THE BIG THING: I have been very seriously thinking about Skeeter's condition. I have had 8 long-term cats over the years. All of those cats (except Skeeter, LC, and Ayla of course) have died without my being with them at the end.
There have also been some "temps" (Boo The Abandoned Cat for whom I found a home, a surprise litter of kittens who were happily distributed to loving homes, and a seasonal visitor - Jeremy The Winter Kitty - for many years while my parents travelled in the winter). They weren't "mine", but I cared about them and was not there when they died either.
The early cats were from my poverty days sharing apartments with several other people. All I could afford was dry food and no medical care, so they probably weren't all that healthy (I was rather ignorant about a cat's needs then). And having irresponsible roommates meant that they eventually escaped from the apartment never to be seen again.
The cat I had at my first house (Mischief) died suddenly at about age 12. She was asleep on the floor one day as I left for work, and she was in that same spot, dead, when I came home. She is my only cat that I actually saw dead. Tinkerbelle, the cat who came with me to this house, was always in pain from a dog attack wound. When she began to get in worse pain around age 16, I brought her to the vet to have her euthanized. The vet refused, saying that her condition was not yet that serious. Two weeks later, she went off on her own (to die, I assume) and I never saw her again.
I have never had the pain and the pleasure of actually saying "goodbye" to a beloved cat. The pain part is obvious. Seeing a pet slowly die is heart-breaking. But with the exception of Mischief who died so suddenly while I was not there, I have never known for certain what happened to any of my cats. The sad fate of cats who disappear is never known, but many horrible possibilities exist. I will not list them, but the possible causes have always weighed heavily on my heart.
So, as sad as I feel about Skeeter's condition and impending departure, I am hoping for a first sense of closure. I may, for the first time, be able to say "goodbye" and be present at the time. I intend that Skeeter go over the Bridge, when he is ready, in my embrace. He will be buried in a "quiet-but-close" spot in the yard, with a marker that I will make myself.
I do not know when that will happen. The vet tells me that Skeeter might collapse next week or many months from now. We might not see August arrive together, but equally, he might enjoy sharing his Gotcha Day in October or even see next year. The uncertainty is distressing but unavoidable. What will be, will be... You will forgive me if I hope it happens quickly whether it is next week or some months from now. The less "well" he feels, the quicker I hope it happens. Not because I wish my dear friend to leave, but because it is hard to tell when cats are in pain and I do not wish him to be in pain.
I have loved all my cats dearly. Even the most difficult or sometimes indifferent cats had their caring or endearing traits. And it has never failed to astonish me that there were these wild living predators willing to share my space, my lap, and my bed. Sometimes, I look at a cat sleeping on my lap in utter amazement that they adopt us. I mean, its not like there is a deer or groundhog curled up in a corner of my house. Neither are they like fish or hamsters captured into an aquarium or cage. I love cats.
But Skeeter is "the cat of my life". Always happy to be anywhere near me, happy on my lap for hours, happy to be around me outside, calling out when he lost track of me. He is even happily sitting by my side as I type this. He has always eaten anything I offered him (except the super-healthy stuff), loved any treat I offered, was the perfect tidy indoor cat (until recently), laid-back and tolerant of other cats, the perfect sleeping partner (on the bed purring softly but not all pushy and disturbing), and brought me prey he caught for my approval and praise. Even his breath is sweet!
I mentioned previously that there are some progressively aggressive treatments for CRF. I will not be doing them. I will attempt some temporary hydration if he is failing at a time when the vet is not available, but only to relieve his distress that night. At 16 years old, I think it is time to let Nature run its course. The vet has advised me that I will know the end is coming when Skeeter becomes physically disoriented (falling down, not eating, etc).
I have other reasons for watching for "the end". I could not bear it if he just disappeared to go off and die alone and in pain. And when he goes over the Bridge, I really want to be able to bury him in the yard he loved so much and hunted/slept in so happily. I need to have a spot to look at and KNOW that he is not lost and in pain, and I need a spot to look at an help me remember what a wonderful cat he was.
I should mention that I originally brought Skeeter to the vet because he was peeing and pooping all over the house. The kidney failure problem was just a sad discovery during the testing. I had to remind the vet of that yesterday. He said there are 3 main probable causes for that...
1. Kidney/bladder infections (which is why Skeeter is on antibiotics).
2. Cognitive memory failure. In other words, he doesn't remember his litterbox training, or can't find them, or can't identify them when he does see them.
3. Stress due to new cats, changed conditions, changed schedules, lack of attention, or over physical problems.
Skeeter is sufferring from parts of all 3.
1. He does seem to have an infection (a separate issue from kidney failure if I understand correctly).
2. He seems to be sufferring a memory failure. The few hours a day he is awake, he stares vacantly at a spot on the floor, or seems to forget what he was about to do (like drink water or eat or stay on my lap). He will take a couple of steps down the stairs, then sit there before coming back up. Occasionally, he forgets that LC and Ayla are his housemates.
3. While he has tried to be a good big brother to Ayla, her youthful activity level seems to wear on him. And last year I arranged for Skeeter to have his own litterboxes upstairs because the stairs seemed to bother him. LC has continued to use the basement litterboxes. Ayla is happy to use any of them. I think this bothers Skeeter.
The antibiotics may cure any infection problem. There is nothing that can be done about cognitive failure. His mind is going the way of his kidneys, and I suspect there is a connection. Blood toxicity has consequences. If I had realized that bringing Ayla into the house would cause Skeeter problems, I would have waited. But Skeeter has always been so accepting of other cats...
When Skeeter first met Jeremy The Winter Kitty, they groomed each other and curled right up. When I brought Boo The Abandoned kitty into the house, he groomed her. Skeeter adopted LC as a sister when she first arrived. But Ayla seems too much for him these days.
I suppose it is because I got LC to be Skeeter's pet. And she has been that. I did not orient her to me, but to Skeeter. LC has never been really "mine". She does not do "laptime", she does not cuddle with me, she spends her time with Skeeter.
But I have been teaching Ayla to orient to me. She has learned to seek my lap, my attention, and my playtime with toys. Skeeter does not lack any laptime when he wants it, but sometimes Ayla comes up at the same time and he is not accustomed to that. When he is on my lap and she arrives, he leaves. So he must be very stressed. I make sure to give him lap time when Ayla is outside, but there are still times when both want my attention. I think Ayla as learned that if she hops up when Skeeter is there she wins. I think I will try to give Skeeter more attention in a separate room or in the accustomed places while Ayla is outside or napping....
Well, that's where it stands today. Skeeter is at 2 strikes and we don't know when the 3rd strike is coming. We will deal with that when it happens. For the moment, he seems to be doing fairly well. He follows me around outside when it is quiet (he does not like weekends with all the neighbors mowing their yards and stuff). Sometimes he will actually nap on the deck for an hour before asking to come back inside. He enjoys mealtimes and treats. He grooms LC and sometimes even Ayla (if she hasn't bothered him for a while). He has alert and active moments when he seems to be his younger self. He sometimes plays with toys (especially feathery ones on strings). The toy-playing is maybe not a good sign, as he hasn't played much with toys for years and I suspect it is his mind fading. So, I don't think anything bad is going to happen very soon...
So, I want to thank every Kitty and Being for the good wishes, the hopeful comments, and the purrs for Skeeter. It means a lot to us all in this uncertain and difficult time. We will all go about the daily life until something changes and we need to speak of his condition again.
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