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00:00What did you think?
00:12Did you think I wasn't up here selling sex to you?
00:19I mean, come on.
00:24If my jeans were any lower, you could see my thighs.
00:34If you don't get in by this time, let me make it perfectly clear, I'm not a child.
00:49It's okay to hand me a kiss.
00:58Please, I'm so sick and tired.
01:03So quick and sick and tired.
01:06Of beating around my bush.
01:12Look at the clouds.
01:16These things are almost falling out of it.
01:24What more do you need?
01:28To have to stand here naked with arrows pointing at my pubic bone.
01:37I've thrown the metaphors at you.
01:43A snake and a pole and a gun.
01:50You're watching porn right now, do you understand?
01:56If you don't get that, you're an old and gay man.
02:02For you, I'm a slave.
02:05What I mean is a sex slave.
02:08Oops, I will say it again.
02:13I'm not a child.
02:17Come on, let's do it.
02:20I'm not a child.
02:23Let me get to it.
02:26I'm not a child.
02:29Put your back into it.
02:34I'm not a child.
02:43It's MADtv.
02:46Starring Alex Frosty.
02:51Frank Caliendo.
02:56Joe Collins.
03:00Andrew Daly.
03:05Michael McDonough.
03:10Bill Sassell.
03:14Aerie Spears.
03:18Stephanie Weir.
03:22Deborah Wilson.
03:25Featuring Taran Killam, Bobby Lee, and Jill Michelle Maleon.
03:30Guest starring Tenacious D.
03:49Thanks, girls. We'll have sex later.
03:54Hey, kids, I'm Joe Namath.
03:57If you're like me, you're worried about VD.
04:00And I don't mean Valentine's Day.
04:03I'm talking about venereal disease,
04:06or kids may call it SIF,
04:09the clap, and crotch rock.
04:13Say, where do you suppose you get VD?
04:18From hookers and doorknobs.
04:21From drinking cups in water fountains.
04:24Nice people don't get VD.
04:28That's all true.
04:30But mostly you get VD from doing it.
04:33I'm not telling you not to have sex.
04:36I'm not the man coming down on you.
04:39In fact, I want you to have sex.
04:41And lots of it.
04:43Whether you're with the group, alone,
04:46or maybe even just with only one other person.
04:50Well, buckle says, go for it.
04:55So, let's get the straight dope about VD,
04:58including genital herpes,
05:01from Dr. Jeanette Little Dove,
05:03a great doctor and a wonderful lover.
05:08Thank you, Joe.
05:10You're welcome, Dr. Little Dove.
05:13Say, Dr. Little Dove,
05:15can you tell all my cool friends
05:17what are the symptoms of VD?
05:20Well, Joe, men may notice fiery penis.
05:23Painful penis should be cut off as quickly as possible.
05:28Thank you, Dr. Little Dove.
05:31Say, what about the ladies?
05:35Well, Joe, girls are different.
05:38Women's symptoms include vagina.
05:40Vagina.
05:41Vagina may fly away.
05:44That's good information.
05:47Hey, let's face it.
05:49VD is pretty much everywhere you go.
05:52So at some point, you're probably gonna get it.
05:56And when you do get VD, or genital herpes,
06:00what's gonna happen when you tell your parents?
06:03Do you think this might happen?
06:07Say, Dad.
06:10Yes, son?
06:13This is a hard and difficult thing for me to say,
06:16but I have a strong discharge coming from my penis.
06:19Do you think it could be VD?
06:24Yes, son.
06:26I'm sure it's VD.
06:28Honey?
06:35Greg has VD?
06:37I'll get the penicillin.
06:41Your parents are like my parents.
06:45It'll probably go something like this.
06:49This is a hard and difficult thing for me to say.
06:53I have a strong discharge coming from my penis.
06:56Do you think it could be VD?
06:59Oh, my!
07:01Oh, goodness!
07:03Oh, my goodness!
07:05Discharge penis?
07:06Oh, goodness!
07:08Oh, my goodness!
07:09Oh, dear goodness!
07:10Honey?
07:12Greg has VD.
07:14I'm gonna kill myself!
07:16Look what you've done, son penis.
07:21I'm gonna kill myself!
07:22Oh, son!
07:27That's why it's best not to tell your parents at all.
07:31When you get VD, tell your guidance counselor.
07:34He's probably got some penicillin lying around from when he had VD.
07:39I know I've got mine.
07:41Keep on trucking, kids.
07:56The hands are freezing to death!
07:58Put them under your armpits to keep them warm.
08:00No, I mean it!
08:01Stop it right now!
08:02You're killing me!
08:09Welcome to Politically Incorrect.
08:11I'm Bill Maher.
08:12Joining me tonight is a once-in-a-lifetime panel.
08:16To my left, former President of the United States
08:19and Harlem keg master, Bill Clinton.
08:22Hello!
08:31Also joining me is an actor who has portrayed the role of Frasier Crane
08:35for over 72 years, Kelsey Grammer.
08:45Talk show host and media hog, Oprah Winfrey.
08:49Hello!
08:53Hello!
08:56And finally, an actress who can look really hot in the right light,
09:01Drew Barrymore.
09:09Apparently, this is not the right light.
09:14Okay, welcome everyone.
09:17An article in today's New York Times
09:19claims that marriage is making a comeback.
09:22Now, is this a real trend
09:24or is this just insecure people responding to insecure times?
09:30Ah, shoot.
09:31I've always believed in marriage, Bill.
09:33Heck, half the women I've been with are married.
09:37I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.
09:38No, but seriously, though, seriously.
09:40Three-quarters of the women I've been with are married.
09:43No, I'm just messing around.
09:44Come on, it's just a TV show.
09:45Let's have some fun, huh?
09:46Come on, come on.
09:47Bill, I will not marry a man
09:49that does nothing but walk around my house
09:51with no pants on all day long.
09:53You know, big brother's gut hanging out,
09:55drinking Red Bull, eating fudge.
09:56I've had it. Do you feel me?
09:57Do you feel me?
10:00I think marriage is back because love is back.
10:06It got all weird when love was gone.
10:10Love left because we yelled at it.
10:12We called it stupid and fat.
10:18But now it's back.
10:21So don't call it names.
10:23I'm serious.
10:26Hey, Drew, Anne Heche just called.
10:29I think your spaceship is ready.
10:33E.T.'s here.
10:38Hey, if this is you sober, sugar,
10:40I suggest you start drinking again.
10:43Well, I believe in marriage,
10:45I believe in marriage,
10:47for I have found my true love
10:49in my beautiful wife, Camille.
10:51Oh, please, come on.
10:53I saw your true love
10:55in a soft-core porn movie.
10:57Well, she is now working exclusively
10:59in legitimate film.
11:01Hey, Kelsey, I saw one of those legitimate films.
11:03It was called A Beautiful Bahan.
11:05Did you get it?
11:06A Beautiful Man.
11:09And I'm not kidding.
11:11I'm just kidding.
11:12I'm just kidding.
11:14You never tell when I'm telling the truth, huh?
11:16So, I'm having a great time.
11:20Personally, I am never getting married,
11:23and I'll tell you why.
11:25The fact of the matter is
11:27that most wives are uncomfortable
11:29with their husbands sleeping with Asian whores.
11:35Let me tell you something, Billy.
11:36You should have married Hillary.
11:37She lets me get away with whatever I like
11:39because, you know, she's got her own deal.
11:42You know what?
11:43If Hillary were a man,
11:44I would marry her like that.
11:46She's got her own job, she's powerful,
11:48and she wears pants.
11:50You guys, marriage is magical.
11:56My first one was so sweet.
11:59It was the best 18 days of my life.
12:04Hey, honey, I got a couple extra free hours
12:06this afternoon.
12:07Why don't you and I get married?
12:09I'm just kidding, honey.
12:10No, I'm just, I'm not kidding.
12:11It's just a joke.
12:12Come on, brown sugar.
12:13Come on, you know you want to laugh, Oprah.
12:14Don't call me brown sugar.
12:15Come on, let's do this.
12:16My name is Oprah.
12:17Don't call me brown sugar.
12:19And let me tell you something.
12:20I would get married in a heartbeat,
12:23but the idiot that sits on my toilet
12:25all day long playing Game Boy
12:27will not get his act together,
12:28and I am this close to saying,
12:29Stedman, if you don't put on a pair of pants
12:33and get your proverbial **** together,
12:35I swear to God,
12:36I will bail and marry a robot.
12:39I mean it. I mean it.
12:41Well, Oprah, you've got to communicate that to him.
12:44Communication is the key.
12:45I have a beautiful marriage
12:47because I have a clear and open line of communication
12:50with my wife's pimp, Sugar Nuts.
12:53Hey, Frazier, is that tasty wife of yours
12:55hanging around here someplace?
12:57As a matter of fact,
12:59my raison d'etre is just beyond the cameras over there.
13:05Wow.
13:06Wow.
13:09And it appears my soulmate is mating with another soul.
13:14Hey, Kelsey, what say we get that sweet piece
13:16of cotton candy over here
13:17and see if we can't have us a good time, huh?
13:21Hey, Director, can we get some mood music
13:22or something like that?
13:29Miss Barrymore, if it doesn't offend you,
13:31maybe you could add an extra pair of hands.
13:35How about an extra pair of feet?
13:50Hi, I'm Wee Man.
13:51Hi, I'm Preston Lacey.
13:52Hi, I'm Steve-O.
13:53And I'm Kenny Rogers.
13:55Welcome to Darkness.
13:58Mom, are my gloves dry yet?
14:00You have to wait for the buzzer to go off.
14:03I heard a buzzer.
14:05Now what?
14:06Now try to think of something else.
14:08I can't.
14:09My hands are naked.
14:12What did you learn at school today?
14:14I learned a secret.
14:15You want to know what it is?
14:16Mom, have you heard about the alphabet?
14:20Yes.
14:21L-M-N-O-P is an alphabet.
14:24Yes.
14:25L-M-N-O-P isn't one letter.
14:27It's like seven or ten letters.
14:31Wow.
14:32I know.
14:33Are my gloves ready yet?
14:35No.
14:36Now wait for the buzzer.
14:37The hands are freezing to death.
14:39They're going to start eating each other.
14:41Well, put them under your armpits
14:42to keep them warm, like this.
14:44Okay, but you guys better not tickle me.
14:46I mean it.
14:47No funny business.
14:49Oh, God!
14:50Stop it!
14:51No!
14:52I mean it!
14:53You're killing me!
14:56Give me my gloves.
14:57All right.
14:59Give me, give me, give me my gloves.
15:02Give them to me, give me my gloves.
15:05Oh, it's clean and dry, clean and...
15:07Ooh, it's warm like a pita pocket.
15:11Hey, where's my other glove?
15:13Mom, give me my other glove!
15:14I'm freezing here!
15:19Ron, Ron!
15:21What's wrong?
15:22What's wrong?
15:23What is it?
15:26What's wrong?
15:27Where's my glove?
15:29Your mother can't find your other glove.
15:31Oh, my glove!
15:32Dot, Dot!
15:33Dot, Dot!
15:34Dot, Dot!
15:35Get up here!
15:36Oh, my glove!
15:37Look, she's going to get you
15:38your other pair of gloves, all right?
15:39No!
15:40I can't reach my glove!
15:41No, Dot, it's your monkey glove.
15:42Yeah, I know.
15:44Dot!
15:45Dot!
15:46All right, look, why don't you try
15:47wearing the one glove then, all right?
15:49Are you crazy?
15:53Gloves have to come in twos.
15:55Jesus said so, just like on Noah's Ark.
15:59Gloves are just like twins.
16:01Like me and Karen.
16:02You can't just get rid of one of them.
16:08I've got to find my other glove.
16:11I know what.
16:12I'll use my magic powers
16:13and I'm going to go search for it.
16:17Yeah, why...
16:18Actually, why don't you do that?
16:19That'll be fun.
16:20I know it's dangerous.
16:22And you're not going to want to do it,
16:23but you have to shut the dryer door
16:25and turn it on its fastest
16:27so my powers will work.
16:28Watch your fingers.
16:43Wow!
16:45It's beautiful!
16:47Look at all the gloves and socks and panties!
16:52Hey, look!
16:53There's my other bunny brat!
16:56Hey, has anybody seen a glove
16:58that looks just like this one?
17:00No, no, no.
17:01It's going to have to wait.
17:02Oh, no, no.
17:03I'm sorry.
17:04No.
17:05Maybe I can help.
17:06Look, money.
17:07I love money.
17:09Thanks.
17:10They call me Fifty
17:11because I'm half the man I used to be.
17:14They call me Dot
17:15because I couldn't spell Penelope.
17:17I know where you can find this.
17:20You do?
17:21It's part of town
17:22where colors and whites mix freely.
17:24This way.
17:34You folks should leave
17:35while you still have a chance.
17:37Dingy Town isn't safe!
17:39It's the darn socks!
17:43We're not looking for any trolls.
17:45We're just looking for the match to this glove.
17:47You can kiss that glove goodbye.
17:49It ain't going nowhere.
17:51Oh, yeah?
17:52Well, take this.
17:57Say hi to Jesus for me.
17:59Anybody else want me to pray for him?
18:02No, no, no, no, no!
18:03Over there!
18:04It's over there!
18:06It's my other glove!
18:10There you are!
18:13Oh, I knew I'd find you.
18:15With Jesus and black magic on my side,
18:17we couldn't go wrong.
18:19Hey, 50, thanks for everything.
18:22When things got scary,
18:23you just stood there and did nothing.
18:25My pleasure.
18:27Well, we better go.
18:28Thanks again.
18:31There's no place like my dryer.
18:33There's no place like my dryer.
18:41I'm back!
18:42Oh, my peck!
18:44It was great!
18:46Oh, you wouldn't believe it!
18:49It was amazing!
18:51Mom, I had to kill somebody,
18:52but I got my glove back!
18:55Your glove?
18:56And look, Dad,
18:57I brought something back for you.
18:59Your red panties.
19:01Give me those.
19:02Remember when your white pants got wet
19:04and everybody could see your red panties?
19:06Yes, I remember.
19:07You guys, you saw it, didn't you?
19:08It was the funniest thing I ever saw!
19:10Stop that.
19:11That was crazy!
19:13Oh, I loved that!
19:14And remember when you got on the slip-n-slide?
19:29This is not the greatest song in the world, no.
19:34This is just a tribute.
19:41Ladies and gentlemen,
19:42we have with us tonight Tenacious D
19:44featuring the Tenacious D All-Stars
19:47singing their song, Tribute.
19:53Welcome.
19:56This is the greatest
19:59and best song in the world.
20:03Tribute.
20:07A long time ago,
20:08me and my brother Kyle here
20:12we was hitchhiking down
20:14a long and lonesome road.
20:18All of a sudden,
20:20there shined a shiny demon
20:24in the middle of the road.
20:27And he said,
20:29Play the best song in the world
20:34or I'll eat your soul.
20:36Soul.
20:39Well, me and Kyle
20:42we looked at each other
20:45and we each said,
20:48Okay.
20:49And we played the first thing that came to our heads
20:52just so happened to be
20:54the best song in the world.
20:57It was the best song in the world.
21:00Look into my eyes
21:01and you're busy to see
21:02what I wanted to do
21:04and you're making me thirsty.
21:07Wow!
21:08A hundred thousand years ago
21:10when the sun does shine
21:11and the moon does glow
21:12and the grass is so tall.
21:18Well, needless to say,
21:21the beast was stunned.
21:23A whip crack went his whompy tail
21:26and the beast was done.
21:29He asked us,
21:31Are you angels?
21:34And we said, Nay.
21:36We are the men.
21:38Right.
21:49This is not
21:50the greatest song in the world.
21:53No.
21:55This is just a tribute
21:59coming from heaven
22:00but the greatest song in the world.
22:03No.
22:04No.
22:05This is a tribute.
22:10To the greatest song in the world.
22:12Oh, yeah.
22:15It was the greatest song in the world.
22:17All night.
22:19And I shall confess
22:20it's one of the greatest songs in the world.
22:24Flick-a-gick-a-flick-a-gick-a-gig
22:26Flick-a-gick-a-flick-a-gick-a-gig
22:28Flick-a-gick-a-flick-a-gick-a-gig
22:31Flick-a-gick-a-flick-a-gick-a-gig
22:44And the peculiar thing is this, my friends.
22:46The song that we played
22:47on that fateful night.
22:49It didn't sound anything like this song.
22:52This is just a phase
22:54You thought I'd believe it
22:56And I wish you were there
22:58It's just a matter of opinion
23:01No, I'm back
23:03With God
23:04I got here
23:05I thought I passed
23:06I found it
23:07Yes, I have
23:08I found it
23:09And I found
23:10That I met you
23:11In fact, it's over
23:16And I'm a rock
23:22I'm a rock
23:25I'm a rock
23:47And we're playing
23:50The greatest
23:54Song
23:56In the world
23:59I'm talking about
24:01Trip you
24:05I'm a rock
24:08Thank you!
24:23You see adults can't see me
24:25It's just little children
24:26Because they're so simple and sweet
24:28Shut up, Two-Fairy
24:35Stewart!
24:36It's time for bed! What are you doing in there?
24:39I'm looking for my missing tooth.
24:54Oh honey, I've already begged it and put it under your pillow for the tooth fairy.
24:59Now come on and say your prayers.
25:06Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.
25:11God bless mommy and God bless daddy who just had to get out of this hell hole.
25:20Where'd you hear that nonsense?
25:23From daddy on the phone.
25:26Your father called?
25:29Well, did he mention me?
25:38He said that you could nag the paint off the walls.
25:49Well, goodnight Stuart.
26:20Oh, dearly little boy, but you're supposed to be sleeping.
26:25I can't, I'm too excited.
26:27Where's my dollar?
26:30Oh, but we won't give out money any longer, but don't worry.
26:34Though your tooth be gone, it's no big loss, for we have brought you dental floss.
26:42Here, enjoy.
26:47It's not our intention to cause you displeasure, so in exchange for your tooth, we give you this treasure.
26:55No, I'd rather have a dollar.
26:58Alright, listen kids, it's been a long night, do you understand?
27:01And I collect teeth for a living, so you can imagine how gross that job is.
27:05This is my last stop of the night, so.
27:13Though your tooth be gone, it's no big loss.
27:16Stuart!
27:25What is going on?
27:28Tooth fairy trying to give me dental floss, so I kicked her into that bean bag trail.
27:34She can't see me, kid.
27:36Stuart, what does mama say about lying?
27:40I don't want to say.
27:41What does mama say?
27:42I don't want to say.
27:45Well, say it!
27:47Little boys who lie should expect tragedy to visit them on a regular basis.
27:54Yeah, good spanking might be pretty good for you, too.
28:02Mommy, what does this mean?
28:12Stuart, that gesture is for kids that go to the public schools!
28:18Now it is lights out for you!
28:22Whoa!
28:34Yes, boss, I'm sorry, I'll try.
28:38All right.
28:41I'm so sorry that I flipped you the arm, Stuart.
28:50Stuart? Oh, Stuart!
28:54Stuart? Is everything okay, Stuart?
28:58Hello, where are you?
29:00I'm in my dark place.
29:08What can we do to get you out of your dark place?
29:14A dollar.
29:15Of course I don't have a dollar!
29:20Okay, well, maybe I could teach you how to fly.
29:24How about that?
29:26Start like this.
29:29I'm not supposed to jump on the bed.
29:32My mom says only Italians do that.
29:38No, Polish people do it, too. Come on.
29:42That's it.
29:43Come on.
29:44Like this.
29:45That's right.
29:46Okay.
29:47That's it.
29:48All right.
29:49Uh-huh, uh-huh.
29:50Yes, oh, yes, oh, yes.
29:51Look what I did.
29:52Uh-huh, uh-huh.
29:59Oh, crap.
30:01Stuart, what the dickens is going on?
30:05I was jumping on the bed with the Tooth Fairy,
30:08and then I fell off.
30:10I'm not hurt, but I'm startled.
30:16Stuart, come here right now.
30:21Now, Stuart, I gotta tell ya,
30:23there is no such thing as the Tooth Fairy.
30:26Oh, you see, adults can't see me.
30:28It's just little children,
30:29because they're so simple and sweet.
30:31Shut up, Tooth Fairy.
30:34Oh!
30:39Now, Stuart, it's all right
30:40if you have your imaginary friends,
30:43and it's even okay to misbehave once in a while,
30:46so I'm gonna give you this dollar for your tooth,
30:49but now you gotta be good, and you gotta go to bed!
30:54Okay?
30:56Thank you, thank you, thank you.
31:00Good night, Stuart.
31:10Kimmy, my kiss, it's mine.
31:15I'll trade ya.
31:25You're welcome.
31:27Bye.
31:28See ya next time, and don't forget to floss.
31:39Hi, I'm Kenny Rogers.
31:41Hi, I'm He-Man.
31:43Hi, I'm Preston Lacey.
31:45Hi, I'm Steve-O.
31:47And I'm Kenny Rogers.
31:50Welcome to Jackass.
31:53I'm Kenny Rogers, and this is the sack race.
31:57All right, guys, let's see the sacks.
32:04I'm right there.
32:05I'm right there.
32:23Ow!
32:25Hi, I'm Kenny Rogers, and this is the Bat Fetcher 500.
32:29You fetch a bat with your teeth for points.
32:43I am Emperor Kenny.
32:45The gladiators must fight to please me.
32:53That's a good one.
32:57Whoever wins looks like a bitch.
32:59Oh, no, here comes the ferocious finish.
33:15This is chicken boxing.
33:17All right, guys, I want to see a good, clean chicken.
33:20Go.
33:23Oh.
33:25I have to go southpaw, because I lost the trick.
33:29This one's called Super Shopping Cart Shaban.
33:40Hey, we went drinking at our favorite bar last night called the White Swallow
33:45and collected all our puke after we got hammered for the puke balloon gauntlet.
33:53I'm Kenny Rogers, and this is the Condiment Sunday Challenge.
33:58Everybody has in front of them a condiment sundae, and the first one to finish wins.
34:04We haven't worked that part out yet, but the first one to finish will be good.
34:09And begin.
34:23Oh.
34:29Get out of here, sundae.
34:43Oh.
34:47Hey, look, I'm a chicken.
34:49I'm a rooster.
34:51I'm a banjo.
34:53I'm a little chicken, didn't you?
34:55I guess the, uh...
34:59At the end of the Condiment Sunday Challenge,
35:02Wee Man broke his hip, but he's playing it off because he's tough.
35:05Preston's now legally blind, and Steve-O wants a burger to go with his special sauce,
35:09which makes me the winner.
35:12Good night.
35:21Good night.
35:33You know, I just, I gotta say, the lucky list went up, and indeed I am on it.
35:37I have had the sincere pleasure of being up here tonight,
35:39working with these fabulous folks, bringing you comedy.
35:42Thank you so much for watching. We really appreciate your viewership.
35:46Have a good night. Night, Mom and Dad!
36:22Here with the Showbiz Show update is David Spade.
36:26At a restaurant in Malibu last week, American Idol host Ryan Seacrest was spotted kissing Terry Hatcher.
36:31Wait, so Terry Hatcher's a guy?
36:34The Showbiz Show with David Spade, all new tomorrow at 10.30.
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