11:11I thought it really went great.
11:12Oh, good.
11:13You didn't get that date on tape.
11:16Well, of course we did.
11:17And here it is.
11:18Hang on a second.
11:19Yeah, no, it's...
11:20We're showing it.
11:23Are you ready to order, sir?
11:24Uh, well...
11:26No.
11:27No, no, I...
11:40Anyway, just bring me the specials.
11:41There's no specials.
11:42Well, make one up, all right?
11:43Just go.
11:44Go!
11:45Go!
11:47Wait a minute.
11:48Wait a minute.
11:49Girl, what you...
11:50You was working on the clock.
11:51No, okay.
11:52I didn't see a penny on that money.
11:54You been hauling out on me?
11:55Okay.
11:56So, uh, Walter, it's, uh, it's decision time.
12:01Stay together or change of heart.
12:04I...
12:05I...
12:06I can't stay with Cheeto Head here,
12:07because she didn't eat enough on our date.
12:10And I don't trust a woman who don't eat,
12:12because that make me wonder how hungry you are for life.
12:16Plus, she got upset when I put my hand in her skirt.
12:20She's very, very rude.
12:21So I'm gonna stay with Amber.
12:23You know what, Cheeto Head?
12:28Sorry, bitch.
12:31Okay, Amber.
12:32It's decision time.
12:33Come on.
12:34You got to hear what I...
12:35You got to stay.
12:36Listen.
12:37Okay.
12:38Before you make up your mind,
12:39I need to tell you how I feel.
12:40I think...
12:41Okay.
12:42Uh, listen.
12:45I really think that underneath the filth...
12:47See?
12:48...and the lice...
12:49Lice?
12:50...and that foul sour milk smell...
12:54...there lives a beautiful, beautiful woman.
12:58Now, I have a lovely five-bedroom house.
13:00I've got a pond, and I've got horses.
13:03And, Amber, all it's missing...
13:07All it's missing is you.
13:08Okay.
13:09Okay.
13:10See?
13:11Now, look.
13:12Listen.
13:13I can't stay.
13:14I can't go with you.
13:15I got to go with my Walter,
13:16because, see, I love my Walter,
13:18and he is the kindest,
13:19most gentlest man I has ever met.
13:22Hey!
13:23Hey!
13:24You dumb crack-hole!
13:25Didn't you hear what that honky just said?
13:27He got the five bedrooms,
13:29the ponds, and the horses.
13:31You should have chosen his ass,
13:33because that's the...
13:34...we need to be with.
13:37Now, listen.
13:38Walter, Walter.
13:39See, but I love you.
13:40I love you, though, Walter.
13:42Girl, you got bad decision-making process.
13:44Now, come on.
13:45Let's go.
13:46Oh, see, okay.
13:47Come on, girl.
13:50Is she all right?
13:51I mean, what...
13:52Hey, no, wait a minute.
13:53No, man, that's just what you do.
13:54Girl, come on.
13:55Get up.
13:56Let's go.
13:58Okay, so we'll be right back
14:00with Change of Heart
14:01right after we change the couches.
14:04All right.
14:06You got fired up.
14:15Did you know that Katie
14:16gave up an NSYNC concert
14:17to be here with us this weekend?
14:19Bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye.
14:30And then the sound got louder.
14:34Thump.
14:35Thump.
14:37Thump.
14:39And then a voice whispered...
14:42Cancer!
14:45Dad!
14:46I'm sorry.
14:47You rat.
14:48You totally scared me.
14:49I know.
14:50I'm sorry.
14:51I did get you.
14:53Hey, who wants another marshmallow?
14:55Oh, yay!
14:56I do, I do.
14:57Yes, me too.
14:58I'll have a s'more.
14:59S'mores.
15:01That was a good one, Dad.
15:03Yay.
15:04Thank you very much.
15:05Oh, hey, Bob, by the way,
15:07did you know that Katie
15:08gave up an NSYNC concert
15:09to be here with us this weekend?
15:11I did not know that.
15:13Yeah.
15:14Oh, pumpkin.
15:15Mm-hmm.
15:16Well, just so you feel
15:18like you didn't miss anything...
15:20Uh-oh.
15:21Hold on.
15:22Because I think
15:24I got a little something for you.
15:26Bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye.
15:31Oh!
15:32Which one was I, huh?
15:34Was I Lance?
15:35Was I Justin?
15:36Or was I Gerardo?
15:37Oh, Dad!
15:38There's no Gerardo.
15:39Are you sure?
15:40No!
15:41I think there might be.
15:42I don't...
15:43It's Joey and...
15:44Ah!
15:45What is it?
15:46What's wrong?
15:47What is it?
15:48Oh, God.
15:49It's a guy from my school.
15:51Oh, God, just please
15:53don't embarrass me, okay?
15:55Just try to be cool
15:57if it's at all possible.
15:59Um, excuse me.
16:00We ran out of matches, and...
16:02Katie?
16:03Katie!
16:04Oh!
16:05Hey!
16:06Wade!
16:07Hey!
16:08What's going on?
16:09Hey, wow!
16:10What are you doing up here?
16:11Oh, well, a couple of guys
16:12from the team and me
16:13came up here for senior weekend.
16:14What are you doing here?
16:15Yeah, no, nothing.
16:16I was just...
16:17I was hanging out.
16:18Oh, yeah?
16:19In the woods?
16:20Yeah!
16:21Oh, totally.
16:22I was partying up here.
16:23Yeah?
16:24With your parents?
16:26Oh.
16:27Those aren't my parents.
16:29They're some kind of mountain people
16:31or something.
16:34Kind of.
16:35Came up here.
16:39Hey, Wade.
16:40Hey, Mr. Williams.
16:41Thought that was you.
16:42Yeah.
16:43Good to see you.
16:44Oh!
16:45Oh, God!
16:47See, we were just doing some s'mores.
16:49Would you like some?
16:50Oh!
16:51No!
16:52No!
16:53God!
16:54He doesn't want your stupid s'mores,
16:57you stupid, freaky idiot!
17:02He just wants to drink beer
17:04and get wasted.
17:05Oh, no, that's not true.
17:06Actually, I can drink.
17:07I'm taking antibiotics for my knee
17:09and I'm underage.
17:11But I'd love a s'more.
17:12Oh, great.
17:13S'more, s'more.
17:14Yes!
17:15Oh!
17:19Dad!
17:20Oh, my God!
17:21Nobody wants to hear
17:22any of your queer jokes!
17:25I thought it was pretty funny.
17:27Oh, okay, but you know what?
17:28No!
17:29Okay, that's why you're a whore.
17:30I mean, can't you tell
17:31when somebody's laughing at you,
17:33not with you?
17:34No, no, no, I wasn't laughing at you.
17:35I was laughing with you.
17:36I thought it was funny.
17:37That's okay, Wade.
17:38I know.
17:39Okay, but...
17:40No.
17:41Is there any way...
17:42I'm not saying anything.
17:43Did she just shut up?
17:44Why don't you just sit down?
17:45No, I don't...
17:46Someone...
17:47Possibly...
17:48Dad!
17:50Okay, how much do you love
17:52the new Destiny's Child CD?
17:54Oh, actually, I haven't bought it.
17:55I kind of think they suck.
17:56Okay, I know what you mean.
17:57Yeah, I would totally never buy it.
18:00Shut up!
18:04I'm so sorry, Wade.
18:05Okay, are you going to college next fall?
18:08Oh, yeah, actually, I am, but...
18:10Okay, Wade, where are you gonna go to school?
18:12Okay.
18:13Oh, I'm looking to go to Destiny.
18:15I got a...
18:16I got a scholarship to go there.
18:19Yeah, it's beautiful.
18:20I'll be there next summer.
18:21Thank you very much.
18:22My parents are proud of me.
18:24Shut up!
18:25Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!
18:27He doesn't want to answer
18:28any of your stupid questions about college!
18:33Why did you even drag me up here, stupid?
18:38Because we thought this would be a good place
18:40to bury you.
18:49Dude, what's keeping you...
18:51It's Katie's parents!
18:53Oh, you've got to be kidding me!
18:54You guys having a party?
18:55We sure are, come on!
18:56Come on, yeah, let's have some stuff on the grill.
18:58Yeah, somebody brought a guitar,
19:00let's sing some songs,
19:01sit around the fire, have a good time.
19:02Oh, my God!
19:03Oh, my God!
19:04What?
19:05Bye-bye-bye.
19:06You want to go to college?
19:07Bye-bye-bye.
19:09Bye-bye-bye.
19:10I hate you and I hate camping!
19:19You know, uh, Katie,
19:22you might have more fun, uh,
19:24you know, if you weren't such a bitch.
19:28Oh, that's a lot of guys!
19:31Hey.
19:32Hi.
19:33Boys, have a seat, huh?
19:34Let's sing one of those songs
19:35you kids know, huh?
19:36Yeah, okay.
19:38Ooh!
19:39John, Jacob, Jingleheimer, Schritt
19:42There's a smiling two
19:45There's a smiling two
19:47Whenever we go out
19:49The people always shout
19:50Shut up!
19:51John, Jacob, Jingleheimer, Schritt
19:52Ah-la-la-la-la-la-la
19:53John, Jacob, Jingleheimer, Schritt
19:56There's a smiling two
19:59Whenever we go out
20:01The people always shout
20:04La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
20:06There's a smiling two
20:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:16I can't stop laughing!
20:39Here now, Stoner News anchor Doug Stickel.
20:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:47Oh, hey, what's up? Welcome to Stoner News.
20:51I'm Doug Stickel.
20:55And, uh, I'm baked.
20:59You know what? I ain't in the mood to do this.
21:02Over to you, Ed. Over to you.
21:08In the news, um, there's a war going on.
21:14It's crazy. It's so crazy.
21:20I can't do it.
21:27OK. All right.
21:29And now it's time for Point Counterpoint.
21:32Point. I think Monty has the best weed.
21:35Ed?
21:36Counterpoint. I agree.
21:38Yes!
21:40Yes!
21:41That was better than last night when we didn't even agree.
21:45And this desk is driving me crazy, man.
21:54Man, that desk was...
21:59You know what's really gay? Huh?
22:01Tulips.
22:02I hate that flower so much.
22:05It's so fake.
22:08Yeah. That was our flower report by Ed Herbsman.
22:13Thanks for that report, Ed.
22:15That was a terrific report, man.
22:19OK.
22:22Now it's time for our weather report with Becky Stepanek.
22:26The hottest, most single female pothead
22:30in the whole world.
22:42I can't stop laughing.
22:46Oh, my head is...
22:51Oh, my head is telling me stop, you know,
22:53but it's, like, in my head all abnormal.
22:57And I can't stop.
22:59I'm like two different people in my head.
23:08Back to you. Huh? Back to you.
23:19I said that twice because I heard it in my head
23:23I heard it in my head and then I said it
23:26and then I realized that the one that I said
23:28was the one that I realized in my head.
23:35Back to you.
23:40All right. All right. Now it's time for people in the news.
23:43People in the news.
23:45OK. Well, look.
23:47We don't really have Barb Marley in the news,
23:49but check this out.
23:53No, man.
23:58No woman no cry.
24:02Let me do it, man.
24:04No, man. I'm doing it. Back up. Back up.
24:08Give me another hand, man.
24:14I don't know who I am.
24:17But, Barb Marley, you're under arrest.
24:21Ow. Dude.
24:23Call the paramedics, man.
24:25I'm thinking I'm having a heart attack.
24:31I can't, dude. I just called them five times last week.
24:34They're going to be pissed.
24:36But it's their job, man.
24:38It's their job to come over when people are having heart attacks.
24:44Somebody call an ambulance.
24:46Dude, that is so weird.
24:48We were just thinking about calling you guys.
24:52Actually, I called about a half an hour ago.
24:57I'm pretty sure that I'm having a heart attack.
25:03Hey, somebody order some pizzas?
25:05Oh, man. That was so cool.
25:07We were just thinking about calling you guys.
25:10No, actually, I called them. I figured we were going to be here.
25:12Sweet.
25:14OK. Tonight's top story,
25:17a friend with weed is a friend indeed.
25:33I got your campaign now.
25:35And me and my new man now,
25:38Black Belt Jones.
25:48In the 1970s,
25:51they used to make the good movies.
25:54You remember the good movies.
25:57Now they just make the bad movies
26:00because they have forgotten Dolomite.
26:02But Dolomite has not forgotten you.
26:05Come back, Dolomite, and make the good movies.
26:09Come back.
26:11Dolomite is back.
26:13Dolomite, Dolomite, Dolomite.
26:17It's the sheriff.
26:19It's the sheriff. What?
26:22It's the sheriff.
26:24We want the pimp cane.
26:26You crackers must be insane.
26:29Always want my pimp cane.
26:31Well, come on, mother suckers.
26:33Whooping your ass will sure be gravy.
26:36Because I not only know karate,
26:40I know crazy.
26:44Hey, are you going to let that negro talk to you like that?
26:47Kill that boy.
26:49Kill him dead.
27:06You know that negro,
27:08he killed my favorite deputy.
27:10Now I'm going to come back
27:12and I'm going to kick your black ass with this.
27:16You come back in my house
27:19with an arrest so weak
27:21I'll stick my foot between your pillowy white cheeks.
27:26I don't think so, Dolomite.
27:31Well, well, well.
27:34Shy-ass Dolomite.
27:38Co-co-late.
27:43You think you the man
27:45because you got all these white girls.
27:47Well, let me tell you something.
27:49I was your woman for six years.
27:52But now that's over now
27:54and I got your pimp cane now
27:56and me and my new man now,
27:59Black Belt Jones.
28:03That's right, Dolomite.
28:05I'm sick of brothers like you
28:07reigning over the white women.
28:09When you had a beautiful African princess like this
28:11for six years.
28:13That's right.
28:15Can you dig it, Dolomite?
28:17New man, trick please.
28:20You know Dolomite is the man
28:22to bring you to your knees.
28:24Bring your sexy chocolate body over here
28:27and give me back my pimp cane.
28:29All you brothers are the same.
28:32You don't love nobody but yourself.
28:41You want your pimp cane back,
28:43you're going to have to fight me.
28:45Tonight.
28:46At 8 o'clock.
28:48At the warehouse.
28:50In Pasadena.
28:52Okay.
28:54You want to play rough and start a fight?
28:56Well, you better be ready.
28:58Because here comes
29:00the son of Dolomite.
29:02The son of Dolomite
29:04meets Black Belt Jones.
29:08Don't do this.
29:10We have the pimp cane now.
29:12Let's just run away to Boston
29:14and live our dreams.
29:16Black Belt Jones don't run, Coco.
29:19And if I do run, it's towards trouble,
29:21not in the other way.
29:23All you brothers are the same.
29:26You don't love nobody but yourselves.
29:30Aah!
29:32Aah!
29:34Aah!
30:01Tonight.
30:038 o'clock.
30:05In Pasadena.
30:09This is no good.
30:11Your kisses taste like dirt to me.
30:13Not everybody could be as good
30:16as the famous Black Belt Jones.
30:19All I ask is that your kisses
30:21don't taste like dirt.
30:26It must be 8 o'clock
30:28It must be 8 o'clock
30:30because I'm here.
30:32It's not too late to take the pimp cane
30:34and run away to Boston
30:35to live our dreams of a better life.
30:40It was too late a long time ago.
30:42Let's go, Mother Trucker.
30:44That was a touching scene.
30:46It makes me cry.
30:47I'll cry some more
30:49when I make you die.
30:52I ain't got to do nothing
30:54except watch these two negros kill each other.
30:56But I'll go get the pimp cane.
31:27There's everything that's wrong with the world.
31:30Brothers beating on brothers
31:33while the white man waits
31:35to take our pimp canes.
31:39She was right all along.
31:41I've learned my lesson.
31:44Now it's time to teach these crackers
31:47a thing or two.
31:49You, uh, you all got to pay
31:52for killing my favorite deputy.
31:57You're a pretty good fighter
31:59for a bad-ass Mother Trucker.
32:01Here's your pimp cane.
32:06Black Belt Zones is real good at kicking ass.
32:09But now that I got my pimp cane
32:11back, I'm number one in class.
32:13Here are two tickets to Boston.
32:16One ticket to Boston.
32:18Two tickets to Boston.
32:20Three tickets to Boston.
32:22Four tickets to Boston.
32:24Two tickets to Boston.
32:41Make yourself crazy.
32:50Mr. Erikson, you're charged
32:52with sexual harassment in the workplace.
32:54How do you plead?
32:56Not guilty, Your Honor.
32:58Very well. Let's proceed.
33:00Mr. Erikson, please take the stand.
33:02Counselor, your witness.
33:04Thank you, Your Honor.
33:06Mr. Erikson, do you think it's appropriate
33:08to use foul language in the workplace?
33:10No, I definitely do not.
33:12And yet you use foul language
33:14in the workplace constantly.
33:16I think it's just a misunderstanding.
33:18Well, we'll see about that, Mr. Erikson.
33:20Your wife alleges that you are fond of
33:22referring to your penis right in front of her
33:24during work hours. Now, how do you respond to that?
33:26Well, I think that's a cock and bull story.
33:30Now, did your supervisor,
33:32Michael Hawk,
33:34ever approach you about this matter?
33:36Yes, I had a very long discussion with my cock.
33:42And when did this alleged incident take place?
33:44It was during a business trip.
33:46We were flying to Bangkok.
33:48We were seated in first class,
33:50you know, right behind the cockpit.
33:52I offered her a cocktail.
33:54She complained of back pain.
33:56I asked her if it was her coccyx.
33:58She said no,
34:00and so I watched the in-flight movie,
34:02which was Black Hawk Down.
34:08Your witness.
34:12Mr. Erikson, please state the name
34:14of the company you work for.
34:16It's Peacock, Hancock, and Cochran.
34:20That's a mouthful.
34:24And you actually
34:26hold more than one position at the company,
34:28correct? Yes. Unfortunately,
34:30our staff has a lot of cracks and holes
34:32that need to be filled.
34:34Objection, Your Honor. Listen,
34:36the defendant and his attorney are clearly toying with this court.
34:38I mean, how long do we have to put up with this charade?
34:40But, Your Honor, we haven't even
34:42gotten to our countersuit.
34:44On what basis?
34:46Your Honor, my client's reputation is something
34:48you cannot snatch.
34:50Now, I know things...
34:52I know things in court can get very hairy,
34:54but I have barely opened my lips.
34:56If time
34:58is an issue, I could give my
35:00argument a trim.
35:02Counselor, you're...
35:04you're really having a ball
35:06with all of this wordplay,
35:08aren't you? Well, if you think you can get away
35:10with it, you're nuts,
35:12because I'm beginning to feel a bit...tasty.
35:16I find the defendant
35:18guilty, and I sentence him
35:20to be hung. That is fine.
35:44Good night.
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